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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think sometimes you have to do things you don't always want to?

45 replies

FadBook · 13/05/2013 09:43

My DP works in Education. His week is planned from Mon to fri Saturday, with lessons, meetings, observing others and planning.

Each weekend, something is on. Just life IMO. We have birthdays, supporting someone in a 5K run, visiting family, taking DD out for a couple of hours etc etc.

This weekend has been busy. In the middle of it all, DP decides he doesn't like having things 'booked in' and he doesn't want to go to a christening that was planned and that he is craving his 'alone' time.

I'm exhausted by his comments. He works hard, of course he does and I'm the first to defend teachers to the cows come home. But the way he was talking over the weekend was like he is the only person in the Country who has a timetable and that he has no time at all on his own. And that he is the only person that works. He accused me of forgetting what it likes to work full time, despite me working 15 hours a week from home, and setting up a business and doing additional hours for that (and looking after DD and 60% of housework).

The thing is, to me he regularly has alone time. He goes to the gym, he walks or cycles to work, has a day every few weeks doing a hobby, DD sleeps so we have evenings to herself from 7.30pm. I take DD some weekends and do the food shopping, giving him an hour to himself. We split Sat and Sun for a lie in each - everything is equal to me.

I felt shit last night as I felt as though he isn't happy with his life anymore. Like that now DD (21 months old) is here - too many changes have happened and he can't accept them all. It's like there are too many sacrifices he has to make. He's a self confessed 'selfish' person in the sense that he doesn't like change or pleasing other people and knows he needs reminding of that. I just listened to him yesterday and let him moan but the more I think about it, the more I'm pissed off and annoyed at his words.

AIBU to feel that sometimes you do have to do things to please other people? (i.e. went to a christening of a friend of DD's, they've grown up together for the last 11 months, he didn't come with me in the end)

AIBU to feel a bit shit that my DP isn't happy with his life? Discussions were had yesterday, he said his 'bit' (didn't come to the christening) and last night/this morning it was like nothing had happened. I've asked him what support he wants from me and he couldn't answer.

I need some wise words to talk to him about how I feel tonight.
If you recognise my name / info, please don't out me!

OP posts:
mrsjay · 13/05/2013 09:49

nobody will out you Smile

I don't know really my husband is a bit the same not a teacher but works long hours and hates going to things and will try and avoid them at all costs, for instance If i am going to se my mum do you want to come his face goes all screwy and he huffs and says how long are we staying etc . it pisses me off for years I have put up with it now if he doesn't want to go anywhere I just go myself he is lazy and inconsiderate sometimes,

squeakytoy · 13/05/2013 09:49

I am not sure.. I can sort of see his point in that it is nice some weekends to not HAVE to do anything.

mrsjay · 13/05/2013 09:51

yes it is nice to not to have to do anything and not every weekend or day off has to be scheduled, yanbu to be annoyed by him though I can see where you are coming from

mrsjay · 13/05/2013 09:52

and I guess if he is with children and other people all week maybe he just can't cope with seeing more people ,

Original poster
FadBook · 13/05/2013 09:55

This month is a busy month, yet last month wasn't so busy so weekends were quiet and we did stuff ad hoc really, the same next month.

I can see his point of view too. There are a few things this month I could really do without but sometimes, you do have to get up off your arse and make an effort. He's not a crappy DP/ father but I feel like it could be the start of him being a bit of a shit IYSWIM? Just feel like he can say 'no' to things but I'm not allowed to because of DD (i.e. her friends birthday parties) so it's me that does those things then.

OP posts:
ChewingOnLifesGristle · 13/05/2013 09:55

I can see what he means though, I also crave unorganised days too and get grumpy if too much is constantly on.

I know often there isn't a choice (god there are 5 of us, our calendar bulges with stuff) and things have to be done, but it is nice to have a 'free' unbooked weekend sometimes, and in order to achieve that I'm afraid I do turn down other things to ensure that happens. I don't think that's selfish.

luxemburgerli · 13/05/2013 09:56

I can see both sides really. I would think of it this way: the gym etc is not really 'alone' time. In your DHs mind it is something that needs to be done (exercise). In the same way that if you took DD out so that he could clean the house, you wouldn't really consider it 'alone' time. He really means 'time to do what he wants'. And it is important that you both get a bit of that, I think.

So then it becomes about compromise. You can't do everything at the weekend and support everybody you know. So for e.g., I would go to family birthdays, but I wouldn't go to the christening of a 'friend' of my baby, unless the parents were relatives/close friends. Maybe aim for each of you to get 2 hours 'personal' time every weekend? Perhaps one on Sat, the other on Sun. That way you both take part in important stuff, but both get some time off.

Original poster
FadBook · 13/05/2013 09:56

mrsjay - the children thing is a big thing. He hates anywhere where there is children really, and I don't blame him at all. We have to be quite creative and inventive when we take DD out, she tends to like 'adult' places as she hasn't got a choice. I took her to her first soft play the other week and she's nearly 2!!

OP posts:
mrsjay · 13/05/2013 09:59

do you mean you want him to come with you to kids parties or take your baby instead of you, so you want himt o do the share of trudging about to things ? which is fair enough you shouldn't have to do it all and he should be supporting you, but I do think if you have a busy life then sometimes things need to be dropped or missed how was he about going places before the baby came along

BunnyLebowski · 13/05/2013 10:00

I'm with your DP on this one.

My free time is far too precious to waste on things I don't want to do.

And the christening of a non-family member is not something I'd be chomping at the bit to attend.

Original poster
FadBook · 13/05/2013 10:00

I like that idea Luxemburgerli - about free time each on a weekend. He seems to get a little bit because I know he works hard so like to give him a bit of time to himself but then I don't get mine. We send each other back to bed on an afternoon on Sat or Sun or both which is nice, to catch up on sleep.

You are definitely right about the gym being 'alone' time - I see it as that, but he doesn't - he has to exercise to keep his weight maintained so as much as he enjoys it, he'd love not to do it. I'll bear it in mind what you've said.

OP posts:
redexpat · 13/05/2013 10:00

I can see both sides.

In our household we're agreed which birthdays etc we say yes to automatically and others we decide on a case by case basis (I have 80 yes 80 inlaws).

We've also worked out that we can only have one thing each weekend. Anything more and we dont get all the chores done, dont have a proper rest and arent ready for the week ahead.

DeWe · 13/05/2013 10:00

I agree with squeaky: It is nice not to have anything to do some weekends.
It would get to the point of really stressing me if there was something every weekend. Sometimes it is nice just to have that family time where there is nothing special to do, just sit round and talk, not going anywhere, not having to be somewhere at a particular time, just nothing to do.

Some people do need alone time. Me and dh do need time alone to recharge, even if it's only 5-10 snatched minutes. Some people I know don't need that in the same way, and don't understand the need for it.

Also how many of the things you "have" to do, are his friends, compared to yours?

If he's cramming 40% of the housework in on Sunday then I wouldn't think he has time to do much else anyway.

mrsjay · 13/05/2013 10:01

I really think that is the problem Fad he needs to try and seperate his own child with other children he can't avoid them and his child needs a life too, but I think it is ok to take her to soft play on your own there will come a time when she wont be wanting to go to adult places and he is going to have to suck it up adjust and take her to things she enjoys too

EglantinePrice · 13/05/2013 10:02

Suggest to him that you both book in some 'alone' time on the calendar? Half day each a month?

However if you have agreed that you are going to a christening together (or anywhere else) he should be coming.

Original poster
FadBook · 13/05/2013 10:02

Yes MrsJay, a few parties I've taken DD and I suppose that makes sense as I know the mums but it'd be nice if he offered to take DD to a party.

The christening I couldn't miss - she's a friend of mine and her son is a friend of DD's; I suppose it doesn't matter that DP didn't come other than it being embarrassing when my other friends are there, asking where he is

OP posts:
mrsjay · 13/05/2013 10:04

sometimes it fine to shut the world out, and just do your own thing you don't need to be out supporting others all the time doing this and that it is exhausting

Saski · 13/05/2013 10:04

Just wanted to say, I also understand both sides. Your life will get easier as your kids get older. I remember being really extremely pissed off and grabby about my alone time when I had toddlers.

It will pass before you actually get to the bottom of how hard life is with a 21 month old.

That said, family life continues and your weekends won't be your OWN for a long time. You should jointly plan your weekends with a nice long couch period set aside.

OrbisNonSufficit · 13/05/2013 10:04

He sounds like he's being reasonable to me. I have a very high need for 'alone' time (ie no other people in view or earshot at all). I rarely get it as DH works from home and it can build up to quite a stressful level after a while and I strop. Maybe he just had a bad week?

Also, re what you 'have to do' as far as social duties go, I know DH and I differ on this, he really doesn't care what other people think but I do - have you talked to him about compromise on the 'what we need to go to as a family' front?

Original poster
FadBook · 13/05/2013 10:06

Reddexpat - he doesn't do 40% of housework on a weekend, just between us we get it done during the week and on a weekend probably 20% of it doesn't get done Grin Grin He works a bit on a weekend but does an hour here or there on a sat or sun.

OP posts:
mrsjay · 13/05/2013 10:07

Just wanted to say, I also understand both sides. Your life will get easier as your kids get older. I remember being really extremely pissed off and grabby about my alone time when I had toddlers.

I was the same saski it turns into a battle for a few years until things settle down and it does settle down when the toddler grow up a bit

Original poster
FadBook · 13/05/2013 10:08

what you 'have to do' as far as social duties go, I know DH and I differ on this, he really doesn't care what other people think but I do - have you talked to him about compromise on the 'what we need to go to as a family' front?

This is what I need to talk to him about. Some things can be cancelled / declined, but some things can't.

I'm glad others can see both sides here. I don't think I'm being unreasonable, I suppose I just want to understand ways of helping him feel less 'timetabled' if that's the right word. Just popping out this morning but will check back in later

OP posts:
mrsjay · 13/05/2013 10:13

This is what I need to talk to him about. Some things can be cancelled / declined, but some things can't.

just say to him look at what you have coming up and see what you both feel can be cancelled or not he will want to cancel them all but as you said somethings we are just expected to go too,

mrsjay · 13/05/2013 10:14

oh and it is ok to take her to soft play on your own as she gets older he will find his 'thing' he likes to do with her (if that makes sense)

rollmeover · 13/05/2013 10:19

I know how it feels for all your free time to be taken over with things that you have to do, so I can see both sides.

We have kind of got round this by having a weekend "off" every six weeks or so. Its in the diary and cant be changed (unless something really important comes up) and we do stuff locally or in the house just as a family. It means that every so often we know that we have some time off from the world booked in and that we dont begrudge doing the obligation stuff.

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