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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or is DP re: him not wanting me to be amicable with DDs dad?

134 replies

Amykins35 · 19/04/2013 23:38

DP and I have been together for 3.5 years, exH and I separated a few months prior to that when DD was 2. It was awful at first as DD and I had to move out to a hostel, exH was a nightmare etc but for the past couple of years we've been getting on much better and are positively friendly. He has a serious girlfriend and is happy and I'm happy for him, we were only together a short time and mainly for DD - there are no lingering feelings or anything like that. When he collects/returns DD from contact he comes in for usually 20 mins to chat, mainly about what DDs been up to at each house/school as she otherwise she just says she's forgotten. DD is very happy that we get on and likes to show her dad her reading book, school books, pets, bedroom etc. Considering once upon a time he had to drag her off me kicking and screaming every time it's a vast improvement. DP and I don't live together yet but are planning to in the near future. He despises exH despite DP knowing we were never in love, DP being younger, much more attractive etc - no reason to be jealous. He said tonight that when we live together he wants exH to stop coming in altogether. Usually if DP is here exH, DD and I (exH tries to include DP but he usually shuts himself away) still chat but not for as long. I think it's best for DD if she sees exH and I getting on and that it'd be confusing for her if it suddenly stopped, plus I resent him dictating who I can and can't let in the house. I also suspect he is jealous in a way as he and his exW do not communicate at all. AIBU to still let ex in when DP and I live together?

OP posts:
squoosh · 22/04/2013 22:42

It's ridiculous that any sane person would entertain the petty jealousies of a man who doesn't even see his own children.

SolidGoldBrass · 22/04/2013 22:43

In any blended family, the new partner (particularly one who doesn't even live with the partner who has a child with another parent) is lowest priority and needs to either accept that or fuck off.

cory · 22/04/2013 22:43

GoingUpInTheWorld Mon 22-Apr-13 14:14:45
"Everyones feelings matter

The child still sees her father as normal, but the op can stand outside at the car if she wishes to chat to her ex."

So because the new partner is so upset at how the ex has treated the OP, the OP has to stand outside by the car to talk to him? Confused

That hardly sounds like concern for the OP.

GoingUpInTheWorld · 22/04/2013 22:44

There could be any reason why he doesnt see his children, that may have been taken out of his hands.

Her dp is right to request what he has done.

squoosh · 22/04/2013 22:45

He is not right.

GoingUpInTheWorld · 22/04/2013 22:46

Hes also upset by how the ex h has spoken to him and behaved towards him, so his feelings are based on a mixture of things.

squoosh · 22/04/2013 22:47

One thing is abundantly clear, his feelings are not based on what's best for the child, they are based on his insecurities.

Diddums.

HungryClocksGoBackFourSeconds · 22/04/2013 22:48

I haven't read the whole thread but "He said tonight that when we live together he wants exH to stop coming in altogether" is a red flag to me.

Your partner is trying to control you and distance you from other people in your life.

I think it's great that you and ExH are getting on, it's really healthy and fantastic for your DD.

GoingUpInTheWorld · 22/04/2013 22:49

Its not all about what the child wants.

When there are other people this affects then everyone has to be taken into consideration.

squoosh · 22/04/2013 22:50

Bullshit.

He needs to swallow his prejudices and stop trying to isolate a child from her father.

Clearly you see the child as coming way down the pecking order.

GoingUpInTheWorld · 22/04/2013 22:52

Hes not isolating her.

Thats an over reaction.

If this dp of ops reads this, i hope he appreciates me fighting his corner.

squoosh · 22/04/2013 22:52

Maybe he will, you're clearly a fan.

GoingUpInTheWorld · 22/04/2013 22:53

I feel sorry for the guy

squoosh · 22/04/2013 22:55

I have no sympathy for control freaks.

IneedAsockamnesty · 22/04/2013 22:55

Someone's preference only needs accounting for if it is reasonable.

Its not reasonable under these circumstances to insist this happens. If you pander to unreasonable people they tend to continue being unreasonable most get worse.

And I cannot believe a pp has said a compromise is not slagging off a child's parent within the child's hearing.

That's not a compromise its called being a grown up,its doing a very minimum basic requirement in adult behaviour.

GoingUpInTheWorld · 22/04/2013 22:55

This could go on forever.

I think we will agree to disagree

IneedAsockamnesty · 22/04/2013 22:58

So you actually believe that grown ups can agree to behave in a adult way as a compromise

squoosh · 22/04/2013 22:58

The OP has discussed her dp in previous threads. He really doesn't seem like much of a catch.

squoosh · 22/04/2013 22:58

But yes, let's agree to disagree.

CastroIsDead · 22/04/2013 22:59

why would he read it? what a wierd thing to say. are you the dp??
child's feelings come first the situation was as it stands before dp came along he's got no right to change things to make his inadequate little ego feel better.
my ex comes in my house because my ds likes to show him things and also we need to communicate, any man that tried to dictate to me how to parent my child would be getting told where to get off

CastroIsDead · 22/04/2013 23:01

especially one that doesn't even see his own kids.
how can it have been taken out of his hands?

GoingUpInTheWorld · 22/04/2013 23:02

I havent read any of the ops other threads, so i ve no idea what other things the op has been having trouble with.

GoingUpInTheWorld · 22/04/2013 23:04

Castro

No idea, it was just a guess, the op hasn't been back to answer why he doesn't see his other children.

Men don't see their children for all sorts of reasons. Just because he doesn't see his own children, that doesn't make him a bad person, I'm sure there will be a big back story to it.

CastroIsDead · 22/04/2013 23:10

well unless they have been kidnapped to another country im sure he could be doing something about it rather than sitting on his insecure arse dictating to the op who she allows in HER house.
there is nothing that would stop me from being with my ds let alone 'all sorts of reasons'
my guess is there will be 1big lousy excuse why he doesn't see them

TheCraicDealer · 22/04/2013 23:16

I love these threads where the OP posts expecting a crowd of furious nodding and "YANBU, you're so hard done by". Then when mn'er after mn'er goes, "hold the fuck on, this fella's a cock, LTB" they get all defensive because it's all gone a bit too far.

Amy, stop being a div and play it forward. Picture your DD's graduation or wedding. Do you want the event described above where all three of you act in a adult, courteous and thoughtful way, respecting each other and being jointly supportive, or do you want to be in the middle of two warring men who put their own egos above your DD's? Because how you handle this now will have an impact on your dd for the rest of her life.

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