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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's unfair that DH tries to dictate what I can watch on TV?

82 replies

YummyCalpol · 05/05/2013 23:11

DH and I like totally different tv programmes. He likes sport, fly on the wall police shows, action films, that kind of thing, and I guess I like female programmes; OBEM, America's Next Top Model, and shows like the Apprentice (I know, I know, don't judge me)

Every night DH has the remote control glued to his hand and every night we watch what he wants to watch. If there's anything I want to watch I have to either sky plus it and stay up late to watch when he's in bed, or wait until he's dozed off in the chair (and even then he sometimes gets arsey if I turn over).

Quite frequently he'll decide there's 'nothing on' and just put sport on. He never asks me if there's anything I would like to watch and if ever I say there's something i'd like to watch he gets huffy.

What's annoyed me now is that lately he's started imposing conditions about what I can and can't watch when he's asleep in the chair. We have spent all evening with his programmes on, he just dozed off and I asked for the remote control and he said 'it depends what you want on, you can't watch OBEM or any model type shows or reality shows'.

I got really cross and said that he has no right to impose conditions upon what I watch, and that he has more than his fair share of watching his own programmes, and that if I have to abide by viewing rules to suit him then the same must apply to him! As per usual when I raise anything I'm not happy with he just didn't even reply to me, just looked away and went back to sleep.

OP posts:
myroomisatip · 06/05/2013 04:47

My ex was like this and it got progressively worse.

He would even delete programmes recorded on Sky before I had had a chance to watch them and I was the one paying for Sky!

Like you I was afraid of upsetting him, hated bad atmospheres.

I think your DP is being abusive.

wildspinning · 06/05/2013 04:57

This is emotional abuse. If you head over to Relationships you'll find lots of very helpful advice from others who have been in this situation. Also, a really good book is Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. Your DH is a controlling and manipulative abuser Sad

Kiwiinkits · 06/05/2013 05:42

TV is very passe don't you know. Get an i-pad with MySky (or UK equivalent). Then take it off into your room and watch whatever you want on your own terms. Life is too short (and better technology is too prevalent) to argue over the TV.

Kiwiinkits · 06/05/2013 05:47

some bigger questions to ask yourself. Do you want to be a SAHM anymore? Do you think if you worked that respect would return? Do you respect yourself? Do you put yourself first sometimes? What are your goals-for YOURSELF - this year? What have you got to challenge you? What are you planning on doing to extend yourself?

I honestly think if this TV thing is becoming a big issue then perhaps getting out of the house more might be a solution. Learn a language? Join a swimming group or a choir or volunteer somewhere. Just get out of the house. You might find the love and respect comes back from him when you love and respect yourself.

This may be a massive extrapolation. If it is, I'm sorry. Just don't LTB for the sake of a disputes over who gets to watch what on the TV. Keep that in perspective.

maddening · 06/05/2013 06:19

Is the 14yr old his dc? As in you link it to starting when you becoming a sahm but if the 7year old is his first that is often a trigger for abuse to start and he sounds abusive - mentally and emotionally.

AllOverIt · 06/05/2013 06:28

This goes beyond the TV. There are more fundamental questions you need to be asking yourself. Do you want to be in this relationship any more? With a man who shows you such utter contempt?

You deserve better Sad

Branleuse · 06/05/2013 06:33

he considers you staff. not a partner

tumbletumble · 06/05/2013 06:34

He sounds awful. I'm a SAHM and I couldn't do it if I felt that my role in the family wasn't valued just as much as much as DH's. Your DH sounds like an arrogant twat.

ivanapoo · 06/05/2013 06:37

Buy a second tv and put it in the new house you're going to move into with your DC. If you need motivation think of the unhealthy relationship example you are setting them.

Interesting that it got worse when no 3 when to school I presume. Does he say things like "what do you DO all day?" too?

Xales · 06/05/2013 08:44

Seeing though he is in every evening watching TV get yourself some counselling sessions booked to work on your childhood and how it has affected you.

Get yourself onto some courses. Refresh/retrain for a job and make yourself less dependent.

Hercy · 06/05/2013 10:54

You can download a sky+ app which means you can change the channel from your iPad/phone.

Also download sky go and watch what you like.

Apileofballyhoo · 07/05/2013 11:51

Assuming he knows about your abusive childhood he should be the one going out of his way not to upset you by criticising you. Do you have anyone to confide in?

I was like you OP. You do not have to put up with this. Would you wish a partner like your DH for your DCs when they grow up? Ask him if he dislikes you so much why does he stay.

Callycat · 07/05/2013 17:26

Kiwi, I have no doubt that you meant well with your advice, but are you aware that your post implies that OP is in some way responsible for the way this man treats her? It is HIS attitude that needs examining, not hers.

OP, I have had a degree of experience of this. I know the walking-on-eggshells, being unable to predict what the next temper explosion will be triggered by. You've had sone excellent advice - I just want you to keep in mind, always, that his behaviour is not a reaction to anything you do - it comes from within him and only he can fix it.

OneToThree · 07/05/2013 18:11

My first ever LTB.

TheCraicDealer · 07/05/2013 18:23

If you're near me i'll collect him, the telly and the sky box and leave them somewhere remote.

LouiseSmith · 07/05/2013 18:37

I would personally leave him with his TV and find yourself a real man. Controlling is never a good sign.

Or toss the remote out the window.

x

DisappointedHorse · 07/05/2013 18:59

My first husband was like this, I couldn't do anything right and he was a controlling, selfish arse.

He would control what we watched, what we ate, what music we listened to (God forbid I bought a CD without his approval!) if he was tired then I had to go to bed too. One NYE he made us go to bed at 7pm jut to prove a point and stop me having any fun. If I ate something he didn't like (such as marmite on toast for breakfast) he'd shout at me in public about how my breath stank just to humiliate me.

I understand the walking on eggshells and wanting to keep the peace. I did see the light eventually and left the bastard. Oddly, he knew when I no longer gave a shit what he thought and had a total 180 degree attitude change. It was too late by then though.

The TV is the thin end of the wedge by the sound of it OP. While absolutely none of this is your fault, doing something to build your confidence a bit is not a bad idea. Consider counselling alone to work out what you want out of this. He doesn't hold all the cards, he just thinks he does.

Life doesn't have to be this way. If you could wave a magic wand, what would you choose?

Keep talking to us.

jollygoose · 07/05/2013 21:24

yummy I think you need some assertiveness training, hes taking the p... dont let him get away with it.

Undertone · 07/05/2013 22:03

LTB.

Find some happiness - where you can do and watch what you like!

somewhereaclockisticking · 07/05/2013 22:12

It sounds like he's used to making all the decision in your life and you do as you're told to keep the peace and because you don't want him or anyone else to be upset with you. It's not healthy at all and it gives someone the power over you to the point of being able to choose something as pathetic as what you can and can't watch on tv to more serious issues in your life. If you continue to give him this power he will use it. Unfortunately things won't change unless you stand up to him but will you do that or will you crumble if he threatens to leave you? I ask only because I have a friend in her 50's who lives like this. Her husbandtreats the relationship more like a father with a naughty child than husband and wife and she hates it and will get upset and moan to me about it but then refuses to stand up to him in case he ever leaves her because at the end of the day she needs him to be there for her and to make all her decisions for her. If that's what you need them things in your life will never change -he is controlling and that's not attractive in a partner but he may have entered into this relationship believing that's what you wanted and his only option would be to leave and find someone else who will allow him to control everything in their relationship.

pigletmania · 07/05/2013 22:56

My goodness yummy I would seriously start planning a life without this horrid man

sukysue · 07/05/2013 23:01

It's a man thing yanbu.

MrsTomHardy · 07/05/2013 23:02

My first LTB

Honestly you'll feel so relieved.
He sounds like a knob.

ZebraOwl · 07/05/2013 23:38

Oh YummyCalpol, I think him being an eejit about what TV gets watched is just the one strand of his unpleasant and - to be frank - emotionally abusive & incredibly controlling behaviour.

You sound as though you have a lot of self-awareness about how your past may be impacting on your present, which is good, because that kind of insight is what you need now. You can see now how dysfunctional and environment you grew up in & (I hope!) understand that what happened wasn't your fault or in any way okay. The same assessment is true of your situation now: it is not your fault your husband's doing this & it's seven sorts of certain it is utterly unacceptable. You deserve better - and your children do too. They will be picking up on what's going on & they shouldn't have to live with his behaviour either.

I think you need to seriously consider whether or not you want to try to salvage your relationship. Perhaps contact Women's Aid for information & advice to begin with. You do deserve better - and it doesn't matter I've never met you, no-one, but no-one deserves to be treated like this. So any nagging little voices saying you deserve this & it's your fault & he's not doing anything wrong (or whatever) can just do one.

Take care. And you know what, I don't care if hugs are a Mumsnet taboo, I am leaving you a little pile of the best sort of comforting-reassuring hugs here for you, just in case.

Kiwiinkits · 08/05/2013 08:45

CallyCat I believe we have to take some responsibility for ourselves and our lives. The OP and a lot of women, it seems to me, could benefit from realising that the things they do impact on the degree of respect they earn from others. Dickhead remote-stealing husbands included. I think demonstrating a bit of initiative (like sorting out an alternative mode of wAtching your shows, without relying on him to do it for you) and doing things that are interesting and out of the house in the evenings are ways to gain oneself back after those first years of looking after young children. Doing these things will expand your life, make it more interesting and simultaneously gain some respect back. Too many women assume that respect should be stable and automatic. It's not; it's dynamic and it depends on what you do to earn it. The first step is giving yourself permission to put yourself and your interests and goals first.