to think sometimes you have to do things you don't always want to?

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My DP works in Education. His week is planned from Mon to fri Saturday, with lessons, meetings, observing others and planning.

Each weekend, something is on. Just life IMO. We have birthdays, supporting someone in a 5K run, visiting family, taking DD out for a couple of hours etc etc.

This weekend has been busy. In the middle of it all, DP decides he doesn't like having things 'booked in' and he doesn't want to go to a christening that was planned and that he is craving his 'alone' time.

I'm exhausted by his comments. He works hard, of course he does and I'm the first to defend teachers to the cows come home. But the way he was talking over the weekend was like he is the only person in the Country who has a timetable and that he has no time at all on his own. And that he is the only person that works. He accused me of forgetting what it likes to work full time, despite me working 15 hours a week from home, and setting up a business and doing additional hours for that (and looking after DD and 60% of housework).

The thing is, to me he regularly has alone time. He goes to the gym, he walks or cycles to work, has a day every few weeks doing a hobby, DD sleeps so we have evenings to herself from 7.30pm. I take DD some weekends and do the food shopping, giving him an hour to himself. We split Sat and Sun for a lie in each - everything is equal to me.

I felt shit last night as I felt as though he isn't happy with his life anymore. Like that now DD (21 months old) is here - too many changes have happened and he can't accept them all. It's like there are too many sacrifices he has to make. He's a self confessed 'selfish' person in the sense that he doesn't like change or pleasing other people and knows he needs reminding of that. I just listened to him yesterday and let him moan but the more I think about it, the more I'm pissed off and annoyed at his words.

AIBU to feel that sometimes you do have to do things to please other people? (i.e. went to a christening of a friend of DD's, they've grown up together for the last 11 months, he didn't come with me in the end)

AIBU to feel a bit shit that my DP isn't happy with his life? Discussions were had yesterday, he said his 'bit' (didn't come to the christening) and last night/this morning it was like nothing had happened. I've asked him what support he wants from me and he couldn't answer.

I need some wise words to talk to him about how I feel tonight.
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Sounds like the alone time is a bit one-sided then Fadbook... would he listen if you explained that in the same way he doesn't consider the gym alone time, you don't consider your housework/childcare as time for yourself? Sounds bloody obvious but it might be that he has never thought about it that way, or needs reminding.

I am being generous to your DH here, because I'm currently working in a stressful job and I sometimes feel myself slipping into being jealous of anyone who I perceive as being home all day. I have to remind myself that the image I have in my mind is completely untrue. Obviously you're not sitting on your bum at all, or are even at home all day. In the same way your DH is not swanning about eating expensive business lunches while listening to stimulating adult conversation

Your DH does need to show consideration for how hard your role is too. You sound very reasonable and willing to listen, hopefully he would be receptive as well?

I absolutely agree with your DP on attending a Christening. I don't think that you always have to please other people and I think it's more important to be happy as a family unit.

DH has accepted invitations that I don't fancy and I've just not turned up in the end. It would have been better if he'd checked before accepting but it's not the end of the world.

IT isn't really jins is it, dh goes to a work thing once a year and I don't go some of the other wives go it is a christmas shopping trip well the pub is on the same street as the shops tbh id rather stick pins in my eyes and go and talk about his work , so he goes on his own he is fine with it,

I think you do sometimes have to do things that you don't want to - however I don't count going to partner's friend's events under that banner.

DP frequently needs the weekend off so I leave him at home when I go and do things with my family, and in return I feel no guilt when he takes DS off to his family and I stay at home alone

Do it often enough and people stop expecting the other to be there :)

I agree that you do sometimes have to do things you don't want to but you have to decide which are the ones that you have to attend and which are the ones that aren't important if all of you go.

The Christening wouldn't have been a deal breaker for me and I'd not have put out a three line whip for it.

I too can see both sides. Yes, we all have to do things we don't particularly want to sometimes, but I wouldn't count the Christening of your friend's dd in that. As long as he sent his apologies when the invitation was issued rather than saying he would go then not turning up. It's an invitation, not a command. But then, I don't have any problem going to things without my dh - I don't see why it's embarassing.

I have to say I disagree about it getting easier when they get older though - IME, (mine are 16, 14, and 11) it means you have to be FAR more organised, as they are involved in far more things, and often have to be in different places all at the same time. It becomes a logistical operation.

I understand your DP. I wouldn't attend an event in which I had no interest like a christening either. Free time should be that, not "obligation time".

We went through a similar crisis with twin babies and never a free moment. I remember coming on MN to ask for advice about whether I could back out of a social event because I just had had enough. I did and it was incredibly liberating. I realised that actually, as a grown-up, I can decide how I want to spend my time, as can dh.

Fast forward a few years and we have a pretty good understanding. DH loves to be out doing activities all the time but he knows that actually most of the time I won't go, because I just don't want to, end of. We discuss all activities and social events and can agree which we will do together and which we can do separately if one of us doesn't fancy it.

I can't remember the last time either of us was forced to attend something, and the idea seems mental now. I have no problem with declining an invitation by saying we are too busy, or accepting something for just one of us for the same reason.

We all have such limited free time, why on earth would we waste it going somewhere we didn't want to be?

I'd out myself way too much by explaining what I've done this weekend, but Saturday night was a meal out for me (a celebration), Sunday morning we went somewhere for some mutual friends and Sunday pm was the christening (my friend).

I am being generous to your DH here, because I'm currently working in a stressful job and I sometimes feel myself slipping into being jealous of anyone who I perceive as being home all day. I have to remind myself that the image I have in my mind is completely untrue. Obviously you're not sitting on your bum at all, or are even at home all day. In the same way your DH is not swanning about eating expensive business lunches while listening to stimulating adult conversation. Your DH does need to show consideration for how hard your role is too. You sound very reasonable and willing to listen, hopefully he would be receptive as well?

Luxem - this is where I'm struggling to feel for him - he does joke that I sit around and do nothing, which he knows is far from the truth, I don't bloody stop. But, even this morning I could see his point of view because I sat down for half an hour on MN which I suppose he doesn't have the opportunity to do (not MN, but you know what I mean). In the same breath, a kind of resentment come out yesterday, that I'm working from home and he has to physically go to work and be accountable to people (my job / business is very flexible). I explained that we agreed one of us would stay at home and not use childcare often (mainly cost) and so offered to go back to work full time and he would stop at home with DD. In his subborn mood yesterday he said yes, but then back tracked last night and said he loves his job and wouldn't want to reduce to 2.5 days.

I think that the Christening just topped it off for him this weekend. The things planned this month are a night out for me (celebration of big birthday) then a weekend off, then a wedding of someone I know (evening do).

I'm trying to be reasonable and have spoke to some RL friends this morning who could see it from both sides. I'm analysing it in my head too much!

When you have children unfortunately life is busy, I don't understand why he would expect anything different. I would always discuss what we are doing with DH first but sometimes you have to do these things whether you want to or not. Dh would never not go to a christening with me just because he wants 'alone' time.

We have got DNs holy communion coming up soon - we both cannot think of anything we would rather do LESS on a Sunday morning, in a catholic church with our 2 DSs but we would not let SIL down. I get that its family but still!

I think you need to discuss your weekend time together first maybe so he knows whats coming up.

I'm with your husband on this one. I work full time. I like having some stuff booked in at weekends, but I also like a good amount of downtime to just "be".

The thing is, to me he regularly has alone time. He goes to the gym, he walks or cycles to work, has a day every few weeks doing a hobby, DD sleeps so we have evenings to herself from 7.30pm

That's not very much. I don't think you can count commuting to work as time off, and a day every few weeks for a hobby sounds more like a jail sentence with time off for good behaviour! The thing is, he does do stuff he doesn't want to nearly all the time, including a very stressful job, and I'm not surprised he isn't enjoying his life.

There are men in my sport with non-participating wife and families who talk about getting a "weekend pass", every second weekend or so seems the standard. So I don't think your DH gets much "me-time" in comparison.

Going to a non-family member's child's christening in your limited time away from work and family duties sounds dire. If you must show face, surely one of you would suffice?

The christening I couldn't miss - she's a friend of mine and her son is a friend of DD's; I suppose it doesn't matter that DP didn't come other than it being embarrassing when my other friends are there, asking where he is

Seriously though, there are an awful lot of people out there who have better things to do than go to every christening of every child whose parents they know. Since when did attendance at Christenings for family friends become some sort of expected feature on the social calendar? Personally, I like to have a bit of broader scope than that, socially.

His day off for his hobby is his favourite time - believe me If I told you what it was, you'd laugh but he loves it and I love that he loves something that has been doing since he was a little lad. It certainly isn't "jail time". Not quite sure what you mean by that

A weekend 'pass' every couple of weeks, really? That really surprises me and I have many friends with kids, who would say that is unusual.

I've heard of the 1/2 day on Saturday to themselves, or a couple of hours here and there, but not a weekend pass to do nothing with your other half or family. What is the point of having a family if you're not going to see them every 2 weekends?

I suppose I'm more of a pleaser. I wouldn't dream of turning something down unless I had something booked in. I only get invited to things by people I like, love and respect (I have many friends but I stay loyal to people that treat me right and I have a lot of very nice friends). To turn down the Christening would be quite 'out of turn' on my part (that's just my opinion - I put myself in the person's shoes who's chosen to invite me and my family, and want us there as part of their day); it wasn't an option to me, but the compromise was for DP not to come - which is what happened.

I need to be more aware of what I say "yes" to in the future, I agree to that. That's the learning I suppose.

OP - I meant that a day off for his favourite hobby every few weeks isn't much...

If you do a sport as a hobby, which is permitted once you have children, you have to train for it. Some people also compete. Hence the freedom every second weekend (or third, or whatever it is for that couple). That would be on top of training most days each week. The cycling club, for instance, cycles from 9.30 - 12.30 every Saturday morning, and all day Sunday, and theres certainly no shortage of married men with children in it.

I think some people like to have a good balance in their lives between family, social life and time off doing what they want.

3 hours every saturday and all day sunday is not a very good balance between family and social IMO - that is all social!

There is no way DH would want to only spend a Saturday afternoon with the DCs all week (other than the hour between getting home and them going to bed).

I have a fairly big circle of friends who have children and not one of their husbands goes out/away every other or even 3rd weekend. Some of their DH's sit on their backside all weekend doing nothing with the family mind you so I guess that is even worse!

We both have plenty of time to ourselves really as we never make an issue of weekends away or nights out separately but we also want to spend time together and with the DCs.

There seems to still be a massive divide with the husbands 'me' time and the wifes from what I see especially when there are children involved.

I think if he's seeing 'stuff that we do with other young families' as your leisure time, that's not quite right. Neither me or DP count going to kid's parties as 'fun' but until he was the age where dropping and running was an option, we realised that while neither of us would choose to do that on a Saturday afternoon, it was important for DS. So we would compromise. I probably did more as I knew the mums, but we did a fair amount together and DP went on his own too. I would see the Christening in this light tbh - more a social event round DCs. So not vital that he went.

That said, I think accepting an invite then backing out is very rude so I would have been fuming from that pov.

I'm really surprised at these responses. I think it sounds like he has loads of free time (compared to me that is). I DO count gym time as time alone - it's not your fault he has to battle with his weight and needs to go to the gym. My DH and I try to have two hours off each a day. In that tho has to come Gym, hobbies, personal study, personal maintenance (ie sorting our stuff out for work/putting our laundry away/admin etc). If he chooses to use his to go to the gym then so be it (his clothes then live in a heap on the floor). Personally I like to put my stuff away and not live in a shit tip and have a nice hot bath.

i have a similar issue with DH in that he works all week and some weekends, then doesn't want to do anything remotely chore like at the weekend because 'he needs a break'. So no cleaning ever gets done.

Also DH works in London and i'd fucking love to have an hour each way to work commuting time (sitting on a train looking at the countryside, dozing or reading my book) and an hour lunch to sit in a cafe eating alone. SO yes i consider those luxuries atm.

It's all about balance, you should have the same amount of 'free' time - what you do with it then is up to you. Your DH sounds very childish.

I'm not sure if i missed it but did he just not go to the christening on the day or did he say no in advance? Also i would be really embarrassed, and would expect to have fewer friends if DH said to someone 'no i can't come to your christening because i don't want to, i'd rather be alone'. If a friend said that to me i'd tell them to fuck off!

Also if you dh goes out to his hobby for a day every couple of weeks, do you also get a whole day off then in return?

Case by case basis for all the extra stuff!
I don't think you should expect him to go to your friend's kid's christening, for instance . His reluctance to go is normal and does not mean he hates his life.

Fadbook, the christening "was planned". By whom?

I already see exactly how your DP feels and why but I'm wondering if there's even more reason to agree with him if either the christening invitation was accepted by you on his behalf, either upon receipt of a formal invitation or upon it first being mentioned in passing by the child's parents.

Also, you said, "The christening I couldn't miss - she's a friend of mine and her son is a friend of DD's".

Here's where I go !

Of course you could miss it. You may not have wanted to and that's cool, that's fine and great, but there's no obligation to go at all. What if you had been knackered/thought the host a prize PITA/would rather have gone to watch your favourite sportsman in a final/whathaveyou? Would you have missed the (unimportant to your family) unnecessary event or would you have been a martyr because you feel you "couldn't miss" it?