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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not feel guilty at all about not giving my friend a lift?

67 replies

DaisyDukeShorts · 26/04/2013 18:52

A friend who as soon as she got a boyfriend I never saw again, and when she had a baby I saw even less of her.

A friend who when I do rarely see never once asks about me. (I'm not asking for hours upon hours of talking about my life, but a general how are you? would be nice)

So when a friend invites us all to dinner at her house next week to celebrate a new job promotion and said friend sends a FB message out to all of us going asking for one of us to drive her there and back and I and seemingly everyone else ignores it.

Aibu to not feel guilty in the slightest?

OP posts:
diddl · 26/04/2013 19:49

Depends on her circs & where everyone is in relation to everyone else as to whether asking is totally unreasonable to ask.

thefirstmrsrochester · 26/04/2013 19:59

maybe none of the other people she messaged on facebook fancied driving?

given the opportunity for a wee evening out, I would always plan my own transport.

OHforDUCKScake · 26/04/2013 20:01

Maybe. Maybe thats why no one replied. Rather than it 'speaking volumes' as the OP suggested.

Original poster
DaisyDukeShorts · 26/04/2013 20:05

Whoever drove would have to drive out of their way to pick her up.

Everyone is driving there, but some will be sharing lifts I'm assuming.

OP posts:
LemonBreeland · 26/04/2013 20:08

yanbu if everyone elsr has ignored it that says a lot.

Also if it is out of the way for people it is rude to ask.

LemonBreeland · 26/04/2013 20:09

yanbu if everyone elsr has ignored it that says a lot.

Also if it is out of the way for people it is rude to ask.

OHforDUCKScake · 26/04/2013 20:24

And it just so happens that all 8 people live in the same place but this one girl lives out the way?

The more you write, the more I feel for your friend.

expatinscotland · 26/04/2013 20:25

'Really? If a whole bunch of people were going, your supposed friends, and a few of them were driving you wouldnt think to go with them too? You'd rather pay for a taxi?'

If a whole bunch of us are going, generally no one's driving because they all drink. I have nice, drunk friends.

expatinscotland · 26/04/2013 20:26

If you don't fancy it, OP, then don't.

Original poster
DaisyDukeShorts · 26/04/2013 20:35

I never said we live in the same area - because we don't. But you know which direction people will come from.

And Duck you've had it in for me from the start. You are probably one of those people that dropped their friends as soon as she had a boyfriend too.

Fortunately I don't have the word doormat stamped across my head.

OP posts:
Callycat · 26/04/2013 20:40

"Really? If a whole bunch of people were going, your supposed friends, and a few of them were driving you wouldnt think to go with them too? You'd rather pay for a taxi?"

I would, yes - rather than inconvenience my friends. It's my choice not to drive, and I don't wish my (very nice) friends to be impacted by that choice.

maddening · 26/04/2013 20:42

It's up to you but if you don't feel guilty why are you posting and trying to justify it?

You don't need to justify it, it does seem petty if it isn't out of your way.

Good friendships generally ime outlast these periods of life where each or either party is preoccupied but if that is a deal breaker for you that's your choice - others are more patient and forgiving of their friends. Good friends can go through those periods and meet up and it is like you never left .

OHforDUCKScake · 26/04/2013 21:09

Im not one of those people who 'drops my friends'

I am however, one of those people who doesnt see my friends anywhere near aa much as Id like to as demands of family life get in the way. Luckily for me, my friends are amazing and understand that.

Im also one of those people who understand that its normal for someone to see me less if they are in a new relationship.

She didnt drop you at all, she saw you less.

I havent 'had it in for you' from the start, Im just seeing it from the other side because Im there.

Not that any of my friends would refuse to help me get to a place if it meant a rare night out. Thankfully they are good friends.

MidniteScribbler · 26/04/2013 22:38

Why bother asking when you've already made up your mind?

Original poster
DaisyDukeShorts · 26/04/2013 22:47

it does seem petty if it isn't out of your way

It is out of my way. To take her there and back would potentially be 40-45 minutes.

OP posts:
Original poster
DaisyDukeShorts · 26/04/2013 22:54

Not that any of my friends would refuse to help me get to a place if it meant a rare night out. Thankfully they are good friends

She has a partner who drives, and they live in his mothers house. Therefore there is someone to watch the baby.

And by your definition I'm a shit friend.

That even though I was half way across the way visiting a sick relative I still managed to send her a card and a present when she had her baby.

I then get home after 4 months and visit her straight away to show her that meeting her baby was a priority. She did not once ask me about my time away.

That same week a friend had a birthday meal. She couldn't go so I drove 20 minutes out of way just so she could go. She kept me waiting 15 minutes sat outside.

I started taking anti-depressants, had a bad break-up. She probably doesn't even know if we are still together or not because she never asked.

I'm finally in a good place in my life and I'm sick of being treated like a doormat. I go out of my way to help my friends, so don't accuse me of being a shit uncaring person when you know nothing about my life.

OP posts:
saulaboutme · 26/04/2013 23:08

Err cheeky mare, there's an invention called a cab....ignore, ignore and ignore. You're cabbing it, have afew bevvies and let her fucking sort herself out..... Sorry...liberties!

TheSecondComing · 26/04/2013 23:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LemonPeculiarJones · 26/04/2013 23:20

OHforDUCKScake your posts have been a bit weirdly frothing. Are you pissed? Grin Or has this really touched a nerve for you or something?

OP YANBU to not give her a lift. You're not responsible for her and it sounds like she hasn't been there for you in the past.

Jewcy · 26/04/2013 23:23

OHforDUCKScake, why are you hounding the OP? I agree with Lemon: you have a serious axe to grind.

Original poster
DaisyDukeShorts · 26/04/2013 23:27

wrt trophies relationship

??

I don't have pent up fury Second ... I just don't appreciate passive comments implying that I'm a bad friend.

I definitely am in a better place now. Finally moved on after a bad relationship and other bad things, and have started a new job and doing something so my child can be proud of having me as a mum Smile

OP posts:
OHforDUCKScake · 26/04/2013 23:31

Drip, drip, drip.

Lemon no not drunk, but yes it has touched a nerve. I mentioned before that I feel like Im in the OP's friends position.

Jewcy I am by no means hounding the OP. Im simply not agreeing with her and God forbid seeing it from her friends perspective.

The last time I checked we were in AIBU.

Ive not been insulting, Ive not been sweary, Ive not been drunk (!), Ive not been bitchy or ragey. Ive simply been replying to the OP.

OHforDUCKScake · 26/04/2013 23:34

DaisyDukes how old is your friends baby?

usualsuspect · 26/04/2013 23:34

it wouldn't hurt to give her a lift would it?

why are people so bloody unkind.

LemonPeculiarJones · 26/04/2013 23:34

Nah. You were OTT DUCKs But you know you're projecting due to your own experience.

OP has made it clear that her 'friend' was self-absorbed, never asked her about herself etc, then dropped out of her life as soon as she found a boyfriend. Is that what you did to your friend? If not, then you don't really have a point.

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