To want to go by myself to a music festival?

[KatyTheCleaningLady]

Okay. My husband has been working up in Scotland while I've been living in England, working and being a single mother since Christmas. DH is due to come down to join us at the end of the month, and today he finds out if he has a job he really wants. We are pretty optimistic about that happening.

If he has the job, we are financially set. Yay!

Now, I've been scrubbing toilets and wrangling kids and making decent money, and I would like a little break.

I have never been to a festival. I also have never seen Slayer live. They are headlining at Bloodfest in August. I was thinking it would be fun to go for the Saturday and Sunday, leaving Sat am and coming home Monday am.

I don't think a little weekend away is a big deal, but a lot of people I know are aghast. "You want to leave your husband with the kids while you go to a heavy metal festival?" Er, yes?

I have not asked my dh yet as we are focused on the job thing he will hear about today. If it's the good news we're hoping for, I will ask him.

My husband has "let" me take a trip to Los Angeles and a little trip to Bruges. I also go for all day hill walks, etc. I like the occasional break and he's pretty cool about this.
But so many people look at me, and make comments to the effect of me somehow having my husband under some sort of unfair control that makes him agree to these things, that I'm wondering if maybe they're right. DH is ok with this sort of thing, but he does grumble a little.

How many of you with dh/dp's would be "allowed" to go off for a weekend like this?

Am I BU?

Give him this face .
Then give him a "Oooh, I get it, good joke" eyeroll.
Then laugh at him.
Then book your solo ticket.
Then just go.
Enjoy. :)

See- I find it really hard to understand this.

Surely it goes something like "There's a festival I'd like to go to on the 25th [this conversation taking place a reasonably long time before the 25th]- you haven't got anything booked have you? Great, I'll put it on the calendar"

And I am incredibly old. It's so depressing if younger women have to ask permission!

You're right as always seeker.

My ex husband was always supportive of my weekends away and still is 11 years post-divorce. As am I of his and as it should be.

It's depressing that either sex, young or older, should have to ask permission, seeker.

It's notable that the guy on MN recently who wanted to take 2 days out of a holiday to experience a once in a lifetime football trip to Wembley got a completely different response to the OP! He was asked how he could possibly put his own interests before spending time with his family!

I was about to post about download and camp loner but see someone got there before me! I'm also going along with the loners this year!!

I know they go to other festivals like sonisphere and know two loners who definitely go to bloodstock so may be worth investigating

There is a significant difference between taking 2 days out of a week long family holiday, incurring significant extra expense and the OP's situation.

But yes, I would be saying the same about the OP if the roles were reversed.

I think Roonamara has hit upon it. I used to live in San Francisco back when these thrash bands were in their heyday, and while I didn't sleep with anyone who is actually performing at the festival, I could have, had the lineup been different. I wasn't a groupie or anything, but I was single and in that scene and I had a lot of fun.

And, yeah, this is my "thing" and I will be having a bit of a middle aged nostalgia trip and he's not really a part of that.

I'm not interested in sleeping with some longhaired guy or anything, but I will be sort of escaping into some kind of nostalgia.

I thought that kind of music is silly, but I do love the brutal intensity of it, and will totally be head banging and making that stupid \m/ thing with my fist and I don't think it would be fun to have my husband there.

My son, on the other hand, might actually enjoy it. I am told that this is a very friendly festival, kids are welcome and can play with other kids, and nobody is going to mess with them. A bunch of people on the Bloodstock forum assure me that they take kids his age and they have fun. I don't want to see every band (none of that Dungeons and Dragons guys with opera voices for me, thanks) so he and I will do stuff besides the music. And, it's only for two days.

I would still rather go alone, but if taking a kid makes my husband happy, and my son continues to want to go, I will.

"I would still rather go alone, but if taking a kid makes my husband happy, and my son continues to want to go, I will."

Why?

OP......this isn't great, you know.

Sad how the tone of this thread has changed from celebrating independence within relationships to, well, your husband informing you that you don't have his permission to go alone

I did tell my husband that I would look for other mums who are going. If I were either with other families or other mums (even if they don't bring kids) , I think he would be happier.

I will say that of course I can go if I want to. He even said "I don't want to be a wanker about this" but I would rather he were actually happy with the situation.

My dd (4) loves thrash metal although her preference is Megadeth not Slayer. I can't wait for her to be old enough to go to a festival with myself and dp (fellow thrash fan lucky me). Me and dp went to sonisphere at knebworth and there were loads of families and a separate camping area for them. The area was big enough that you could stand far enough away from the moshpit and there was generally a very friendly vibe. The issues surrounding permission aside your son would probably love it and that would be brilliant being able to have that memory together.

In relation to dp, I'm a bit hmn about what he's saying. Would he have the same reaction if you wanted to go to London and see a play? Probably not. He either trusts you or he doesn't.

Of course you'd rather he was happy.

But why should you spoil it for yourself to keep him happy?

I once stated a thread about women being "emotion-keepers". Oh, how I was flamed! But that's what you're being. You're compromising your perfectly reasonable plan to humour his perfectly unreasonable concerns.

Yeah, if I were going to a knitting gathering/festival, he'd be fine with it.

This is him knowing I'll be drinking in an atmosphere that he assumes will be full of drugs and satanists, having a weekend of nostalgic escapism.

And sometimes you have to just do these things so that you can say, - see, everything was fine. Do what you want to do, if that is going by yourself then do it. I missed out on loads of things when I was married to exh because he wasn't happy about this or that. He couldn't stop me going, i stopped myself. Wish I hadn't.

'I thought that kind of music is silly, but I do love the brutal intensity of it, and will totally be head banging and making that stupid \m/ thing with my fist and I don't think it would be fun to have my husband there. '

I don't think it would be fun to have my husband there. That kind of says it all. He is feeling rejected. I think that's why he considers it a threat. He's not welcome.

I'm not having a go at you. I understand how you feel but it rings a couple of warning bells for me....firstly do you consider this a greater part of your 'self' than him? If so that needs looking at I think.

Secondly do you really want to be with your H, if he can't relate to this part of you?

Only asking as in my case, all those years ago, I did love my boyfriend but this part of me was something I didn't think he could ever understand - and the amount that it mattered to me, to experience it on my own, fully, including wanting to take any offers I might get in terms of 'living' in that set up (and I did get invited to share a cab by the lead singer, and declined as I knew I wasn't free to, and resented that) was an indication of how much more important to me being able to fully express myself was than my relationship with this poor lovely bloke who just didn't understand my maudlin side.

He was interested in other people, too, as time went by and we broke up. Maybe this is far from your life/motivations but it is interesting to explore the idea of fidelity vs 'self expression' etc

(at risk of sounding like a huge wanker)

Voivod are playing on the Friday! Other than them, Slayer are the only other band on the line up I really want to see, so £130 for two bands is too steep for me.

Roonamara I'm not going to leave my husband, the father of our children, over thrash metal. Lol.

But, yeah, this is my thing, and I don't think he'd enjoy it.

My son is keen. We've been watching the bands on YouTube and he likes the same ones I do. He likes the growly vocals and thinks the melodic stuff is stupid. "Oooh, unicorns and dragons... Lame! I like that other guy who sings like a monster."

We watched something called The Social History of the Mosh Pit and professed disappointment when I said that he couldn't go anywhere near that, but I think he was actually relieved. [w

I do think we'll have fun together.

I don't mean to sound cruel but from what I've seen the experience of festivals for people with kids in their party is a little restricted due to younger kids getting tired if standing/toilet/food/weather as well as the other things like being close enough to the front to actually see anything...(private head banging and shameless singing!!!) and also despite their best wishes there are always mosh pits/walls of death/ circle pits/unpredictable people be it drugs, drink or general douchebaggery, crowd surfers/ flying bottles etc and these can all get nasty. you have the most fun when everyone you bring can look after themselves so you can spend more time enjoying and less time worrying and watching a little person. Also most couples I see there end up falling out. And having my husband there would seriously make me feel self conscious of how I sang/danced and things.

Nicholas I saw VoiVod back in 1989 or so. I had a terrible flu and I wasn't able to enjoy it, although I do remember they sounded good. I had to leave early.

I would like to see them but it's really unlikely that I can go before Saturday. As it is, I will be leaving as early as possible in the morning so that I can have the tent pitched by noon. It's sort of tempting to go Friday night, but I probably can't leave before tea time so I'd show up in time to see King Diamond and that would be utterly pointless. Given a choice between King Diamond punching me in the face or singing to me, I'd choose the punch.

Well, it seems that taking our oldest son doesn't actually make my husband feel better about this. He's just not happy with the whole idea. Honestly, it sounds like he just doesn't like the idea of me going off and doing something that doesn't include him. He wouldn't care if it were knitting, although he would still maybe grumble a bit about me "disappearing" on the weekend. I do NOT go away somewhere every weekend, but he doesn't like it when I do. I think it's something to do with feeling like I am escaping (which I am) and he feels rejected. I'm not escaping him - I just want to go away and do my own thing. I'm probably escaping the kids more than anything. I have always enjoyed being alone and doing things on my own.

When I stay home on a Saturday, he sits and watches reruns of Lovejoy all day and dozes in a chair. He likes to sit at home and relax. If I make an effort, I can get us to all go do something as a family outside the house, but it's a hassle and he doesn't much like it. It's stressful for him to deal with the kids I think. It is for me, too, which is probably why I like to escape sometimes.

I would encourage him to go do something, himself, but he won't. He'll say he can't afford it (implying that I can't afford it, either) or will just sit in the chair and not actually do anything.

Honestly, weekends for me usually mean running around dealing with bored, hungry kids becoming resentful while he dozes in his chair and makes little hints about wanting something to eat. That's probably why I like to escape when I can. My most common escape is to grab one kid and take him with me for a day of running errands, thereby reducing his burden by 1/3 and giving that one kid some one-on-one attention.

My husband almost never does this for me. In fact, I will take all three kids somewhere (not fun, but I will do it) and he absolutely refuses. For six years when we were living in Scotland, I drove down here to his parent's house with all the kids at every school holiday (half terms and a couple of times during the summer). He'd be left at home alone for a few days and I would have all kids with me. I once begged him to return the favour - I thought lazing around an empty quiet house sounded like heaven - and he flatly refused. He said he can't handle driving all three boys in the car for a long journey. Even taking one child out somewhere - even some trivial thing like going to B&Q for something - he doesn't really want to do. He says he can't cope.

Anyway, I don't know if I should just say "Fuck it, I'm going" or if I should be less selfish and not go running off to a festival and stay at home. Because I will feel like a guilty bitch if I go. It doesn't help that a lot of friends honestly seem to think that I'm taking the piss to even consider doing it.

Sounds like he's the selfish one OP.

1. Say fuck it and GO, woman!
2. Start seeking out more supportive, understanding, less biased-towards-old-fashioned-double-standards friends and dump the ones who think you're taking the piss.

I came on this thread to say "Yay" to a fellow Slayer fan and to debate the merits of the various festivals, but your last post has put a different slant on things.

You're not taking the piss to go to a festival and be yourself for a bit. My DH actively encourages me to go to gigs he can't be arsed to go to and I always find someone to talk to.

I've had a beer too many to fully articulate tonight but I'm on team "Fuck it, I'm going"

How would he react if you wanted to do something on your own but it was something he "approved" of ?