To never speak to my family ever again?

[squeegee]

Longtime user, new name. This will be long, and I'm still mad as hell so I apologise in advance if it's a bit all over the place.

Today is my fathers birthday and the whole family got together for lunch at my sisters house - DH, me, our DC (DTS5, DD1(3), DD2(9mths) and DH nephew (4), whom we have custody of) Stepmother, who has been around for ever and is like blood, her mother and sister, Dbro, Dsis, their partners and children and of course dad.

Everything is going well, everybody is enjoying themselves when Stepmum asks Dh and I if we would do a supermarket run. I was nervous about leaving DS2 as he has recently been diagnosed with selective mutism and will not speak to almost anybody outside our immediate family, but knowing that he does speak a tiny amount to DF and DS1 is more than happy to speak in his place to other people we leave him with my family.

Worst idea ever.

Dsis is one of those people who can't keep their mouths shut on any subject they have an opinion on and must shout it to the world. Despite having SM explained to her multiple times, maintains her belief that DS1 is rude and manipulative and in need of a good smack.

From what I've pieced together from Dbro and DTS, DS2 was thirsty so DS1 asked DSis, being her house, if they could have something to drink. DSIS tells DS1 that he can have a drink but that if DS2 wanted one he would need to stop being rude and ask her himself. DS1 tells DSis that he can't ask her and asks again if they can both have something to drink. DSis marches into the kitchen gives DS1 a drink and tells her to go play with her DS as DS2 was in time out for being rude and would have to sit next to her into he apologised.

DH and I get back about ten minutes after this, to find Dsis and Step aunt( who is a exact copy of Dsis and they feed off one another) in the kitchen with DS2, who is completely hysterical. I went and picked up DS and asked sis what happened and she said that DS was misbehaving, being a stuck up brat, refusing to speak to her or her DC, hurting their feelings as they heard him talk to my DC but not them ect.
I, as patiently as I could given the situation, once again explained to them what selective mutism is and how DS physically cannot speak to her DC.
By this stage step aunt had knelt down to DS level, put a hand on his shoulder and said 'You're just a selective asshole" right to him
I was so mad I could of punched her, and would of if the entire family, including both our DC, wasn't listening by now.

Instead I just wished my DF a happy birthday and Dh and I started to pack the kids into the car. This is when Step mum and her mother come out and start going on about how it isn't fair to make the other DC leave because DS1 was misbehaving, ignoring how by now they are ALL upset and crying, and how we needed to teach him manners as it was rude to have DS1 ask for things for him and not to thank his host.Blah. Than they said something about my parenting skills, and in a not so proud and graceful moment I told them to fuck off and look at their own parenting skills before judging mine as it was their grown daughters picking on young children constantly ( They have form for picking on my nephew for stupid, petty and sometimes mean reasons. God knows why as he is as kind,humble and polite as a 4 year old can get)

And then to top off the afternoon, while driving home DF calls me up to scold me for speaking to my stepmother like that when all she was trying to do was help. Yeah, strange way of helping.

All my children are still upset about the situation, DTS are still sobbing (DS1 is a sympathy crier) and I still just want to punch my sister and aunt in the face.

So given the situation, WIBU to never ever speak to my family again? What should I do from here.

[MrsMangoBiscuit]

Blimey, I also want to punch your aunt after hearing that! What a vile, vile woman! Of course YANBU. Not at all surprised that you want nothing more to do with them after that. Who in their right mind verbally abuses a 5yo child!?! And the rest of your family taking her side and scolding you is disgusting, cowardly behaviour.

Also just wanted to add, well done you for handling it so well. Telling them to fuck off is the least you could have done, I doubt I could have stopped from ripping them all a new one.

[quoteunquote]

Send your dad a email with the links, and an unemotional account of what happened,

tell him he is welcome to visit your home on his own,

and don't have anything to do with those vile bullies who pick on small children who can't talk back,

They choose to be ignorant, it's easy to get the relevant information(I bet they have) if they want to, they don't want to, because they want to be abusive,

being a stuck up brat,

They resent you, your son is easy to have a go at, by pretending they have no concept of selective mutism, they will have looked it up, they are pretending, which makes them very vile.

I would never let these people anywhere near my child again, it's not fair on the child, it's totally terrifying when adults bully you when you are a child.

I would tell him he never has to see them again, so he can stop worrying about them.

I wonder what else has been said to your children when your back was turned,

if you can have a gentle chat with them when it all calm, go for a nice walk, and ask if anything else has been said, ask if there has been any other mean things.

I suspect you have had blinkers on as to how they regard you, at least you now know, very sad to lose your family like this, but they clearly are a danger to your children, so I would cut them, and just let your dad know you are happy to see him solo, but I wouldn't let them near your children ever again.

I admire your ability not to kill step aunt, very impressive.

[Fairydogmother]

Families should be protecting the children and nurturing them so they can feel completely at ease and safe. Not attacking them.

I'm still utterly gobsmacked at what they did

[mumandboys123]

let's turn it around a bit...supposing your son had been deliberately rude, refused to speak to them, refused to say please and thank you in your absence...would that behaviour have justified an adult calling a 5 year old to his face an arsehole?

Your relationship with this woman and family is well and truly over in my opinion. I don't see how you can go back - your son will struggle to be in her company even if you are there holding his hand. You may be able to salvage something with your dad - but much will depend on whether he feels compelled to 'take sides' or whether he reads up a bit on selective mutism and begins to understand that the adult behaviour in this situation was not acceptable. He will also need to challenge this wife - not something everyone is prepared to do.

Personally, I would withdraw and wait for them to make the first move. Whatever that first move might be, I would sit on it for a couple of days before re-acting.

Hugs to you and your family. You must feel dreadful.

[claudedebussy]

yanbu

[pointythings]

tethers why wait - I'd cut contact now.

And OP - YASNBU. You and your family deserve better than this toxic lot of arseholes. Cut contact and be the warm, safe family unit you all deserve.

[amothersplaceisinthewrong]

I am utterly gobsmaced that your step aunt called a five year old an ass hole!!!!!

I would not blame you for never speaking to them again.

[Spikeytree]

YANBU, cut them off. My DNiece is still selectively mute but at the age of 17 is improving all the time. She only speaks when she feels secure so she will speak around close family on our side, but not her Dad's side as she doesn't see them often and tbh they aren't that nice.

Speaking to your DS like that is going to make it less likely that he will speak in front of them. Unfortunately they won't be the last people you will encounter who believe that shouting at a child with SM will solve the problem. Your DS can't speak up for himself right now, so you did the right thing and should take comfort from the fact that you did what you needed to do to protect your son. Please don't expose him to them unless you can guarantee that it won't happen again. I would also expect them to apologise to your DS.

[TigerSwallowTail]

these are for you for somehow finding the willpower to have not hit anyone. I can't believe these were adults speaking this way, yanbu to never speak to them again, not unreasonable in the slightest!

[Vatta]

Quoteunquote makes a good point about reassuring your DCs - I think it would totally be worth reassuring your DCs and DN that they dont have to see these people again.

[MakingAnotherList]

My DD has selective mutism. Fortunately my parents have been incredibly understanding. She talks to my family now. My husband's family weren't interested in trying to understand so she's never spoken to them. We don't see them now for other reasons, but if they had ever been the slightest bit cruel I would have stopped inflicting their behaviour on my daughter.
If it was me in your position I would allow my daughter to decide whether she wanted to see any of them again.
I would promise her that I would never leave her alone with them again. I would also apologise for putting her in that position.
I am not blaming you at all, I'm really not, but I think that your son needs to know that he can trust you.
My actions now would be much more about making my daughter feel secure. The family would have to apologise and show that they had tried to educate themselves before I even considered having contact again. As I said though, even if I forgave my family I would let my DD decide on further contact.

Good luck in the future. SM is a difficult thing to treat. 3 years after diagnosis my DD is talking to friends at school but no teachers. A couple of TAs have managed to get her talking which is encouraging.

[foslady]

Sat here stunned.

YANBU. At all.

Could join the children crying.

Will join the queue to punch the Step Aunt and 'd'Sis

[cocolepew]

Vile, vile people.
Tethers I wouldn't bother waiting.

[Moominsarehippos]

I'll hold your coat, the rest will pin her down and can I suggest farting in her face?

Cut them out and let them know exactly why. They are heartless and ignorant. Anyone swearing at my child (who is loud enough to defend himself) would have my foot jammed so far up their jacksy, they would taste leather.

[toffeelolly]

YANBU. What horrible people, your poor child. I would not ever want anything to do with them again.

[MyShoofly]

abusive assholes....you'd not be unreasonable to cut most of them off altogether. you need to protect your children from such behaviour.

How sad for you poor nephew - nobody to stand up for him...he's stuck

[Dawndonna]

I think you are a better person than I. I honestly don't know if 'selective asshole' would have resulted in physical violence, had it been me. I suspect it would. Walk away, for the sake of your children as well as your own sanity.

[BegoniaBampot]

I wouldn't be apologising and I think you let them off lightly. I wonder if they concocted the trip to the supermarket so they could tackle your child without you there. Might seem farfetched but they do sound manipulative and vile. Also wonder if they were drinking.

[TigerSwallowTail]

myshoo he has the OP and her dh to stick up for him .

[MissLurkalot]

I have no experience I'm afraid, but I just wanted to say how upset I feel on your behalf after reading your post

I'm utterly horrified at how these adults treated your little boy. I can't believe they would gang up and speak to him like that.

Cut contact completely.

Concentrate on your loving children, and do not let those individuals near your children again.

I honestly would not contact anyone. You have explained yourself a million times about your son's condition, you do not have to do it again.
All of the family are guilty I feel, as no one stepped in to protect your boy.

Your father has proved already, by his text, that he is not going to listen to sense.

Do not waste your breath on them anymore.

Protect your children. Like someone said earlier, re assure your babies that they do not have to see those people again.

[AitchTwoOhOneTwo]

i'm generally quite a conciliatory type but they would get no apology from me.

[redexpat]

Well done you for speaking up. I wouldn't see them again, unless they apologised which I don't think is going to happen.

[AnnieLobeseder]

You showed remarkable restraint. I'd have let that vile woman know exactly what I though of her right then and there, and at considerable volume.

I would also cut them all out of my children's lives pending a very enthusiastic and heart-felt apology.

Who the Actual Fuck calls a 5yo an arsehole just for not talking?!?!

[cornypringle]

that's awful you must be so angry with them OP. Well done for being so restrained.
They are utter cunts and not worthy of a relationship with your family.