I always argue with OH about holidays...he's a teacher...

[idontunderstandmen]

OK so one for debate. OH is a teacher so gets lovely long holidays. I am not a teacher, I get 25 days a year. We have been together 18 months, moving in together in 6 months. He just spent 2 weeks in Bali by himself for the Easter holiday and Im annoyed cos I couldnt go (also he didnt ask me). We have a 2 week holiday booked for the summer. I have said to him that I'd like us to do the big holidays together, he says I dont have as much holiday as him and he likes to go abroad during holidays, its unfair for me to make him stay in the UK. He has said we can look at sorting out our holidays at the beginning of the year so we have stuff booked together and he'll arrange other trips for the weeks that we dont do things. I can see that but I also wonder how it would work as a couple if he heads off to exotic places without me for weeks at a time. He also said he likes his "me time" and helps him to think about things. I can foresee that Im going to be a bit jealous though! Anyone else in the same situation? If we have kids I think he would probably rein it in...well I would hope so

forgot to mention I am a single parent so that makes it particularly acute. But when you have a baby, no one should be thinking about me time.

It just annoys me when people say they need a lot of it as if it's a special thing for them that no one else can understand. We all need a lot of it - whether it's to be solitary (me, the OP's DP) or whether it's to do something based on hobbies or friends or whatever. It's time when you are not being a partner/parent/whatever. But when you are a grown up with responsibilities you may not get any - when the pressure is on like that I think you can separate the men from the boys. We all want it but what happens if we don't get it? We retreat and moan? Or we deal?

So the plan is to get married then?

In that case I think it is quite ok for you to query whether he envisages his current ideas about holidays continuing once you are married and have DCs.

Things do sound very much on his terms at the moment.

I think you're being really unreasonable. My partner is not a teacher, does that mean I should not do anything he might want to do in the holidays for fear of upsetting him?

I think you need a serious chat with him. I am not one for jetting off on holidays alone and tend to do all the stuff around the house when I'm off because I think that's fair - but it is my choice to do that. If that is what you expect your partner to do but he wants to be jetting off, maybe your lifestyles just aren't compatible.

You dont even live with he bloke and you want to dictate when and where he goes on holiday?

If i was him i would be running for the airport with a one way ticket.

With respect, OP, it sounds like you consider yourself to be in a couple, and he sees himself as...well...single

Ok, well the house situation is a whole other thread but, if you're contributing to the mortgage, rather than just bills, your name should really be on the deeds from the start. You can have an agreement drawn up as 'tenants in common' which specifies what proportion each person owns and can be updated every few years.

Which bedroom will you be renting? One that he occupies too? No, renting doesn't work like that.

I'd be offering a fair split of bills (however you choose to determine that), no rent but you save towards a contribution to his deposit when you marry, reducing the joint mortgage payments at that point, or, if things go differently, a deposit of your own.

Have you explicitly told him you are sad when he goes away on amazing trips for weeks at a time leaving you at home? Do you think this a short term thing whilst he has this money and so he's just taking advantage till he's back to paying a mortgage etc?

'he said when we get married one day the house would be in my name too'

Big of him.

Are you sure he doesn't see you as basically a 'lodger with benefits'?

I think Yootha has it in a nutshell - I don't think he's viewing things in quite the same way you are OP. Maybe that will change in time though.

Also with lottie wrt the paying him rent. You have zero protection form him kicking you out if you give up a proper tenancy to live with him so I'd personally feel uncomfortable about paying towards his mortgage. Half the bills yes. But paying towards a mortgage with no contract to protect you? No.

I think your getting ahead of yourself here. You don't live together yet. He hasn't proposed marriage. His holidays are up to him IMO.

He's showing you he wants a future by booking a holiday and talking about you moving in. Fine but I would stay put unless he is serious and prepared to commit properly

I think I would be more concerned about the house thing than the holidays.

You're

OP a lot of what you've said sounds very familiar, are you the person who posted before who's boyfriend only allows her to see him 2 nights a week.........?

(sorry if you're not it justs sound like a lot of similar info)

Hm. Are you definitely sure you want to move in with him? It's perfectly possible to be a couple, have a lovely time together and live apart and do other stuff with other friends - it's not a race to get to the pipe and slippers stage. That said, if you want to get to the pipe and slippers stage, and see moving in as furthering that, I'd say make sure he's on the same page first!

Agree re the house - if you are moving in together then you both need to be named on the mortgage now otherwise you have zero rights if you break up. You will also have nothing to show for your financial input.

I agree with madbuslady about being on the same page- you talk about having kids and maternity leave and he talks about "me time" foreign holidays and a stake in his house one day when you get married. Are you sure his view of the future and timescales match yours?

Totally agree with yootha. He does not view the relationship in the same way as you.

hmm - well as your not living with him and have separate finances I can see why he doing this but I'd be like you and be worried he'd be doing this once you do move in.

TBH I'd be having a good think about the whole moving in thing - which sound like it might be a while if he is still looking round to buy. Maybe spend a bit more time talking, having fun and finding out if your compatible long term.

OP do you think he could afford to buy the new place and pay the bills etc without your 'rent'?

You don't live together, he doesn't really want to holiday with you and he is buying a house without you, which you will be part funding by paying rent, but will have no legal rights over... But that's ok because it will become your house too when you get married at some point in the future .

Run. Run for the hills.

Agree

Imdon't think he sees you as the long term relationship.

Hhm...I'm a teacher. Dh and I have big holidays, usually camping in UK as that's his thing, but I also go away with my girls to places like Paris and Rome. Dh actively encourages it as otherwise he's working and I'm stuck in the house. That said now we have a baby on the way and so do my friends I'll probably be on family holidays for some time. I'm glad I took the time for my trips when I had the money and time...didn't mean I lived dh any less...in fact I think he's a brilliant man for understanding me and not trying to control me.

I agree with the posts saying he doesn't see this relationship in the same way the OP does.

That's why it reminded me so much of a previous thread. Regardless of if it's the same poster or not, it's a very similar situation.

As I recall he was a teacher who had announced he was planning to retire in the not to distant future without bothering to find out if his partner was happy with it. In a similar way to booking holidays without asking her.

He was selling his house but wouldn't commit to moving in with her- similar to OP saying they are moving in together in 6 months time- what's with the precise time delay?

As I said, it doesn't matter if it is the same relationship, it's so similar that my advice would be to move on- he is more than happy to just suit himself- if that happens to fit in with her then so be it but he doesn't sound like he'll lose any sleep if it doesn't suit her.

Sorry, I think you are being unreasonable. I am a teacher and my holidays are really important to me. I wouldn't give them up for anyone. Lucky I'm married to a teacher.