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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

or is DP re: him not wanting me to be amicable with DDs dad?

134 replies

Amykins35 · 19/04/2013 23:38

DP and I have been together for 3.5 years, exH and I separated a few months prior to that when DD was 2. It was awful at first as DD and I had to move out to a hostel, exH was a nightmare etc but for the past couple of years we've been getting on much better and are positively friendly. He has a serious girlfriend and is happy and I'm happy for him, we were only together a short time and mainly for DD - there are no lingering feelings or anything like that. When he collects/returns DD from contact he comes in for usually 20 mins to chat, mainly about what DDs been up to at each house/school as she otherwise she just says she's forgotten. DD is very happy that we get on and likes to show her dad her reading book, school books, pets, bedroom etc. Considering once upon a time he had to drag her off me kicking and screaming every time it's a vast improvement. DP and I don't live together yet but are planning to in the near future. He despises exH despite DP knowing we were never in love, DP being younger, much more attractive etc - no reason to be jealous. He said tonight that when we live together he wants exH to stop coming in altogether. Usually if DP is here exH, DD and I (exH tries to include DP but he usually shuts himself away) still chat but not for as long. I think it's best for DD if she sees exH and I getting on and that it'd be confusing for her if it suddenly stopped, plus I resent him dictating who I can and can't let in the house. I also suspect he is jealous in a way as he and his exW do not communicate at all. AIBU to still let ex in when DP and I live together?

OP posts:

ceebie · 22/04/2013 13:09

It sounds like at least some of DP's comments might have been intended to manage/lower DD's expectations to try to lessen her disappointment? However, you did say "I've had to rein DP in for making sarcastic/derogatory comments about exH to DD" so presumably they can't all be explained this way, and some have been unnecessarily.

I can see that a cooked meal at yours is perhaps taking the cosiness too far - I can't see the problem in saying in a light / jovial way to your DD (and exH) that you are separated and that her time with her Dad is to be spent away from you. However having your exH come into your home - or more relevantly your DD's home, for 20 mins for a chat and to give her the opportunity to show her Dad her stuff, is hugely positive for her and very reasonable.

There are some excellent posts above Amy, I hope you think hard about what has been said.

Squitten · 22/04/2013 13:25

That's the problem though GoingUp - he should be civilised and grown up enough to understand that if he wants to have a relationship with someone who has a child, he has to allow that child and her mother to have an amicable relationship with the father!

Are you honestly telling the OP that her DD should not have her own father in her house to have a chat with her or a cup of tea because her mother's immature twat of a partner is so jealous that he thinks they should only be communicating outside at his car?! Really?!

Dahlen · 22/04/2013 13:30

Hmm. I think there are a few things going on here.

Reading between the lines, I think you may have some work to do on your boundaries OP. If your DP feels entitled to dictate in the way he is, you probably don't stand your ground anywhere near as much as you should. It's not difficult to therefore picture a situation where your XH is also completely overstepping the line when he's in your house. It's probably 6 of 1 and half a dozen of the other.

GoingUpInTheWorld · 22/04/2013 13:45

Squitten

Its more than possible to have an amicable relationship without the father having to come into the house.

Her dp is not jealous, he just doesnt want an arse hole in his house who has been very rude to him in the past and i completely understand that.

squoosh · 22/04/2013 13:48

'Its more than possible to have an amicable relationship without the father having to come into the house.'

Well if it's amicable there'd be no problem with him coming in the house would there??

Are you the dp or something, you're suspiciously defensive of him?

GoingUpInTheWorld · 22/04/2013 13:55

I meant amicable between the op and her ex not between her dp and the ex.

I understand his situation and actually feel sorry for him that his feelings dont count just becuase hes got into a relationship with a woman who has a child by someone else.

CalamityKate · 22/04/2013 13:59

Please don't keep making excuses for him along the lines of "oh he just loves us so much he gets angry at the way the ex treated us".

You know when the ex sold that toy? Your DP was thrilled. Believe me he loves it when your ex does something he can disapprove of.

squoosh · 22/04/2013 14:00

For God's sake, both men have a duty to make things amicable. Poor DP is an adult is he not? If he truly cared about this child he wouldn't belittle her father in her presence.

And who said his feelings don't count? To me it seems as though his feelings are riding roughshod over everyone elses.

Squitten · 22/04/2013 14:00

Exactly squoosh!

I think GoingUp is dead wrong on this one OP and I sincerely hope you don't end up pandering to such immaturity. If your DP wants to be a part of your life long-term, he really has some growing up to do.

GoingUpInTheWorld · 22/04/2013 14:07

Thats why i mentioned compromise in a earlier post.

Dp compromises by keeping his opinions to himself for dd feelings

Op compromises by not letting ex in the house as she respects dps wishes.

GoingUpInTheWorld · 22/04/2013 14:09

Its been mentioned many times that his feelings are irrelevent.

His feelings are relevent, and if op is not prepared to take any partners feelings into consideration because she has a child with someone else then shes better off staying single until the child turns 18.

CunningAtBothEnds · 22/04/2013 14:10

Red flag. Insecurrrrrre! YANBU stay strong and tell him to get a grip!

squoosh · 22/04/2013 14:11

Saying 'you cannot come into my house because my partner who doesn't live here but may shortly, doesn't like you' is ridiculous and unneccessary.

DP needs to grow up and deal with it. And of course that's only going to be his first demand. What will he be upset with next?

AnyFucker · 22/04/2013 14:11

the person whose feelings matter the most here are the child's...she had no choice in this scenario, adults do

GoingUpInTheWorld · 22/04/2013 14:14

Everyones feelings matter

The child still sees her father as normal, but the op can stand outside at the car if she wishes to chat to her ex.

Theres no problem here.

squoosh · 22/04/2013 14:14

Wow, I've just noticed that DP has children of his own that he doesn't see. And yet he feels quite free to judge the parental failings of ex partner.

How very interesting.

AnyFucker · 22/04/2013 14:16

yup, squoosh, it's been remarked upon

this bloke is a hypocrite, as well as a bit of a nobber

squoosh · 22/04/2013 14:18

Colossal nobber! How could anyone take him seriously??

Squitten · 22/04/2013 14:20

"DD is very happy that we get on and likes to show her dad her reading book, school books, pets, bedroom etc"

That's the decider for me. Who is this man to tell that child that she can't have this?

Ledkr · 22/04/2013 14:36

My dh always offers my ex a drunk when he comes for dd a dc they get on fine.
Our best friends are ex sil and her dp who we see often.
People have needed to get over themselves theses days as many families are now blended. Your dp has deep seated insecurities which De his issue to deal with.

ceebie · 22/04/2013 22:25

'Its more than possible to have an amicable relationship without the father having to come into the house.'

Yes, but DD likes showing him her room, her stuff, etc. SHE likes him coming in. It's HER home too. She shouldn't have to pack all her books, schoolwork, artwork, pets, etc into a backpack in order to be able to share it with her father!

GoingUpInTheWorld · 22/04/2013 22:39

Very true but her dp shouldn't have to have someone in his home who has been rude to him and who he despises.

Its all about compromise

squoosh · 22/04/2013 22:39

But it's not his home. He doesn't even live there.

squoosh · 22/04/2013 22:40

The child's needs trump the man childs.

GoingUpInTheWorld · 22/04/2013 22:41

But hes saying thats what he wants when he does live there.

Hes not saying he wants it to stop whilst he isnt living there

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