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AIBU?

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Original poster

Lost the will to support friend with money issues any longer and not loan money?!

69 replies

DaisyFlower123 · 08/05/2013 13:25

I have a friend, call her A, all she ever does is whinge and moan about how much debt they are in, how they owe lots of money on credit cards, overdrawn etc, etc. I have now on a number of occasions sat down with her, at her request, gone through all their income and outgoings, helped them sort out how to pay back the debts etc. She and her DH never ever stick to this and are constantly fine dining, going on holiday and buying expensive things - apparently it is not worth having if it isn't designer!

Financially, myself and DH are doing well, though we earn less than friend and have childcare to pay for, we never use credit cards, have no loans (apart from mortgage) and are building up our savings. We have fun and go away etc but it'll be camping in cornwall rather than 2 weeks in St Lucia! We are not tight with money but we are careful.

Friend A has now had another crash financially and has asked us to loan them over £5000 so they 'can get on top of the worst credit cards'. they promise to pay us back within a year, they'll follow whatever financial plan I help them create etc, etc. We have said no. £5000 is ALOT of money to us and we are just expecting DC2 so need to cover my maternity etc. Friend A and DH are now livid with us, they say we can afford it and if we were true friends we would help them out.

The thing is I would help them out if I thought for one minute they would actually really try and sort things out but they have never done this in the past. I have never asked to be privy to their finances, they have always come to us, but I don't think their financial situation is our problem. I will always help them if they wanted advice, but I am no professional in this, I just know what myself and DH do. I've suggested they seek professional help from the debt repayment organisations etc but 'that's too demeaning' apparently.

Apparently this will effect our friendship long term according to them but I think that's just blackmail and makes me feel used!

In the background to all this we lent them £1000 about four years ago with a promised repayment of 3 mths, 2 years later they finally paid us back!!

AIBU to think this isn't my problem and they should respect our decision?

OP posts:
JugglingFromHereToThere · 08/05/2013 13:44

Definitely right to draw the line at lending them any money (a pity you did so before ?). You've been more than generous with your advice, and I'd gradually move away from offering so much of that now too. In fact I'd be moving away from the friendship in general now given their unfriendly attitude.
It's bad enough asking you for a massive loan, but it's completely out of order to not accept no for an answer. Rather unpleasant of them all round.

Walkacrossthesand · 08/05/2013 13:47

Yikes! Imagine how you'd feel when you heard about their next flashy holiday - which you surely would - you would feel that you were paying for it!! Shock No way. You've done more than enough to help already, and they aren't doing what they can (ie living within their means). Stick to your guns and don't lend any more money.

Gingersstuff · 08/05/2013 13:48

These people are not your friends. What they are, is category 1 arseholes. Step away from this and enjoy your new baby.

Prawntoast · 08/05/2013 13:52

YANBU! You have spent a lot of time trying to help them out and lent them money in the past. They are toxic, if they want to fall out with you because you refuse them money then I would wave them goodbye.

aldiwhore · 08/05/2013 13:59

DaisyFlower you have been a good friend, but unfortunately you've turned into a habit for them. You've done nothing wrong and I would say that actually, don't change, don't stop being generous with your time and money because that fills in the gaps with a person, it makes you feel good, and it's valid.

But don't be a mug, you've become one with this friend, so it's time to say "Sorry I just cannot free up that amount of cash".

You need to tell your friend that you've offered all the help you can, and they really need to accept that their outgoings and income isn't balanced.

They are not in debt due to need, but to greed, and because you are a good person you cannot surely be even thinking about enabling them to get further in debt? That's the attitude to have. Not so much that you need to 'be colder' but to now move one to the next phase of friendship, which is tough love.

I don't know what would have happened to us had our friend not lent us a LOT of money after DH had an accident and was off work for 2 years, but I do know what would have happened had we not used that money extremely carefully and not paid her back as soon as we could, she wouldn't be a friend anymore! Being a 'good person' is a one way street the first time you take it with someone, but after that it's a two way street, and if they still don't learn it's ROAD CLOSED. x

orangepudding · 08/05/2013 14:07

If you can't afford or want to gift that amount of money don't lend it.

YANBU to refuse.

FasterStronger · 08/05/2013 14:15

daisy why do they think they know what you can afford?

Zalen · 08/05/2013 14:16

YANBU, people who are bad with money won't change unless they want to change. If you lend them this money then what incentive do they have to change their ways, you might see the money back eventually but if £1K took 2 years I truly dread to think how long £5K would take.

Don't enter into any further discussion about it, "No" and move on.

MummytoMog · 08/05/2013 14:17

If you replaced 'friend' with 'my bloody family' then that would be my situation. I've had enough and can't afford to lend/give them any more money. I have two children of my own to support, and I really can't face funding other people's bad life choices any more. I feel like a shit about it, but I just can't do it. I've pissed away three grand plus in the last year, and none of the fuckers ever pay me back. It's not like I'm even helping them get back on an even keel, they just continually get themselves into more/worse debt.

Do not do it. DO NOT. You are not helping them.

WireCatWhore · 08/05/2013 14:17

Sorry, I've not read any replies, but do not lend them any money.

Piemother · 08/05/2013 14:31

That's awful! Yanbu and they sound like rubbish friends! Who emotionally blackmails a friend for money???

Stop trying to help them sort their finances too. This op reminded me so much of some study I did on transactional analysis about relationships need to be adult/adult not parent/child. They are encouraging you to parent them.
You have done more than enough to support them but they are adults - dont feel responsible. If their house is repossessed they have done that all by themselves. I am cross on your behalf!

ENormaSnob · 08/05/2013 15:53

I wouldn't lend them a fucking bean.

And I wouldn't class them as friends either. They sound horrible.

Kat101 · 08/05/2013 15:59

They are, quite frankly, thick stupid. They need the Citizens Advice Bureau, not 5k which they'll probably go to the Maldives on

They are no friends of yours. Even if you are multi millionaires, their crap money management is not your responsibility.

Pootles2010 · 08/05/2013 16:04

They are not your friends, they are taking advantage of you, playing you for a fool, and most likely laughing behind your back.

Please take a stand now, and tell them to get lost.

Kewcumber · 08/05/2013 16:06

So "give us money or we won't be your friends"?

Sounds a bit like extortion doesn't it!

schobe · 08/05/2013 16:07

Dump the freeloaders. Who would ask this of someone just weeks away from giving birth?

I personally would tell them, yes it certainly will affect our friendship as the friendship is now over.

schobe · 08/05/2013 16:07

Yes Kewcumber. This is how Tommy at school gets all the kids to play what he wants to play. But he's 4.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 08/05/2013 16:08

If it helps you can say to your "friend" as you did to us that you're going to need that money for when DC2 is born and you're on mat leave.

digerd · 08/05/2013 16:10

They are not only using you but abused you when you said NO.
They have no right to borrow money from you and have a cheek to even ask.

They are no friends of yours. You are better off without those people in your life.

LaurieFairyCake · 08/05/2013 16:15

They're just cocks who don't lodge

Grin
ExcuseTypos · 08/05/2013 16:16

Unfortunately they will never learn to cope financially as they know they have you to fall back on.

You need to say No. It might mean the end of your friendship but it will mean they have no option but to sort themselves out.

Also the fact they are putting pressure on you to lend them money, is horrible. They aren't very nice friends.

Triumphoveradversity · 08/05/2013 16:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Viviennemary · 08/05/2013 16:20

There is absolutely no question that you should not lend these spendthrifts a single penny. They sound like a pair of leeches. And you have been more than helpful and kind. Let them see how much sympathy they get from a bank. Honestly, some folk!!

Original poster
DaisyFlower123 · 08/05/2013 16:24

Hi Faster
Unfortunately and very stupidly when last discussing how they could save/ clear debt I used our finances as an example and said in xxx months we have managed to save xxx by doing this, that and another.
Very silly of me I know but I just didn't think! And lesson well learnt now!

OP posts:
LittleDirewolfBitJoffrey · 08/05/2013 16:29

YANBU!

They need to wise up to their situation and bailing them out will not help them. You need the money more and they have already broken trust by not repaying promptly the last time. Don't even get drawn into discussion about it. Say no until it sinks in.

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