For not wanting to be judged by my MIL for leaving my baby to cry?

[roses2]

Me and DH are living with his parents at the moment and we have a 4 month old DS.

I have my DS on a feeding schedule which works well. He is gaining weight steadily and seems happy in between feeds.

I like to have DS sit in his push chair with us at the dinner table while we eat so he can socialise with us. He cries quite often wanting to be picked up, more so when MIL is there because he knows she will pick him up. He doesn't cry when it's just me and DH because he knows we won't pick him up.

Me and DH know the difference between when he is hungry, wanting attention, tired etc.

Last week, DS was crying at the table. MIL got upset and told me if I was going to leave him to cry then put him in the other room. So now I put him in front of the tv while we eat. He cries for a few minutes then stops.

Last night he was crying a lot in front of the tv. Then MIL went into a rant by telling he is crying because he is in pain or hungry because babies don't cry for no reason and I should top him up with a bottle because I don't have enough milk (not true at all, I can still squirt milk out my boob when he takes himself off). As soon as I went to pick him up, he stopped crying which I think proves my point he just wanted attention.

I'm really upset with her as no matter what I do, I just can't seem to win. I try to eat with him at the table but he cries and she doesn't like it. I put him in the other room, he cries and she doesn't like it.

I was so upset last night I spent the whole night crying. DH supports me fully and told her off. All I want is to eat my dinner without having to shove it down my throat to attend to DS because she gets upset when he cries.

Not really sure what I'm looking for here but just wanted to have a rant.

It's our first row, normally we get on better than me and my own mum.

[BuntyCollocks]

Ps - I took dd to a v fancy restaurant 3 weeks ago. She needed fed, so I fed her, at the table, eating my steak which my friend kindly cut for me as I needed it - you can do amazing things one handed if you need to!

[ll31]

Yabu, it's v possible to eat while holding baby.. Your mil is probably v upset at hearing him cry. Don't see how it's a good thing that at four months your son knows his parents ignore him if he's upset.

[Tee2072]

I certainly have left my baby to cry, but never for long and not so I can eat.

OP I hope you're learning something here.

[Sirzy]

Leaving a baby to cry for a moment while you finish having a wee or whatever is fine. Ignoring a crying baby isn't.

You have a very young child who relies on you for everything. You need to find ways to get things done which put the needs of that child first.

[Pobblewhohasnotoes]

I'm with your mil, and everyone else.

Your baby is four months old, they have no other way of expressing their needs than crying and yet you seem to think he's doing it on purpose to manipulate you! Pick him up, he wants a cuddle, it's normal.

Oh and when DS was this age we ate separately. One of us holding DS whilst the other ate. Or we'd put him in his bouncy chair and rock it with our feet.

Shower I had when he slept or I put him in his bouncer chair and took him with me.

Cooking, we batched cooked so had lots in the freezer or cooked when he was asleep.

Learn to eat or one handed or eat in shifts. But please pick him up.

[conorsrockers]

Well, if I'm being honest, if you were a DIL of mine I'd probably react the same. You must be made of tough stuff if you can leave your baby to cry so you can stuff your face! I couldn't eat with that going on...

[ll31]

Yabu, it's v possible to eat while holding baby.. Your mil is probably v upset at hearing him cry. Don't see how it's a good thing that at four months your son knows his parents ignore him if he's upset.

[MrsHoarder]

Yes, can everyone please read what Maryz just said. Frankly I'm amazed MNHQ has let everything stand so far. We may not be nethuns, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't be civil.

[BruthasTortoise]

Jeez come on folks! It's not the crime of the century and if, like some posters have suggested, the OP has depression, this thread could send her into a spiral. Suggesting her son should be adopted? Really?

OP it's hard being a new mum, especially if you're not in your own home but use it to your advantage. Let your MIL support you by cuddling baby so you can eat. Sometimes, when we're feeling overwhelmed, we cling onto structure and routine like a lifeboat but with a very little baby you're nearly always better to go with the flow. Feed when he's hungry, sleep when he needs it and cuddles/attention, which is equally important, when he needs that. An apology to/ clearing of the air with your MIL will probably make you feel better too.

[conorsrockers]

I had a good friend who thought she was really clever with all that - hers were sleeping through at 4 weeks, blah blah blah. We all sat back, smiled and nodded until her kids got to toddlers and other things came into play - and then laughed like drains. They rocked heaven and earth to get her attention, whether they needed it or not. I doubt she'll ever 'fix' that trust that she lost.

[aufaniae]

"The op has a new baby, she sounds quite young, she is having to live in her mil's house and she really sounds under pressure.

Can we stop the name-calling and try to offer supportive advice, not a flaming."

I agree

[pouffepants]

I have 3 children, and when they were babies I just kind of assumed that crying was what they did. Of course I checked nappies, fed etc, but if I thought everything was fine then I let them get on with it. I certainly never felt any kind of emotional response to crying, it's only since being on here that I've learnt that's not normal. I'm always amazed when people talk of their heart breaking etc.

All this demonstrates that there is clearly something wrong with me, but on the positive side, my children seem to be doing just fine, so maybe it's not the end of the world.

[RooneyMara]

Another one here with a 4 month old.

I don't leave him to cry. Maybe for a minute or possibly two but not more than that. If he's crying and I can wait to do whatever it is, I blooming well wait, I'm a grown woman and so are you/

FFS I'm sure you were just taught this load of rubbish by someone so it isn't your fault - you just grew up believing that babies 'only want attention' and that's wrong somehow, well, now's the time to realise that whoever told you that was a twit, and it's a very old fashioned viewpoint tbh and your child needs to be reassured at this age because otherwise he will be miserable.

I hope you understand now. I don't judge you for getting it so wrong, but I would if you knew it was wrong and continued to do it.

She's unreasonable btw for suggesting you top up. Your milk is probably fine.

[CharlieMumma]

I'm with everyone else I ate everything one handed or me and dp took it in turns no way would I leave ds crying in another room in front of the tv! I wouldn't be happy doing that now and he's 2.3yrs! Pick up the poor thing!

[Flojobunny]

Babies sleep a lot at this age, you do all those jobs when baby is asleep. You either eat in shifts or as single mum myself, I learnt very quickly to do everything with one hand. You are so lucky that you have a MIL to help you. I had no one and it was a very long and lonely first 6 months.....in fact it still is 7 years on. Don't treat your MIL like this, count your blessings and cuddle your baby. In a couple of months your DS will start weaning and then he'll be able to sit at the table and be distracted by the food in front of him, its only a couple of months inconvenience for you.

[Signet2012]

Op I'm not going to flame you.

But I'm afraid your mil has a point. Babies need cuddles. If they cry they need reassuring.

I have a dd 7 months old and bf. if I let her cry at 4 months it physically hurt my breasts! They would spray and ache.

I never got lunch warm. Sometimes not at all. I found eating things easily picked up with one hand the best!

For dinner I would either have a late dinner once she was asleep for a hour or again eat one handed of swop with dp.

I'm afraid I never shower when dp isn't in ! Even now I don't because I know she will start when I get in and if she is bed I don't hear her.

Routines are all well and good but not so young. I think you will find you will just end up stressed as will baby.

Does he have a bouncy chair? Dd would sit happily with her toy in her bouncy chair for 20 minutes which sometimes was enough time to wolf down a meal.

It gets easier just go with your babies flow for now.

[Signet2012]

By the way. Some of the responses on this thread are fucking vile.

No need. No need at all.

[TwinkleTits]

YABVU.

"He doesnt cry when its me or DH because he knows we wont pick him up."
-He is 4 months old and already he has learned that his parents wont see to him. Hes a tiny baby, who utterly thrives and develops on closeness and contact, for goodness sake (for your SONS sake, google it)

"He was crying in front of the tv."
-where to start with that one . See above.

"She said they dont cry for no reason."
She is right! He they dont!

"He only wants attention"

• YES! He is 4 months old, what on earth did you expect when you got pregnant? A robot you can fix to switch off? Grow up.
  

Do some research for Gods sake.

[LittleDirewolfBitJoffrey]

I would pick up and hold my 4 month old if they were crying. That's what I did with both of mine. It's not ideal but it doesn't last forever--in 2 months time your DS will be eating with you at the table. I wouldn't leave my baby to cry, so YABU.

But your MIL is wrong about how you should feed him; if BFing is going well and you're happy then you have no need to use formula.

[BruthasTortoise]

Balls she is. She following some outdated advice about settling her child in to a routine. Not good but not abuse.

[RooneyMara]

sorry if I came across as harsh.

I think a lot of people find this idea very upsetting, I'm too tired to write carefully so it all tumbles out. Sorry. I meant to say, I don't think you're evil, just a bit misguided.

this is the sort of problem those 'ideal baby' routine books create, they make people feel like failures if their babies disturb their lives - the expectations they raise are massive and unrealistic.

Hope you are Ok OP