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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I shouldn't be paying maintenance as well as DH?

468 replies

Mumoftwo88 · 26/04/2013 21:31

My DH has a daughter with his exW aged 8 and we have two children together aged 2 and 4. His exW claims maintenance from him and he pays it every month without fail at £250.00. She has recently just become unemployed and whilst I sympathise with her I cannot understand why she is now claiming that he should be paying more and if needs be it should be paid through my earnings. (Her words)

She seems to think that because our household has two incomes coming in then we are wadded. We're not. From my earnings I have the mortgage to pay, bills to pay for this household, a food shop to pay for, a car to run, and 3 children to provide for, including DSD when she stays here.

And I have a family holiday to pay for. I'd like to think we can have some luxuries without some woman trying to screw money out of me just because I happen to be the partner of her exH.

Now don't get me wrong I know it is important that DSD is provided for, but that is where my DH's maintenance payments come in and I make sure she is ok when she is here. At the end of the day I'm not some meal ticket to this woman.

Aibu?

OP posts:
thistlelicker · 27/04/2013 13:36

Lucy did U not read the part that said dsd is going on the family holiday?

thistlelicker · 27/04/2013 13:37

If if op is willing to contribute to extras without giving the money directly to dsd mum. How exactly is she missing out?

Lucyellensmum95 · 27/04/2013 13:37

WTAF??? Has someone suggested that the mother has to let the child come and live with her father because she is finding herself in financial difficulties - really????? Angry Maybe she would prefer to be with her MOTHER - the one that didn't walk away from her in the first place - unfuckingbelievable

Lucyellensmum95 · 27/04/2013 13:38

£250 a month to raise a child??? wow - i mean, the greedy bitch

FoxyRoxy · 27/04/2013 13:39

Yanbu he is the father of their child and she is the mother, it is their responsibility to provide for her, not yours. I would never expect my xh's wife to pay towards ds upkeep.

BruthasTortoise · 27/04/2013 13:40

Lucy we have no idea what the circumstances of the split are, we have no idea how much contact the DF has or whether the child is equally happy in both homes so how do you get the the DF walked away from his child?

Arisbottle · 27/04/2013 13:40

My husband has always paid way in excess of £250 a month and has not mortgage to pay, would never call her a greedy bitch. Being a good father he wants his son to have the same standard of living that we enjoy.

Lucyellensmum95 · 27/04/2013 13:40

maybe the ex is struggling to keep a roof over her and her DD's head - so it is pretty obvious to me that she will be missing out, so the OP and her DH take the child on holidays and buy her shoes - maybe her mother is struggling to meet every day needs.

Lucyellensmum95 · 27/04/2013 13:41

Well i assume the DH earns more than £250 a month - i think that is a paltry amount to contribute to his child.

BruthasTortoise · 27/04/2013 13:41

And £580 per month is a sum most people would consider as reasonable for a child's expenses.

fedupofnamechanging · 27/04/2013 13:43

The other thing to remember is that none of us are immune from divorce and ending up a single parent. OP, potentially you could one day be where the ex wife is now. Can you honestly say you would be happy if the father of your children one day has more dc with someone else, thereby affecting the level of child support he has to pay for the dc he had with you and that you would just accept raising your kids on benefits, while he pays you the minimum he has to?

thistlelicker · 27/04/2013 13:44

We don't know what effort exw is making to get another job or is she just interested in getting more money from exh? She could be bitter over split n not happy exh has moved on! While its sad she lost job, she has to be seen to make effort and not expect step mum to make up the odds

GirlOutNumbered · 27/04/2013 13:46

Why are people shouting about £250. It's only his share, she is actually expected to provide the other half! DHpays his share of a child's expenses, not for all of it.

GirlOutNumbered · 27/04/2013 13:47

My husband pays about that for DSS. It's worked out because he spends nearly half of the year with us too, whereby we obviously provide for him.

BruthasTortoise · 27/04/2013 13:48

Karma the OPs children have probably resulted in about a £10 per week deduction in the maintenance payments. If the OP is receiving CTC for her DC they would be taken in to account in the maintenance equation as income, it could well balance out

SoupDragon · 27/04/2013 13:50

The mother lost her job she did not simply jack it all in with the intention of sponging off her XH and his new family. It's not like she made a choice!

Madmum24 · 27/04/2013 13:54

I was the child in this situation; I can remember my Mum not having enough money to get my glasses fixed, and my Dad saying "Your Mother will just have to learn to manage her money better".........

I think when people get together and one already has children, a financial agreement has to be worked out. That way no hard feelings will arise when an emergency like this occurs. eg OP your finances should be split with your husband, he pays X into the kitty and you pay Y. If he cannot meet the payments he should be looking for extra ways to get more money, second job etc it shouldn't fall back onto you to meet HIS shortfall. It really is up to him to step up to the plate.

BruthasTortoise · 27/04/2013 13:59

Madmum the shortfall is the child's expenses are coming from the ex, should the onus not be on her to meet her share?

dayshiftdoris · 27/04/2013 14:00

Sorry to hijack...

But I get £126 a month yet my ex works full time, his wife works full time and their house is paid for... They are having a fucking laugh arent they?

greendental · 27/04/2013 14:01

We don't know what effort exw is making to get another job or is she just interested in getting more money from exh?

I'm sure she's just relishing finding herself unemployed and the worry and uncertainty it brings. Why should she bother getting a job when she can live on jsa and a whopping £250 a month maintenance - she's got it made!

Seriously, I wonder what planet some posters live on.

classifiedinformation · 27/04/2013 14:02

£250 not much?? I only get £200 pm for my 8 yr old dd, this is despite the fact that my exh has recently had a large pay rise!

However, all CSA claims end in Oct when things are changing, maintenance will have to be organised between parents and if a mediator is required the NRP has to pay the fee. So any claims the xw makes now will have to be rearranged come Oct. (I found this out from the CAB btw).

thistlelicker · 27/04/2013 14:06

Some people are happier not working!!!! Like I said who knows what exw is thinking or doing! For all we know she may be thinking step mum is cash horse and needs to make it up! Who knows!!!

thistlelicker · 27/04/2013 14:07

We don't know if its all amicable do we? It's all good is all giving opinions but nit all facts available

Loulybelle · 27/04/2013 14:21

i get £147 for a 5 yr old, and thats it, he hasnt had her over night since december, he will pay a pittance in extra and no more.

Fleecyslippers · 27/04/2013 14:32

'And I have a family holiday to pay for. I'd like to think we can have some luxuries without some woman trying to screw money out of me just because I happen to be the partner of her exH.'

What an ugly attitude. The thing that never ceases to amaze me on MN is that new partners expect to participate in EVERY aspect of a childs life, regardless of the feelings of the childs mother.
Except of course support them financially. Oh no - now that's a part of step parenting that is very much an optional extra.