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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get annoyed by the double standard?

69 replies

extremepie · 17/04/2013 18:57

Was watching tv recently and an advert for made in Chelsea came on - I don't watch it or know any of the people in it but during the ad one of the women slapped one of the blokes.

Now, I didn't watch the episode but I'm guessing that no one questioned her behaviour or called the police and had her arrested for assault and I felt that if it had been the other way around and he slapped her that probably would have happened.

It got me thinking about a friend of mine and his ex gf - during one argument she slapped him so hard that his glasses flew off his face and yet I imagine the police might have been less than sympathetic if he had called them.

I'm not saying that either sex should be allowed to hit each other but it does annoy me sometimes this attitude of 'well what did he do to deserve it' when a woman assaults a man and yet a man can't even shout at a woman without being called an abuser!

OP posts:
Softlysoftly · 17/04/2013 20:18

sugarmouse I would suggest you refrain from hitting people even if they are a brick shit house.

What a ridiculous post! Op yanbu.

FreudiansSlipper · 17/04/2013 20:19

if a man slapped a woman the police would do nothing

violence unless needed in self defence is always wrong I am not sure anyone would think it is right

i do not know anyone who feels it is ok to slap/hit you see a lot more violence on tv than what occurs in most peoples lives I think most can see it is done for dramatic effect still wrong

JammySplodger · 17/04/2013 20:20

"Now the reality is that most men can easily take a hit from their girlfriends and most women can't."

A broken nose is a broken nose. The size or gender of the person who delivered it does not make it bleed any less.

squeakytoy · 17/04/2013 20:24

in many sitcoms, films etc.. .it is deemed perfectly acceptable for a woman to slap a man across the face if he has upset her, cheated, pinched her bum.. often viewed as a "comedy moment"..

yet if a man were to do the same to a woman it would be seen as domestic violence or assault..

yanbu OP, and there are definitely double standards..

NiceTabard · 17/04/2013 20:27

On telly it seems to the quite regular for women to slap each other as well though. Or at least it did back when I used to watch soaps!

Original poster
extremepie · 17/04/2013 20:28

I know that the show used as an example is fake and scripted but I'm sure there are many RL examples that aren't (like my friend!).

I don't think it matters whether or not the man can 'take a hit' from his gf because she is smaller or less strong - if a hulking 6ft plus bodybuilder woman was slapped by her 5 ft nothing DH, would that be ok because she is strong enough to 'take it'?

Basically, people shouldn't hit other people whether they are man or woman - ok there are some circumstances where that might be different (self defence etc) but generally speaking it isn't ok!

I think the thing that really annoys be is that question of what a bloke has done to 'deserve' it, almost as if a guy being a bastard (cheating etc) is an excuse to assault him. I don't think anyone would 'excuse' a man for hitting a woman even if she was a horrendous bitch!

OP posts:
NiceTabard · 17/04/2013 20:31

I don't think anyone normal thinks it's OK for anyone to go around hitting anyone. the media have a different view for some reason.

NiceTabard · 17/04/2013 20:32

I have friends who are mutually violent and alcoholic and no-one makes distinctions based on their sexes TBH. They are both a nightmare.

i think it is a mistake to assume that attitudes seen on soaps and the like are a genuine reflection of society.

Original poster
extremepie · 17/04/2013 20:36

Green, I was a bit hmm at that advert too!

Completely agree squeaky, so often a man being slapped across the face is seen as a justified reaction to a minor incident (wolf whistling, pitching bum or whatever). Ok she might not break any bones with a slap but I feel that isn't the point :)

OP posts:
BoneyBackJefferson · 17/04/2013 20:37

Tig

Thank you for a well though out responses.

I agree that if someone attacked your children that should be taken in to acknowledged in response.

But I still believe that as Ghandi said
?An eye for an eye will only make the whole world blind.?

So If I do hold an "idiotic view" (as posted by Athing) I am at least in good company.

NiceTabard · 17/04/2013 20:41

extreme when on earth do you see women slapping men around the face when they wolf whistle at them? I have never seen a reaction like that - maybe it's where we live? I am in London.

Original poster
extremepie · 17/04/2013 20:42

Nice I don't think that the media accurately reflects the attitudes of the whole of society (thank god!) and things are changing but woman-on-man violence does generally seem more 'acceptable'.

Also MIC is scripted (which I'm sure everyone knows really) but is marketed as 'real life' - it seems the only shows that feature man-on-woman DV are 'obvious' dramas.

OP posts:
seriouscakeeater · 17/04/2013 20:48

eh what bizzare comments Confused
sugarmouse are you really serious??

In the context of what the thread was about YANBU. DV/assault, man on woman, woman on man, man on man, woman on woman is unacceptable either way.

Self defence is self defence.

Being goaded, provoked is no excuse.

StitchAteMySleep · 17/04/2013 21:02

YANBU we have a society where men are taught not to hit women (although some still do), but where a woman can hit a man and be congratulated for her actions. It is wrong.

The lack of equality in support and provision for male victims of domestic abuse is also shocking. The lack of media coverage doesn't help too. I know if a woman came on here for support there would be lots of people directing her to Women's Aid for support. Until I searched now I had never even heard of ManKind,yet according to this article male victims make up 40% of reported cases, a figure which is likely underestimated due to the stigma attached to seeking help if you are a male victim.

NiceTabard · 17/04/2013 21:13

Do you really see this in your daily / general life?

Whereabouts do you live / what sort of job do you do?

Don't forget when looking at stats of DV against men, some of it will be inflicted by other men.

When I look at violence in society, in the news, in stats, in my own observations throughout my life I just can't see that men are going around being non violent while women are congratulated for perpetrating DV or other violence on men.

I read these threads and I wonder how it is that things are so different in different areas of the country / or whatever the difference is.

JammySplodger · 17/04/2013 21:19

I think seeing people hit other people in day to day life is very rare, most of it goes onbehind closed doors. That's why it;s irresponsble for the media to portray some types of violence as less socially unacceptable than others.

NiceTabard · 17/04/2013 21:19

Incidentally I have seen threads on MN where male victims of DV have been directed towards Mankind.

Just because you haven't heard of it doesn't mean others haven't, there are huge numbers of people on MN and most of them want to help, I have seen all sorts of situations where people are struggling who aren't female / mothers where help and advice has been offered.

JammySplodger · 17/04/2013 21:22

Sorry, only half my train of thought there... the media have much greater access to us as individuals than what goes on in the privacy of other's homes, therefore they have the ability to distort what actually goes on when portraying 'real life', and influence social acceptability of different things. Does that make sense?

JammySplodger · 17/04/2013 21:24

I've rung Mankind, they were lovely and very helpful to me in helping out a loved one.

NiceTabard · 17/04/2013 21:26

Kind of... But... The soaps also portray women hitting women when they have fairly minor disagreements... It's part and parcel of the same thing. I'm not sure there is a double standard there as much as people think.

Certainly the violence depicted in soaps - of the women slapping all and sundry variety - is usually done in public. It's just a total distortion of life as most people know it.

In real life, the only people who have ever assaulted me or hit me or anything have all been men. I've never assaulted anyone, male or female. I suppose I come at this from that perspective. i have never even for a moment thought to slap anyone around the face.

NiceTabard · 17/04/2013 21:31

That's good about your friend / family jammy, that they were able to help Smile

JammySplodger · 17/04/2013 21:36

It is :) Plus lots of help from MN :)

StitchAteMySleep · 17/04/2013 21:43

I am really glad other people have heard of ManKind and was not making a judgement on other Mnetter's and their support. I was making an observation that I was not aware of the equivalent support service to Women's Aid for men, which in itself says something about media coverage/advertising of such services. Of course not all of those cases are female on male violence, a great many will be male on male, but either way it is just not talked about to the same degree as male on female domestic abuse.

I live in London and have witnessed multiple incidents whilst out of women slapping men they were with (for looking at/speaking to other women, often linked with alcohol consumption). I have also known a few acquaintances who have done it to their partners who have been told by friends/family that 'he deserved it' or similar. I have personally ended a friendship with a woman who hit her boyfriend whilst I was out with them, yes he was an arse, but IMO she should have left him not assaulted him in anger.

TigOldBitties · 17/04/2013 21:46

Thanks Boney. I've heard that Gandhi quote quite often, and I partly agree with it but I also partly think the reality would be 1 person left at the end with one eye. It's an admirable idea but I don't think it represents reality, you can't always walk away.

I will admit to being quite a confrontational person, and I've grown up in a very rough area and have had a few fights. I've also had physical fights with DH, although not for ages. I would hate to think that DH would be blamed more than me because of gender.

NiceTabard · 17/04/2013 21:53

Stitch yes I think our experiences colour all of this I haven't noticed women hitting men ever really and believe me I've spent a lot of time in pubs Grin

Certainly in areas where it is quite common for women to hit men as just a standard way of communicating there needs to be something done to change attitudes because that's just awful and I would think pretty unusual. Maybe you could think about (if you have kids) raising it in schools or something? I really think that your experience is the exception rather than the norm.