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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to go in funeral car

42 replies

Fairyloo · 19/04/2013 10:34

I have been seeing someone for a year. Very slow, dating. I have met his family a couple of times.

His mum has been really ill for past year, I never met his mum when she was well. Seen her twice.

Mum has now sadly died and funeral next Friday. He wants me to go in funeral car. I barely know the rest of the family, I will feel like a total fraud and really odd like I don't belong.

OP posts:

AMumInScotland · 19/04/2013 11:16

How do you feel about this man? Do you feel that, as time goes on, you are likely to want to feel like part of his family? Or do you feel like a fraud because, in your mind, it's just not the kind of relationship that is going to go the distance?

Who gets a place in the car varies from one family to another, but if there is space, and he wants you there, then there's nothing fundamentally wrong in you being there - you'd be there for him, to support him in his grief. You'd "deserve" it as his partner, not because of your (lack of) relationship with his mother.

If you really hate the idea then tell him so. But you risk hurting and alienating him at a time when his emotions are going to be very raw, and that might well affect how he feels about you - that you weren't "there for him" at a difficult time.

wibblyjelly · 19/04/2013 11:24

My dsis exp mum died a couple of years ago. A few of us went to the house in the morning to support him and his brother before the funeral. The plan was we would then drive to the funeral home. Both exp and his brother asked us all to travel in the cars with them. As far as they were concerned, there were spaces in the car, and they could do with the continued support. So we did, and I think it helped them to have the support.
If your DP has asked for you to go in the car, its because he wants your support.

cheeseandchive · 19/04/2013 11:46

I totally understand your reservations, but if he really feels like he needs you there then maybe it's best to put them aside and do what's best for him.

Maybe you could encourage him to talk to his dad about it - explain that you really want to support him but also want to give his family a bit of space if they need it. Maybe say that you're happy to go in the car as long as the other family in the car are happy with it too? That way you won't have to worry about their opinions, and theirs are the ones that really matter.

Chunderella · 19/04/2013 12:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 19/04/2013 12:45

You're not going for her. You're going for him. He says he needs and wants you there.

Funerals are for the living, not the dead. He is asking for your support. You have a place in the funeral car because he wants you to have one.

imour · 19/04/2013 12:48

you are his partner , you are going to support him ,im sure no one will wonder why you are in the car , you will all be there for the same reasons at the end of the day .

Badvoc · 19/04/2013 12:53

I think in these situations it's best to do what the bereaved person asks.

flowery · 19/04/2013 12:56

I don't blame you for not wanting to go in the car. But he may be dreading it as well and want support. When my nan died years ago they did this thing where the eldest grandchildren went in a car. So I was in with my two cousins, neither of whom I know particularly well. All I wanted was to be with my dad and my brother. :(

If he wants you there to support him, do it. But check with him to make sure everyone else will feel ok with it as well I would.

fedupwithdeployment · 19/04/2013 13:03

When my mum died I had been seeing bf for about 5 months. He hadn't met her (he lived down south, in the Navy and they lived in Yorkshire), but did come to the funeral and took a day off work to be with me.

I don't think he did go in the car. Am pretty sure he went with my uncle (can't remember exactly what happened as it was nearly 20 years ago). But I know that if I (and my Dad) had wanted him to be in the car, he would have been there.

I would say that he and all other important family members want you there, that is fine and you should do it.

My now DH remembers my mum's funeral as a bit of a baptism of fire (LOADS of Irish rellies, a fair few English ones, and a total of about 300 at the church!!) Good luck.

Whatdoiknowanyway · 19/04/2013 13:07

My sister's boyfriend had a wobble about whether he should even come to my Dad's funeral as he 'wasn't family'.
She was devastated. To us, if he's with her and makes her happy then he's family. His family don't work quite like that - bit more distant.
My take is, if he needs support and wants your support then be there for him.

everlong · 19/04/2013 13:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheCatIsUpTheDuff · 19/04/2013 13:18

Sounds like different families have different etiquettes. I've never been to one where partners didn't sit together at the service.

I'm not so sure on funeral cars -I think at my Grandad's, Grandma and their children went in the car without partners, but at DH's Nan's, her children and their partners went in the cars together.

If that's the way his family do it, you won't be out of place.

daftdame · 19/04/2013 13:27

Been in funeral cars on a couple of occasions - with Mum & Dad for grandparents. Got to say the cars was a very small part of it. No-one really looked at them, I don't think. I think you'd be fine as long as the people going in the car want you there. What I would say is make a decision soon because funerals can be very stressful to organise. Everyone will just want to be able to get the arrangements agreed.

Jan49 · 19/04/2013 13:55

I've been to quite a few funerals and never taken any notice of who travelled in the funeral cars.

Could you mention to your bf that you're a bit concerned that some of his family might not like it if you're in the car with the family so you just want to make sure it's OK. I mean, if he has a sister who has been married for 10 years and got 2 kids and she gets told there's no room for her h in the main car then it might cause upset if you were in the car.

But I think you're overthinking this and it doesn't matter very much. I would imagine your bf would want you by him for the service more than in the car unless it's a very long drive. As someone else said, funerals are for the living. I think what matters is that your bf wants your support. It doesn't matter how much you knew his mum.

SarahAndFuck · 19/04/2013 14:00

I was in one of the funeral cars for my Granddad's funeral and I have to say I can't remember who else was in it with me.

Not DH, I think he drove our car and took some other relatives with him. It was probably my brother and some of the cousins, but I couldn't tell you which ones.

I don't think it will matter on the day. As long as her husband and children are in the car, if there is also room for you and you are supporting your partner and I shouldn't think anyone else will mind.

Will there be room for his siblings partners to join them? That might be the only point that someone objects, if they can't all have partners in the car with them.

DorisIsWaiting · 19/04/2013 14:06

Jan's got it spot on ask him to check with his family- if there's not reassure him that you will be wait for him when the cars get there.

FWIW I remember the fruad feeling dh's dad died, and I went with him in the car and sat at the front, I barely knew him (lived overseas when we first got together ) it is odd but I'm pretty sure noone but me was bothered, and I was there for DH.

Original poster

Fairyloo · 21/04/2013 18:41

Thanks all

OP posts:

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