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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not go to DSIL to be's hen do

32 replies

olympicsrock · 13/05/2013 10:14

DB is getting married for the second time. DSIL to be has invited me to her hen do but i'm not sure whether i should go.
Background. DSIL no 1 was one of my best friends. DB got together with DSIL to be very soon after she died and they were insensitive to others feelings so i didn't welcome her into our family. 18 months ago, when it became obvious that she was permanent, i made a big effort to get to know her better . She's ok but i'm not very keen. We're friendly but would not be friends if she wasn't DBs partner (she has tendency to drink to much and be argumentative and is a bit entitled). Having said that DB can choose his own partner, the children are settled into a stepsib family now and i will support their wedding.
So she texted me a few days ago. Hen weekend is 7 hours by train from me. I would have to take Friday off work . It will be v expensive (£500) DH and i are not that flush at the moment.i could fly but either train or flight is £110 alone. I would have to juggle weekend shifts as we have 2 family weddings the same month. And DH would complain about looking after toddler 3 days straight. And bottom line, i will not have that great a time.
It would be good to at least get to know her family and friends before the wedding but my last effort to socialise together was a disaster. Problem is that DSIS is in the same boat but lives nearer and says she won't go if i don't. So it might look like a boycott.DSIL is a bit oversensitive and it might blow up. Opinions please

OP posts:
BlackeyedSusan · 13/05/2013 10:17

simple, can't afford to taake time off work, sorry.

schobe · 13/05/2013 10:18

£500 tells me you say you can't afford it tbh.

You could add that taking Friday off work is not possible too.

Your DH however needs to shut up about looking after his OWN child (just one of them??) for a whole THREE DAYS. But that's by the by I guess.

I wouldn't go but I'd try to be very placatory about it to keep the peace.

StuntGirl · 13/05/2013 10:21

Everything schobe said.

RandomMess · 13/05/2013 10:21

I would speak to her and say that you're really really sorry but you can neither afford the £500 it will cost nor take the time off work. Could you and your sister send her some flowers and bottle of champers or something the day before the hen party wishing them all a lovely time and it's a shame you couldn't make it - ie a tangible olive branch???

CookieLady · 13/05/2013 10:22

Just say it's too far and expensive for you. If you're worried about a fall out perhaps suggest going out with you for Neal, etc another time to show you're not boycotting the hen do.

Lj8893 · 13/05/2013 10:22

I think its perfectly reasonable for you not to go, all you new to say is you can't afford it right now and can't really manage to take the time off work either.

I didn't go to my cousins hen do ( and we grew up almost like sisters) because it was for a whole weekend abroad and I just couldn't justify the cost or time off work. (Good job really as after it was all booked up I discovered I was pregnant!)

But she wasent angry or upset I didn't/couldn't go, she accepted that it was an expense to everyone and that she wouldn't have many people go. She had 6 friends go out of about 30 she invited!

CookieLady · 13/05/2013 10:23

*meal not Neal. Damn autocorrect.

Lj8893 · 13/05/2013 10:23

Ahhh posted too soon!!

So I am sure your dsil to be will understand why you can't make it, and I'm sure you won't be the only person declining.

badguider · 13/05/2013 10:24

If you don't go, contact the cheif bridesmaid and arrange to have a bottle of champagne or a cake delivered to the table at the restaurant one night - it will give you a proper presence. A friend in Australia sent a round of shots to a hen night I was at recently and it really made her part of it.

Original poster
olympicsrock · 13/05/2013 10:25

The thing is that if it was a cousin or even good friend i would probably still say no but Dsil to be has form for letting things escalate. Like the flowers and champers idea.

OP posts:
magicstars · 13/05/2013 10:27

Hen dos can be a nightmare with expense & distance! I would be honest- explain you can't come cos of financial reasons & logistics. I'd also stress that its nothing personal & suggest in advance that you & dsis take her out for a drink the next time u are all together. You could even ask one of the others going to buy her a surprise drink (or something) on your behalf when they are out.

Lj8893 · 13/05/2013 10:28

Well that's her problem tbh, she has no right or reason to be funny with you for not going when you have perfectly acceptable reasons not to go.

Thinking about it my cousins future sil (who is also a bm) didn't go to her hen do for similar reasons and there was no problem.

TigerSwallowTail · 13/05/2013 10:40

Tell her all the reasons you've told us (apart from where you say "And DH would complain about looking after toddler 3 days straight." seriously? He'd complain about looking after his own child?). They're all valid reasons, you could try and arrange another night with you, your sister and sis-in-law-to-be to make up for it.

tomatoplantproject · 13/05/2013 10:40

Say no for cost reasons only, and then card & bottle of champers where they are staying. I would also try and do something just you, dsil & dsis to welcome her to the family. If you find a date now it's not just a vague promise.

And yes, your dh should be able to deal with his own child for a few days!!

AnyFucker · 13/05/2013 10:42

The only unreasonable part of your Op is this .... And DH would complain about looking after toddler 3 days straight.

Saski · 13/05/2013 10:52

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

Have you ever said anything to her like hey, I support your marriage and I welcome you into the family but this is very hard for me?

I feel for you, this sounds difficult.

Original poster
olympicsrock · 13/05/2013 10:55

I wonder if she chose somewhere so far so that i wouldn't go.

OP posts:
Original poster
olympicsrock · 13/05/2013 10:59

Haven't ever spoken to her about why i avoided her when they first got together but i don't think she would understand. They were very in your face with their relationship at the beginning when everyone was grieving and she has been unsupportive with DSIL no 1's family, pushing them out.

OP posts:
DontmindifIdo · 13/05/2013 11:02

Oh, I like the champagne and flowers idea, it's hard to slag off someone who does that for you!

Also, could you arrange to take her out for a nice girls lunch (perhaps with your mum as well) the week before or something?

Saski · 13/05/2013 11:03

Ugh. She sounds dreadful. I would be polite and keep my distance.

Just get her a present and be done with it. If she throws a wobble it's not your fault. You're being a loyal sister in law, don't feel badly about it.

BackforGood · 13/05/2013 11:36

I'd just say "No thanks, it's not for me. Have a great time and looking forwards to the wedding". I wouldn't send flowers or champagne - I mean, why ? Confused
It's an invitation - it's there to be accepted or turned down. There is no need to feel "expected" to be there.

kneedeepindaisies · 13/05/2013 11:40

I'm not going to DSIL hen night because we just can't afford it.

I don't know if she is bothered or not but there's nothing I can do to change the fact we don't have enough money for me to go on the hen night and for all of us to go to the wedding as its in the same week.

I'm going to arrange with the venue to send over a cocktail or some fizzy stuff so she realises that I'm not just being a bitch Grin

ivanapoo · 13/05/2013 11:46

As an alternative to sending Champers you could always suggest a mini hen the day or two before the wedding for you, your sister and the bride's immediate family... Just go for a glass of champagne or cocktail somewhere swish.

Potteresque97 · 13/05/2013 14:20

As long as you are polite and make it clear there is no drama to be had, it should be fine. That is a ridiculous amount to have to spend on a hen weekend, I can't see anyone thinking yabu.

MummytoKatie · 13/05/2013 14:45

Like the idea of the card / gift / champers.

One thought is that if SIL2B is the prickly type she may already have had a strop before the hen do by which point it may be too late / look like you are only doing it to grovel.

I'd probably say when rejecting "So sorry I can't make it but ...... Anyway - I'd really like to feel a part of things so would you mind if I gave you some money towards a round of drinks. Then I can be there in spirit(s!) if not in person."

Stops the strop before it starts.l..l

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