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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I shouldn't be paying maintenance as well as DH?

468 replies

Mumoftwo88 · 26/04/2013 21:31

My DH has a daughter with his exW aged 8 and we have two children together aged 2 and 4. His exW claims maintenance from him and he pays it every month without fail at £250.00. She has recently just become unemployed and whilst I sympathise with her I cannot understand why she is now claiming that he should be paying more and if needs be it should be paid through my earnings. (Her words)

She seems to think that because our household has two incomes coming in then we are wadded. We're not. From my earnings I have the mortgage to pay, bills to pay for this household, a food shop to pay for, a car to run, and 3 children to provide for, including DSD when she stays here.

And I have a family holiday to pay for. I'd like to think we can have some luxuries without some woman trying to screw money out of me just because I happen to be the partner of her exH.

Now don't get me wrong I know it is important that DSD is provided for, but that is where my DH's maintenance payments come in and I make sure she is ok when she is here. At the end of the day I'm not some meal ticket to this woman.

Aibu?

OP posts:
Mimishimi · 27/04/2013 00:44

YANBU, maintenance is based on a percentage of his income, not her varying needs. However, if she is having a really hard time financially, I do think your DH should offer to have primary custody of your DSD for a while.

olgaga · 27/04/2013 00:45

she shouldn't be expecting me to foot the bill for her then should she

I think there is a world of difference between tackling you personally and asking you to foot the bill, and pointing out to your DH that he lives in a dual income household, while she is on her own and has lost her job.

LadyBeagleEyes · 27/04/2013 00:50

Imour, that's a big assumption.
From what I've gathered she was a working mum who unfortunately lost her job.
Very possibly she is desperate for another and doesn't want to be on benefits but meanwhile would like to see her dd maintain the same lifestyle as her stepsisters.
I'd also like to know what your dp thinks Op, though I'm a bit Hmm about you taking on his debts.

Original poster
Mumoftwo88 · 27/04/2013 00:53

No it's not all down to me Olgaga. My DH is in the process of weighing things up. It's the fact that she mentioned me that's why I have expressed my own thoughts about the situation on here.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumoftwo88 · 27/04/2013 00:55

Not stepsisters Lady. They aren't her stepsisters. They are DP's children as well.

OP posts:
imour · 27/04/2013 00:58

why is that a big assumption , if she worked and lost her job , she will be entitled to income support , no one likes being on benefits but if you need to then so be it to help you through , im sure every one wants to maintain a decent life style but everyone has ups and downs , wonder if she would still demand the 250 if they both lost their jobs , some exes not all but some are grabby and bitter lets not make out otherwise .

olgaga · 27/04/2013 01:01

But I doubt if she has mentioned you in anything but an oblique way. The fact is, her ex is in a pretty comfortable dual income household. She currently has no earned income because she has lost her job. Of course she is going to factor your dual income into her consideration.

It isn't about taking money out of your purse. It's about the ex's reasonable expectation that the the DD's father will step up and help out in a time of crisis.

You do sound incredibly angry, but it's not as though she has never worked and only sought to extract money from your DH. He is only paying the CM that he is required to.

Her circumstances have changed and she has asked for help.

Why take it so personally? Why make it such a battle? Ultimately the welfare and interests of the child are the most important things.

olgaga · 27/04/2013 01:05

wonder if she would still demand the 250 if they both lost their jobs,some exes not all but some are grabby and bitter lets not make out otherwise

That's a bit irrelevant. He has a job, and he is either required to pay or has agreed to pay £250pm.

If he lost his job he would be paying a nominal sum, whether she "demanded" more and was "grabby and bitter" or not.

Original poster
Mumoftwo88 · 27/04/2013 01:08

I've stated what I am willing to do to help out, but that's all I can offer.

Think about it. Her rent and council tax will be paid in full. She will receive JSA income based which ensures that she will receive full rent and council tax benefit. She will also receive free school meals, ctc and cb. And then the 250 on top of that. The holiday club will be paid for as well as any additional expenses that DSD needs like clothes, school trips etc.. Any bills that need paying are simply not my responsibility and she has more than enough there to pay for them with the temporary help she is getting.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumoftwo88 · 27/04/2013 01:12

Can I also point out that whilst the holiday club is not a necessity at the moment as DSD's mum isn't working, DSD loves going and it would be a shame for that to stop.

OP posts:
olgaga · 27/04/2013 01:15

I've stated what I am willing to do to help out, but that's all I can offer.

It's getting a bit late but you must know that housing benefit won't necessarily cover all her rent.

But yet again this is all about what you want to/are prepared to do.

What is dad prepared to do?

imour · 27/04/2013 01:17

forgot to add YANBU at all , unfortunately there is always someone on here who goes on and tries to wind you up , you dont have to justify anything at the end of the day i think you are being very fair.

Original poster
Mumoftwo88 · 27/04/2013 01:18

If she is receiving JSA IB then it will cover the whole rent.

I don't know what he is prepared to do just yet. Like you say it's getting late now so I will pop back on here tomorrow.

OP posts:
olgaga · 27/04/2013 01:20

imour is that directed at me? I am not trying to wind OP up, I am simply having a conversation and putting my point of view across.

olgaga · 27/04/2013 01:22

Yes me too - night night.

FWIW I do think you are trying to do the right thing by DD but you are obviously angry about the situation, and it makes me think there must be more to this!

imour · 27/04/2013 01:25

i dont like to name and shame...but if the cap fits and all that ,you are putting your views across yes , copying and pasting then nit picking through it yes , but having a conversation you were not .

olgaga · 27/04/2013 01:30

WTF are you on about? Copying and pasting particular points you wish to address is part of having a conversation online. I am not "nit-picking", there are broad issues being discussed.

What have you brought to this thread except your apparent knowledge of the benefit system and evident bitterness?

imour · 27/04/2013 01:37

its getting late think some people are getting tired and throwing their toys out the pram , hope my knowledge of the benefit system has helped let you know op that the ex and daughter will not lose the roof over their head and will not starve , and what you said you are doing to help sounds very fair .

AmberLeaf · 27/04/2013 01:39

No such thing as council tax benefit anymore!

she would be liable for some % even if unemployed.

So, if NRP loses their job....the RP picks up the slack

If the RP loses their job...the RP picks up the slack.

filthypig · 27/04/2013 01:40

I was on IS and the housing benefit didn't cover the whole of my rent. But I rented privately as no council stock.

GoshAnneGorilla · 27/04/2013 01:41

Olgaga - Thanks for your contributions. I've been a bit baffled by some of the responses on here.

O.P, you are coming across as very bitter and I'm not sure it's aimed at the right person. Your DH is sounding very passive in all this.

NatashaBee · 27/04/2013 01:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LadyBeagleEyes · 27/04/2013 01:50

I'm interested in your Dh's response too OP.
So far it's all about you.
And no, I don't think you should be paying for Dsd, but surely you can cut her mum some slack at a time of hardship, it might just be a short time till she's employed again.
You do seem to have a huge financial responsibility in your relationship, what does your DH actually contribute?

olgaga · 27/04/2013 01:59

Thank you Gosh.

I can assure you imour that my toys are all still in my pram and under control.

There are much bigger issues here which seem to have gone straight over your head.

Welfare reform means the safety net is not quite as straightforward as it once was. DD's standard of living is likely to be affected and there is no simplistic solution along the lines you suggest in relation to "handing over" her care.

OP seems to be having to take on a far greater share of responsibility for this situation than she should.

Those are the important issues here and I think exploring them will assist the OP if she wants to come back.

You may have good reason for your bitterness and axe-grinding, but in my view it's unhelpful and misplaced on this thread.

ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs · 27/04/2013 02:07

I think YANBU

We;ve been on the other side of this- DH's ex GF got a new bloke and subsequently married him. He seems to make a lot of money. we were struggling at the time, but would never have dreamed of trying to get DHs contributions down-scaled because she had a new well-off partner Confused It would surely have to work both ways, wouldn't it?