to start doing less for unappreciative dd?

[LittleLisa78]

I fully accept that I am overly keen that my daughters have a great childhood because I didn't but recently I feel as though my eldest, who's 5, doesn't appreciate anything I do and am wondering whether I should do less or it's just one of those things - having to accept she won't appreciate it until she's older. Her father and I are separated and he sees her twice a month, I have offered more contact which he doesn't take up even in holidays. He regularly makes promises like trips to zoos, theme Parks, abroad etc which he always breaks. He spends no time with her, fobbing her off with the Ipad while he has friends over etc. He goes abroad at least three times per year but never takes DD. He regularly has weekdays off but has never arranged to collect DD from school or take her to any of the three extra curricular activities she does which I do with baby in tow.
I dedicate my life to my children yet if I ever broke a promise she wouldn't let me live it down. She moans at me for not spending enough time with her yet he spends none with her and she says nothing. Tonight he arrived for midweek contact for the first time in months, having cancelled various times, and he gets treated like a hero. I had some spare money at the end of last month and could really have done with some new clothes but decided to buy Walking With Dinosaurs tickets instead as I know she'll love it but when I told her she treats it like 'i should think so too' whereas if her dad had booked it she'd go on about how kind he is for weeks. He never has contact if she's ill, never helps with things like dance shows - I run around constantly for her and of course I don't expect thanks and it's my job as her mum but WIBU to start doing a bit less if her dad gets away with doing bugger all?

Save it all up and trot it out at regular intervals
Like my mum does

She moans at you as she is secure in your love for her - she is less secure in her father's love for her so she wouldn't push it with him - he has proved that he will sack her off when he wants to - she won't test his boundaries.

Yabu I accepted this thread to be about a 15 year old not a 5 year old. At 5 you are not able to understand that mummy put her first by buying tickets instead if clothes for yourself. She is not unappreciative she is a normal five year old.

You are being a martyr.

That is not a compliment.

At five she can't be expected to understand that you sacrificed buying clothes for her dinosaur ticket!! However you can teach her to be grateful and to thank you. Don't take your ex's behaviour out on her. Ylj don't want her to two shite parents do you?

What namechanger said. Spot on.
And I know how you feel. 5/6 is too young to understand "appreciation", though she absolutely should have manners towards you-I am a LP too, and I am unequivecal(sp?) about being treated with respect by my son.
I DO go above and beyond to raise him, alone, but I don't really want him to know that. I just want him to treat me with the same respect he would treat anyone. Hell, scratch that. I want UTMOST respect. Because I am his mum.
That's all.
What your Ex does, ultimately, is his choice, and nothing to do with you, as long as dd is safe obvs.
I know it's hard, but you have to seperate his parenting from your own.
Don't go down the road of feeling bitter and resentful.
As she gets older it will get easier, and you will regain some of your old life, and if you don't, you should ask yourself why.
You deserve a good life, and there is no reason why you can't be a happy, relaxed mum.
Actually, you have the better deal, because you get to be a full time mum to your daughter, and not a fairweather parent.
She WILL appreciate it when she is grown, but not now, and you cant expect her to.

Also ime 6 ish is the time when they start to assert a bit of independence. They can do this by being right little buggers actually. It's boundary pushing time.
Let her have make some real independant choices, little things, but maybe significant to her, and let her feel a little bit more in control of certain aspects of her life. They need this at that age I think (I speak as someone with a very bloody minded child, and this approach has worked for me).

And forget activities for a bit. It can be stressy trying to always plan stuff. I find that often what ds wants most is my time.
If we spend Sunday with pants on our head pretending to be Ninja Turtles, and laughing, then I say that is a good use of time. It also costs nowt!

You cannot honestly expect a 5 yo to be appreciative, TBH. They are too small to be grateful for all that Mummy does. Of course, they take it for granted - they are (or should be) entitled to do so at this age.

I'd expect a 15 yo to be appreciative of the things I do. Not a wee one of this age.

Integrity is doing the right thing when no one else is watching (or appreciating it).

She is young, you are her constant and you are the adult. You need to do right by her regardless of how her Dad is behaving because in years to come it will matter and it will shape the kind of person she becomes.

Do you want her to become the kind of person that expects praise for every remotely kind act they do, being a kind hearted person means you don't need the praise or appreciation because you know you are doing the right thing!

I do right by my children because in years to come it will matter whether they remember all the little things or not. They are both under 4 so won't remember much of these young years but it will have had a huge impact on the person they become! Kids of that age simply don't understand the sacrifices we make for them but it will click one day. When I had kids of my own so much about the way my Mum was during my childhood made so much more sense to me and I could help but appreciate her more for everything she'd done for me when I was little.

*couldn't

I think a 5 year old can be appreciative but she will need a little help.

Put the father adoration aside, it will pass. Concentrate on the relationship between you and your DD. Make it the best it can be.

I would sit an have a upbeat and chatty run through of all the things you do for her and then mention that you would really like you BOTH started saying thankyou. She needs to know what is expected of her. When she does say thank you, tell her you appreciate her saying it and how it makes you feel.

Lead by example. When she does something, show her appreciation - 'thanks for getting changed so quickly, it means we can have a nice slow breakfast together' or 'thanks for helping with the food shopping, it so much nicer and quicker when we do it together'. Find lots of opportunities to show you appreciation. Model the expected behavior.

If she moans at you, ask her 'how do you say that in a better/kinder way?' Let her think of a better way of saying what she wants to say. If she can't, then lightly make a suggestion about how she could say something to you.

Instead of booking the walking with dinosaurs, mention to her that you are only THINKING of booking it. If she shows no appreciation and too much expectation, simply don't book it. If she asks why it's not booked, explain that it would have been a special treat but to book tickets required nicer behavior/response from her.

If she nags ignore and walk away, don't argue. Or ask her to find a better way to say things. Or tell her if she nags again, she will loose a specific treat (crisps in her lunch box) and follow though.

Also make sure the whole family say thank you for tiny small things like passing the tv remote etc

I am like a broken record with my four boys but they do respond to all the above and are generally appreciative.

Also time out for being rude? The naughty step can be anywhere - in the park, on the walk home, in her bedroom, in your garden. Be consistent. Dont let her talk to you rudely.

That sounds really hard! But she's only 5. You have to be the better parent here. If she's still like this as a teenager, I would think differently. As others have said, she is much too young to have to understand that parents make huge sacrifices for their children.

Thanks again for your replies. I too had a mum who used to harp on about what an ungrateful cow I was etc and typically I used to think 'well I never asked to be born!' So am very wary not to be like her. DD has been super polite today and was talking about something we did a couple of years ago so I reason that she must have appreciated it or she wouldn't remember it. She also told younger DD she's lucky to have a lovely mummy today :-)
to answer the question - I was a political journalist which is something I will never really get back into.

Another way to model gratitude might be to have a 'thankful' conversation at the dinner table together every night. Christian families say grace but it can equally apply in non-Christian settings. We used to have to say one thing we're thankful for every night before dinner. And I truly feel that my siblings and I are now grateful and centred people because of this. Honour whatever it is she says she's thankful for. It could be that she says she's thankful not to have to eat last night's leftover spinach for dinner tonight. Take that sort of thing on the chin!

Agree with kiwi We do 'good thing/bad thing' at dinner. It's lighthearted generally but helpful way of knowing what's going on with them, and either myself or DH will make sure our 'good thing' is focused on gratitude. It's never too early to teach them to appreciate what they have, you might want to talk to her about how lucky she is, and how some kids aren't. Ask if she'd like to donate some old toys to charity, give up some ice cream money to Shelter, explain why.

Her relationship with her DF is completely out of your hands and sadly you'll be the one mopping her tears in a few years when she realizes how selfish he is

I too gave up a career (press officer at various quangos, scowls at Lisa ). I get it

I think you have 2 issues

One is her behaviour towards you, not involving her father. And you are right with your last post, children don't ask to be born and they don't ask you as their mum to do x,y and z. You can teach your DD to be polite and give consequences for being rude, but she does not have the mental capacity to understand what you do for her. She feels secure with you but she doesn't understand why. She just takes you for granted - you are a permanent fixture in her life. That's a great thing by the way. When she reaches adulthood she will probably 'get' you being there for her all the time, but for now she won't.

Also, she's used to you behaving in a certain manner. She's also used to seeing her father behave in a certain manner, which is different from yours. She finds it normal and routine for you to keep promises, behave reliably, spend time with her frequently. Therefore if you change your behaviour and suddenly break a promise/don't spend time with her etc, she will find it odd and not very nice/unsettling, and she will 'not let it go'. However her father behaves differently to you and she accepts that. She accepts his behaviour because it's the standard she knows. She won't accept it from you because it's not your usual behaviour and children want adults to behave consistently. It's extremely unsettling for kids when adults around them are inconsistent so she pushes you to act in the same reliable 'good mum' manner continuously. Him...not so much. His behaviour is consistently not very good in adult terms...but at least it's consistently not very good so she knows what to expect from him.

Second issue is her relationship with him vs her relationship with you. You are struggling with her having a different standard for him and for you. And struggling with her love and her huge excitement in seeing him, versus not doing that for you.

You know, I get. I totally get it, because I'm going a situation with quite a few parallels right now with my DD2. My DD2 is much older at 17, but same principle. My DD was adopted by me when she was just turned 8 and since February she has been in close contact with her birth mum. And that involved similar things that are going on with your DD...my DD became much more difficult with me, whilst forgiving her other mum everything. She went on about how wonderful her mum was and she couldn't say a bad word about her although no problem swearing at me. That's just the very tip of the iceberg. And it's emotional crap for me, makes me feel really unwanted and left out and second best. It's not really like that, but you cn't help feeling it.

I've found that the only way to deal with that side is just to disengage more. Switch brain off when talking about mum. Don't think about her.

You could try similar. Try not to dwell on his relationship with your DD. Actively stop yourself thinking about it if you do. And carry on being there for your DD. She expects more from you because you always and consistently give her more. She expects what she knows. Be proud of that.