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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my PIL inviting people around to my house when I'm not there?

51 replies

Snufflebabe · 23/04/2013 18:36

PIL look after our DD a couple of days a week, which we are very very grateful for. Up until now (2 years) it has always taken place at their own house. I drop off and pick up after work.

We moved last week, and PIL asked to start bringing her back to our new house for her tea.

As much as I hate the thought of people being in my house when I'm not there, they are actually trying to help us as house is further away, so of course, I am happy to do whatever they wish.

I'm just home to be told they had SIL around to house and showed her around. SIL aren't close, she is a bone idle opinionated so and so, and asa such, would just rather she wasn't in my home when I wasn't there. PIL continue to push a relationship between us.

I'm hacked off that they think it's ok to have people in our home when we aren't there.

Im wary of saying anything as I know how lucky we are that they are able and happy to do so much childcare.

Do I put up and shut up? Do I nip this in the bud now?

OP posts:
MTSgroupie · 23/04/2013 19:32

Your title implied that your PIL was inviting round his Bridge Club and his friends from the allotment for tea and a chat in your house. Then I read that it was your SIL. I'm assuming that makes her his DD.

YABU. He is doing you a big favour. Bit silly to expect the man to sit there all day on his own simply because you don't want anyone, including your SIL, to visit the house.

SarahAndFuck · 23/04/2013 19:34

Hopefully that was a one off but if it happens more than this once you wouldn't be unreasonable to ask them not to do it again.

My PILs once called DH to check I would be out before they called in, because MIL thought she would have a nicer time in my home if I wasn't in it. There's a long history but this was quite shocking and hurtful, they were quite mean and manipulative in the way they did it. They were under the impression that our house was just as much theirs as ours, because their son was paying the mortgage.

And while BIL and SIL were on honeymoon, PILS had a party in their home and invited all the friends and neighbours to it so PILs could show off the wedding photos and video. BIL and SIL hadn't seen their own photo's by that point, but PILs opened the album and DVD when they were delivered and thought a party would be nice.

EeyoreIsh · 23/04/2013 19:34

chuck, she wanted to quickly show her the house! To be honest, I found it more amusing than anything else, and she wouldn't do it again!

reeling it's not identical, for sure. But at the end of the day, it's my home for me to invite others too. Not for others with keys to invite others around without agreeing it with me (or the op!) first.

IneedAsockamnesty · 23/04/2013 19:43

Yanbu.

You do not invite people into other people's houses without asking first no matter what favour you are doing them.

YellowTulips · 23/04/2013 19:44

YANBU

About 15 years ago (previous house, ex partner) I took a day to work from home. Started work early (in jim jams!) and decided to get a shower and finally take a break at lunchtime.

As I was in the shower I heard noises in the house and people talking. I wondered for a minute if I had forgotten the day and if it was the cleaner. Realised that wasn't it and I started to get quite frightened.

The voices got louder and I could hear people talking in my bedroom (i was in the ensuite, rather than house bathroom). I quickly got out of the shower and pulled the only available small towel round me - I had left my dressing gown in my bedroom as I wasn't expecting company.

Grabbing the only "weapon" I could find I emerged from the bathroom like a soggy half naked ninja brandishing a can of deodorant (mace style!), only to find my ex-partners mother giving 4 of her friends a guideded tour of "her son's" house (I found later he had given her a set of keys for emergency purposes).

As I recall my response what "what the fuck do you think you are doing? Actually I don't care - get the hell out my home" whilst trying to maintain any remaining shred of dignity by grabbing my dressing gown and stopping brandishing my weapon at five "terribly posh" women in their 60's who were more shocked by my language than their behaviour.

Of course I was being unreasonable according to ex-P by swearing at his mother who "had a perfect right to visit his home when she wanted" (joint mortgage, joint payment btw). One of the many reasons he is my ex - but lots more stories like this!!!

YellowTulips · 23/04/2013 19:51

Should have added, it was all my fault because I was a "slattern" for not having a shower until lunchtime - anyone properly brought up would be showered, dressed an ready to receive "guests" by 8am - any day of the week Hmm

purrpurr · 23/04/2013 19:53

Oh god YANBU.

My PIL have been stirring gossip between me and my SIL (their other DIL) for 5 years yet at the same time they are genuinely upset that we're not buddies. We were away recently and my PIL had a good look round the house, passed on compliments to my DH about the upstairs decor, never said anything to me as if it is just his house. Never mind that I decorated the entire floor. If they'd had my SIL around I would have gone ballistic!

malteserzz · 23/04/2013 19:56

Wouldn't bother me at all , she popped round to see her inlaws and niece and had a look round ! Can't see the problem

AgentProvocateur · 23/04/2013 19:57

It's your child's aunt - hardly a random stranger. Maybe she wanted to see her niece without you there, as I'm sure she can sense your disapproval if your nasty description of her on here is anything to go by.

Alligatorpie · 23/04/2013 20:00

Sounds like a lucky escape Tulips! Imagine if you had kids with ths man!

Op i think yabu, they are helping you out, it was your child's aunt who came to visit. If you don't like it, pay for childcare and do drop offs / pick ups. And ask for your key back.

eggsandwich · 23/04/2013 20:02

My Mil announced to my Dh and I that she had invited her hairdresser around to ours, as she was on holiday in the area, told Mil to unarrange it.

DontSHOUTTTTTT · 23/04/2013 20:04

I would wait and see if it happens again and if it does I would ask my DH to deal with it. You are getting FREE childcare. It would be a shame to spoil that. Just think about the huge amount of money and hassle they have saved you and try to accept they won't always do everything to your liking.

So.... YABU (but only if it was a one off Smile )

BerylStreep · 23/04/2013 20:10

My PILS don't have keys. In fact they don't have the code to the gates Grin.

OP, I don't think YABU, but you will need to tread carefully in managing this.

mrsdinklage · 23/04/2013 20:11

SarahandFuck YellowTulips Shock just Shock
OP - my x SIL was a bitch from hell if anyone had let her in my house I would have gone ballistic. She also went behind my back at nursery to have contact with my dd - but I put a stop to that Grin

AllSWornOut · 23/04/2013 20:18

Well, having lovely (I mean it!) PILs who nonetheless use the excuse of doing us a favour to invade our privacy, I would say YANBU. Particularly as yours apparently know that you and other DIL don't get on well.

It is the only thing over which DH and I don't see eye to eye but it drives me round the bend. But it's difficult to complain when they've "just popped by this morning" (while we were at work) to drop off some cake/a book DMIL thought I might like to read/some other random thing. It seems so ungrateful even though they will also have had a nosey round (DMIL: Oh, you got a new bed! It's nice. Me: Shock Confused DMIL: Oh don't worry, I didn't go in, I just saw it on the way to the toilet. Me thinking: but you don't go past our bedroom to get to the toilet and the toilet hasn't been cleaned for a month)

So yeah, YADNBU.

Heebiejeebie · 23/04/2013 20:22

Blimey. I think you're being totally unreasonable. And all the stories of people letting themselves in to have a poke around are completely irrelevant. Your PILs were there at your request to look after their grandchild for free - it seems that there 'families muck in' attitude extends to their other DIL. Fingers crossed they and she were happy for her to look round without advance written permission because they didn't realise that you dislike her so.

Happyasapiginshite · 23/04/2013 22:30

My PIL were staying in our house to be near the holspital where FIL was receiving treatment while we were away on holidays. In the course of a phone call to MIL, she told me that SIL (DH's sister) was coming up to stay in our house for the night. SIL lives 35 min drive from us, no reason why she couldn't drive home again after but she and MIL love to get pissed I got off the phone, stewed and seethed and then phoned her back to say I wasn't happy with SIL staying while we weren't there. I'm sure she's still talking about what a bitch I am, but I can live with that.

OP, YANBU, but be gentle with MIL because some people just don't have the same boundries as others so she might not understand that it's not ok to show people around someone's home when they're not there.

thebody · 23/04/2013 22:42

Beware beware of pissing them off and loosing your free childcare.!!!!

TigerSwallowTail · 23/04/2013 23:01

Yanbu, it's not like they invited her round to see your dd, which they could have easily arranged by saying "we're going to invite other dil round to see dneice, is that ok?" Instead they invited her round, without mentioning to you first, to have a nosy about your house.

YellowDinosaur · 23/04/2013 23:09

Happyasapiginshite while i'm on the fence about the op unless there is some serious back story you've neglected to mention yabu. Your sil wanted to stay to keep her Mum company while her husband was having hospital treatment and you said no Shock Really???

TigerSwallowTail · 23/04/2013 23:51

yellow I think the SIL is op's brother in law's wife, so pil's are not dil's dad and mum.

TigerSwallowTail · 23/04/2013 23:52

Nevermind, I just realised you were talking about someone else.

Thumbwitch · 23/04/2013 23:59

YANBU.
My MIL seems to think that it's perfectly ok for her to invite her friends along to our house, even to DS's birthday parties, without bothering to warn us in advance (or in one case, ASK, as I don't like that particular friend nor her attitude to DS!)
This ticks me RIGHT off. It also ticks DH off but he's too sappy to say anything to her.

However, I think she may have got the message after I'd been home a week after having DS2, and she came round and then casually said "Oh I've got X in the car, she wants to see the baby, is that ok?" And I just said "No, it's not ok. She can come another time when I'm in a better state to see other people".
She's not done it since...

MTSgroupie · 24/04/2013 00:12

A friend bought a £1.4million house and then spent £150k decorating it (her DH made partner and that came with hefty pay rise). A mutual friend had a preview and carried back stories of jacuzzi in garden, home cinema set up with 60in TV, kitchen with huge American style fridge. Then there was the games room ....

A few weeks later I got an invite for coffee. Wow! kind of summed it up.
I am mentioning it because I live in an ordinary house so I can't imagine anyone wanting to show my house to people they know. A lot of you obviously live in wow! houses, what with all the stories of other people inviting other people around to look at your houses. I'm sooo jealous.

themilkmonster · 24/04/2013 00:18

YANBU

As others have said, there's a big difference between your PIL inviting SIL over for a cuppa and to see her niece which is fine, and actually allowing her to have a snoop around your house, which is definitely not ok.

I'd be livid too but if its a one off I'd let it go.