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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have cancelled DD's birthday cake?

48 replies

ali23 · 24/04/2013 18:10

My MIL and I have a fair enough relationship. But everything feels like a competition. The latest episode has left me really pissed off but I do feel a little ungrateful. DD is about to turn 6. I've promised a home made cake that she 'designed'. MIL came in tonight to tell me she took it upon herself to order.a cake today. Everything is a competition - all the time. At Christmas she runs out in October to start buying anything kids have asked for - including things that we have said no to that she has went ahead with regardless(TV for bedroom which was a no-no). Anyway there is enough time to cancel cake order. I'm shite at baking but want to try for DD. have also bought in all the stuff. Am I being a cow?

OP posts:

Blu · 24/04/2013 20:38

Clementine 's message to MIL.

You can't just cancel someone else's order, and best to actually communicate rather than continue a passive aggressive war.

CheshireDing · 24/04/2013 20:40

YANBU, you can't break a promise you made to DD that you would make her cake so surely that is the end of it and the MIL cake has to be cancelled

We went to a 40th last year and his Wife had made a cake (as expected because she is his Wife/they have lived together for years/he hasn't lived at home for God knows how long/he is 40 etc etc). In the garden his Wife presented him with a cake then MIL popped up with one at the same time "Wife said ooh might one are you going to cut first?". Somebody we were stood next to said "that's a bit of situation" and started laughing. It was all a bit awkward and weird.

Nip it in the bud now before DD is 40

MyShoofly · 24/04/2013 20:45

I would be pissed. Isn't it common for a mum to want to make their own kid a special cake? I do every year for mine. She should have asked. I'd tell her this in a polite but straightforward manner.

Tell her to take hers home and enjoy it with her freinds or with your DD if she goes over to visit....or you could make hers the adult cake - I always make a boring sheet cake for the adults and an interesting theme cake for the kids.

My own mum by the by is similarly competitive and it is irritating to say the least.

MyShoofly · 24/04/2013 20:47

There is no way that TV would have gotten in my kids room BTW - it would have been handed right back to her or she would have been advised it will be used in some other part of the house at parents discretion.

raisah · 24/04/2013 20:54

the problem to cancelling the cake is if your cake doesnt turn out right your MIL mighr remind you about how her cake would have saved the day etc. If only you didnt cancel it etc & how your dd has lost out etc. I would keep the cake order but do a little family tea party at the in-laws so dd can cut MILs cake. Then at home cut your cake as part of your dds main birthday celebrations. Is she having some friends round for tea? Then after the birthday mention that you appreciated her ordering the cake but would prefer it if she ran it past you first to avoid ckashes etc. You need to handle it diplomatically so you preserve your good relationship but introduce sone boundaries as well.

ChasedByBees · 24/04/2013 21:00

So she needs to keep an unwanted cake in case she screws up?

How about the far more likely scenario that the cake making will go fine and even if not perfect will look like a cake made with love and taste fab. If she did start a 'told you so' smugathon then I would tell her that was rude at that time rather than pandering to that possibility in the first place.

There's absolutely no way I would organise a second party to honour the second unwanted cake! Boundaries people! It is possible to preserve a relationship and be assertive about what is acceptable to you.

Original poster

ali23 · 24/04/2013 21:06

Thanks for all the feedback.

OP posts:

diddl · 24/04/2013 21:10

I agree with Chased.

DewDr0p · 24/04/2013 21:20

Sympathies OP. My own mil used to be like this too - for ds's first Christmas she not only bought him a vile stocking but an even worse scratchy polyester Christmas pudding outfit to wear too. (I "saved" the outfit for him to wear to bed at their house as I was sure she'd want to see him in it lol, it was kind of babygroish)

I don't think you are unreasonable to cancel the cake. You definitely get first dibs on birthday cake making!

Bramshott · 24/04/2013 21:23

I don't think you can cancel a cake your MIL has ordered.

Can't you just say "oh how kind, but we have a cake" when she produces it, and put it away in the kitchen?

MyDarlingClementine · 24/04/2013 21:25

We got hounded by FIL to come and pick a bloody cake MIL made - huge but with margarine icing or frosting?

Days were ruined because we couldnt get this bloody cake, I wanted to lobb it at the wall when it finally arrived, and then tasted of foul margarine.

I think making her DC cakes though was v special for her; I remember the reverence that FIL had when MIL brought out the book she used to make cakes from, it was very special for her - to give up her time to make these special cakes. then do fuck all else as a mother

seriouscakeeater · 24/04/2013 21:37

Op if ur cake fucks updosnt go to plan....

One year I was let down and the cake id ordered didn't turn up so I rushed to the shop and bought a large flan case and 3 tubs of Neapolitan ice cream, piled it in a huge pyre with some strawberries choc sauce, took it in to kids, they all sat there eating it with spoons lol. They loved it and all wanted a pic of them self's at the side of this huge icecream tower.

who cares if it messes up! memory building is best!

chansondumatin · 24/04/2013 21:44

My MIL can be like this and it pisses me off no end.

Told her I was going to bake a cake for DH's birthday in Jan this year and she still went ahead and made one of her own for him.

When I confronted her about it she said it 'wasn't meant as a birthday cake'! Er, so what was it then? A Burns Night cake? A belated New Year cake?

In the end I served up my own (very tasty) cake on his birthday and we had hers on the following day . Perhaps you could do the same? or share the ordered cake amongst the adults only and hide it from your DD?

shemademedoit · 24/04/2013 21:48

What about getting in touch with the cake maker and getting them to make the cake your DD has designed, but have your mil pay for it?

Hassled · 24/04/2013 21:48

If you do really have a "fair enough" relationship then you just need to sit down and talk to her about how it's making you feel. And the comparison with her MIL is a good one - mention her, ask how she got on with her, just to bring it back into her mind. Throw in lots of positives re how much DD loves her etc too for reassurance, but explain.

Cherriesarelovely · 24/04/2013 22:03

Completely understand. My ex MIL was just like this. I remember her turning up for one of Dd's party when she was about 3 and barging in early shouting "It's ok, I've bought a party outfit for her to wear" as if I wouldn't have!!!! There were so many examples similar to the ones you describe....buying things that I had expressly asked her not to such as Bratz dolls and DVDs. Aaaarrrrghhhhh!!!!

Anyway, yanbu, I would tell her, as nicely as you can manage. She will only stop doing it if you put your foot down a bit. Good luck though, I know it is not easy!

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 24/04/2013 22:20

No...there's no "problem" with the OPs cake possibly not being perfect. OP do NOT let this spoil your thing...if your cake looks like this one it DOES NOT matter...bring it out as though it was the best cake ever and be proud.

Cherriesarelovely · 24/04/2013 22:20

Fantastic link Neo!

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 24/04/2013 22:21

Shemademedoit...but why? WHY should the OP give up her cake making thing? Because her MIL is pushy? Nah....not reason enough.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 24/04/2013 22:22

Cherries yes...what a nightmare inducing thing that cake is!

shemademedoit · 25/04/2013 00:07

Why? Because OP said she was 'shite' at baking, and it may be a comprise. The question was what to do about the cake order. Obviously the question of what to do about the mil is a whole other kettle of fish...

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 25/04/2013 00:09

But she WANTS to try....that's what matters and the MIL was not asked to order the cake.

Springdiva · 25/04/2013 00:40

I don't like bought cakes, sickly icing and no flavour in the cake.

I hope your homemade turns out well as it will be delish by comparison (especially if you use melted chocolate on the top)

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