I always argue with OH about holidays...he's a teacher...

[idontunderstandmen]

OK so one for debate. OH is a teacher so gets lovely long holidays. I am not a teacher, I get 25 days a year. We have been together 18 months, moving in together in 6 months. He just spent 2 weeks in Bali by himself for the Easter holiday and Im annoyed cos I couldnt go (also he didnt ask me). We have a 2 week holiday booked for the summer. I have said to him that I'd like us to do the big holidays together, he says I dont have as much holiday as him and he likes to go abroad during holidays, its unfair for me to make him stay in the UK. He has said we can look at sorting out our holidays at the beginning of the year so we have stuff booked together and he'll arrange other trips for the weeks that we dont do things. I can see that but I also wonder how it would work as a couple if he heads off to exotic places without me for weeks at a time. He also said he likes his "me time" and helps him to think about things. I can foresee that Im going to be a bit jealous though! Anyone else in the same situation? If we have kids I think he would probably rein it in...well I would hope so

Oh, Bearbehind, I remember that thread and I don't think this is the same. That was an older BF with some very strange ideas but I don't think travel was part of it. This sounds like a young teacher who's making the most of his youthful freedom.

YABU

Let the poor man go on holiday on his own in his holidays, God knows he needs the break after teaching all term.

I don't see what the problem is when you are also going to have your holidays together.

I do this, as I get more holiday that DP. I take DS abroad in the school holidays for a break, my DP doesn't get annoyed or try to stop us!

You haven't been together long, give him a chance to adapt.

As for people saying there is no "me" time once you become a parent, what utter rubbish. I am a parent and I get "me" time, DP is a parent and he getd "me" time too. We are humans, we are more than just someone's parents

YABU. And you come across as a bit of a dog in a manger.

But I agree with the other posters that he doesn't sound like he is as serious about this relationship as you.

My DH has always had more holiday time than me, he does things that I don't want to do like go skiing or trekking through jungles on his own and then we have joint holidays that we both want to do.

If I wanted to go on holiday with my babe while on maternity leave, while DP was at work, he would encourage me to, and probably pay for it too!

If you love someone, why would you want to restrict them doing something that makes them a happier, more content person?

YABVU. I'd get really pissed off if my DP tried to stop me going on holiday by myself and I think it'd be vice versa too.

Mine is off to Florida for two weeks later this year, I am going away for a week by myself somewhere too.

But then we discussed it before booking anything, he's going with his Mum and sister to spend time with them and go to the big theme parks, I'm going alone as I love travelling alone and we're going to spend a few weekends checking out the local sites near to where we live and a few weekend camping trips instead of a big holiday this year which was our compromise.

It does seem that there is an imbalance in how you see one another. You see it as a lot more serious than him by the sounds of things.

Although at the moment YABU, if you're considering setting up home with each other I would say HWBU to swan off abroad however many times a year because it's likely to affect the household budget not to mention what you can both afford to do as a couple.

I think perhaps you're better off living separately for a while longer?

Then you can't govern each other's holidays, lifestyles or finances at all...

But then, I'm the sort of old fashioned person that since moving in with DH became a unit and shared pretty much everything. (God that sounds awful writing it down, we're both very strong individuals and still do our own thing I assure you!!! Just not expensive holidays).

"yes he is buying the house and I'll move in. I've told him I'm only paying my current rent to him though (which wouldnt be half the mortgage and bills, its probably more like a third as I dont pay much now). Technically yes, I would be funding his holidays...but then by renting Im just chucking the money away Also he said when we get married one day the house would be in my name too so its not a total non-investment."

Yes it is a total non-investment. This is renting and you will have no more claim on the property than a lodger he wasn't shagging. You are chucking money away where your landlord is him or someone unrelated.

He is dangling the prospect of marriage, so you think you have a durable stake in all this. At present you don't. If this is a joint property, it needs to be a joint purchase in both names. Or you need to be clear in your own mind that it isn't, and that you are happy to be his lodger. But the one thing you really shouldn't do is think it'll all be yours one day because the future he describes may all prove fake.

YABU, he is an adult in a short term relationship. Even if it gets serious and marriage occurs you will both still be adults and not joined at the hip.

I can understand why he doesnt want you on the deeds of his new house if you are only prepared to pay a token rent. Bills should be shared between you both equally if its a partnership. Might change upon marriage if children arrive.

I became a teacher for the holidays , although became one post children.

If I was not married or living with someone I would probably go away for most of my holidays and if my boyfriend of the time could not come I would go anyway . However if I knew there was a place their wanted to go to I would save my trip for a time they could go with me.

Now we have children I am usually away for most of the summer and Easter holiday as a minimum and sometimes do not take DH, but he is fine with that. I have also been on holidays with friends and left DH and the children at home, again I would not go somewhere that either the children or DH really wanted to go to.

He is being slightly thoughtless, and you are over reacting.

Mumsnet is populated by martyrs who never leave their children's side and who haven't been to the toilet alone since 1982 so the idea of couples doing separate things is a little alien.

He's just doing what he is used to doing, maybe the feeling that he can 'just get away' is important to him.

I totally get why you are upset he wants to do the big exciting 'once in a life time' trips without you. My DP had to take 3 weeks holiday at a time I couldn't and fucked off to Cuba without me, which was highly annoying because he knew that was somewhere I really wanted to go. But he didn't do it to be horrible, he had time and also really wanted to go so it mad sense.

Conversely when DP didn't want to do another ski trip I left him at work and went without him. This year I'm doing 2 holidays without him and four with.

I basically trying to say that it would be good to let him know how important the big trips are to you, and get them planned. Then be happy for him to F off elsewhere if he has money and time left over.

Re living in his house without your name on the deeds - I don't see why a relatively new partner should be getting name on the deeds unless they stump up a share of the capital. Personally I would think paying what you currently are renting is quite acceptable - if the location and house are as good.

I think you really need to discuss these issues urgently. 'If we have kids he will rein this in, wont he?' - you really need to know these things before you move forward with your relationship. Will he still go away on holidays and spend your money when you have kids? Will he take the kids away during holiday times and leave you at work? All of these questions you need to discuss before you even think about children together.

Personally I think YABU. I have more holiday than my husband. He is happy for me to go away with friends/family/alone if I wish to. However, I actually feel like I do not want to do this as often now we are married. I can see why this would cause tension, so you both need to agree about what is acceptable in your relationship.

The issue with 'renting' from a partner while cohabiting, is that you are cohabiting, not renting. Even if you have a contract and a room that is technically your bedroom (no-one can let out a bedroom they themselves are occupying), what would happen if you broke up?

Would you seek to enforce the remaining five months of your contract, for example, living separate lives in the same house? Or would one of you want the other one gone pronto? The sort of dependence and uncertainty inherent in a relationship is not compatible with the concept of one partner renting from the other. If you want to sleep with your lodger, that's a different relationship but, they'd remain your lodger, with tenant's rights, if you stopped sleeping together.

Being a lodger with no agreement is a very uncertain position, irrespective of whether you are having (or have had) sex with your landlord.

The Shelter recommended agreement gives a notice period of 28 days, not a number of months. And any mutual agreement about use of common areas plus access to landlord's bedroom can be reached.

But I mentioned it more as an analogy, that 'rent' she pays for living in this house is just as much 'chucked away' as renting fom anyone else as there is no guarantee of future marriage or any stake in the property.

Of course, OP might be happy to just live with him. Especially if the level of rent/bills/household expenses is lower than as a singleton and this lets her amass personal savings which could then form a later marital asset, or the deposit for a place of her own should a marriage not take place and the cohabitation end.

I was just making the point, in response to others, that you can't 'lodge' in someone's bed. (That is called something quite different!)

You have a normal tenancy arrangement, with bedroom and contract, or you don't.

Totally agree with AuntieStella about saving instead of paying rent.

I agree with those who say don't move in together unless you have active plans to marry and have discussed how you see your future life together how you'll split finances/ holidays/ housework, if and when you want kids. Many people move in too early together.
I don't understand why he feels the choice is staying in the UK with you or going abroad alone though. Why doesn't he want to go on a 2 week holiday abroad with you? Would you refuse to go abroad for that long?
I get more holidays than my husband so sometimes go away without him (and often with my kids) sometimes overseas. I wouldn't want my husband trying to control my holidays, on the other hand we discuss our holidays and most are taken together with joint choice of location and when we moved in together we had joint finances and joint names on the deeds from the start.

Well, I think it's ok to move in with someone without that future stuff in place, actually. I've done it, and had no intention of marrying the man nor he me, but it worked for us. As long as you're both on the same page about what it means.

Interesting that the OP never came back on this one.............???

You need to compromise a bit, OP. And quite possibly also consider whether you are on the same page, so to speak, in this relationship.

I've been married to a teacher. I had a generous holiday allowance but nothing like his. So before we had the dcs, we planned our main holiday together but I also accepted that he might like to do more than slouch around the house waiting for me to come home from work when he was on holiday. In fairness, he never booked a "holiday of a lifetime" sort of trip or made any arrangements without asking me. But I didn't think it was reasonable to control what he did with his holidays.

In your case, he's clearly not thought about taking your views into account. Which is selfish. But then he also doesn't sound as if he's thinking of you as a couple either.

I know I'm sad for checking, but, having read the OP's other post about her boyfriend seeing other people well into their relationship and looking at the length of relationship, ages of people etc, I am positive this is the person who posted about her boyfriend retiring early, delaying living together, only allowing her 2 nights a week of his precious time etc.

As I have said before, I'm not trying to out you but you have to accept HE IS JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU and move on.

He isn't going to change and you must know you are just making continual excuses for his behaviour- move on- you deserve better.

YABU. Sorry, but what do you expect him to do with his days while he's not working? I have more holidays that DH, and I often go on holidays alone or with DS. In fact, during the summer, I often have "holidays of a life time" just with DS. You've only been together 18 months, so I think you are expecting too much from him. You don't even live together! I would find you very suffocating.

YABU, there is no need for him to make the most of it until you have children.

This thread is 9 years old ! 🧟‍♀️🧟‍♀️🧟‍♀️

Could I just point out that the OP is almost

A DECADE OLD

*ZOMBIE POST ALERT!