To never speak to my family ever again?

[squeegee]

Longtime user, new name. This will be long, and I'm still mad as hell so I apologise in advance if it's a bit all over the place.

Today is my fathers birthday and the whole family got together for lunch at my sisters house - DH, me, our DC (DTS5, DD1(3), DD2(9mths) and DH nephew (4), whom we have custody of) Stepmother, who has been around for ever and is like blood, her mother and sister, Dbro, Dsis, their partners and children and of course dad.

Everything is going well, everybody is enjoying themselves when Stepmum asks Dh and I if we would do a supermarket run. I was nervous about leaving DS2 as he has recently been diagnosed with selective mutism and will not speak to almost anybody outside our immediate family, but knowing that he does speak a tiny amount to DF and DS1 is more than happy to speak in his place to other people we leave him with my family.

Worst idea ever.

Dsis is one of those people who can't keep their mouths shut on any subject they have an opinion on and must shout it to the world. Despite having SM explained to her multiple times, maintains her belief that DS1 is rude and manipulative and in need of a good smack.

From what I've pieced together from Dbro and DTS, DS2 was thirsty so DS1 asked DSis, being her house, if they could have something to drink. DSIS tells DS1 that he can have a drink but that if DS2 wanted one he would need to stop being rude and ask her himself. DS1 tells DSis that he can't ask her and asks again if they can both have something to drink. DSis marches into the kitchen gives DS1 a drink and tells her to go play with her DS as DS2 was in time out for being rude and would have to sit next to her into he apologised.

DH and I get back about ten minutes after this, to find Dsis and Step aunt( who is a exact copy of Dsis and they feed off one another) in the kitchen with DS2, who is completely hysterical. I went and picked up DS and asked sis what happened and she said that DS was misbehaving, being a stuck up brat, refusing to speak to her or her DC, hurting their feelings as they heard him talk to my DC but not them ect.
I, as patiently as I could given the situation, once again explained to them what selective mutism is and how DS physically cannot speak to her DC.
By this stage step aunt had knelt down to DS level, put a hand on his shoulder and said 'You're just a selective asshole" right to him
I was so mad I could of punched her, and would of if the entire family, including both our DC, wasn't listening by now.

Instead I just wished my DF a happy birthday and Dh and I started to pack the kids into the car. This is when Step mum and her mother come out and start going on about how it isn't fair to make the other DC leave because DS1 was misbehaving, ignoring how by now they are ALL upset and crying, and how we needed to teach him manners as it was rude to have DS1 ask for things for him and not to thank his host.Blah. Than they said something about my parenting skills, and in a not so proud and graceful moment I told them to fuck off and look at their own parenting skills before judging mine as it was their grown daughters picking on young children constantly ( They have form for picking on my nephew for stupid, petty and sometimes mean reasons. God knows why as he is as kind,humble and polite as a 4 year old can get)

And then to top off the afternoon, while driving home DF calls me up to scold me for speaking to my stepmother like that when all she was trying to do was help. Yeah, strange way of helping.

All my children are still upset about the situation, DTS are still sobbing (DS1 is a sympathy crier) and I still just want to punch my sister and aunt in the face.

So given the situation, WIBU to never ever speak to my family again? What should I do from here.

[bigkidsdidit]

I would send an unemotional email to your dad, inviting him over if he wants but saying you will not see the others again, and explaining why. They sound so cruel :(

[Khaleese]

A mothers primary job is to protect her children.
I loath name calling my dh's family do it. ( mild compared to yours) I force them to apologies and make a big deal out of how name calling is abusive.

Cut them out. Explain why to your children. They should understand you all stand together, your a family.

[squalorvictoria]

I also wonder whether sending you out to the supermarket was a ploy as well. They probably figured they could get the little boy talking and triumphantly announce that this selective mutism business is a load of nonsense and you're all making a fuss over nothing.

[Scruffey]

I nearly dropped my iPad at the selective asshole comment.

Personally I would spend all time available today making sure your kids are ok. You can decide what to do about the loony family another day.

[EduCated]

Yes, was there any particular reason why it had to be you and your DH who did the supermarket run?

[AdmiralData]

Wtaf?? YANBU. A thousand times over YANBU. I am in a situation myself where an adult is not treating a kid properly, that is disgraceful! I am so sorry that your DF hasn't had the sense to tell his missus 'Hang on a minute'.

Well done for not smacking the bitch.

Toxic people that you don't need in your life.
Please do not apologise to them!

[sparklekitty]

Appalling behaviour from your sis etc.

My best friend as a kid was a selective mute, I didn't really understand it at the time but she had a way of communicating to yes/no questions by putting up her hand. She'd often be over at ours and chose quite a lengthy process of do you want...? her dinner, drinks etc.

She could never ask for anything, like a drink etc as for the first 2 years of our friendship she wouldnt talk to me really then after that she'd only speak to me if no one else was around, my mum used to just make sure she asked regularly if she wanted a drink, something to eat etc. The less of a big deal was made of it the happier she felt. After a few years she'd sit at the dinner table with our family and happily chat away.

Could you print out info about selective mutism and post it to them? Could you DS have some sort of signal that he could use? I guess having a sibling to ask is just as good really.

For what it's worth, I probably wouldn't see them again until they agreed to be respectful to DS. Poor little guy.

[kungfupannda]

I would send them a brief message congratulating them on their efforts to get your DS2 talking to them, and pointing out that it's worked so well that the entire family is now choosing not to talk to any of them.

[essexmumma]

YANBU at all! Family really can be some of the most poisonous people.

I like kungfu's above suggestion too!

[EduCated]

This is making me angrier the more I think about it. What utter cunts.

As someone said upthread, even if it was rudeness/general shyness as opposed to a fully recognised condition, calling a 5 year old child an asshole is beyond vile.

[OrangeFootedScrubfowl]

As I read the first post my chest was getting tight with fury, I can't imagine how you felt going through it. I would only contact them again if I got an apology. How awful for you all.

Tethers, I really feel for you too. :(

[CatelynStark]

My youngest child has always has great difficulty in talking to people outside our immediate family, to the extent that she couldn't speak to teachers from Nursery to about year 4. She still can't speak to her father on the phone (who she barely knows as he's been out of our lives for 10 years).

She's now 11 and is gaining in confidence and actually managed to tell the waitress her order in a restaurant today :)

I never really thought of it as a big deal tbh so wasn't worried, just accepted it as part of her character. She's loud as anything at home!

However, if anyone had merely made her feel uncomfortable about her 'shyness', I would have done exactly the same as you, OP!!

What a shower of terrible cunts!!

They'd never see us again!

I hope you can resolve things with your dad, if he's not aware of the full facts.

[WinkyWinkola]

I just wouldn't bother at all ever again.

You don't have to explain your DS and his SM to anyone. You've told them what he has, you've explained it already and that's all you need to do.

Selective arsehole? I'm afraid I would have put my hands on her shoulders and told her that she is a TOTAL arsehole and if she ever touched or bullies my children again she will have me to answer to.

Awful and wilfully ignorant people. Sack them all.

[DontmindifIdo]

She called a 5 year old an asshole to his face? Remind your dad of this, say he and he alone is welcome in your home, the rest are not, and you will only visit if you are certain step Aunt and others will not be there. That no matter what the child had or had not done, you know that StepAunt said that to your DS's face, and if your father can think in anyway that behaviour is acceptable, you'll consider cutting him out too.

Your DS doesn't need these people in his life, they'll just make his problems worse, not better. You might miss some of them, I am certain your DCs won't.

[BerthaTheBogCleaner]

What kungfupannda said.

And then refuse to engage. Don't discuss it, get caller id, block their emails. (I have an email filter set up so any emails from my family that don't contain the word "sorry" get deleted).

You don't need to explain what you want from them - if they have a change of heart and realise why their behaviour was so bad, they'll be in touch with apologies. If not, you don't want to see them.

And I think your stepmom and DF are just as bad. They watched what happened, thought it was ok, and blamed you for protecting your child.

[hackmum]

I remember a couple of times in my childhood being so upset or frightened that I literally couldn't speak even though I wanted to (a particular occasion was a teacher shouting at me for some completely trivial reason). I imagine that is what selective mutism is like. Maya Angelou in I know why the caged bird sing has an account of stopping speaking after she's been raped, so that must be the same kind of thing.

You are right to be upset, OP, and right not to see these people again. Why would you want to mix with people who are so horrible? Why would you want your children having anything to do with them?

[Inertia]

It sounds suspiciously like they engineered this situation on purpose so that they could 'prove ' that DS was badly behaved - who asks both parental visitors to do a supermarket run, leaving the children, at a party ?

Of course YANBU. What a horrible thing to say to a child.

It's very touching that DS1 is happy to help his sibling - that's something to treasure, even if his adult relatives have not managed the same level of compassion and maturity.

[tasmaniandevilchaser]

I feel SO angry on your behalf, your poor DS. You cannot expose him to those foul, vicious, ignorant people again. I wouldn't think twice about cutting them out of your life, your DS needs to know he is safe from that kind of abuse.

Tethers, like others have said, why wait?! Ignoring your DD?!?! Wtaf?

[maddening]

send your df a link to this thread! He might get a better picture of what happened - or write a letter - it is important he doesn't only get one side of the story and you won't get the whole thing out in person or on the phone.

I would not blame you for not contacting them again - it would take a very good and extremely sincere apology to start to turn things around.

if you do contact and explain the situation to your father ensure that you also point out that what these women have done may have worsened this issue and they are responsible for that.

[sallysparrow157]

When I was 11 I was a lunch monitor and one of the little 4 yr olds was selectively mute. Obviously I didn't know what it was at that age but even then, as a primary school kid, never pushed her to talk and deliberately asked yes or no questions as she was able to nod and shake her head. Se said one word to me that whole year and it meant so much to me that she trusted me that I still remember that word over 20 years later. If I as a primary school child was able to grasp that it wasn't bad behaviour or stubbornness, what the hell is wrong with these adults?

By the way, when that little girl was 11 or 12 she was the narrator for the school play, standing on the stage speaking beautifully in front of an assembly hall full of parents

[YellowDinosaur]

Fucking bullying cunts

The selective arsehole comment had me wanting to punch that bitch so I think you showed considerable restraint. I'm with those who have suggesting writing an account of what happened to your Dad to explain why you are having nothing to do with any of them ever again. Hopefully your relationship with him can be saved but honestly if he supports what they did I'd have no qualms about cutting him out too.

[LiveItUp]

Asking that both you and your DH go out for a supermarket run sound like they engineered the whole thing too. If you're having a get together, who asks a couple to go out like that, leaving all their young DC's?

Definitely cut them out.

[greenformica]

text your DAD and Sis. Say that calling your son a selective arse-hole is unacceptable and that SIL showed no understanding of your sons condition by dealing so heavy handed with it. Also MIL was not supporting you, only attacking you - after which you FIL then had a go at me.

[cumfy]

Do they want DF's money ?

[Morloth]

I would be done with them.

You did astonishingly well to nit get physical.

They all get one text/email saying you do not wish to speak with/contact them again and then remove them from your lives.

No one speaks to my kids like that. Ever.