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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To get annoyed by the double standard?

69 replies

extremepie · 17/04/2013 18:57

Was watching tv recently and an advert for made in Chelsea came on - I don't watch it or know any of the people in it but during the ad one of the women slapped one of the blokes.

Now, I didn't watch the episode but I'm guessing that no one questioned her behaviour or called the police and had her arrested for assault and I felt that if it had been the other way around and he slapped her that probably would have happened.

It got me thinking about a friend of mine and his ex gf - during one argument she slapped him so hard that his glasses flew off his face and yet I imagine the police might have been less than sympathetic if he had called them.

I'm not saying that either sex should be allowed to hit each other but it does annoy me sometimes this attitude of 'well what did he do to deserve it' when a woman assaults a man and yet a man can't even shout at a woman without being called an abuser!

OP posts:

JammySplodger · 17/04/2013 21:58

Men's Advice Line were helpful too, especially the info on the website.

There are certainly links / advice / phone numbers for gay or straight men, no idea if there are any stats proportion of reported incidents though.

Sorry you got hit Tabard, hope that's all in the past.

seriouscakeeater · 17/04/2013 22:04

nice so basically because you have never notice a woman hitting a woman or a woman hitting a man it is very rare?

areas where it is common.. does dv not exist behind closed doors or only exist is certain areas?

It's just those nasty men that hit people?

Violence doesn't just occur in pubs.

NiceTabard · 17/04/2013 22:06

It was a one off when I was a teenager - some bloke just walked up to me and punched me in the face. I was waiting at a bus stop at the time

The other stuff was the usual sexual related stuff that many women get.

I have been very lucky in that I have never had a partner who was abusive, in any way. I can't imagine how hard that must be, how trapped people must feel. It's good that there are organisations out there who can help and I guess raising awareness that they are there & spreading the word & thus maybe getting more people help / encouraging volunteers or donations can only be a good thing.

seriouscakeeater · 17/04/2013 22:07

your posts where quite contradictory but you back tracked amazingly! Bravo!!

NiceTabard · 17/04/2013 22:09

serious, I was responding to stitch who said she regularly saw women hitting men in pubs/ places where alcohol was being consumed.

If you read her post StitchAteMySleep Wed 17-Apr-13 21:43:52 you will better understand my response.

NiceTabard · 17/04/2013 22:09

Eh?

BoneyBackJefferson · 17/04/2013 22:09

Tig

I think that a flipside of the quote is the proverb
"In the Country of the Blind the One-Eyed Man is King"
(taken out of context I know)

I know from experience that you can't walk away from every situation but in all the years of being in a DV relationship, I never ever hit my (Ex)wife back.

NiceTabard · 17/04/2013 22:12

"In the Country of the Blind the One-Eyed Man is King"

There is a brilliant HG Wells short story around that quote/proverb Worth reading!

seriouscakeeater · 17/04/2013 22:12

You actually have a warped view of men...
I got bit on the shoulder in a night club, when I was younger of a random girl for no reason what so ever. I never class all women as potential violent people...

Your not lucky that you haven't had a relationship with man that hits you as actually most men don't.

Women can be as equally as vicious as men.

NiceTabard · 17/04/2013 22:13

here!!!

NiceTabard · 17/04/2013 22:19

serious, like I say, I think these things are coloured by experience. I have never lived in an area where it was the norm for women to attack men in public - that's just a fact. I know that areas differ which is why I have been asking where people live etc. I like to think that it is not the norm in UK society, with women hitting men when out and about just being something quite standard. I suspect that it is more a problem in some places than others. I haven't seen it anywhere that I've lived or gone out or been on holiday or anything. Not to say it doesn't happen, obviously, but it's not that way across our society by a long chalk.

I am not sure why you say I have a warped view of men. I spoke about my experiences honestly and I'm not sure why you are having a go at me.

Lessthanaballpark · 17/04/2013 22:24

YANBU OP, I hate it cos I hate violence but also for another reason. I hate the way women are portrayed as more violent than they actually are.

Because let's face it, in RL, it is more likely to go the other way.

Unless of course, the stats have been seriously fixed.

NiceTabard · 17/04/2013 22:25

Also, serious, when in conversation with someone who is talking about being abused / friends being abused it is standard convention to say oh I'm lucky that has never happened to me. It's a normal conversational thing to do, to avoid coming off as smug or superior to someone who has had a shitty time / is close to someone who has had a shitty time.

Otherwise it goes:

I've been abused by a partner it was awful
Oh right well I haven't, and actually most people aren't abusive
Um thanks, righto

If you don't say that you have been "lucky" not to have been in a relationship with an abuser you are a. placing blame on the abused (they weren't unlucky - then what?) and generally you are not conforming to how people generally treat each other when talking about this sort of topic.

Original poster

extremepie · 17/04/2013 22:31

I wouldn't say that violence of any kind is normal where I live but I have witnessed a lot of woman-on-man violence recently.

The last time I went out with a group of friends one of them almost blinded her boyfriend with her stiletto because she thought he was looking at another girl we were out with (she was drunk) but everyone just seemed to gloss over it! I was shocked!

OP posts:

NiceTabard · 17/04/2013 22:37

That's really scary extreme.

Especially as I'm guessing (may be well off the mark!) that you are not a teenager, somehow I associate this sort of thing with young drunkenness.

If it has worsened recently - do you blame the media for that or something else? Are people getting drunker / is behaviour worse across the board where you are? Or does this one thing stand out?

NiceTabard · 17/04/2013 22:39

Could be recession related

People are under a lot of stress at the moment I wouldn't be surprised if drunkenness, violence of all types were on the up IYSWIM.

Or it could be something else entirely.

TigOldBitties · 17/04/2013 22:42

That's an interesting quote, will have to remember it.

I think it's obviously admirable if you were in that situation that you didn't retaliate. Some people, myself included just aren't built that way. I don't know if that shows weakness in my articulation skills or just strength in yours.

I'd say that if both parties are consenting the violence isn't wrong, it's where one party is the victim that most problems arise.

Original poster

extremepie · 17/04/2013 23:38

It was scary Nice, I didn't see her actually do it as she was round the corner at the time but I saw her bf get carted off to hospital and saw the the bloody wound and his swollen face afterwards - she could so easily have taken his eye out and her only excuse was that she was drunk! Pathetic! She could have ruined his life just because she couldn't control her temper, needless to say we no longer speak!

Oh and yes she is not a teenager but nearly 27 :(

I honestly don't know if there is anything else going on in her life to make her act that was but I don't see why her poor bf should have to suffer for it :(

OP posts:

Original poster

extremepie · 17/04/2013 23:44

I'm not sure Nice.

In both the RL cases I mentioned, the women had been through quite hard relationships in the past and I feel that in a way it made them have this kind of 'Im not going to take any shit from a man' attitude which leads them to lash out aggressively when they angry - almost like a pre-emptive strike, like 'I'll hurt them before they hurt me' or 'if I give him a slap it will let him know I mean business and don't mess with me' kind if thing.

I don't know how true that is for anyone else but I think 'media' doesn't help when you see slaps being dished out in MIC and such like, sort of reinforces that it is ok maybe?

OP posts:

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