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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to only buy for a newborn and not siblings?

47 replies

TheRainbowsEnd · 28/04/2013 22:08

My cousin and his girlfriend are having a baby (due late May). His girlfriend has a daughter (aged 2) from a previous relationship. I don't have much to do with my cousin, not because I don't like him, we're just not close.

At family occasions he never bothers to come, even to our Grandma's birthday which is literally a 25 minute drive away. And for that reason I've only met his girlfriend a handful of times.

I also know that our Grandmother gave them a a huge bag of Christmas presents for the three of them and she never got so much as a thank you.

My mum rang me tonight to ask me what I was buying for the new baby, and then she asked what I was buying the little girl too. When I said I wasn't buying her anything my mum said basically that it was rude and unfair to buy just for the baby as she will feel excluded.

Now I have no problem buying a card and present for the baby, it would be awful to not at least acknowledge that they've had a baby. But aibu to think why the heck should I buy for a girl who I have met maybe 3 times and really isn't anything to do with me?

OP posts:

LimeLeaffLizard · 28/04/2013 22:21

It is a nice gesture, but how many bags of sweets do you want your 2yo to eat? (I would end up eating them myself)

SarahAndFuck · 28/04/2013 22:22

YANBU but you could send a small packet of sweets if you decide to send something after all.

StuntGirl · 28/04/2013 22:24

Present for newborn only. In fact, I send cards for the baby and the present is usually actually for the parents! We gave our friends a little collection of helpful things when they had their baby, one of which was an envelope of money with 'Takeaway Fund' written in the front, for those days they just couldn't be arsed to cook!

YANBU!

Bogeyface · 28/04/2013 22:25

I would always buy for the sibling BUT thats because I only buy gifts for close friends and close family. If I bought for everyone I am related to who had babies then I would be penniless! I would just buy them a card as I did when my cousin had her sons.

Original poster

TheRainbowsEnd · 28/04/2013 22:26

one of which was an envelope of money with 'Takeaway Fund' written in the front

Haha, that's such a cool idea.

OP posts:

YoniOrNotYoni · 28/04/2013 22:27

I do the opposite. Gift for the older sibling, not the newborn.

Twattybollocks · 28/04/2013 23:03

If I take a present for newborn and the older sibling is under 3, then I take a little something for them too. Packet of crayons and a cheap colouring book for 99p from home bargains or something like that. Kids that age don't understand why it's just the baby getting all the attention and their world has just been turned upside down. Possibly they deserve a little treat. Besides, the colouring book keeps them out of mischief whilst you coo over the new baby

Thumbwitch · 28/04/2013 23:07

YANBU and your mum is being weird, IMO.

When I had DS2, a fair number of people I know from playgroup and a few of MIL's friends (who I barely know) gave us Something for the baby. Not one of them bought anything for DS1 - why on earth would they?!

Since you're not that close I wouldn't go overboard but would just get them a little something and a card. (And as a hint, something that is in a size 0-3 or 3-6m would be really nice - I remember having to buy DS1 nothing in the newborn size as we had lots of gifts and hand-me-downs in that size but then when he was suddenly too big for the newborn size, I had to quickly go and buy a bunch of 0-3m clothing! [unprepared])

OneFingerSjupesUpTheYoni · 28/04/2013 23:29

I've never bought for older kids a wee something for the newborn and a card but even my nieces and nephews haven't been bought for when a new ones arrived.

It's a pretty odd thing to do - i don't know anyone who does this.

Original poster

TheRainbowsEnd · 28/04/2013 23:42

Kids that age don't understand why it's just the baby getting all the attention and their world has just been turned upside down. Possibly they deserve a little treat.

I don't want to be an OP that asks AIBU? and for someone to say yes YABU, and I reply no I'm not! haha.

It's just his girlfriend has her own family (mum, and sisters), she has close friends and my cousin also has parents and siblings who will become auntie and uncle for the first time.

So I'm assuming if a present was to be bought for the girl then it would be by one or most of the above, as they know her and interact with her. Not from someone who she pretty much doesn't know and will probably will never know.

If it was the other way around and they bought me a card and present for my newborn and nothing for my older children it would never enter my mind to think of them as rude and purposely excluding them.

OP posts:

Original poster

TheRainbowsEnd · 28/04/2013 23:43

It's a pretty odd thing to do - i don't know anyone who does this.

Me either but going from this thread people obviously do.

OP posts:

HerRoyalNotness · 28/04/2013 23:49

I've had 10 "friends" give birth in the past 12 months. I've bought and gift and sent a card for each of the babies (varying $$$ as to how well we know them). I've only bought for one sibling, the Dd of someone we are a bit closer to. I put in some colouring pencils, a book and a finding glass, things that could help keep her occupied while mum is BF. I'll do the same when the next baby is due for their older DD, but I certainly wouldn't do it for all of the previous 10s siblings.

apostropheuse · 28/04/2013 23:49

I have only ever bought for the newborn, never the siblings too. When I had a new baby it was only the baby that was given a gift, not my other children.

I'm surprised people think they have to buy for the whole family. Sometimes children have to learn it's not always about them.

BackforGood · 28/04/2013 23:50

I'd just send a card in the situation you describe.
When a close friend has a baby, then I tend to just take a colouring / sticker book or a bag of sweets or something for an older sibling as and when I first visit (or maybe offer to take them to the park, and spend some 'special time' with them, but that would only be for someone I was close to, obviously, not the situation you describe.

HullMum · 28/04/2013 23:52

the newborn isn't getting a present the parents are. yanbu

TheBuskersDog · 28/04/2013 23:56

In your situation I wouldn't feel the need to buy a present, just a card to acknowledge the birth of the baby.

CreatureRetorts · 29/04/2013 07:22

The step daughter is part of the family.

As for buying something - we do as does everyone we know. Or we buy a family gift (something for the parents).

But in your situation I wouldn't buy anything unless visiting the new baby.

GreenShadow · 29/04/2013 16:49

the newborn isn't getting a present the parents are
Well, yes, that's how we as adults see it, but to a young child, it is the new baby getting yet more presents.

Having said that, whether or not I would get something for the older child does depend on how well or in what context, I know the family.

As others have said, in your situation, as you are not close, I would probably only send a card anyway.

greenformica · 29/04/2013 18:24

I would probably send a card only OR a card, plus gift for the baby and a milky way bar for toddler.

loofet · 29/04/2013 18:41

I'd personally just send a card. Not like they'll be bothered anyway by the sounds of it... They don't seem to be the 'family' type, i'm certain they wouldn't even notice if you sent nothing.

BenjaminButton172 · 29/04/2013 19:18

I am very close to my 4yr old dn. he comes for tea, days out etc at least once a week.

When his sis was born i didnt get him a present. When i visited them in the hospital with the present for his sis he decided he was coming home with me before i had even handed over the present to my sis.

My dn definately gets more attention from me so theres no way he would feel left out.

OP in ur case i would probably jus send a card addressed to them all.

TigerSwallowTail · 29/04/2013 19:35

Yanbu. I'm 37 weeks pregnant and also have a son, it never crossed my mind that people should buy him something too if they buy something for the baby. Why should they?

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