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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get annoyed at fil (father in law) to turn up unexpectedly...?

68 replies

K8eee · 10/05/2013 14:32

Ok so dh and I live away from both sets of parents. 2 and a half hours from my mum and dad and 4 hours away from his dad and partner

Anyway, on this one occasion we knew fil was coming down to see us, but hasn't told us a time or when he had set off. Anyway, we roll out of bed at 8am, I jump in the shower, do my ablutions and dh gets a phone call to say he's just down the road. No phone call or text to give us a nights notice or any idea of when he would be expected to turn up. We used to live around the corner from him before we moved to our new home, and would turn up out of the blue. Tbh I can't stand it, and think its rude to just 'turn up' and be expected to be welcomed in for a tea and a few hours. I think it's polite to phone or text the person to see if its convenient. He did the same thing in the middle of me having my hair and make up trial for my wedding and just got in the way the whole time he was there. I used to get on with him, but its gradually making me dislike him over something so petty. Am I the only one who thinks its utterly rude?! Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
K8eee · 10/05/2013 16:09

As I said previously he wanted to come down to see what we had done work wise and to see our new house

OP posts:
ENormaSnob · 10/05/2013 16:09

X posts

OldRichandGrateful · 10/05/2013 16:12

I find it's the older, retired members of my family that would think it was perfectly reasonable to turn up at the crack of dawn for a visit and expect to be entertained whilst I'm thinking about doing the laundry/going to the market/hoovering/ironing. They haven't got full time jobs or children to worry about. I love my lazy weekend mornings after a week of getting up at 6am. Visitors welcome after lunch!

Original poster
K8eee · 10/05/2013 16:14

Well we work everyday, and yep appreciate it when people make an effort to see us but not at 8am

OP posts:
OldRichandGrateful · 10/05/2013 16:22

OP - I hear you. It is rude and inconsiderate just to turn up so early, even if you know he is coming.

Original poster
K8eee · 10/05/2013 16:23

It doesn't take much to just check if someone is in does it? Has anyone ever hidden and ignored the door if they can't be bothered with talking and being nice to someone when they're in one of those moods Grin

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 10/05/2013 16:25

YABU. You knew he was coming.

EuroShaggleton · 10/05/2013 16:26

If you wanted to know what time to expect him, you should have asked the night before! YABU. You knew he was coming and you were very rude in the way you spoke to him.

Original poster
K8eee · 10/05/2013 16:26

But at 8am?!?! We weren't told a time or given any guidance on when to expect him

OP posts:
Original poster
K8eee · 10/05/2013 16:28

Ha he would've back chatted me. Giving him a taste of his own medicine Wink

OP posts:
OldRichandGrateful · 10/05/2013 16:28

Am I right in thinking that FIL lives 4 hours away? Which meant he must have left home at 4am? Seriously, who does that?

Original poster
K8eee · 10/05/2013 16:30

Yeah, I know. And leaving at that sort of time you know and can be polite enough to tell someone. I was expecting him to leave at the earliest 6am that's what I would've done anyway. His excuse was, well because I've got to get through London and I want to miss the traffic through the dartford tunnel so want to leave by the latest 1pm.

OP posts:
NotYoMomma · 10/05/2013 16:31

Why not ask him?

Are you coming tomorrow? What time are you leaving or arriving?

It's not really hard is it? :/

An the poster with the bil, if you know he likes an invite, what harm is it to give him an invite? Hardly taxing or worth a 4 month stalemate.

Original poster
K8eee · 10/05/2013 16:32

We do ask him but 'he never knows' how can you not know?!?

OP posts:
OldRichandGrateful · 10/05/2013 16:33

Fair enough - but he still could have told you the night before what time to expect him Smile

OldRichandGrateful · 10/05/2013 16:34

Xpost

LapsedPacifist · 10/05/2013 16:41

YABU for using the phrase 'he wanted to have a nose to see where we're now living' Shock. Is that really 'having a nose? Is it so unreasonable to want to see your own son's new home, especially when he's borrowed your tools to do work on the place?

LunaticFringe · 10/05/2013 16:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OrangeLily · 10/05/2013 16:44

Sorry to the posters that just pop round to their DD or DS's house. There is a difference between being welcome and just turning up!

Is be mortified if my parents or PIL did that.

Imagine you interrupted something very private?!?!

Original poster
K8eee · 10/05/2013 16:45

The tools were for work reasons, and yep it was to nose. He was shocked we didn't show him our bedroom or the third floor. Ergh I must be a minority who finds it odd.

OP posts:
thestringcheesemassacre · 10/05/2013 17:01

But he's your husbands father.
My family drop in as and whenever suit them. And I wish my MIL would be more spontaneous and do this as it's exactly how we grew up.
I don't serve them like a cafe though, they can find the kettle and the toaster etc.

raisah · 10/05/2013 17:12

The older generation do expect to be 'hosted' as a guest in the hosts house. My mum still thinks its rude to help herself eventhough I've told her to a million times. Its just a generational cultural expectation.

Do you have kids? Please be careful about passing on your inhospitality as you might be on the recieving end of it 20 years later.

ChewingOnLifesGristle · 10/05/2013 17:20

I've said it before and I'll say it again...in life you are either a 'popper-inner' or you're not and the twain will never understand each other's pov, not in a million years.

I'm not one. I detest being landed on. I don't think I'm inhospitable I just don't like people turning up and washing aside whatever plans I may have had. Mil otoh is one and she doesn't half wind me upHmm

OldRichandGrateful · 10/05/2013 17:30

I don't care if he is DHs Father. It's still rude IMO just to turn up and expect to be entertained. It's even ruder if he is coming for a nose around at 8am!

I wouldn't dream of just turning up to visit DS without warning. Goodness knows what I might be interrupting!!

I accept that there are those you love unexpected visitors and those who don't. If I'm not expecting you, I won't answer the door.

JuliaScurr · 10/05/2013 17:33

I loathe people popping in. I loathe rushing in the morning. Anyone who pops in in the morning (8am !!!) should prepare to die
horribly rude to invade people's space & privacy

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