To think it's unfair that DH tries to dictate what I can watch on TV?

[YummyCalpol]

DH and I like totally different tv programmes. He likes sport, fly on the wall police shows, action films, that kind of thing, and I guess I like female programmes; OBEM, America's Next Top Model, and shows like the Apprentice (I know, I know, don't judge me)

Every night DH has the remote control glued to his hand and every night we watch what he wants to watch. If there's anything I want to watch I have to either sky plus it and stay up late to watch when he's in bed, or wait until he's dozed off in the chair (and even then he sometimes gets arsey if I turn over).

Quite frequently he'll decide there's 'nothing on' and just put sport on. He never asks me if there's anything I would like to watch and if ever I say there's something i'd like to watch he gets huffy.

What's annoyed me now is that lately he's started imposing conditions about what I can and can't watch when he's asleep in the chair. We have spent all evening with his programmes on, he just dozed off and I asked for the remote control and he said 'it depends what you want on, you can't watch OBEM or any model type shows or reality shows'.

I got really cross and said that he has no right to impose conditions upon what I watch, and that he has more than his fair share of watching his own programmes, and that if I have to abide by viewing rules to suit him then the same must apply to him! As per usual when I raise anything I'm not happy with he just didn't even reply to me, just looked away and went back to sleep.

[Zalen]

If your not so D H is behaving this way, and your youngest is three it sounds to me like it's time to start looking into ways back into the world of work. That may help to regain his respect (if the respect of this loser is worth regaining) more importantly it should help build up your self esteem and your independence.

I'm not going to say LTB, that's a decision only you can make but start to realise for yourself that this man's opinion means nothing, cease to care about him, it's not easy but if he carries on the way he's going he'll soon have killed all the love you once had for him (if he hasn't already) and that will make it easier.

You've put your life on hold to raise your children, now it's time to take back control, build yourself up to a position of strength, move your life forward and if he gets left behind in the dust then so much the better from what I can see.

[Twattybollocks]

What a twat. Next time he tries it, ask him who gave him the right to decide what's on the tv? In an equal partnership people negotiate. Eg if I wanted to watch obem but football was on and his team happened to be playing (not often on tv) then I'd probably sky plus obem and put the footie on. Vice versa if there was something he was moderately interested in watching and something on that I really wanted to watch, he would put that on, and if it's something he doesn't want to watch he would read a book, piss about on the iPad or go do some washing or something.
If he ever said to me that I couldnt watch something even whilst he was asleep in the chair, I would tell him to fuck off to the far side of fuck.

[AmazingBouncingFerret]

AF What is DTF? Drown the fucker?

YANBU OP.

You should buy yourself a nice new TV and leave him to it.

[LadyClariceCannockMonty]

He's a passive-aggressive tosser and the telly is the least of your worries.

Sorry, that sounds dismissive ? I mean the telly is one of many symptoms of his tosserdom.

I don't have any advice of my own but agree with Helltotheno above.

[TheVermiciousKnid]

It's not 'a man thing'. The majority of men are perfectly capable (and willing) to 'share' the TV.

It is, however, a controlling, selfish arse thing.

[Helltotheno]

OP do some or all of the following:

1. Get yourself a life. In other words, don't spend the next x years sitting on your fanny in front of the tv at night. If that's what he's doing, you could be out and about doing any number of more enjoyable things while he stays at home. Join a running, walking group; go to a class; meet some friends, etc.
   
2. Consider going back to work, even part-time. It's clear that you being a SAHM is not respected. That way, you can afford your own tv and, crucially, you can also develop a bit of financial independence for the eventuality that you kick this sorry loser's ass out.
   
3. Develop some general independence from him. Stop giving a damn about him empathising with you etc. It's clear that he's not going to. Detach somewhat.
   
   He is an arse. You should be setting the wheels in motion for getting him out of your life.

[mrsjay]

wow really ? he does this that is awful grab the remote tell him to bugger off and watch your programmes who friggingdied and made him boss,

[Kiwiinkits]

CallyCat I believe we have to take some responsibility for ourselves and our lives. The OP and a lot of women, it seems to me, could benefit from realising that the things they do impact on the degree of respect they earn from others. Dickhead remote-stealing husbands included. I think demonstrating a bit of initiative (like sorting out an alternative mode of wAtching your shows, without relying on him to do it for you) and doing things that are interesting and out of the house in the evenings are ways to gain oneself back after those first years of looking after young children. Doing these things will expand your life, make it more interesting and simultaneously gain some respect back. Too many women assume that respect should be stable and automatic. It's not; it's dynamic and it depends on what you do to earn it. The first step is giving yourself permission to put yourself and your interests and goals first.

[ZebraOwl]

Oh YummyCalpol, I think him being an eejit about what TV gets watched is just the one strand of his unpleasant and - to be frank - emotionally abusive & incredibly controlling behaviour.

You sound as though you have a lot of self-awareness about how your past may be impacting on your present, which is good, because that kind of insight is what you need now. You can see now how dysfunctional and environment you grew up in & (I hope!) understand that what happened wasn't your fault or in any way okay. The same assessment is true of your situation now: it is not your fault your husband's doing this & it's seven sorts of certain it is utterly unacceptable. You deserve better - and your children do too. They will be picking up on what's going on & they shouldn't have to live with his behaviour either.

I think you need to seriously consider whether or not you want to try to salvage your relationship. Perhaps contact Women's Aid for information & advice to begin with. You do deserve better - and it doesn't matter I've never met you, no-one, but no-one deserves to be treated like this. So any nagging little voices saying you deserve this & it's your fault & he's not doing anything wrong (or whatever) can just do one.

Take care. And you know what, I don't care if hugs are a Mumsnet taboo, I am leaving you a little pile of the best sort of comforting-reassuring hugs here for you, just in case.

[MrsTomHardy]

My first LTB

Honestly you'll feel so relieved.
He sounds like a knob.

[sukysue]

It's a man thing yanbu.

[pigletmania]

My goodness yummy I would seriously start planning a life without this horrid man

[somewhereaclockisticking]

It sounds like he's used to making all the decision in your life and you do as you're told to keep the peace and because you don't want him or anyone else to be upset with you. It's not healthy at all and it gives someone the power over you to the point of being able to choose something as pathetic as what you can and can't watch on tv to more serious issues in your life. If you continue to give him this power he will use it. Unfortunately things won't change unless you stand up to him but will you do that or will you crumble if he threatens to leave you? I ask only because I have a friend in her 50's who lives like this. Her husbandtreats the relationship more like a father with a naughty child than husband and wife and she hates it and will get upset and moan to me about it but then refuses to stand up to him in case he ever leaves her because at the end of the day she needs him to be there for her and to make all her decisions for her. If that's what you need them things in your life will never change -he is controlling and that's not attractive in a partner but he may have entered into this relationship believing that's what you wanted and his only option would be to leave and find someone else who will allow him to control everything in their relationship.

[Undertone]

LTB.

Find some happiness - where you can do and watch what you like!

[jollygoose]

yummy I think you need some assertiveness training, hes taking the p... dont let him get away with it.

[DisappointedHorse]

My first husband was like this, I couldn't do anything right and he was a controlling, selfish arse.

He would control what we watched, what we ate, what music we listened to (God forbid I bought a CD without his approval!) if he was tired then I had to go to bed too. One NYE he made us go to bed at 7pm jut to prove a point and stop me having any fun. If I ate something he didn't like (such as marmite on toast for breakfast) he'd shout at me in public about how my breath stank just to humiliate me.

I understand the walking on eggshells and wanting to keep the peace. I did see the light eventually and left the bastard. Oddly, he knew when I no longer gave a shit what he thought and had a total 180 degree attitude change. It was too late by then though.

The TV is the thin end of the wedge by the sound of it OP. While absolutely none of this is your fault, doing something to build your confidence a bit is not a bad idea. Consider counselling alone to work out what you want out of this. He doesn't hold all the cards, he just thinks he does.

Life doesn't have to be this way. If you could wave a magic wand, what would you choose?

Keep talking to us.

[LouiseSmith]

I would personally leave him with his TV and find yourself a real man. Controlling is never a good sign.

Or toss the remote out the window.

x

[TheCraicDealer]

If you're near me i'll collect him, the telly and the sky box and leave them somewhere remote.

[OneToThree]

My first ever LTB.

[Callycat]

Kiwi, I have no doubt that you meant well with your advice, but are you aware that your post implies that OP is in some way responsible for the way this man treats her? It is HIS attitude that needs examining, not hers.

OP, I have had a degree of experience of this. I know the walking-on-eggshells, being unable to predict what the next temper explosion will be triggered by. You've had sone excellent advice - I just want you to keep in mind, always, that his behaviour is not a reaction to anything you do - it comes from within him and only he can fix it.

[Apileofballyhoo]

Assuming he knows about your abusive childhood he should be the one going out of his way not to upset you by criticising you. Do you have anyone to confide in?

I was like you OP. You do not have to put up with this. Would you wish a partner like your DH for your DCs when they grow up? Ask him if he dislikes you so much why does he stay.

[Hercy]

You can download a sky+ app which means you can change the channel from your iPad/phone.

Also download sky go and watch what you like.

[Xales]

Seeing though he is in every evening watching TV get yourself some counselling sessions booked to work on your childhood and how it has affected you.

Get yourself onto some courses. Refresh/retrain for a job and make yourself less dependent.

[ivanapoo]

Buy a second tv and put it in the new house you're going to move into with your DC. If you need motivation think of the unhealthy relationship example you are setting them.

Interesting that it got worse when no 3 when to school I presume. Does he say things like "what do you DO all day?" too?

[tumbletumble]

He sounds awful. I'm a SAHM and I couldn't do it if I felt that my role in the family wasn't valued just as much as much as DH's. Your DH sounds like an arrogant twat.