To not be at all keen on this idea?

[Wheelsonthepram]

NCing regular in case this outs me!

This may be a bit long but I want to give as much info as possible! We live in a 3-bed house (1 double, 1 single and a box room). We have DS, 19mo, and DC2 due in December. DH's family live dotted around the country. In the 12 years we've been together, we've heard from one aunt sporadically (think phone call twice a year and a card at Christmas), another aunt even less (no calls ever, no cards at Christmas or when DS was born, we do send cards to her) and an uncle rarely - uncle is a bit of a hippy globetrotter who is perfectly happy sleeping on the sofa on his very rare (5/6 in 12 years) short-notice visits. DFIL visits maybe 3 or 4 times a year and stays either in his camper van or with DSIL in a nearby town.

At present, we have the double room, DS has his cotbed in the single, and the box room is a study. There's a futon in DS's room which we brought with us from a previous, bigger house, but not enough floor space to actually fold it out IYSWIM. When DC2 arrives and reaches the right age to be in his/her own room, I'd like to convert the study into a nursery, moving the cotbed in there and buying DS a big boy bed. DH is adamant he wants to use the study as a spare room, and put 6mo DC 2 in with DS - have the cot bed and a set of bunk beds (with DS in bottom bunk until DC2 moves out of cot bed, then he moves up). He's spoken to no-one who's put kids of a similar age in together, and thinks his relatives will visit more if we have somewhere for them to sleep. He also thinks more friends will visit if we have a spare room - no friends visit, ever and we only have one set that don't live in the same city anyway.

Which of us is BU, as neither of us is budging! I've said to DH if he investigates a bit more about the potential pros/cons of 2 young DCs in the same room I might be willing to discuss it further, but his entire argument is 'we always had a spare room growing up, I want one. '

PS - I know in the grand scheme of things this is petty so please don't point this out! I know people have worse problems, etc. etc. but this is what's bothering me right now!

oh and as per purpleprickles - we have always had a guest room until recently, because we're only just having DC2, so DC1 has gone into what was the guest room and this one will have DS's old bedroom. that room was only ever spare until I could have a second DC, I always wanted more than one so we bought a house that reflected the need we could see us having.

we could only afford to convert our loft or add an extra bedroom over the garage, or move to a 4 bed house, if I go back to work fulltime after having this DC, I think it's going to be more beneficial to our family if I either work PT or be a SAHM than the DCs have to share on the rare occasion someone stays over. (But then, in the 3.5 years we've lived here, we've only had one person stay 2 nights, any other visitors have only stayed for one night each, we've never had anyone want to stay a week or so even though we've had a nice spare room with a comfy double bed in it, and even though we live 1.5hrs from my nearest family, then 4-5 hours from the rest of my family. Quite frankly if they start wanting to stay now, they've missed their window of opportunity.)

Could you fit a 3/4 (4ft)bed in the second bedroom? Decorate it in a fairly neutral grown up way, make the bed up. Put a full size single bed in bedroom 3, you can then be flexible, 2 little ones can sleep in bed 2 and one adult in bedroom 3, or 2 little ones can top and tail in bedroom 3 freeing up accommodation for a couple or a single person.

Agree to making a room available for guests as and when the situation arises, if the 3/4 bed is too big m & s do brilliant trundle beds. It's madness to save a whole room for occasional overnight guests. If that fails suggest moving house.

Families live very in a different way this is illustrated in modern house designs, many children now have en-suites, sofa bed or double beds to accommodate technology and sleepovers. New builds are often built over three floors, sometimes having almostbself contained rooms for teenagers or adult children, your hubby is reflecting on his childhood but life has moved on.

Dd and ds1 had a room each from ds1 being about 6 months old.
They never slept apart they chose to share. Dd would go into her brothers room and when ds old enough to move around they would bunk up together in my bed
They loved being together and although dd is at the stage she needs her own space and her own room they are often still in her room with him on the pull out bed.
It may seem like a crazy idea but you may find your dc enjoy being together anyway.

Why does he think you'll suddenly have more visitors?
You have a spare room at the moment albeit used as a study and you don't have visitors so why would you be having more when you have 2DC?

Is he going to advertise the fact that you have a spare room to potential visitors? As I don't see how it would make a difference to people deciding to come or not. As currently you've got a three bed with one DC so they could conclude you have a spare room (which may or may not be a study). But when you have two DC aren't people just going to assume there's no spare room anymore and then either visit anyway but discuss other plans or not visit as normal.

Sorry I don't know if I'm managing to get across what I mean to say, but if they don't visit now when there is one extra room to people, why would they assume there's a spare room and visit when there's another child?

This is about your DH wanting a personal space in the house than guests having somewhere to sleep or co-sleeping of kids. I suggest you watch "According to Jim, season 8, episode 11 (pregnancy braid) together.

Hi all. Thanks for the responses, I'll try and answer some points.

No, definitely not a class/wealth thing, if you knew us you'd think that idea was comical!
We rent, so can't convert the loft.
I don't want to stamp all over the idea at all - I'm very happy to reach a compromise as mentioned above, but I can't see the point in putting both our children into one small room for the sake of some relatives we never see and barely hear from.
If DCs wanted to share a room in the future that would be fine, I'd buy bunk beds, but I think that decision is a long time off!
The decision unfortunately does have to made now - he wanted to get started converting the room tomorrow! If I thought there was any chance of him agreeing to turn it into DC2's bedroom in a year's time I'd let him, but once it's a spare room there's zero chance it'll ever be anything else.
It's not about him having personal space, it's genuinely about having a spare room in case relatives and friends suddenly, after 12 years, decide to flock to our house.
DFIL has no spare room, or even floor space for an airbed, we have to stay in the camper or a nearby hotel when we visit. Uncle lives thousands of miles away in a 1-bed flat, aunt 1 has a spare room but in another country - nearer than uncle but we couldn't just pop over for the weekend. Aunt 2 we have so little to do with I honestly couldn't say if she has a spare room or not!
He and SIL did share a room as children to allow a spare room until the family moved to a bigger house, but they did have a fairly constant stream of visitors, that was the normal for them. He refuses to ask his dad what it was like having small children in the same room, there's a similar age gap between DH and SIL to our DCs.
My family do all live locally, and if we had his rellies regularly wanting to visit, or even keeping in touch vaguely in other ways I might not be so set on not allocating a room to them, but I honestly believe it'll stand empty maybe 350 nights a year. I have no problem with any of DH's family, I love FIL dearly and get on well with other rellies when I've met them, but I can't prioritise their theoretical need over my DCs.

Have you asked him outright why he is prioritising relatives that DON'T visit over his children? He has no reasoning whatsoever. Have you asked him if these relatives have expressed a sudden desire to be visiting more often? Even if they do, I don't see why someone should have a room just for visitors when it is their family home, but then I don't know anyone who has this and never have done.

He sounds totally immature. Whilst you are trying to come up with compromises, he is refusing to budge until he gets his own way. Don't give in to his ridiculous tantrum.

Is there anyway you can get on and do it yourself? Set the bedrooms up (with spare as bottom bunk or whatever you think the solution should be is). What does your DH propose if your DC2 is a girl?

I have DS and DD sharing but that's because we only have a 2 bed. They are 5 and 2. I am desperate for a 3 bed house so they can have their own space. DD keeps DS awake now because she doesn't go to sleep until much later and is making loads of noise, luckily DS is a fairly heavy sleeper anyway but having them share is driving me up the wall at the moment. It hasn't been a problem before this though. There is also the fact that nearly all of their toys are in the front room because their isn't enough room in their bedroom for them. It is a single room, sounds similar to your single room.

Your husband is being completely ridiculous.

Separate rooms for the DCs always.

The spare room will not remain usable as a spare room, all the out grown clothes, toys that don't fit in one room, study stuff that's in there already, laundry etc, etc, etc will end up in there.

Our plan was always for our DC to share. They're 4 (DS) and 2 (DD). My brother and I shared and I firmly believe it's great for bonding. They've shared since DD was about 6 months old and DS just turning 2 (they're 18 months apart). It had nothing to do with wanting to spare up a room, we just actively wanted them to share.

As it is, we have a 4-bed house with them in one room, us in one, an au pair in one and then a 4th bedroom which is a spare sitting room 90% of the time, and a guest room 10% of the time, when someone's staying.

If they can share, then why not?

Ok, so there's more to this then.

So DH is feeling sore that your family are local and presumably reasonably involved but his family are further away plus they don't seem very interested, perhaps?

Could it be a kudos thing, wanting to have a spare room thus the implication of a spacious family home??

Seems an odd thing for him to be so het up about.

But Don, if they don't have to share, then why should they?

You were keen for yiur DC to share, which is entirely your choice. I was keen for my DC to have their own space,so they do not share, again our choice so fine.

Sorry for crap typing, getting used to MN on tablet.

If you need/could use the room-use it!

What's the point in in being empty on the off chance that someone uses it for a couple of weeks!

Shift around when/if you need to!

Well, if it's that important to him, I'd give in.

For the first few months it will be irrelevant anyway as the baby will presumably be in with you. Maybe he is angling to have that room spare so he can get decent kip while the new baby is still feeding through the night? Whatever, the baby will not need it's own room for ages.

After that, put the kids in together and see what happens. If baby wakes up older DC, let older DC shuffle over to the spare room just to sleep in. No toys or anything, just for sleeping when needs be.

This way, all toys and clutter kept to one room, everyone has somewhere undisturbed to sleep if they need it, the spare room is an actual spare room, children benefit from sharing a room when little - everyone is happy!

Personally I wouldn't give in on this, he's being rediculous when you are offering good alternatives. If he starts with the guest room, he's not going to want to give it up. The only way I'd back down is if he can agree that if no one comes to stay for more than 2 nights and stays in that room (rather than FIL bringing the camper van) within the next 6 months, he'll agree it's a waste of space and make it DC2 room.

How likely is it that you would be able ot afford to rent a 4 bed place in the future?

But even then, I would say, do this for a year, if it becomes a problem moving DC1 into your room when guests stay, then you'll reassess when your DC2 is old enough to go in a bed - so around a year old. If in the meantime your DH's family start wanting to stay more, then of course you can be flexible sooner.

BTW - you are basing this on the assumption that DC2 will be a good sleeper, if they are anything like my DS, then your older child might have to share with a sibling who's up once in the night regularly once they go into your DC1's room - that's not fair on DC1 if there's another option that doesn't involve them having to have regularly disturbed sleep.

Problem is that the DH wants to adapt the room this weekend, so no buying time options.

Your husband is being totally irrational. I think Detoxlatte may have hit the nail on the head- he may well be after a nice comfortable spare bed when his sleep is disturbed by DC2.

I think he's also perhaps seeing his arse because you family are closer and more involved. It's easier to blame you and the bedroom situation for lack of interest from his family than to admit that they are just not bothered about him.