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AIBU?

AIBU to start ttc despite being matron of honour next year?

66 replies

thecakeisalie · 07/05/2013 14:10

I posted a similar post on one of the other forums but still feeling slightly conflicted about it.

I'm going to be matron of honour for my cousin next May 31st which I'm looking forward to and appreciate the thought on her part. The problem is I'm desperately broody and can't imagine waiting all that time to start ttc our 3 dc. Considering she set the date a year ago I would feel a little selfish for causing problems over dresses if I'm pregnant or having a small baby as I will be expected to participate more than other weddings I've been to.

So aibu to start ttc but avoid trying over the months that would result in a May due date, meaning I could be fairly heavily pregnant or bf'ing a small baby at her wedding? Would you wait?

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Crinkle77 · 07/05/2013 15:44

The thing is surely a dress will need to be purchased. So how are they able to plan what dress to get and what size cos you may get pregnant, you may not, you don't know how far advanced you will be by the time of the wedding.

thecakeisalie · 07/05/2013 15:54

GiraffesAndButterflies - so no dramatic soap opera style labour then lol!

Lambzig - No age isn't an issue I'm 26 this year had my youngest when I was 22. Driving my dh insane with constant talk over babies might be an issue though! If I was against the biological clock there would be no stopping me but I guess being younger has made me consider waiting more as the perception is that we have plenty of time so why rush.

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thecakeisalie · 07/05/2013 15:58

Crinkle77 - I had been thinking that over alot and one of the reasons I was worried about causing trouble or upset. As I'm matron of honour and she knows I'm self conscious about my body she's said from the start I can choose my dress and I don't need to wear the same as the bridesmaids. I've been browsing online at dresses that I suspect I could fit a bump in even though they aren't maternity ones. I've also intended since she asked me to offer to pay for my own dress anyway as I know her budget is a little tight. So logically I can leave getting the dress until 3 months before choose it myself with her consent and pay for it knowing roughly what size I will be by the day.

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iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii · 07/05/2013 16:01

It wouldn't have even crossed my mind to wait.

thecakeisalie · 07/05/2013 16:02

MumnGran - I will offer to step down especially if I will be heavily pregnant, ultimately the choice is hers and I wouldn't be offended if she decided to ask someone else. Simmering issues are the worst kind, no one wants to say anything so it just ends in a build up of resentment.

I think that's part of the issue too is she hasn't had kids yet so the wedding is quite a big deal for her, by the time we got round to getting married we'd had our 2 boys and it all seemed fairly trivial - we just wanted the marriage. I understand its a big deal for her and I don't want to be the source of any bad feelings.

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Fairydogmother · 07/05/2013 16:03

The only small problem I could foresee was a dress choice and you've already thought of ways round that.

I get married next year and I'm pregnant now so hoping I fit in my flipping dress never mind my bridesmaids! The only thing I'd like would be for them to tell me as early as possible so I could sort things out. But I'd never expect them to stop their lives for my wedding. I do know a few bridezillas who would freak out tho

DontmindifIdo · 07/05/2013 16:09

OP - when we were trying TTC for a baby I unfortunately lost, I'd debated avoiding TTC April as it would give me a Christmas day due date - and DS arrived early at Christmas so 2 Christmas babies seemed a bit OTT.

DH (quite rightly) pointed out that at this point we'd been TTC for 3 months, and if we didn't for that month, then spent another year trying to get pregnant, I'd always wonder if that April had been the month it would have happened. (as it was I got pregnant the following month so an end of Jan due date, but lost the baby, now pregnant again!)

What I'm saying is, you cna now logically think "I'll avoid getting pregnant in July to avoid a May baby" but if you've been trying since now, you might find July hard to 'miss' if it then takes a while.

I wouldn't tell any family you are TTC, they don't need to know this baby was planned - so what if they think you are selfish? If she doesn't want a pregnant MOH or MOH with a newborn, you can offer to withdraw as her MOH once you announce you are pregnant, make it her choice. (and make sure hard work family knows you've given her the choice)

If you got pregnant now, you'd have a 3 month old DC by the time of the wedding, pretty much perfect, so with that in mind, you should open a bottle of something nice tonight and pounce on your DH before either of you change your mind...

thecakeisalie · 07/05/2013 16:29

DontmindifIdo - Firstly sorry for your loss. I know your right, stopping after ttc for 3 cycles would be hard and contraception wise I don't know what we'd do. As you say there would always be the 'what if' that was our month in my mind. I guess I'll see how we feel at the time. I know I conceived ds2 in July and he was born April 22nd and was 10 days overdue so even then I'd have a 5-6 week old baby. I'd figured I might avoid August,Sept and Oct cycles to avoid May due date or being v heavily pregnant.

I won't be telling family we are ttc as I doubt any of them would understand

Unfortunately I can't pounce on dh as he's working away this week but its not too much of a problem as I need my IUD out anyway then they'll be nowhere for him to hide lol!

This is why I posted this I needed the reassurance so I don't change my mind and choose a head over heart decision!

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TerraNotSoFirma · 07/05/2013 16:38

Babies win over weddings.
My MOH, best friend since we were 7, fell pregnant during the run up to the wedding, due date being 10 days before the wedding.
I moved the wedding date to 6 months later.

thecakeisalie · 07/05/2013 17:58

Wow that was nice of you TerraNotSoFirma but I can understand why if you've been friends for so long.

As you say babies over weddings I just hope the rest of the family see things that way. I certainly won't be suggesting we planned things though if asked out right I wouldn't lie.

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TSSDNCOP · 07/05/2013 18:26

I don't think you should defer your plans.

But you must level with the bride. I see lots that buy dresses a year in advance and then a BM won't fit in a dress, but hasn't even discussed things with the bride.

I would have had my MOH whatever her state of pregnancy, but I had her dress made to measure so she was happy too.

thecakeisalie · 07/05/2013 18:35

I'm pretty sure she has no plans to buy dresses just yet but I understand your point. The problem is I could level with her now and not fall pregnant until a month before the wedding for example, then its alot of worry for no gain.

I'm fairly sure she will talk to me before buying dresses (especially as she wouldn't know what size to buy as I've been losing weight) and as I said earlier on I won't be wearing the same dress as the other bridesmaids so she can buy theirs whenever and leave mine until nearer the day. So because I've been losing weight she already knows not to buy the dress just yet as I might be a different size by then. So if I don't get pregnant I will hopefully continue to lose weight and would still cause her problems with dresses. I'm a trouble maker what can I say!

I'm just getting seriously fed up of waiting. I could make excuses for not acting on the broody feeling before as our youngest is a handful (breath holding to the point of reflex seizures) but he's starting to mellow and gain more independent so now I just feel like I'm putting my life on hold for a day.

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OwlinaTree · 07/05/2013 18:36

Just be honest with the bride. I was the other side of this and was readily upset when my friend agreed to be my bridesmaid, then pulled out 2 months later as she was pregnant and would have just had a baby so didn't want to do it. I would have been happy for her to do it, and felt really upset she had lied. So just be upfront with her as much as you can.

Good luck!

OwlinaTree · 07/05/2013 18:37

Really not readily

NeitherShreddedNorSmug · 07/05/2013 18:42

Could you offer to play another role at the wedding? e.g. offer to do a reading instead?

Bowlersarm · 07/05/2013 18:43

Don't wait.

Unless you are about to/have just given birth you would hopefully be able to fulfil your obligations anyway.

(It could always be a 'happy accident' as far as your friend is concerned and who could begrudge you that.) honestly, OP your family is more important, and the timings would probably be fine.

ShadowStorm · 07/05/2013 18:53

I think you should go for it. Babies are more important.

I wouldn't tell her that you're TTC until you are actually pregnant, but I'd tell her early once you are pregnant.

One of my bridesmaids was 7 months pregnant at my wedding, and the dress wasn't a major issue. She needed a few extra fittings to make sure there was room for the bump and that the dress wasn't too big elsewhere.

And as far as buying bridesmaid dresses a year in advance goes, a bride could have problems with that even without an unexpected (to her) pregnancy - it's entirely possible that one of the bridesmaids could gain or lose lots of weight over the course of a year without getting pregnant.

thecakeisalie · 07/05/2013 19:42

Thank you everyone for your replies!

ShadowStorm - your right people could change shape or size even without a wedding as I say I had every intention of losing more weight before next year anyway so if did decide to buy now it would have meant another fitting or problems.

I will tell her early in the pregnancy so she's aware but I don't want to tell her were ttc mainly because I don't want my Mum to know yet either, plus I can't suggest a happy accident rather than out right planned lol!

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thecakeisalie · 07/05/2013 19:46

All I can say is I knew I needed to reconsider things when our cat had kittens a couple of weeks ago and I was broody and jealous lol!

I mean she had 5 at once so not that bit but just the thought of babies and giving birth was enough to set me off!

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AKissIsNotAContract · 07/05/2013 19:47

My best mate is pregnant and therefore can't be my brideslave. I'm overjoyed for her, babies trump weddings.

thecakeisalie · 07/05/2013 19:52

Brideslave sounds about right lol!

I think unless I was in labour or physically unable to get there I will be going regardless of pregnancy/bfing baby etc!

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Kittykatzen · 07/05/2013 20:24

I was my sister's matron of honour at 8 months pregnant. I wore a bridesmaid maternity dress that matched the other bridesmaid's fabric (Alfred Sung by Dessy - ordered at 20 weeks, adjusted to fit at 35 weeks or so). I had also considered deferring TTC for her wedding but decided not to, and even though it meant staying sober during her hen do (and managing fifteen drunken hens) it was lovely, we have some really nice pictures of us together with me in full bloom. I'd say go for it.

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Snugglepiggy · 07/05/2013 20:24

Absolutely do not put it off.Don't want to be a kill - joy but all sorts of other things can happen between now and then , and weddings do get called off.My niece has just got married and her wedding got postponed from original date last year because she - the bride to be - got pregnant.
Anyway I'm a bit old fashioned but also a bit bemused by how massive a deal the whole wedding thing is becoming.Seems the one big day has become more important than the marriage itself.Two of our relatives that are normally sane and sensible became bridezillas swept up in the whole planning and expense of it all,and everyone else was supposed to plan everything around what is essentially a special day for two people.

thecakeisalie · 08/05/2013 11:24

Quick update - I've decided that the general opinion was right and babies trump weddings so appt to have IUD removed is booked for Friday! I've got a huge sense of relief now I've got the appt booked. Just felt wrong to be holding out for someone else's wedding and I doubt it would be appreciated even if I had!

Thanks again for all the replies it really helped me realise what my actual feelings on the subject were and cement my decision!

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iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii · 08/05/2013 11:56

Great news, have a fun weekend.

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