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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to go in funeral car

42 replies

Fairyloo · 19/04/2013 10:34

I have been seeing someone for a year. Very slow, dating. I have met his family a couple of times.

His mum has been really ill for past year, I never met his mum when she was well. Seen her twice.

Mum has now sadly died and funeral next Friday. He wants me to go in funeral car. I barely know the rest of the family, I will feel like a total fraud and really odd like I don't belong.

OP posts:

Original poster

Fairyloo · 19/04/2013 10:35

Pressed too soon.

I want to go and support him. He really wants me in the funereal car.

Am I making a big deal out of nothing should I just go in the car.

OP posts:

Original poster

Fairyloo · 19/04/2013 10:36

Aarrgghhh

Sorry

I don't bloody want to go in car. I just want to go and maintain a low profile and support him.

OP posts:

Sparklingbrook · 19/04/2013 10:37

Hi Fairyloo. Who else is going in the car?

scarredpierced · 19/04/2013 10:37

If he has asked you in the car then no1 whos got an ounce of decancy would question it.
His mum has died, put aside your concerns and go in the car.

Portofino · 19/04/2013 10:37

I think you would be going to support him, so if wants you to go in the car, I would.

HairyGrotter · 19/04/2013 10:37

I wouldn't be comfortable with it, BUT, if it's his want and he needs you, I'd be there like a shot

Original poster

Fairyloo · 19/04/2013 10:37

His dad and all the close family

OP posts:

Sparklingbrook · 19/04/2013 10:38

If his Dad and close family are aware, and it is ok with them, I would go in the car. But I totally understand you being uncomfortable with it.

Original poster

Fairyloo · 19/04/2013 10:38

Scarredpiece? What I haven't got a ounce of decency? Cheers

OP posts:

Sparklingbrook · 19/04/2013 10:40

i don't think it was meant like that Fairyloo. it is the people who would question it not having an ounce of decency.

Bluebell99 · 19/04/2013 10:40

I think you need to think about your partner/boyfriend wants and how you can best support him. Having said that, my sil's question mark boyfriend didn't come in the funeral car at my fil's funeral, he just came to the service. We hadn't met him before. he was a bit weird

LadyBeagleEyes · 19/04/2013 10:41

It sounds like he needs you for support.
I think you should try and be there with him.

HollyGoHeavily · 19/04/2013 10:41

If he wants you in the car then he feels he needs your support - I would put aside your misgivings and go in the car with him.

Original poster

Fairyloo · 19/04/2013 10:41

I guess I just feel like I hardly knew her and don't deserve a place in the funeral car

OP posts:

lurkedtoolong · 19/04/2013 10:41

I would go. It's not about you and how you feel. It's about supporting your boyfriend on one of the hardest days of his life.

Sparklingbrook · 19/04/2013 10:42

I totally get that Fairyloo, but you shouldn't worry. Your DP wants you with him. Is it a very long journey?

grovel · 19/04/2013 10:44

I understand your qualms 100%. Perfectly reasonable.

Only you can decide how much your partner needs you.

EuroShaggleton · 19/04/2013 10:47

A funeral is not about the person who died in one sense - it iis a rite of passage for those who are left behind to help with their grieving process. If he wants you there, I think you should be there.

scarredpierced · 19/04/2013 10:49

Noo, FairyLoo, I mean if someone else on the day starts up "why is SHE in the car?". Then they haven't got an ounce of decency.

Sparklingbrook · 19/04/2013 10:50

Thought that was it scarred.

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 19/04/2013 10:52

This is not about what you want or don't want, but about your partner. Go in the car, and if anyone asks why you are there, just say because you were specifically asked to be.

scarletforya · 19/04/2013 10:57

I don't blame you not wanting to go in the car. It could probably be misunderstood by onlookers that you are trying to push in inappropriately even though you're not

Has your BF ever been to a funeral before, he mightn't know the etiquette, partners don't really go in the car or even sit in the front pew with the 'original' family.

It's going to be awful for him whether you're there beside him or not and it just might make the other family members feel inhibited in grieving. That's what I would worry about.

Can you gently explain to him and promise that you will be just behind and will sit near in the church, hold his hand at the grave?

Crinkle77 · 19/04/2013 11:00

YANBU I can understand why you would feel uneasy. You would not want the family to feel awkward either. They may not want to have someone else in the car that they really don't know either. perhaps you could say to you partner that you don't want to take a space from another family member who knew the mother better. If he still insists after that then just go in the car. It will surely just be a short journey?

iheartdusty · 19/04/2013 11:04

could you say that it might be even better for him if you are ready and waiting for him at the chapel/church/crematorium?

I myself found it very hard to step out of a funeral car, until someone gently took my hand and led me to where I needed to be.

Annoyed101 · 19/04/2013 11:05

If you and his mum got along okay and it's something he needs you to do to support him then I would go. If his mum hated you then that would be a different matter.

No one should say a word about you going in the car to support him.

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