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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have cancelled DD's birthday cake?

48 replies

ali23 · 24/04/2013 18:10

My MIL and I have a fair enough relationship. But everything feels like a competition. The latest episode has left me really pissed off but I do feel a little ungrateful. DD is about to turn 6. I've promised a home made cake that she 'designed'. MIL came in tonight to tell me she took it upon herself to order.a cake today. Everything is a competition - all the time. At Christmas she runs out in October to start buying anything kids have asked for - including things that we have said no to that she has went ahead with regardless(TV for bedroom which was a no-no). Anyway there is enough time to cancel cake order. I'm shite at baking but want to try for DD. have also bought in all the stuff. Am I being a cow?

OP posts:
dexter73 · 24/04/2013 18:11

I would just have both cakes.

JammySplodger · 24/04/2013 18:11

No, you're not being a cow. I'd have done the same.

JammySplodger · 24/04/2013 18:12

What cake are you going to make?

HazeltheMcWitch · 24/04/2013 18:14

Not being a cow, no.
Could you have a conversation about boundaries? Or would this just lead to more blow-ups?
Does your DH 'get' why this is pissing you off?

sleeplessbunny · 24/04/2013 18:15

Are you sure it's a competition or does it just feel that way? She might just be trying to spoil her grandchildren and going a bit OTT. Have you (or your DH) actually discussed it with her?

tumbletumble · 24/04/2013 18:15

This is a relatively minor one so maybe let her win, but I would be seriously pissed off about the TV.

TigOldBitties · 24/04/2013 18:15

I think instead of cancelling the cake you need to have a talk with her about ordering it in the first place and the behaviour you've described.

Involve your DH, and insist on changes.

CocacolaMum · 24/04/2013 18:15

you've bought the stuff. You could just accidentally drop her cake.. hehe

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 24/04/2013 18:16

Yanbu. My Mum does this ALL the time. Cancel the cake and make your own.

aldiwhore · 24/04/2013 18:21

It saddens me that I can't tell my mum 'normal' things any more, as she goes into overdrive.

It's not so much competition with her, rather she tries to think FOR me rather than of me!! Drove me potty for years, until I stopped telling her much of anything.

If I do tell her anything now it's with eyes wide open. I use it to my advantage.

We get on a lot better, I'm a lot less 'miffed' - living in permanent miftness is no fun - and there are still things to talk about.

I think you need to do the same, but make sure your DH is on board too!

diddl · 24/04/2013 18:30

Did her MIL do this to her?

Not that it would make it right of course.

In some ways it does sound petty-but she's had her turn at sorting out bdays for her children-why does she get to do it for GC as well?

If OP lets MIL do it all-when's her turn??!!

seriouscakeeater · 24/04/2013 18:45

Cancel her cake.

My MIL is very similar to her other grandchildren, I'm dreading when my DD arrives because we are going to have a boundaries battle.

This boils down to the fact she thinks her will is more important than the mothers. That her DGC will/do love her more than their own mother Hmm

What did you do with the tv? I would have sent it back. There should never be a time when some one else rides rough shot over you and DH. You need to say her cake isn't needed as you and DD have actually all ready discussed the cake dd wants. So what if your cake is crap..let DD help too, let her go crazy on it.

It really isn't about 'winning battles' or 'having a turn', DD is your child, so what you say goes.

Believe me if you don't nip it in the bud now it will never change, seen my sil go through 17 years worth of shit with it.

Original poster
ali23 · 24/04/2013 18:55

The TV was left at MIL's. Last Christmas I spoke to her as she had just gone OTT and had bought stuff we just didn't want. Trouble is while DH agrees to an extent he also thinks I'm ungrateful. I just want to parent my own kids.

OP posts:
batfuttocks · 24/04/2013 19:18

Cancel the cake. You have arranged it already and she didn't check with you first: it is not what you or your dd want. Don't bow to her.

ChasedByBees · 24/04/2013 19:22

Cancel it definitely. You've already promised a home made cake to her design which will be so much more fun. Set your boundaries.

IneedAsockamnesty · 24/04/2013 19:23

Is the design dd has done one that mil's cake could be turned into with some creative cutting and icing?

It may be a life saver if your as shite at baking as I am.

seriouscakeeater · 24/04/2013 19:24

My MIL is exactly the same. In future I would let her know well in advance what you are doing and discuss what she 'wants' to do (within reason)

Stand your ground. Lavishing gifts of young children is not healthy as it sets them up for over exceeding expectations.

I all ready have a dd who is 18 with a fantastic ex mil so I know the difference, Mil should be there to support not undermine, my exmil is lovely. My current MIL is another kettle of fish and i'm preparing to put my boxing gloves on and go all mamma bear when this dd comes!

willowstar · 24/04/2013 19:26

I would definitely cancel the cake, no questions asked.

Fudgemallowdelight · 24/04/2013 19:32

I'd probably just have two cakes. The TV thing is annoying. My mum bought curtains for the nursery when i was pregnant with dd1. Which was nice, but i prefer to pick my own curtains for my own home funnily enough so they went back.

MyDarlingClementine · 24/04/2013 19:41

seriouscakeeater

Really good post.

We had some of this to begin with - thankfully nipped it in the bud.

I can understand why they are excited - making cakes but by same token, do they not think the actual mother may like to do a cake>

I feel so sorry for you - with your cake ingredients worrying about whether to make your own dd a bloody cake! how sad?! You should be excited about it.

Anyway this isnt about you its about your own DD excitement at HER cake on HER birthday

" Hi MIl,
So sorry but other cake needs to be cancelled, DD has chosen her own cake this year and I we are going with that, thanks for thinking of her though, but I would not want to under mine her or make her think her own choice of cake on her own birthday wasn't ok - for her...when its her choice!"

Confused
batfuttocks · 24/04/2013 20:07

I get similar (though not yet as extreme) "help" and "gifts" from mil. I do try to be grateful and accepting but find she steps on my toes at times (for example, christening gown for the as yet unborn dd!).

I think you are very justified in saying, kindly, what others have suggested: thank you so much for trying to help. Actually, dd has asked me to bake for her this year and I have bought everything in so she can have the cake she has asked for. (Perhaps you could come up with something she can provide for you instead, as a compromise?)

Good luck - it's a minefield.

Dozer · 24/04/2013 20:17

You are not being ungrateful, MIL is overstepping boundaries and your H should deal with it rather than trying to get you to put up with it by labelling you "ungrateful".

crashdoll · 24/04/2013 20:25

For the cake situation, YABU. Why can't DD have 2 cakes?

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 24/04/2013 20:29

2 cakes is over the top and unnecessary. A birthday means a special cake...note the "a" there...ONE cake.

Why not let the kid have 4 or 5? Then everyone who wants to can offer one without being offended?

The little girl of course, will never appreciate a home made cake when she's inundated with them.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 24/04/2013 20:31

So OP....tell MIL no thank you we have chosen to make one and DD has designed it...I've got the stuff and I'm looking forward to making it.

If MIL suggests two cakes again be firm...no...one cake is enough...do NOT apologise. Her cake was not invited.

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