To get annoyed at fil (father in law) to turn up unexpectedly...?

[K8eee]

Ok so dh and I live away from both sets of parents. 2 and a half hours from my mum and dad and 4 hours away from his dad and partner

Anyway, on this one occasion we knew fil was coming down to see us, but hasn't told us a time or when he had set off. Anyway, we roll out of bed at 8am, I jump in the shower, do my ablutions and dh gets a phone call to say he's just down the road. No phone call or text to give us a nights notice or any idea of when he would be expected to turn up. We used to live around the corner from him before we moved to our new home, and would turn up out of the blue. Tbh I can't stand it, and think its rude to just 'turn up' and be expected to be welcomed in for a tea and a few hours. I think it's polite to phone or text the person to see if its convenient. He did the same thing in the middle of me having my hair and make up trial for my wedding and just got in the way the whole time he was there. I used to get on with him, but its gradually making me dislike him over something so petty. Am I the only one who thinks its utterly rude?!

Ehh, I would have returned the tools to him and ignored his whingeing about not seeing what you had done.

I am with you OP, on the 8 AM bit, No one dare breath in this house, 'till I've had my morning shower and coffee

The thing is, it's all well and good when you have ILs where the atmosphere is lovely and natural and conversation comes easy. Some of us don't.

FIL used to randomly call to our house all the time when DS was a baby, always after 8 o'clock at night. DH was working really hard at the time on freelance work and getting his degree and explained to his dad that he would be really busy at that time during the week (we always spent time with them at the weekend) but it didn't stop him.

He would call 2 maybe 3 times Monday to Friday and stay 3 hours at a time. He would just sit there, waiting for us to make conversation and make no effort himself. It made DH miserable and we used to flinch when the doorbell rang.

Then one Friday night we had just got DS to sleep and opened a bottle of wine - a really rare night off back then for DH - the doorbell rang and DH made me ignore it.

FIL is "A Visitor". He gets bored sitting in the house so goes out to other peoples to be entertained, which is fair enough but it's not really fair on the people who have to entertain him all the time.

Totally agree with Chewing - if you are comfortable 'dropping in' to see someone you find it hard to understand the other point of view. My family is very formal, I wouldn't dream of 'popping in' to my parents, even though they live very locally. Equally they would always call me to arrange a formal visit.

We all lead very busy, active lives so I know that I would have to check to see if they were home before I turned up - and even if they were home, is it convenient? Eg: this evening I have a rare evening at home on my own, DS and DH are out, I have purposely kept the evening free to relax and have quality time on my own musnetting before a busy weekend. I would hate it if someone turned up unannounced, even though I am not doing anything specific.

And who on earth turns up at 8am in the morning?

Gosh IMO YABU. He told you he was coming, that should've been enough. You don't really sound like you want him to come round anyway, which probably makes him feel very unwelcome. :(

Maybe because I've always grown up with the thing of 'arranging' for people to come round. I wouldn't and still won't just turn up at someone's house unexpectedly.

For all he could've known we might of been having a lazy morning before a reasonable arrival of 10am. Or in the middle of having sex! Who knows, but I'm glad we're out of the same neighbourhood.

Babooska I feel VERY sorry for you. How awful I'm hoping this doesn't happen once our first baby arrives. I know I'm going to make it plain and clear that I want people to tell me when they're coming to meet new baby.

Yep definitely need my space first thing in the morning too.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to know if someone if planning on visiting your home or checking first to see if you are busy, K8eee.

Some people will have you believe it's rude or unwelcoming but it's not, it's just different from how they do things. Neither is right or wrong.

Set up boundaries that are comfortable for you and your DH, it's the least that be expected in your own home.

is planning on

i am surprised at how many people are saying yabu. in my family no one would ever turn up without a pre told time. I suppose it's because none of us have ever really lived close enough for popping in. There was one time (2 yrs) when i lived 5 mins from M&D and neither of us woulde ever have turned up without letting each other know - just by a quick call at least first. I don't think it's rude to expect that. I think it's really bloody rude (no matter who you are) to turn up.

I also think it's rude to tell people (even close family) to help themselves. I would never feel comfortable doing that so would end up starving! I would never tell someone to help themselves in my home either. I am not from an older generation either. BUT i am from a very small family, we are not used to the hustle and bustle of people coming and going and all mucking in. I know bigger families who are different.

It always depends on how you were brought up as to how comfortable you are with people popping in.

My family and DP's family are not poppers in, thank goodness. We are around at each others houses a lot, but always call and check first. I would really hate to have someone turning up unannounced, especially if I've got plans or appointments to go to.

I would equally hate to impose on someone and ruin their plans. I check that a visit is convenient, and with my family we all know we can put each other off without insulting anyone.

We used to leave right near my parents but out of courtesy we'd phone each other just to make sure it was ok to pop over. I'd never dream of just going to someone's house and not feel welcome. Guess it is how we're all brought up!

I guess next time your fil says he is coming and refuses to give an actual time, you'll need to put limits on it yourself sothat he doesn't turn up at a bad time. Eg 'any time after 10am on Saturday morning as we need a lie in after a long busy week and then we've already been invited out in the evening which we're looking forward to and can't cancel, so we'll need to say goodbye to you about 6 which should give us just enough time to get ready and be out on time. But we'd love to see you during those times...

Also ask him to text or call you when he sets off - or if it's going to be crazy early, then to do this when he's an hour away 'to make sure we can be awake and ready for you'. Or if you think he's going to do it again, arrange to be away yourselves the night before (or go out if you can bear to be up and out that early) so he gets there and has to wait around for your return. Then you can have the 'well if only you'd told us you were planning on coming this early, we'd have been able to tell you that we wouldn't be there yet, given the drive time we thought you'd be here about 11-12, never dreamed it would be 8am!'

I think it also depends on the family traditions - when I was little we were always up and dressed by about 9am, even having had a lie in. However I'm much more relaxed and we have lovely long family lie ins that would horrify my mother! And when ds1 was a baby, he would sleep until about 8.30-9 in the morning, so I would too. The localbaby group used tostart at 9am and I never got there before 10am and that was a struggle, it was just the way our mornings worked. And I wished that the group started later - 9am seemed such a ridiculously early and unmanageable time. However there were other mums there that had babies that were up, awake and had fed by 6am so to them they had to wait around for ages before they could go to the group and 9am seemed crazy late. People just have different internal clocks and expectations regarding time - we all live in our own personal timezone and it's easy to forget that others don't necessarily share your timings.

Which of course is another good reason to give someone a heads up on when you plan to arrive. Op, I'd definitely try to push your fil to get a time slot from fil if he won't give a precise time as a compromise, just in case next time he comes he doesn't turn up until 4 and you e wasted the day sat at home waiting for him whereas if you knew he was coming 3-5pm it would make it easier for you. And give him a slot that you'll definitely be home and say he'll have to take his chances outside those times!

I might try that next time the whole thing of making him know its an inconvenience not telling is a time so we know when to expect him. I kind of wish I hadn't of rushed around so he would quite clearly see it helps to tell someone when you're arriving.

It's the thing though that he turned up during my hair and make up trial for dh and I wedding, trying to but in when I'm having a conversation with make up lady, and not realising its an inconvenience and the wrong time. He did it also, when my family had travelled up to stay with us and didn't listen to what I had said of 'we're really busy while they're here and we'll arrange for us all to go out' still that didn't stop him interrupting us.

Dh isn't fussed about seeing his dad

Now that I find rather sad.

Why couldn't your husband make him tea and breakfast if you were still getting up?
I think you're letting your obvious dislike of the man cloud your judgement here. To be fair, I wouldn't be thrilled at someone turning up at 8am on a Saturday either, but if you know he has form for this, then get your dh to tell him to call/text when he's half an hour away. And if that's not possible, then your dh has to entertain him until you're ready.

Because dh is similar to fil in that respect. I do think though I shall be putting my foot down and making dh entertain him. If he makes any snidey remarks I'll make him well aware that he has put me out. I don't want to be unwelcoming, but when someone is bombarding me inconveniently I hate it!!!!

"Because dh is similar to fil in that respect"
Therein lies your problem. Sort dh out first and get him to pull his finger out on the household front.

I'm already well aware of that thanks