I can't cope with my new grandson's name

[BellydanceMary]

Today is my daughters 28th birthday so i'm full of happy memories of her birth. However last week she gave birth to her own son who she has named after her father. After many years of being a single parent and remaining reasonably amicable with her father I find myself overwhelmed by feelings of rejection. The whole of my parenting is in question.

My reasonable head says get over it but I find I can't even say his name, which is a very common name. Everyone wants to know my grandson's name and I can't bare to speak it.

My feelings are so raw I don't know where to put them. It all seems very petty to other people.

[NoPartyDay]

Bottom line is this single mum (OP) has been amicable to her XP in the past, so was previously glossing over/denying any residual negative feelings towards her XP, for the sake of a good relationship for her daughter to her Dad.
So, maybe that's why its so hard now. It was never fully expressed and may feel kinda silly but the XP's name is bringing forth these denied emotions . Everyone's different, and we are all human. x

[bedhaven]

I appreciate this is hard for you, perhaps it goes to show that despite your feelings towards your ex that you never coloured your daughters view of her father. That is how it should be IMHO and wholly commendable.

My parents split and then Dad died a long time ago, my son has his name as a middle name to remember him and to include him. I hope my Mum isn't hurt by this, it is only testament to her actions that I had a relationship with my Dad and have fond memories. Using his name gives a "feeling" of closeness to my Dad. With my Mum, I don't need to create a connection it's there already.

Saying that, my Mum wasn't keen on our sons first name....it's the same as a neighbour of hers who they had a run in over our old dog 20 odd years ago! I wish she'd never told me as I hate to think she didn't like his name. I'm sure my sweet boy has overridden any unpleasant associations.

I know it's harder when it's someone closer but your DGS will make this name his own. Change the picture that is linked to the name to a new one, mentally tear up the old picture and put it in the bin. The new picture is a delightful boy, much more pleasant to look at. You're in this picture, right by his side.

[CinnabarRed]

Bit harsh to criticise the OP's DD as thoughtless. The OP herself characterised her relationship with XH as amicable and has been sideswiped by the strength of her negative feelings towards the name - there's no way on earth the DD could have predicted the OP's reaction, particularly as it's a common name that must crop up for OP in RL all the time.

[samandi]

Wow, that's incredibly insensitive of your daughter. Not petty at all.

[TheRealFellatio]

well, quite CinnabarRed. I am finding some of the reactions to this non problem quite worrying. Some people seem to be seeing the words 'exH' and 'divorce' and automatically projecting onto them some hugely traumatic (imagined) backstory where the H was an awful abusive pig and the OP was the heroic victim. We know nothing of the sort. All we know is that two people divorced, they maintained an amicable relationship for their children, and the daughter has a good relationship with her father.

I fail to see how there is a huge issue of betrayal and insensitivity here. I can understand that the OP may be struggling with a slightly irrational reaction, but that's just it - it is an irrational reaction. To foist the blame onto the daughter and call her insensitive is grossly unfair.

[mrsjay]

I don't think the dd is heartless or insensitve to her mum I think the DD idolises her dad and the OP is gutted as she seemed to be main carer as a single parent for the dd, and the name sticks in her throat which is understandable imo, sometimes absent parents are hero worshipped by children arn't they , OP just try and get over this and celebrate your new grand son regardless of his name

[newgirl]

Hang on - your daughter has had a baby and you are making this all about you and your feelings? You sound self-centred tbh

Jeez stop moaning and go and make her a lasagne

[Astley]

I think it says something when the DD is called 'insensitive' for using the name she wanted for her own child she called him after her Father, whom at one point the OP loved enough to marry and have a child with.

Heaven forbid, maybe her Father has been such a good Father to her she wanted to honour him. But no, it must be that the OP allowed her to have such a good relationship with her Father, that really, it's a compliment to the OP wtf?!

[Asheth]

I'm quite surprised to hear so many people say that the DD was insensitive. It's hardly unusual to name a DS after your dad. One of my DSs has my Dad's name as a middle name. My parents are still together, but he would be no less my Dad if they'd separated. This child is not named after the OP's Ex. He's named after the mother's Dad.

[diddl]

Well I think for some people it is unusual & for some it isn't tbh.

If I'd done it for example, it would have been the first in living memory!

My son does have the same middle name as his father my FIL though-we carried on with that-although wouldn't have done if I hadn't liked the name.

Won't really care if son has a son & doesn't do it though.

[SooticaTheWitchesCat]

It must be hard for you but I think you need to start calling your grandson by his name, not shortening it or adding Bob to the end. After a while you will begin to associate the name with your grandson and not your ex.

It will be hard for a while but soon enough it wont worry you any more.

[samandi]

well, quite CinnabarRed. I am finding some of the reactions to this non problem quite worrying. Some people seem to be seeing the words 'exH' and 'divorce' and automatically projecting onto them some hugely traumatic (imagined) backstory where the H was an awful abusive pig and the OP was the heroic victim.

I haven't assumed anything of the kind.

[soundevenfruity]

DS did just that despite all the grief he gave them and DM loved her grandson dearly. Just give it time. You will love him and if you won't let it it won't affect your relationships with him. DM was a very wise woman and amazing this way.

[LadyBeagleEyes]

I don't understand either Op.
And I'm divorced, it wasn't amicable at the time though it's fine now.
My ds loves his Dad, if he wanted to use his name, I would just think how pleased my ex would be.

[Borntobeamum]

My friend has just had a baby boy and given him the name -
Double barrelled at that.....


Lord-Luca.

[TheRealFellatio]

so samedi how do you justify this?

Wow, that's incredibly insensitive of your daughter. Not petty at all.

[WorrySighWorrySigh]

The OP's daughter will have known what her father was called. The thing is that to her that isnt her name for him. I guess that like most daughters she will have called her father 'Dad' or something similar.

[samandi]

so samedi how do you justify this?

Because it seems bloody obvious that if they're separated and the daughter's mother has been the primary carer it seems like a kick in the face. A rather unnecessary one, given how many male names there are in the world.

Perhaps I'm just more emotionally intelligent than some people

[samandi]

To add, I don't mean the daughter has done it maliciously ... just that she clearly hasn't thought it out.

[2rebecca]

If couples separate women are usually the main carers. I think it's sad you assume all divorced women would feel upset if one of their children named their son after their father. They chose to father a child with that man after all. Many divorced women aren't that spiteful and would be glad their child has a good bond with their father. Many divorces are instigated by women anyway.
As a divorced woman to me it isn't at all obvious that years later we should be pining for our exhusbands and unable to cope with a grandchild having the same name as him.

[OTTMummA]

I think she probably has thought it through,, it being a very important task, naming your first baby and all that!
Why is it a kick in the face? Clearly they had an amicable relationship, I think its lovely to use family names tbh, why shouldn't the DD use it?
Or is this like when mothers guilt their children into not inviting their dads to weddings etc just because they don't want them involved ( reads think only they get to enjoy the nice bits of having children)
The ops relationship with her ex is completely separate from the DDs relationship with her dad.
She should be able to have a guilt free relationship with him, and to also be able to call her son whatever she likes!

I still think the op put this here so her DD or a friend would see it tbh, which makes me all sneery.

[WorrySighWorrySigh]

The OP's daughter has two parents, not just the OP. Why should she have to not choose her DF's name?

I am afraid I would have nothing but contempt for any GP expressing dislike of a brand new DGC's name in any way likely to come back to the parents. GP's have had their chance to choose names with their own children. Commenting anything but positively on the names chosen by their DCs is an impertinence.

[LadyBeagleEyes]

More emotionally intelligent Samandi?
You just sound bitter.

[MortifiedAdams]

OP she had a boy. If she had a girl she might have used your name?

"Can't cope" makes you sound a bit mad tbh - there is a healthy baby boy in this world, your dd has become a mother and you a grandmother. Pull yourself together.