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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to only buy for a newborn and not siblings?

47 replies

TheRainbowsEnd · 28/04/2013 22:08

My cousin and his girlfriend are having a baby (due late May). His girlfriend has a daughter (aged 2) from a previous relationship. I don't have much to do with my cousin, not because I don't like him, we're just not close.

At family occasions he never bothers to come, even to our Grandma's birthday which is literally a 25 minute drive away. And for that reason I've only met his girlfriend a handful of times.

I also know that our Grandmother gave them a a huge bag of Christmas presents for the three of them and she never got so much as a thank you.

My mum rang me tonight to ask me what I was buying for the new baby, and then she asked what I was buying the little girl too. When I said I wasn't buying her anything my mum said basically that it was rude and unfair to buy just for the baby as she will feel excluded.

Now I have no problem buying a card and present for the baby, it would be awful to not at least acknowledge that they've had a baby. But aibu to think why the heck should I buy for a girl who I have met maybe 3 times and really isn't anything to do with me?

OP posts:

Carolra · 28/04/2013 22:09

I wouldn't buy presents at all in this situation... Nice card to welcome the newborn should be enough...

MrsLettuce · 28/04/2013 22:10

YABVVUindeed. Poor wee girl, it's not her fault.

If you only want to buy a present and a card then FFS let the present be for her. Oe just send a card.

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 28/04/2013 22:10

Yanbu.

edwardsmum11 · 28/04/2013 22:11

Yanbu. I only bought for my new neice and not her 5 year old sister when little one was born... must be a bad aunt.

StrawberryMojito · 28/04/2013 22:11

YANBU, present for newborn only.

LimeLeaffLizard · 28/04/2013 22:11

YANBU. I have just had a baby and whilst we were lucky enough to be given lots of lovely presents for the baby, only a few people added a bag of sweets or something tiny for my other DC.

Buying for the baby only is the norm round here.

But tbh it doesn't sound like you are that bothered about any of them, so why buy anything at all? Just send a card. Gifts shouldn't be an obligation.

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 28/04/2013 22:12

Would it really hurt to get her some sweets or a colouring book?

drinkyourmilk · 28/04/2013 22:12

It's fine to just buy for the newborn. It's exactly what I would do unless it was a family I was close too.
However your reason is a bit mean. The girl you have nothing to do with is in effect your cousins daughter, and his newborns sibling. I appreciate you wouldn't have meant it in that tone, but maybe something to bear in mind when talking to family members. X

AmandaPayneAteTooMuchChocolate · 28/04/2013 22:12

I thought this was going to be a Christmas or Birthday question and was willing to say you were being unreasonable.

But no, a new baby present isn't for the baby really. It is for the parents. The only people in my circle who buy for the siblings are grandparents, in a 'we haven't forgotten you' type way.

Nor do I think you would be out of order to just send a card.

Donnadoon · 28/04/2013 22:13

But you haven't met the new born 3 times IYSWIM. Oh I dunno it's a tricky one because if the girl was older than two i would worry that she felt excluded.

MrsBungle · 28/04/2013 22:14

In your situation I would send a card only as you are not close and never see them. If I was going to buy for the new baby, though, I would send a token small gift for the wee girl.

likeitorlumpit · 28/04/2013 22:14

i would just buy the little girl a bag of sweets so she doesnt feel left out or forgotten. she is very young and wont understand the fuss with the baby and presents.

needaholidaynow · 28/04/2013 22:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Smartiepants79 · 28/04/2013 22:14

No, she doesn't need her own present. She can open the one for the baby- as her big sister!
We have had a second baby recently and I would never have expected present for our DD1. Just make a fuss of her being a wonderful sister and how helpful she is and she won't even notice!

intheshed · 28/04/2013 22:15

I usually get something like a magazine or colouring book for the older child, just because I really appreciated it when people did that for 2yo DD1 when DD2 was born.

Springforward · 28/04/2013 22:16

I would probably either just send a nice card, or if I bought for the newborn I'd also buy a little gift for the older one too (colouring book, CBeebies magazine type thing) just so she didn't feel left out. But if I really had such little contact, I'd probably just stick with a card TBH.

BruthasTortoise · 28/04/2013 22:16

I always thought it was the norm to buy a gift for the newborn only, some of my family members have larger families so you would need to buy 4 or 5 gifts in order to include older sibs.

LimeLeaffLizard · 28/04/2013 22:16

I don't think siblings feel excluded if their baby brother or sister gets a gift.

Chances are the gift is 'boring' clothing anyway. Or they are old enough to understand that their presents will come on their birthday. Or they are allowed to open the presents 'for the baby' which makes them feel included.

AmandaPayneAteTooMuchChocolate · 28/04/2013 22:17

I don't understand all the people saying that the older child needs a present to not feel left out. Do siblings routinely get presents from everyone on a sibling's birthday, or a parent's birthday?

CloudsAndTrees · 28/04/2013 22:18

I always buy something for the older sibling if I'm buying for the baby.

I remember how much I appreciated people giving gifts to my 2yo when his baby brother arrived, it's just a small thing that can help an older sibling see the good side of this new baby that takes away all Mummy's attention and is getting all this fuss.

I think it's mean to not even buy a bag of sweets if you are giving to the baby.

Original poster

TheRainbowsEnd · 28/04/2013 22:19

I appreciate you wouldn't have meant it in that tone, but maybe something to bear in mind when talking to family members.

Yes sorry, that has come across as quite harsh reading it back.

When I say she's nothing to do with me I don't mean it's because she's his stepdaughter and therefore not part of the family. I mean it's because I've met her very few times.

I've ever bumped into them before and the girlfriend didn't even say hi to me.

I think it would be very rude if I didn't so much as acknowledge that she had given birth. But I don't think it should be expected or considered rude if I don't buy for a child who I've met 3 times and never spoken to.

OP posts:

radicalsubstitution · 28/04/2013 22:19

You don't have much to do with your cousin, so why send a present?

Send a card for the whole family.

If you want to send a present, send one for the whole family, such as a 'my family' photo frame.

Job done.

HollyBerryBush · 28/04/2013 22:21

If you aren't close and don't normally swap presents, I wouldn't buy anything. Card would suffice.

IF I were buying for a new baby I would also buy for a sibling - in fact I'd make a point of it.

needaholidaynow · 28/04/2013 22:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RightsaidFreud · 28/04/2013 22:21

Newborn only here too. I don't understand why people think you have to constantly buy things for kids these days. Someone I know won't allow her child Easter eggs at Easter, and expects people to buy her a present instead, and then gets upety with people when they don't.

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