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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To plan a very cheap wedding? Or should I just not get married at all?

52 replies

honeytea · 05/05/2013 18:34

I am not sure if my wedding plans are unreasonable or not. I think they are probably unreasonable and I don't want to cause offence so I feel like it is probably best not to get married at all.

Me and DP got engaged last year and plan to get married next summer, we have a ds who is 4.5 months and not a huge amount of spare money.

Both me and DP have huge families, if we invited just our parents and siblings (+kids) it would be close to 50 people. We live in DP's home country my family are in the UK, we would have the wedding in the country where we live now.

My plan is to hire the local barn, it is converted into a party location and it has seating for 200 people (along with plates, glasses etc) we would have the ceromony in the gardens of our apartment complex.

We were thinking of saying to the guests that instead of bringing a gift could they bring a dish of food, nothing fancy just a salad or a few muffins, we would buy some basic foods and basic alcohol. We wouldn't ask the UK guests to bring any food as they would have the aditional cost of travel/hotels.

We would make it clear that we would not be offended if our guests were unable to bring anything.

The other option would be to wait but my grandfather is well and able to travel now but he has an illness which makes it unlikely that he will be able to travel in 3-5 years time (the time it would realistically take for us to save up the money to have a wedding meal for the hoards entire family)

There are no legal reasons to get married, we live in a country where the majority of couples get married when their children are a little older.

I wouldn't be flouncing around in a 3 grand dress whilst eating food that our guests had provided everything would very much be done on a tight budget.

Is this a very rude idea?

OP posts:
Original poster
honeytea · 05/05/2013 19:20

I am glad that other people have had lovely non expensive weddings, good idea about the foodplan, 50 cheesecakes, just imagine!

I am one of 5 and dp is one of 4, siblings have on average 3 kids each + partners, also I have a combined family with step parents and also foster siblings so 40-50 is realistic.

Mrs lettuce those dresses are lovely! I fancy smething shortish (knee legnth rather than bum skimming) as I am short and round so long doesn't really suit me.

OP posts:
LynetteScavo · 05/05/2013 19:26

I think it sounds lovely....I would be honoured to be asked to bring food...although be prepared to have a list for when people ask what food.

I think having your grandfather there is more important that saving up to give friends a big do.

Original poster
honeytea · 05/05/2013 19:29

Maybe we could save up and have a big "all inclusive" party on the 10th aniversary :)

i'm feeling all excited about the plans now!

The cultural differences are not so much a problem I can just say "oh I am British this is normal in the uk" :)

OP posts:
theoldtrout01876 · 05/05/2013 19:39

I think its a great idea,infact its exactly what I did for my wedding.:o

I roasted a couple of turkeys and a huge pork joint the day before and everyone brought a dish of some kind. We had a huge variety of salads and sides and breads and people just carved themselves off a bit roast pork or turkey. We supplied beer and wine and if you wanted to drink anything else you brought your own. ( all the hard liquor ended up on a table and everyone helped themselves,that just evolved that way it was not planned )

we had the wedding in my yard,just rented a big tent and tables and chairs. Decorated with balloons and fairy lights,it looked really lovely. The guests showed up in jeans an flip flops or whatever they wanted,there were kids running wild everywhere :o It was great,so relaxed and fun.

Everyone told me it was one of the best weddings they have ever been too. It cost less than $1000 and we had about 50 people. Most of the cost was the tent

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 05/05/2013 19:42

It sounds like an absolutely lovely wedding, honeytea, and I would love to be invited to a wedding like that - it would be a chance to make something really special to contribute to the feast.

Original poster
honeytea · 05/05/2013 19:46

theoldtrout that sounds like a perfect wedding! Fairy lights is a fab idea, must bulk buy after christmas :)

Thank you all so much for making me feel ok about doing it this way.

I have made a thread about planning a cheap wedding, feel free to pop over with any tips if you have time Flowers

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/parties_celebrations/1748738-Tips-for-a-cheap-wedding

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 05/05/2013 19:47

Sounds FAB!

marriedinwhiteagain · 05/05/2013 19:48

The marriage is the imortant bit not the party. Those who want to celebrate the marriage and their love and your love will have a lovely time. Enjoy.

claudedebussy · 05/05/2013 19:51

i think this is a lovely idea and i would be more than happy to contribute food and booze.

i think you might need to think up a plan / list of food people could contribute otherwise you might end up with 73 quiches and no salads.

i would be emailing you to ask what you needed. better if you're prepared.

go for it NOW, have your gf there. nobody cares about fancy schmancy. they'll enjoy the day anyway. have a massive party at 10 years or whenever you're flush.

exoticfruits · 05/05/2013 19:53

Sounds a great idea to me.

claudedebussy · 05/05/2013 19:55

the best ever wedding i ever went to (apart from my own) was one where everyone brought their own picnics.

chirpchirp · 05/05/2013 19:56

One of the most memorable and best weddings I've ever been to was just as you've described. They had an outdoor wedding in the middle of summer and asked guests to bring a plate of food, a bottle and a blanket and we had a massive picnic in the sunshine and let all the kids run around and enjoy themselves.

I think as long as your invitation explains clearly the kind of event it's going to be it will be a wonderful day. Weddings don't have to cost a fortune and the people who really love you will just be glad to share your special day.

Catmint · 05/05/2013 20:01

I think that sounds delightful!

Finola1step · 05/05/2013 20:17

I think it sounds lovely. I do understand the wanting to get married at a time when your grandparents can hopefully attend. When DH and I got married after being together for many years, his Grandpa and my Nan were able to come. They have both passed now but we have lovely memories of them with us on our day. Go for it.

galwaygirl · 05/05/2013 20:28

Haven't read all the replies but I know I'm in the same country as you and I think this would go down fine here. When BIL got married they told people to being money to pay for drinks they were providing (they hired a van and drove to Germany and stocked up) and included their account details in the wedding info and asked for money as a present (which is still pretty rude here as far as I know). I think asking people to bring food as their gift should in no way offend! People can bring as much or as little as they like and I think people would be happy to do something useful and feel part of the whole thing.
Enjoy the planning x

DeskPlanner · 05/05/2013 20:28

I've never been to a wedding like this, but would absolutely love to. It's so much more personal and memorable than the dozens of formal impersonal weddings that take place every day. Good luck and come back and let us know how it goes.

BettyandDon · 05/05/2013 20:45

IME you can't really do it cheaply unless friends gift you their services or skills (think dressmaker, cake baker, photographer) and pay for their own food and drinks either with cash or by bringing it. You will need a very cheap venue and cheap food those are the biggest costs.

My local registrar charged nearly £500 just to do the service. There are a lot of hidden costs like stamps on the invites. It's amazing how it adds up.

If I didn't want to spend a lot I would just go to a registry office with 3 randoms.

jojane · 05/05/2013 21:31

We had a wedding for 50 people. Hired some holiday cottages for us and family/friends that weren't local. Got married in registry office (lovely converted mansion house) then back to the meadow attached to cottages for a big BBQ. I did all the food/cake myself. People brought alcohol although we provided some ourselves. Cost was about £2000 all in and people still say it was the nicest wedding they've been to (although might just be being nice!)

dearcathyandclare · 05/05/2013 21:41

I think it sounds absolutely charming and a day that everyone will remember fondly as the guests will have invested in it too. Perhaps you can divide up food requests into sweet and savoury and suggest everyone brings a bottle, with perhaps you providing soft drinks and the toast. Lovely to focus on the marriage rather than the wedding. Congratulations!

NoSquirrels · 05/05/2013 21:44

Sound properly lovely, and I can't think of anyone I know who would be in the slightest bit offended by it.

Just word your invites to say something along the lines of we'd be delighted if as a wedding gift to us you'd come along and bring a dish of food and a bottle to the meal to celebrate.

I think if you can make sure you have some protein or 'showy' dishes sorted (whole salmon, BBQ, roast meat joints, whatever, and then some potatoes/bread/cheese/green salad then you'll have a basic meal covered and the rest will be a wonderful surprise. I reckon you'll be inundated with people offering fabulous things.

quoteunquote · 05/05/2013 22:01

When Quakers get married everyone brings a dish of food(their best recipe), and the couple get married at the meeting house and then everyone eats a massive potluck meal(always amazing), usually followed by a ceilidh (well all the ones I've been to have had a ceilidh, and I have been to a lot).

All the best weddings that I have been to are like this, friends and families trying to outdo each other with cakes,pies, and exotic salads.

we have a very sweet village hall which lots of people hire (£60 for the day) to do just this.

greenformica · 05/05/2013 22:21

I love the idea of a bring and share wedding meal. like 'as your wedding gift please bring your favorite food dish and a bottle of wine'

Also ask specific friends/family members to make a cake/buy a dress/arrange wedding flowers/drive you to the barn as a wedding gift.

Also get a bunch of mates to dress the barn the day before. Great fun with some cheap fizz to celebrate and say thankyou

CocacolaMum · 05/05/2013 22:22

This is how weddings are SUPPOSED TO BE!

A wedding is about the coming together of families and a celebration within a community of love and unity. I think your ideas reflect a mature and VERY reasonable approach to what is wrongly imo a commercial nightmare these days. I wish you well in your marriage :)

YA SO NBU

LaGuardia · 05/05/2013 22:23

We went to a wedding like this last year and it was great. The couple are having a party in their garden to celebrate their 1st anniversary and we are all taking food again.

Arisbottle · 05/05/2013 22:27

I agree that this is exactly what a wedding should be. Ours just cost the church fees, I didn't even have a wedding dress, just popped on a dress I liked. Went to the pub for a drink after and back to ours for a bit of food.