to want my step-daughter to move back to her mum's

[hugsuzie]

The police have been round again tonight. She's smoking bongs in the graveyard with her dopey boyfriend and his mate - both well known to the police. She's 16 and has lived with us since she was 10. In that time she has lied and stolen, puked my finest red wine on my favourite carpet. Played truant so many times we've been fined and burned, smashed or broken countelss pices of household crockery. Oh and slapped me and spat at me.
She's a feisty one and no mistake. She is currently not revising for the remaining 3 GCSEs she's being allowed to sit.
Surely, after this, it's time for a break? I have two younger kids - do they need to see this? They really look up to their big sister. Our relationship has disintegrated so much that when I see her it's so hard not to just remember the hurt and lies. I try to be nice but my hosptality is wearing dangerously thin - there's sooo much anger in me.

you know I was away to say she is 16 she can smoke if she wants but it is 18 now ,

Doesn't sound like her mum's is a good plan. You need to find a way to tackle the behaviour rather than shift the problem to where you can't see it. [Hmm]

She's been with you since 10, she's your child, don't offload her like a problem or you could fuck her up for life rather than just a teenage phase.

Mrs Jay - I know, we have tried that but then she spends all her time at theirs (or in the gravyard) Squitten - she doesn't want to go to her Mum's because of boyfriend. her and her Mum have a good relationship but it's often a bit like two sisters or best friends rather than traditional mother/ daughter.

mrsjay it's 18 to buy them but still 16 to smoke them.

hugsuzie I know you love her but i dont envy you she sounds a nightmare, what is she planning to do after her exams what age is the boyfriend It will pass though she will get through it just trying to guide her is the hard bit ,

softlysoftly - her Mum would be a good plan in that she would have her mum back her Mum would devote her time to her. But you are right she is my daughter, just one that I'm not allowed to say anything to because I'm not her real mum. :(

mrsjay it's 18 to buy them but still 16 to smoke them.

oh and Oh didnt know that I thoough it was 18 to smoke them

It's so easy to say when you aren't involved in the frustrations and emotions of living closely with someone so difficult. But I would try to improve it for all your sakes and try to think how you'd want a stepmother to behave towards your 'own' children ie would it help to invest some time in trying to do something together she might enjoy? As I suspect she'll be feeling unwanted and it might help to -instead if giving her what she actually deserves- show generosity and control and try to open up more communication/ relationship.
As I say, no experience though so may not help and really feeling for you

I honestly think at 16 it is ok for her to go to her mums for a while the op isnt throwing her out she has parents who love her and want the best for her but I was a right cow to my stepdad at that age I used to say your not my dad blah blah must be hard for the OP trying to keep the house peaceful and smooth running when she has a 16yr old and her friends disrespecting her and the home

hugs if you go over to tenagers maryz has a thread going about teenagers it is really an interesting and supportive thread ,

Firstly she is not a guest she is a part of your family. Secondly would you give up on her is she was your child ? Thirdly your partner should be putting his foot down with both her and you. To be honest she sounds as if she needs a bit of help not kicking when she is down.

I would also direct you to Maryz thread, lots of support there (I lurk a bit on it )

what mynewpassion said, simples

I am stepmum to a fab well adjusted 15 yr old sd. But, I sent my own son to live with his father at 15 because he refused to live by house rules which were very basic I may add, but I will not be refered to as "slag". Our relationship improved drastically when he realised that I meant what I said. Sometimes co parenting a child means shifting the main responsibility from one household to another when needed. It doesn't mean that you love the child any less to move main caring responsibility for a while, but a household is not dictated solely by the needs of 1 child when others are also needing attention. If anyone suggests that I would not have had this option had his father and I been together, I would reply that 2 parents of the same same child living under the same roof is a much stronger united front with regards to disciplining a wayward teen. When the child will not accept punishment from a step parent, you are on a downward spiral already.

It's totally irrevelant that she's your step daughter rather than biological daughter, so comments like "would you do this to your own child" really aren't very helpful.
I understand that the rest of the family needs a break from her self-distructive behavior. But then what? What type of relationship do you and your DH have with her Mum? Have you been able to work together as a team to resolve this? Have you tried any type of counseling for her?
I keep reminding my 16 year old stepdaughter that the choices she makes now will affect the rest of her life. And that's what concerns me about your stepdaughter. If she goes and lives with her Mum it'll give all of you a well deserved break, but will it break her behaviour? In two years time you could easily just boot her out of the house, but what's going to become of her life?
Her behaviour sounds really horrible and I'm not suprised you are totally fed up. What does your DH think? What does your DsD want to do with her life? Do you think that if you/she found something she was passionate about it might motivate her and actually give her some direction in life? We managed to get my DsD into a pre-nursing program and she went from an under acheiving lazy student to a pretty good one. I can understand this is very stressful for you but please don't give up on her quite yet!

Get tough!!

How has she been allowed to get away with this behaviour for so long to begin with. Its your house, YOU are the adult. If you don't want her mates in your house, don't let them. If she cant be trusted, she doesn't have a key. She is either in, or out.

Teenagers are tough, but that what you signed up for, they get nice again later on, you can't pick and choose which bits of being a parent you do,

She's 16 and has lived with us since she was 10. so you have had for the last six years?

In that time she has lied and stolen

they can do that some times, why has she lied and stolen?

puked my finest red wine on my favourite carpet

Played truant so many times we've been fined and burned, smashed or broken countelss pices of household crockery

she is really angry, why is she so frustrated?

Oh and slapped me and spat at me

Unacceptable why has she slapped and spat at you?.

She's a feisty one and no mistake

That very dismissive, no one is naturally angry, they always have a reason.

She is currently not revising for the remaining 3 GCSEs she's being allowed to sit

why has she lost all drive and interest?

Surely, after this, it's time for a break?

children are for life, not just when you can be bothered, the reason you are worn out is because what you are doing is not working,

I have two younger kids - do they need to see this?

It's going to scare the heebgeepers out of them, when they see you throw in the towel, no they don't need to see and hear this, so you need to do things differently.

They really look up to their big sister

good,

Our relationship has disintegrated so much that when I see her it's so hard not to just remember the hurt and lies

You are meant to be a parent, you are meant to be above holding grudges, (you are an adult aren't you?), the fact that you are not above holding grudges against a child, is why you have a deeply unhappy adolescent, which you are failing. This one sentence shows why you are in the position you are in, children are very good at reading adults, she has been reading how you view her since she was small, you don't even seem to understand that you are damaging her.

I try to be nice but my hosptality is wearing dangerously thin

This is really sad, so sad, you are a pretend parent, and she knows you are a fake. and she has no real home.

there's sooo much anger in me.

How sad for you, unfortunately you have caused a lot of anger in a child, who's whole life will be effected by it,

Your attitude is very sad, I hope you have the courage to get some guidance,

This girl will continue to seek support and acceptance from unsuitable people , while she doesn't get it from you.

sorry to be harsh, but I find it shocking you seem to think your behaviour and attitude is acceptable , you did know your husband had a child when you met? did you assume she wasn't part of the package, I don't understand why you resent her so much.

If you don't sort your attitude out, then you are in for a much worse time,

Stop pushing, as when you do she can only do two things, push back or go, neither will work for her or you.

Hi OP here. I wasn't able to post for such a long time but I just wanted to say thank you for all of your helpful comments. It has really helped me realise some of the issues I have. Especially that asking the question "Would you do this if she was your own daughter?" is extremely unhelpful. I have spent my life worrying that I might be being too hard on her and so if there was even the slightest chence I thought I'd let my other children do it when they got to her age I'd let her. Now that my son is at the age she was when she first started living with us full time I never ask that question. I just say "No!" all the time (and it works). So you've helped me realise that the one thing I do do very differently with the little ones is MAKE them love me. I.E. lots of hugs and friendship whether they like it or not. So that's what I'm doing :) She doesn't mind the hugs - well she never really has. But it's hard to get a teenager to want to spend time with you... I'll keep trying though! So (apart form "quoteunquote") Thank you! You've really helped
Sarahxx

Oh and P.S. as we have now found out that DsD's boyfriend is a drug dealer she's going to Mum's anyway. She's safer there. But she'll be back every weekend and for the hols.

Bloody hell quoteunquote where did you read all that into op's post? "pretend parent?" shes been looking after this girl for 6 years!

Op try posting in step parenting or teenagers to get some balanced constructive advice.

I feel for you, and I sincerely mean that. You must have had the patience of a saint. I think people can be quite judgey pants on here about being a step mother. It no bloody walk in the park I can tell you, and if you are not one, you will never know how hard it is. You may find a little more sympathy on the step parenting board.
Is her father much help?

OK Quoteunquote I assume this is your usual mo. And you probably never return to a thread once you have posted as yo have little to learn from us mortals but here goes anyway:

Teenagers are tough, but that what you signed up for, they get nice again later on, you can't pick and choose which bits of being a parent you do,

All teenagers? Sign what exactly. Does her real Mum "pick and choose "which bits of parenting she does?

She's 16 and has lived with us since she was 10. so you have had for the last six years?
Yes

In that time she has lied and stolen

they can do that some times, why has she lied and stolen?
Generally when she has stayed out late and needed money

Played truant so many times we've been fined and burned, smashed or broken countelss pices of household crockery

she is really angry, why is she so frustrated
I have said before that she was bullied at school and we had problems getting school to realise there was an issue.

Oh and slapped me and spat at me

Unacceptable why has she slapped and spat at you?.
Do you mean the specific times? She slapped me because I was trying to stop her going back out and spat at me when I was telling her to go to school one morning.

She's a feisty one and no mistake

That very dismissive, no one is naturally angry, they always have a reason.
Yup

She is currently not revising for the remaining 3 GCSEs she's being allowed to sit

why has she lost all drive and interest?
Dope, No motivation. Terrible experiences at school (the bullying)

Surely, after this, it's time for a break?

children are for life, not just when you can be bothered, the reason you are worn out is because what you are doing is not working,
Yes. Do you think her Mum would do a better job? I do.

I have two younger kids - do they need to see this?

It's going to scare the heebgeepers out of them, when they see you throw in the towel, no they don't need to see and hear this, so you need to do things differently.
More stict? less strict? rewards? punishments? We have tried a few different strategies.

Our relationship has disintegrated so much that when I see her it's so hard not to just remember the hurt and lies

You are meant to be a parent, you are meant to be above holding grudges, (you are an adult aren't you?), the fact that you are not above holding grudges against a child, is why you have a deeply unhappy adolescent, which you are failing. This one sentence shows why you are in the position you are in, children are very good at reading adults, she has been reading how you view her since she was small, you don't even seem to understand that you are damaging her.

Yeah. Thanks for this. This one paragraph had me in tears. A comforting thought that my step daughter is permanently damaged and I'm the cause - and you can tell this without ever having met me! Boy you are good!

I try to be nice but my hosptality is wearing dangerously thin

This is really sad, so sad, you are a pretend parent, and she knows you are a fake. and she has no real home.

Shame you don't read the rest of the thread. She has TWO real homes.

there's sooo much anger in me.

How sad for you, unfortunately you have caused a lot of anger in a child, who's whole life will be effected by it,

Your attitude is very sad, I hope you have the courage to get some guidance,

What sort of guidance would you suggest? Councelling? Systemic Family Therapy?

This girl will continue to seek support and acceptance from unsuitable people , while she doesn't get it from you.
Just wondering here, again, how you've come to the conclusion that the three of us us don't support and accept her?

sorry to be harsh, but I find it shocking you seem to think your behaviour and attitude is acceptable , you did know your husband had a child when you met? did you assume she wasn't part of the package, I don't understand why you resent her so much.
Maybe the original post was sparked with fury having just had the police round. But I don't resent her. I just want her to start being tha happy girl she once was again.

If you don't sort your attitude out, then you are in for a much worse time,
Cheers fo that

Stop pushing, as when you do she can only do two things, push back or go, neither will work for her or you.

In pushing do you mean in trying to get her to stay in, not smoke and not do drugs? or in thinking that as she is seems to be spiralling into crisis her Mum's is a good palce for her?

Thank you for your comments. Amazing how much "reading between the lines" you can do. :-)

OP,

My stepson lived with his mother and three sisters until he was 15. At that point his behaviour in the house was unbearable, he was constantly fighting with his stepfather, his mother, and his sisters.

She kicked him out, to come and live with his father and me. It worked, because he was in a different environment, with different rules, and 12 years later he runs his own company, employs others, has a partner and child, and is doing great.

Sometimes teens do need a change and it could work for your daughter.

As mum who had a troublesome teenager, and also a stepmum.... I wish I could like a post because I'd be liking that one ^^.

Interesting to consider, - what might be the reaction to this thread if it were a lone parent at the end of her tether wanting to send her child to his/her father's house for a while, where the child would be away from the bad influence of her smoking, drug taking friends?

'Give yourself a break - send her to her Dad's - let him deal with her'

?

Hi op >

I'm probably going to get flamed here but when my dd went through a phase of disrespecting me and my dp (who wasn't her father ) I packed her bags for her and took her to her dads till she apologised.

It wasn't even as bad as what your dsd has done.

We have a fantastic relationship now and she returned three weeks letter. Your Dsd sounds out of control and you may need intervention to sort it out. This isn't all your fault as done posters will have you believe! The dreaded step mother/witch, picking through your every word.

Action needs to be taken now do she dosnt damage her self any further but also you and DH need a break to plan how to deal with things and take action. Many children with behavioural problems go in to repite do there parents can have a break!

She is sixteen, well old enough to know better! I had my own flat then and dd! She is a young adult and I would take it from there rather than treating her like a disturbed baby like some posters would.

There are many agency's that can help you all.

Maybe going to another relatives will help her get away from her boyfriend as that is a serious problem. Taking a step back from this situation will help you go forward .

Good luck!