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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU and judgey or would you feel the same?

43 replies

StuffezLaYoni · 21/04/2013 11:30

I'm trying to let out my spare room and had two people interested. One is a student who admits she doesn't know whether she definitely wants the room or not (I'm meeting her today.) she also couldn't move in til the end of September.
The other woman is in full time work, but needs somewhere good for transport, like my room, as she has been banned for drink driving. AIBU to have already decided not to let the room to her? She is able to move in this week, has her own furniture and I really really need the money.
I don't know whether I'm being unreasonable by making judgement based on this one bit of information. Opinions?

OP posts:

SomethingOnce · 21/04/2013 11:35

Did you ask any questions about the circumstances of the ban?

I suppose it's a good thing she was up front about it (unless she couldn't hide it if she showed you a CRB check, or whatever they're called now).

Original poster

StuffezLaYoni · 21/04/2013 11:37

I didn't, but she volunteered the info about it being a ban for drinking. Genuinely don't know whether I'm being horrible by making assumptions about her and yes, it was good she was honest upfront.

OP posts:

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 21/04/2013 11:38

She didn't need to tell you, OP. Do you not think that she has received her punishment and this could very well be the wake-up call that she needed? I think I'd veer towards that myself. There are many people who drink and drive (under the limit). For me, they are just as bad. Alcohol can affect people in different ways and I have no respect for drink drivers at any level.

She may turn out to be the best tenant you've ever had...

ReturnOfEmeraldGreen · 21/04/2013 11:40

It is your home and if you don't fancy the sound of this lodger just tell her that you have rented the room to someone else or decided against renting it out after all.

You will doubtless get people telling you not to be judgmental and that you should give people a chance. Personally, I would appreciate her honesty in volunteering this info but I still wouldn't rent the room to her, especially not if I had DC living with me. Reasons?

She may well have a drink problem. I know alcoholics are people just like the rest of us, but you don't know this woman and you don't know what aggravation might ensue if she falls off the wagon.
She has committed a criminal offence. Ok, she admits it, but still.
Most importantly - drink driving, to me, is one of those offences that marks a weak character and poor judgment. I tend to think the same about speeding where the person doesn't learn from a first offence and other stupid actions like getting parking tickets and neglecting to pay them, tbh. I would not be confident that this person would be responsible and would pay their rent on time.

Sorry if I sound harsh, it may to do with some of my experiences, which includes my mother being killed by a drunk driver.

SoupDragon · 21/04/2013 11:40

I think YABU but really it's up to you.

IMO there are two sorts of drunk drivers - those who don't give a shit and those who learn from their mistake. (obviously both are wrong and both deserve the legal punishment though)

Original poster

StuffezLaYoni · 21/04/2013 11:40

Thanks for the perspective, lying. I think I will definitely meet up with her this week. It can't be pleasant having to tell someone that.

OP posts:

lollilou · 21/04/2013 11:41

How badly do you need the money. Student seems a bit flakey and September is a long time to wait for a regular source of income.
I think the important thing is did you like the lady with the drink driving ban. After all you will be sharing your house with her. At least she was honest.

HollyBerryBush · 21/04/2013 11:43

Are you having shared living space though? as in, will she be sitting with you of an evening?

Because I would take the one I generally got along with and had the ability to pay.

Original poster

StuffezLaYoni · 21/04/2013 11:44

Reading all these carefully.
return i agree with what you say about drink driving being one of those things that shows really poor judgement. Very sorry to hear about your mother, that's terrible.
There are no children living with me but I do value my free time and relaxation so I would definitely be looking for someone I could get on well with.

Well, I will think hard about this and meet her this week, I think.

OP posts:

Original poster

StuffezLaYoni · 21/04/2013 11:45

Yes, holly, it would be shared living space so getting along is vital.

OP posts:

HerrenaHarridan · 21/04/2013 11:45

I would meet her any way and decide then.

As much as I would never say it was ok to drink drive there may be some crazy extenuating circs that she hasn't felt she can divulge. She has chosen to be upfront about it and let's face it you would never have known otherwise.

Ionasky · 21/04/2013 11:45

Your house you don't have to give reasons. The student doesn't sound great either though. You could ask for a higher deposit for the other woman. If she proved a mistake, would it be hard for you to ask her to leave? Agree re dc, I wouldn't risk it unless they were older teenagers. Fwiw. I've known 2 people with drink drive convictions and in both cases it never happened again, but that doesn't mean I'd want them living with me.

SlambangSweepstakeQueen · 21/04/2013 11:47

I'd do the same.

Being judgey is one thing, but when letting a room you're talking about sharing your house and much of your life with a total stranger. Any hint of this unknown person having a serious personal habit such as drinking too much would be a massive warning flag to me.

A lot easier to say no politely now, than to live with and then have to evict a lodger who doesn't fit.

Lonecatwithkitten · 21/04/2013 11:48

I would innocently ask how long her ban is more as an enquiry as to how long she is likely to need the room.

One year not much over the limit likely to be lapse in judgement, but not indicator of anything more serious.
Three year will have been lots over the limit and could suggest bigger problem.
Remember where it is a room in your home you can ask tenant to leave immediately.

Original poster

StuffezLaYoni · 21/04/2013 11:52

I think I need to low the circumstances. In all honesty, I have my own issues with alcohol and am working very hard to drastically lower my intake. I don't think I could live with someone who had their own drink issues.
Thanks for the opinions everyone.

OP posts:

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 21/04/2013 11:53

What I like about the drinky-lady, Stuffez, is her pragmatism. She's banned from driving, has had her world knocked off kilter and she's found a way to maintain herself, keep her job and rebuild her life. I'm a big believer in rehabilitation because the alternative is so much worse.

I see people using their own 'yardsticks' to measure people and it baffles me sometimes. For example... my mother, lovely woman that she is, would have a problem with this lady BUT, she would forgive and forget the same 'crime' if committed by one of my brothers. She also tuts at me for taking drugs (caffeine tablets) sometimes yet fails to see the irony as she lovingly tends her cannabis plants...

I just don't believe that we can effectively use a one-size-fits-all approach to gauging worthiness in people. This is why you sometimes see threads here were the poster is shocked that a 'punk' has held a door open for them. I guess I'm saying, don't judge a book by its cover. I find it hard sometimes and have to remind myself of that.

I think this lady could be just the ticket, she has demonstrated her character to you - open and honest and shown grit in the face of being publicly found guilty. That says something to me.

I'm reminded of a potential Maeve Binchy plotline somehow...

ControlGeek · 21/04/2013 11:55

It is actually remarkably easy to get a ban for drink driving. Too many people thing drink driving means the person was caught driving home from the pub, but it takes one hour for each unit of alcohol to leave your body.

Say, starting at 7pm, you have two large glasses of red wine while you're getting ready for a night out, then five alcopops while you dance the night away. That's almost 19 units of alcohol. Really, you aren't fit to drive until after 2pm the following afternoon. All it takes is for you to race an amber light, or have a tail light out. Once you're stopped for anything you can be breathalysed for any reason or no reason at all.

janey68 · 21/04/2013 11:56

I think actually you need to make a judgement call here. Making a judgement isn't necessarily a negative thing, it's about weighing up the situation and making a decision

Personally I completely agree with Return. Drink driving is in a different league to many other things; these days it's a complete no no, you just don't do it, not even once, unless you have extremely poor judgement. The fact that she has a conviction would colour my view about her coming to live in my house.

TBH if you have a room which is convenient for work places, and also for students (which yours clearly is) then I imagine you won't have too much problem finding another tenant. You don't have to take either of these two. Don't feel guilty: this is your home. I would probably feel the same even if it were a separate house I were letting out tbh. Your home, your property, and it's up to you what you decide to do. This isn't an irrational prejudice; you are making an informed decision on the basis of this woman's actions

MarianaTrench · 21/04/2013 11:56

A bit different but I employed someone with a drink driving ban after I heard the circumstances. She was a recovering alcoholic at that point and very up front about what had led to her alcoholism and her driving ban. She was a great employee.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 21/04/2013 11:58

cross-posted with you, Stuffez. You must do whatever you think is best.

Saying that, I think she would have understanding of your own alcohol problems and could potentially be a terrific support? What about introducing an alcohol-free home or maybe a month's trial?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 21/04/2013 11:58

AnnieLobeseder · 21/04/2013 12:00

Personally I wouldn't take either and would keep looking.

claudedebussy · 21/04/2013 12:01

this is for someone living in your HOUSE. being judgemental is absolutely a requirement!

so i wouldn't rent to banned woman. i'd put student on hold since you need someone a lot sooner.

hang out for as long as you can to get the right person.

drink driving woman sounds like recipe for disaster if you already have alcohol issues.

everlong · 21/04/2013 12:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Branleuse · 21/04/2013 12:03

i wouldnt rent to either of them

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