We need a "proper" reality cooking show

[IsItMeOr]

Where you realise that the pan you need is dirty from the other day, DC want to "help" and/or the cbeebies programme they're watching runs out before you've finished.

And you haven't got all the ingredients.

Yeah and the oven conks out halfway through, you drop the meat you have in the house on the floor.

Someone hits someone else in the head and yells "Muuuuuum".

Work are on the phone wondering why you didn't do something that really needed doing...

The cat is under your feet bitching that there is no food in her bowl.

The washing machine is making a weird clunking sound.

And you school aged kid is asking you random math questions from the kitchen table.

I'm seeing a problem.

How are they going to do the voice-over bit? I mean, to be heard over the screeching and whining?

Has to be Dave Lamb.

Or possibly David Attenborough given the primal nature of attempting to get food on the table in our house.

And contestants are subjected to extreme sleep deprivation before taking part.

A quick-fire round where you have to come up with no less than 5 names / descriptions of the meal so that every person in the house thinks it's something they'll like.

You've all forgotten the Spoony Fucker DP just lurking, waiting to Spoony-fuck dinner into a squishy, lumpy horrid mess.

The non verbal two year old who takes you by the hand to lead you to whatever it is she's after, and screams like a banshee if you delay for even a second. She wants something every two minutes.

After you've chased the Spoony fucker out (lobbing their spoon after them) you discover that you didn't turn the potatoes on, and every thing else is nearly done.

Once you've served up The judges Hero Sized Portion, he looks at you and goes 'I'm not really that hungry...' Despite having told you three minutes ago he has 'two tapeworms to feed, love.'

Likewise you serve his Normal Person Portion after being informed 'no tapeworms today, love.' And he looks mournful and asks 'is that it?'

The toddler will scream and refuse to eat anything but French toast.

My kids eat a lot of cereal now I am back at work.

DS2 when asked what he wants for dinner will respond with 'Cereal' or 'Pasta' or 'Mite Toast' (vegemite).

Some nights he gets it, and I have a glass of wine for dinner and DH is left to forage when he gets in.

Bah - it really does just get all too bloody hard some days.

Or the gas runs out and the only shop that sells it is closed. Yes you Fantastic shop.

Oh I had forgotten the Spoony Fucker. Actually, wouldn't the SpoonyFucker be one of the judges, so the contestants wouldn't be allowed to beat them to death with the spoon?

I would love to have that bald bloke from masterchef in our kitchen at teatime. Just to see him break a sweat.
He could help me squint out of the corner of the window to work out if the wails from the barely visible trampoline were significant, whilst deciding which parts of the yellowing broccoli were still edible.
Then test Yr7 Spanish vocab with his head in the dishwasher trying to extract the peeler from the back-at-the-bottom where it has become stuck, simeltaneously giving clear stepwise instructions in what to do with my laptop to recover Club Penguin which has 'utterly crashed' while wondering what to take the chicken out of the oven with as two soft toys are in the hand sections of the ovengloves I belatedly notice are slung over the washing line.
And speak to MIL who ALWAYS PHONES AT THIS TIME FOR A LITTLE CHAT.
Then I could cut his roast dinner up into small pieces and not let him get down from the table until he had eaten enough vegetables to gain my approval.
More gravy anyone? One or two lumps?