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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU or are my parents (money related)

47 replies

madhousequeen · 21/04/2013 12:16

would appreciate some honest opinions.

bit of background: I am a new lone parent, 2 DC (DS1 is disabled). due to DS1 I can only work P/T. life is tough and and money is very tight. but that is ok as I get by by living within our means. there are a lot of things we cannot currently afford and holiday is one of those things. but that is not the end of the world for me.

so, now the issue. my parents live abroad (and for various reasons cannot come over in the summer to ours). as long as I was with my ex-HB I was able to take the DC once a year for a holiday to my parents and now with my change in circumstance I can no longer afford that. so I decided, if I cannot afford the plane tickets, we are not going. simple as that.

my parents want me to come over with the DC and would like to pay for the tickets. they are pensioners and not very wealthy but could probably just afford the to pay up. trouble is, they have helped me out financially several times in the past esp during the split from my exH.

I therefore decided to decline their kind offer. I said I would save up and try to come over the following year. TBH, I am sick to the teeth to be financially so dependent on my family. and rather than accepting financial help yet again I would very much like to wait until I can afford it myself. it just does not sit comfortably with me iyswim.

so, mum is now no longer talking to me as I won't accept their offer to pay for the trip.

I talked to a friend this morning and started to wonder if I am a bit unreasonable and stubborn here.

wwyd?

OP posts:

Dawndonna · 21/04/2013 12:20

There are charities that may be able to help you. I think Joseph Rowntree Foundation help with holidays for families on limited means. Might be worth checking out and then perhaps going halves with your parents?

LocoParentis · 21/04/2013 12:22

from their point of view if they don't pay they wont get to see their DGC.

They're potentially bitterly disappointed that your 'I won't lend anymore money' line means they won't see their DGC til Summer 2014

wannabedomesticgoddess · 21/04/2013 12:23

I think that grandchildren spending time with their grandparents is more important than money or pride.

YABU.

Rosesforrosie · 21/04/2013 12:23

Yanbu, but I can see why your mum is disappointed. Do you usually get on well? Is she usually reasonable?

Yonihadtoask · 21/04/2013 12:23

YANBU. However if it were me , I would accept maybe 50% of the costs and try and fund the rest myself.

Oh, pretty much as Dawndona says.

It would be a shame not to see your parents.

ChasedByBees · 21/04/2013 12:23

I think you're being unreasonable. They're paying for something they want - to see you! They're not treating you like a charity case.

BlueberryHill · 21/04/2013 12:23

You may see it as being financially dependent on them, your parents probably just want to see you and their grandchildren, especially if it has been a difficult time for you? They see it as their money, if they can afford to do something, such as pay for the tickets, why not?

Did you explain why you didn't want to accept the cash, how did they take it?

LittleBairn · 21/04/2013 12:24

I can see both points of view but mostly your mothers. Your pride is preventing your patents from spending time with you and your DC, 2 years is a long time between visits and stopping your DC from having a holiday.

Trillz · 21/04/2013 12:25

Are you saying no because you don't want them to waste their money? If so, YABU. They are adults who can choose for themselves whether something is worth spending money on or not.

Are you saying no because they will remind you that they paid for the tickets and try to make you feel guilty? If so YANBU.

Are you saying no because, even though they will never bring it up and will be perfectly lovely about it, YOU will feel bad of your own accord? If so YABU - you are denying your parents and your children something because you will feel irrationally guilty and you should try to get over it.

Coffeeformeplease · 21/04/2013 12:25

I would find it very difficult. If your parents can afford it and there are no conditions attached, I would go for the holiday. Providing you have a good relationship.
You sound like you need a holiday especially now, and are in the lucky position to get one. Is it pride that stops you? They want to help and they don't see their grandchildren that often.
I wish I had parents that cared this much, tbh.
I don't know if you are BU because I can understand the financial dependence thing.

Squitten · 21/04/2013 12:25

I think YABU.

You parents want to see your DC. I'm sure your DC want to see their grandparents. They are happy to pay for it. It seems a realy shame for everyone to miss out because you're too proud to accept the offer.

I understand why you're hesitant, I really do. But I think you should do it.

xigris · 21/04/2013 12:26

I think I'd try and look at it from another angle: if this was years down the line and you were in the same position as your parents and you wanted to see your children / possibly grand children and were in a position to facilitate this, then what would you do? I understand that it can be hard to accept financial help, especially when you're so desperate to stand on your own two feet, however, it's a reciprocal situation: tour parents are getting to see their daughter and DGC plus you will get to see your parents and maybe have a bit of a break yourself. Added to this of course, is that your children will see their grandparents. I don't think YBU, I admire your attitude, but I do think you should consider this from all perspectives

MidniteScribbler · 21/04/2013 12:28

YABU. If I wanted to see my child and grandchildren and knew that their mother was struggling I'd offer to pay too, and would be hurt if you said no. It can feel like you're saying no to them seeing their grandchildren. I know it may seem like you're taking their charity, but they just see it as they want to see you and your children.

Is there something you could do for them when you get there that may make you feel a bit better about the trip? Being pensioners, I'm assuming they are older, so could there be a certain job around the house that needs doing that they haven't been able to? Clearing out a garden, painting a room, clearing out the attic? Perhaps if you feel that there is something you could do for them, that may make you feel better about taking the money?

Pozzled · 21/04/2013 12:30

I think YAB a bit U because by refusing to accept, you are effectively stopping your parents from seeing their grandkids. I know how you feel- I hate being in anyone's debt, even if it's family. But in this case, they're not offering you a gift for purely selfless reasons. They want to see you all and are willing to pay to make it happen.

In these circumstances I would accept because you'd be doing the right thing for both your parents and your DC's.

(Disclaimer: I'm assuming a good relationship between you and that they're not going to hold it over you later on or make digs etc.)

overmydeadbody · 21/04/2013 12:30

YABVU

Your parents want to see their grandchildren. Your pride is preventing that.

This is what families are for, and what good families do, they help each other out financially.

In the future you might be in a position of helping them out financially.

Until then, let your children have a holiday with their grandparents.

LunaticFringe · 21/04/2013 12:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Yonihadtoask · 21/04/2013 12:31

Good tip from midnite scribbler

My Dsis is in a similar situation to you.. for the past couple of summers, we have organised a big family holiday. Me, DH, DSs, Dparents and Dis and her DC.

As Dsis can't afford it, we and Dparents pay for her and her DCs. She has learnt to accept with good grace.

We want her to join us, and spend time with us. We aren't doing it out of charity - or because we feel sorry for her.

Original poster

madhousequeen · 21/04/2013 12:32

thanks, had not really thought about the DC being able to see their GPs .

thanks dawndonna, will check out the charities.

OP posts:

whois · 21/04/2013 12:34

YABU

Your mum and dad want to see their grandchildren, and you!

Accept their kind offer with good grace.

SueDoku · 21/04/2013 12:36

As a grandparent, I would be really upset if my daughter's (misplaced) pride prevented me from seeing my DGC and meant that there was a 2 year gap in our relationship. OP, do you feel that your parents would hold the fact that they had paid for your tickets over you in some way? If not, swallow your (understandable) hesitation and go - both your DP and your DC will appreciate it, and you will get a break... I hope that you have a good time - you deserve it.

Salmotrutta · 21/04/2013 12:37

They must miss you and their grandchildren, they want to see you all.

I think Midnite's idea is good too.

Sort of paying back "in kind".

Numberlock · 21/04/2013 12:39

I'd take up the offer in the spirit it's given and then when finances are better, pay them back or treat them in return.

Mumsyblouse · 21/04/2013 12:39

madhousequeen I don't see your logic at all, that's what families are for, I would always pay for my children to come to see me when they are older, just as my mum has helped me out financially when in hard times, just as we used to help one gran who had no money. It was our treat to pay for her ticket. Heck, I've paid for friends to come to see me or split the costs half and half when we were both poor.

I can't believe you didn't think about them seeing the GP or vice versa, I find that quite odd tbh.

I think your pride is misplaced, ring them up, say thanks and if it makes you feel better, keep a note of how much it is and pay them back in the future when you are back on your feet.

Have we really become such an individualistic society that parents offering to see their child and grandchildren that it is seen through the lens of 'I don't want to owe anyone anything'? How sad.

ivykaty44 · 21/04/2013 12:39

YABU you are stopping your dc going to see their grandparents who have offered to pay for them - why should you prevent grandparents paying for their own grandchildren's flights to see them and also paying for a chaperone (you) to come along as well.

If you only had a modest income and were offering to pay for your grandchildren to come and visit - would you not be offended if your daughter said no I want to pay for myself and can't so that means in your autumn years you missed a chance to see your grandchildren? Your own pride is hurting another four people - thats not really very fair of you and tbh a little bit pig headed

Accept with good grace as another poster said and go and enjoy the time with parents and family.

Angelico · 21/04/2013 12:41

YABU although can understand your pride. Take the money when it is offered and enjoy the holiday if your parents don't use money to manipulate you (doesn't sound like they do). And although the charity suggestion was kindly meant I would respectfully suggest not checking out charities when there is the offer of money from a relative. The charity money might mean all the difference to someone who genuinely has no one to help them.

FWIW I have great respect for someone in your position struggling to do the right thing - but be kind to yourself too :)

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