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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU or are my parents (money related)

47 replies

madhousequeen · 21/04/2013 12:16

would appreciate some honest opinions.

bit of background: I am a new lone parent, 2 DC (DS1 is disabled). due to DS1 I can only work P/T. life is tough and and money is very tight. but that is ok as I get by by living within our means. there are a lot of things we cannot currently afford and holiday is one of those things. but that is not the end of the world for me.

so, now the issue. my parents live abroad (and for various reasons cannot come over in the summer to ours). as long as I was with my ex-HB I was able to take the DC once a year for a holiday to my parents and now with my change in circumstance I can no longer afford that. so I decided, if I cannot afford the plane tickets, we are not going. simple as that.

my parents want me to come over with the DC and would like to pay for the tickets. they are pensioners and not very wealthy but could probably just afford the to pay up. trouble is, they have helped me out financially several times in the past esp during the split from my exH.

I therefore decided to decline their kind offer. I said I would save up and try to come over the following year. TBH, I am sick to the teeth to be financially so dependent on my family. and rather than accepting financial help yet again I would very much like to wait until I can afford it myself. it just does not sit comfortably with me iyswim.

so, mum is now no longer talking to me as I won't accept their offer to pay for the trip.

I talked to a friend this morning and started to wonder if I am a bit unreasonable and stubborn here.

wwyd?

OP posts:

Original poster

madhousequeen · 21/04/2013 12:42

ok - so it is me who is being U then, huh? .

maybe I just should swallow my pride and sort out the tickets then? thanks for being honest.

OP posts:

ShowMeTheYoni · 21/04/2013 12:45

I think YABU. We are in a bit of a similar situation. MIL pays our petrol money so we can go and see them more. Technically we probably could afford it, but she doesn't want us to struggle so she can she the kids. So we accept it with grace and everyone is happy. My,parents also arrange holidays and pay for it all. A gift is a gift and not a matter of pride. I understand wanting to do it all yourself and you ARE. Every single day you are doing it. I have been a single mum and its hard. Don't look a potential gift horse in the mouth for the sake of pride. Say thank you and enjoy a break.

mmmuffins · 21/04/2013 12:45

YABU - I personally don't see this as a financial handout, because your parents are using the money to get something they want (a visit from their daughter and grandchildren).

musicposy · 21/04/2013 12:49

Yes, I think YABU, in the nicest possible way and for admirable reasons, but still U.

It's worth the money to them to see your DC. If you refuse to accept, they don't get to see them for another year. That's not fair on your parents or children.

Tell yourself that if and when you are in a better financial position, you'll pay it back somehow. That's a real possibility anyway, they'll be getting older over the years and may well need all sorts of help in years to come.

My parents have paid for allsorts over the years, particularly for the DCs but I can see the tables starting to turn now. That's what families do.

LimitedEditionLady · 21/04/2013 12:53

Id go tbh.yes you dont want to feel like you are taking from them but if they didnt really want to they wouldnt offer.they want to support you.Theyve helped you before and now its their wish to see you and the children.you might not want to but do it for them and also for the children and have some time away but tell them youre doing it for them and not to take from them.you might not he able to pay for it yourself but thats not your fault.take them some nice flowers or cook them a nice meal while youre there to show how much you love them and to thank them for being there for you.being appreciated means more than money any day.how would you feel about it if you were doing it for your children?thats the answer hun x

chickensaladagain · 21/04/2013 12:54

I posted a similar thread yesterday and the overwhelming response was take the money but I know exactly where you are coming from

1Catherine1 · 21/04/2013 12:55

I agree that your pride is misplaced. They are not being selfless here, or even claiming to be. They are paying, not to do you a favour but to get what they want. Since they can't come over to you, the only logical thing to do is pay for you to go to them.

StorFetHamster · 21/04/2013 13:12

YABU, but I know how hard it is feeling financially dependent in some way. However much you know they want your GC and it's not out of charity, it's very hard as you feel guilty that they are doing it and you feel ashamed or embarrassed. Obviously you can't control those emotions, but try and accept their offer- I didn't do things because I didn't want to take money. I suffered because of it.

But your mum not speaking to you is here BU and childish. When you offer something, you don't get angry when it's not accepted. I would call back and say sorry and ask of the offer is still open and apologise- but your mum is being very childish about not talking to you and is U in that respect.

elah11 · 21/04/2013 13:15

If your own children were in your position and you offered the money because you really wanted to see them wouldnt you feel hurt if they turned that down? As my mum often says when I am being a bit like the OP, as much as I love my children and would do anything for them thats how much she loves me and feels the same. Go and enjoy yourself, accept the gift as its offered.

starfishmummy · 21/04/2013 13:21

Could hours accept the offer if it was given to you instead of birthday and xmas presents?

worsestershiresauce · 21/04/2013 13:24

Please accept. Your poor mum . She wants to spend time with family. As we get older family become more important. Let her see her grandchildren as that is something worth so much more than the money involved.

OrangePetals · 21/04/2013 13:29

It does completely depend on your relationship with your parents, have they ever been controlling?

Your life, your kids, your choice.

LookingThroughTheFog · 21/04/2013 13:32

Madhouse, I sort of want to give you a quick hug for not realising it was about the children.

From your point of view, I can understand the thinking that a holiday isn't essential, and therefore it would be better to say no than take their cash. So you're not remotely unreasonable for thinking that.

However, from their point of view, I imagined that they'd have preferred to pay for you to visit so they can see their children than pay for one of the essentials.

Two years is a very long time to go without seeing a child you love. I hope you find a way of explaining it to your parents and that you get to go.

Viviennemary · 21/04/2013 13:55

I can absolutely see why you don't want to be dependent on your parents. However, this is different because they are the ones wanting to see you and their grandchildren and they can't make the trip themselves. If you were asking for money for a new kitchen or car that would be different. I think you should accept the money.

norfolknic · 21/04/2013 13:57

Yabu. They would like to pay for you and dgc to be able to visit them. If they were offering a free holiday to the Caribbean I'd understand you declining, but not when they would benefit as much as you!

As they can't visit you, taking turns to payfor the fflights seems sensible, you can still pay for 2014:-)

AnyoneforTurps · 21/04/2013 14:08

I think YAbothBabitU. Your parents are hurt but they should also be more understanding of your point of view and your DM's reaction is over the top - any adult refusing to talk to another adult is pathetic.

lastnightidreamt · 21/04/2013 14:12

I can completely understand your pride and not wanting to take anything from your parents - good for you.

BUT - they are your parents, they love you, they want to see you..........take the offer and have a lovely time!

marriedinwhiteagain · 21/04/2013 15:02

op - years and years ago, I detoured to see my dad even though it was inconvenient and the children were tired having just driven back from a holiday. We were planning to see him the next weekend and I was the only one who wanted to go. I spent the afternoon with him and he bought dd her first icecream. We knew he was out of remisssison and the plans for the hospice, etc, were to be made the following day after his consultant appointment. He didn't make the appointment but died suddenly the following morning. I'm so glad we went. You never know what's round the corner love, and although I can see where you are coming from there are far worse places to be than visiting your mum and dad who love you very much.

maddening · 21/04/2013 15:07

I think yabu - they want to spend the money to see you - they see it as themselves benefiting from getting to spend time with their daughter and dgc.

Don't see it as them helping you -it is them helping themselves to time with you - they want to do that because they love you.

If you can save up for next year then great but this year let them pay if they can and they want to.

ihearsounds · 21/04/2013 15:17

If you don't want to take more money from your parents, there are a number of charities out there that help with holidays and other things. Family holiday association. Family fund.org . Alice's escape. Happy holidays. CFHF. Farrell trust, just to name a few.

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 21/04/2013 15:26

I think you should go, so long as there are no strings attached and you won't end up otherwise out of pocket. Also - do you want to go? Or would you rather use your holiday allowance to do something else?

I say all this because my parents have a house overseas in the middle of nowhere. They're surprised that we don't visit more often - but seriously, it is a minimum 10 hour journey to get there, however you do it, and once there it is very isolated. They love it though...

In a bid to encourage visitors, they offered to pay for our tickets last year when I was on maternity leave. We didn't have much spare cash as we'd budgeted for me to be off work for a year and initially it sounded great. However, once we'd worked out all additional costs, airport parking, car hire at the other end, blah blah, it would have cost us more than a short break of our choosing. So we didn't go, explained why and they were disappointed. But - that's life and one of the things you have to take into account when you move abroad. Not everyone can or wants to visit and there may be times when consequently, you don't see friends and relatives as often as you might like.

I hope this works out for you, whatever you choose. Don't feel pressured into something you don't want to do though - your parents chose to move away.

Flappingandflying · 21/04/2013 16:29

What married in white said. I have had to accept handouts from my parents and dh and I have reasonable jobs although childcare wiped out most of my salary. Go. You don't know what will happen in two years time.

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