to want my step-daughter to move back to her mum's

[hugsuzie]

The police have been round again tonight. She's smoking bongs in the graveyard with her dopey boyfriend and his mate - both well known to the police. She's 16 and has lived with us since she was 10. In that time she has lied and stolen, puked my finest red wine on my favourite carpet. Played truant so many times we've been fined and burned, smashed or broken countelss pices of household crockery. Oh and slapped me and spat at me.
She's a feisty one and no mistake. She is currently not revising for the remaining 3 GCSEs she's being allowed to sit.
Surely, after this, it's time for a break? I have two younger kids - do they need to see this? They really look up to their big sister. Our relationship has disintegrated so much that when I see her it's so hard not to just remember the hurt and lies. I try to be nice but my hosptality is wearing dangerously thin - there's sooo much anger in me.

[whatamardarse]

Damn predictive text!!!

[Grinkly]

would you throw your own child out

absolutely I would, if there was a safe happy secure place for them to go to, which this girl has.

Why should the other DCs needs come second all the time. The OP is setting herself up for self-esteem problems with her own DCs if they are ignored whilst the house revolves around the stress and upset the eldest daughter is causing.

You could look at moving house OP, thus taking DD away from her less than likeably friends. And giving her a new start at school with no history or bad reputation to maintain.

Just the threat of that might make her improve her behaviour.

[Grinkly]

Action needs to be taken now do she dosnt damage her self any further

absolutely, I agree with Whatamadarse says.

She is going to scupper her education so that leaves no options career wise, so no chance to improve her self-esteem that way, or have a successful future to look forward to.

Letting this run is not in her favour.

[cherrybakewall]

OP I massively feel for you. MY DSD came to live with us at the age of 10. We had 2 hours notice that she was coming. The move was 130 miles so new school etc required within 24 hours. Her mum said she just couldn't cope with her behaviour anymore. To add to DSD's feelings of rejection she kept her younger brother. After that we had non-stop stealing, lying, shoplifting, destruction of property, swearing, truanting and physical violence to the point that my younger children were crying and shaking with fear whenever she had a tantrum. We tried every strategy under the sun, took her for counselling ( counsellor told us she was happy and well-adjusted and nothing wrong with her). It got to the point where I almost left my husband because I couldn't cope with her. I lost my job as a result of having to take so much time off work to deal with it all ( I was getting phonecalls at work 3/4 times a week because of issues at school) including 2 weeks off when she was excluded for stealing. I finally had a breakdown of my own and spent a year having counselling. She begged us to send her back to her Mum's and we said that she could go if that was what she really wanted and if her Mum agreed. Needless to say her Mum didn't want her.
I don't know what advice I can offer you other than to say I empathise HUGELY and sometimes it doesn't matter what you do they are just like that. I think in your case that if her Mum is willing to have her then spending a few weeks there will probably due you all some good.

Ironically my DSD's Mum suddenly decided after 4 years that she DID want DSD back and again she went at very short notice ( went for a weekend visit and never came back. We didn't see her again for about 8 months). When she did come back to visit she told us she wished she'd stayed with us and how much nicer life was at ours than with her Mum but couldn't move again due to being in middle of A levels.

[quoteunquote]

sorry just trying to break it down,

teens, get to a state of despair remarkable quickly, and throw in the towel, they cannot envisage the stages involved in progressing,

They view where they are and where they would like be, but are overwhelmed by the concepts in between.

Until they can grasp the concept of concentrating on completing the little daily steps needed to achieve the greater goal, they get gripped.

at which point, unable to articulate their internal dialogue, with mutual family frustration, they look else where for distraction, acceptance, reassurance and affection, which in turn causes additional pressures to the relationships within the family unit,

then each time they return there is increased friction and demands, they distance themselves more,

It is extraordinarily hard not to push back, but you have to break the cycle, it takes a while for them to realise you are not engaging on that level.

When you talk to her about her long term goals, what are her ambitions, dreams, directions, what does she want to do with her life, her interests, what grips her?

If she has an idea how ever distant, she needs to identify what are the steps between where she is now, and where she is wants to end up, then start to do each little tiny step, hand in an essay, turn up to a lesson, look at a collage for a retake, once she feels she is progressing, she will become more proactive,

somehow she needs help to grasp, the idea that little steps get you to the top of the mountain, if you stand at the bottom and lot at the summit it's too overwhelming to start, little steps look up occasionally check the view, update the route plan, and you will get there,

review the mentoring she is getting, make sure she is getting support where she can, help her access it,

when co parenting, you cannot drop the ball in the hope that one or more of the parents will pick it up, it never works, you have to just plug away, and if they join in all the better, it often takes one of the parents to take a positive lead, before the others feel what they contribute is worthwhile, it will gain momentum but it usually takes a considerable effort to start.

It's very hard to remain sane and calm, with such continuous provocative energy draining situation, if you can form a co operative tag team with the other parents, and mentors (tutors, school councillors) , it will insure that no one person is bearing the brunt.

it is very hard getting teens who are feeling totally wretched to re engage, if any of their securities are removed, it distances them further, and will prolong the process, they find bridge building difficult.

[whatamardarse]

Wow quote your posts are loooooooooong!

cherry what a journey hope your family are happy now .

[DeskPlanner]

Good look op. Hope things work out.

[DeskPlanner]

Sorry, luck obviously.

[SybilRamkin]

quoteunquote you're remarkably judgmental and sure of yourself for someone who presumably doesn't know the OP or her family! If you can't be helpful it's probably best to be quiet.

hugsuzie I can't offer any practical advice, but you have my heartfelt sympathy. Here, have some and

[Grinkly]

quoteunquote I read your post and thought 'thank goodness someone who can give some really helpful guidance' so am at Sybils criticism.

[Bobyan]

quote your advice reminds me of a text book - may read well, but is actually very short on how to implement change and full of "cheesey" clichés.

I'm pretty sure the OP has tried very hard to help her DSD, frankly your first post in particular was very judgemental and quick to blame the OP.

[whatamardarse]

I think it was copy and pasted!

[digerd]

My friend's younger sis threw her 15 year-old out for drugs and stealing. My friend took her niece in and persevered with her. It was not easy.
When she got married, only my friend and her DH were at her wedding.

[Bobyan]

what