For not wanting to be judged by my MIL for leaving my baby to cry?

[roses2]

Me and DH are living with his parents at the moment and we have a 4 month old DS.

I have my DS on a feeding schedule which works well. He is gaining weight steadily and seems happy in between feeds.

I like to have DS sit in his push chair with us at the dinner table while we eat so he can socialise with us. He cries quite often wanting to be picked up, more so when MIL is there because he knows she will pick him up. He doesn't cry when it's just me and DH because he knows we won't pick him up.

Me and DH know the difference between when he is hungry, wanting attention, tired etc.

Last week, DS was crying at the table. MIL got upset and told me if I was going to leave him to cry then put him in the other room. So now I put him in front of the tv while we eat. He cries for a few minutes then stops.

Last night he was crying a lot in front of the tv. Then MIL went into a rant by telling he is crying because he is in pain or hungry because babies don't cry for no reason and I should top him up with a bottle because I don't have enough milk (not true at all, I can still squirt milk out my boob when he takes himself off). As soon as I went to pick him up, he stopped crying which I think proves my point he just wanted attention.

I'm really upset with her as no matter what I do, I just can't seem to win. I try to eat with him at the table but he cries and she doesn't like it. I put him in the other room, he cries and she doesn't like it.

I was so upset last night I spent the whole night crying. DH supports me fully and told her off. All I want is to eat my dinner without having to shove it down my throat to attend to DS because she gets upset when he cries.

Not really sure what I'm looking for here but just wanted to have a rant.

It's our first row, normally we get on better than me and my own mum.

[Wishiwasanheiress]

Why can u not eat holding him? One hand fork, one hand baby? What's so blooming complicated u cannot work that answer out?

What is so bu about a baby wishing to be held by its mother? Or someone?

Are u intending to be strange?

[Thingiebob]

Hi, I'm sorry our MIL has upset you so much. It must be hard living with someone judging your parenting skills.

The prob is that when a baby that young cries, they ARE asking for attention. They NEED attention and you have to fit this into your life. If he is not occupied a toy then he probably wants to be close to the action in a nice safe cuddle. You should try an accommodate this need when you can. It'll only be a few more months before he is busy with his own food!

[cranverry]

Next time your baby is crying please pick him up. 4 months is so, so little and you'll be out of this phase before you know it. In the meantime take turns in eating with 2 hands or have him in your knee. Ask your mil to babysit if you and your H want to have an uninterrupted meal together.
YABU to let your baby cry on his own plonked in front of the TV. YABU to have a go at your mil who is probably pretty upset at the sound of her grandchild crying on his own.

[KentuckyFriedChildren]

So many people seriously don't leave their baby to cry? Unless you all have maids, I can't see how you would be able to shower, cook food, do the laundry etc.

No. Actually I have 3 children, one of them autistic and the baby has an orthopeadic brace, a dog and a husband who works a 60 hour week and I do all of those things without leaving my baby to cry. Controlled crying is fine in the right context but a 4 month old is too young to understand that you haven't just abandoned them. Please stop doing this. Poor baby

[pickledginger]

He's 4 months old. What's wrong with picking him up if he's crying for attention???

Your MIL is 100% right and much more restrained than I could be.

[pickledginger]

Not about topping up obviously.

[Sparklyboots]

Sorry, OP, I'm with the rest of the thread. 'Attention' is a valid need for your baby, not a strategy to manipulate you.

It seems unusual that you don't want to respond to this, are you okay? You've said that you feel you can't do anything right - are there things at play here? Even the nicest PiLs would probably be quite hard to live with just after giving birth. Do you have your own family and friends around? It might feel easier to meet your DS' s needs if you felt fully supported and as if others were thinking of your needs right now?

[GoingUpInTheWorld]

Thingy

Are you related to the op?

Our mil?

[Wishiwasanheiress]

"So many people seriously don't leave their baby to cry? Unless you all have maids, I can't see how you would be able to shower, cook food, do the laundry etc."

Pfb by any chance? Look we've all been there for a few mins thinking ' all I want is five mins for a pee, shower, rinse hair, dishwasher etc' they are content and safe for a few mins in a bouncy chair. I drag thing all over house. Dd2 bounces happily and I do my job like a working dervish then cuddle.

But to sit through an entire meal with it screaming? That's just weird.

[pickledginger]

I find it hard to understand how you can come to the conclusion that leaving your baby to cry is a good thing. People disagree about controlled crying for sleep, but this isn't about sleep. You're actually leaving your baby to cry because?

[Wishiwasanheiress]

Whirling

[Fairylea]

I spent the first 6 months of dinners eating one handed or bouncing ds / dd in a vibrating baby bouncer whilst they sucked on a dummy! After that I started bedtime routine at 5.30/6 and until they were toddlers we have always eaten and cooked dinner for us once they were in bed. Otherwise it's just impossible to eat comfortably!

I feel sorry for your baby and your mil.

You should take turns to eat whilst one ofyou deals with the baby. I don't know how anyone can relax enough to eat hearing a baby cry.

[MrsHoarder]

At 4 months I did most tasks with ds watching from his vibrating bouncy chair which he loved and cured constipation. But I aimed to teach him that he wasn't imprisoned and always picked him up when he cried, even if it meant someone had a cold dinner.

Meals were eaten quickly and were very basic for a while so I could whip them up quickly. Things like stew from diced meat and pre-chopped veg. Or I'd wait until dh got home then he'd hold ds whilst I cooked.

[DoctorRobert]

pick the poor baby up ffs.

[Thingiebob]

Sorry! Spelling mistake. Your not our.

[GoingUpInTheWorld]

Because she wanted to eat her meal in peace.

Sorry thats a luxury when you have a baby.

Many of times i ve left my meal uneaten to attend to dd and then had to bin the meal.

Thats what happened to my xmas dinner!

[IsItMeOr]

I don't think we expected to be able to sit down together for an evening meal uninterrupted at anything like that age. Mostly we ate after DS had gone for a sleep, or ate in shifts while the other held the baby.

We did have one of those bouncer chairs, which he sometimes liked, and definitely my nieces and nephews have liked. So maybe you need to be doing something to entertain him (not tv - that's not going to be engaging for long for a 4mo), if you're not expecting to be holding him?

[Fairylea]

By the way if you're feeding to a schedule and he's crying then he's not happy, maybe offer more feeds whenever he cries ... I'd always offer a feed first and then change and then cuddle..like a checklist.

The common advice now is feed on demand regardless of formula or breastfeeding.

[MoominsYonisAreScary]

My 13 week old occasionally has to be left while I deal with one of the other dcs but FFS unless you are doing something urgent why leave him to cry? I wouldn't be able to eat my dinner while he was sat in front of the tv crying

[Beamur]

OP's gone quiet..

[IsItMeOr]

Also, while you don't have a maid, living in a household with 4 adults, I find it hard to believe that you have many times when you can't cook, wash, pee etc without somebody being able to hold the baby for a bit...

[princessnumber2]

Four months old means eating hot food fast and getting indigestion or eating it cold and congealed. I recommend doing food that can be eaten either immediately or at any point over the next few hours without going rank.

Everyone eating in a civilised way with a four month old is unrealistic and if you have similar ideas elsewhere in your life you may be setting yourself up for frustration and maybe even depression.

[midori1999]

He doesn't cry when it's just me and DH because he knows we won't pick him up

You think that's a good thing? He's already learnt at 4 months old that you won't come when he needs you? At 4 months old, wanting attention is a very real need. Thank goodness in your MIL he feels he has someone he can trust, but you want to destroy that for him.

You just have to accept that having a child means your life will change and in the early months that means fitting meals, showers, housework etc around them.

It's also very probable he in hungry and not feeding him on demand may well affect your milk supply negatively.

[milkysmum]

4 months old- really???? You could either eat in shifts or hold baby and eat and same time it's not difficult! Really really is nothing wrong with a little tiny baby wanting 'attention' you say it as though there is something wrong with this