AIBU?
To think my brother and his partner have a bit of a shoddy attitude?
Sarah0378 · 16/04/2013 17:51
Sorry I don't mean this to be long but I don't want to drip feed.
My brother had 2 children with his ex. They are now 11 & 13. He has been with his current partner for about 6 years, they have 2 children aged 5 & 3. My brother works, his partner used to work but is now a sahm.
During a conversation with our dad the other day he said that DBs partner was really annoyed because they were having to pay maintenance for DBs older kids and she didn't think it was fair the money came out of their benefits (I assume tax credits).
She is also annoyed that as my DB has 2 other kids, they count as child1 & child2 so they only get the lower rate of child benefit for the 2 children she has with DB, child3 & child4 and she thinks this is unfair because they are her first two.
Our dad was suitably outraged along with her about this (think Daily Fail readers). In the same conversation our dad told me that DB loves his gadgets and has just got a new big flat screen and they have recently got a new car. I was a bit 
about this.
DH and I are on one salary, we make allowances and budget so that I can be a sahm to our 2 DC. We manage on one wage that is probably similar to my DBs, except in the country we live in you don't get benefits so we have to budget and tbh it's not rocket science. If we couldn't afford the flat we live in we would move to somewhere we could afford. We didn't have children before we could afford to, that is just the way it is done here. I told our dad that I was quite shocked that if we lived in the UK we would be entitled to quite a few benefits because we can manage on what we have, we're certainly not well off but we pay our bills and have a nice flat. We couldn't afford a car but that's just the way it is and doesn't bother us.
I am quite shocked that my DB and his partner feel so entitled to extra money and get narky when they don't have it all. I can't help feeling that if they wanted 2 children and she wanted to be a sahm then they should learn to budget on what they earn. They would have enough if they didn't own a car and didn't buy gadgets.
How are they even entitled to any type of benefit, is this the standard sort of thing? DBs partner knew from the start that DB had 2 children, why does she think they don't count? They are also the sort of people to complain about schools and NHS but they don't seem to put everything together and think 'You know what, the money has to come from somewhere so if we don't claim benefits we don't really need then there will be more money in the pot for schools and medical care'
Our dad just didn't get it and didn't understand at all why what they are doing is a bit wrong. I'm under the view that benefits should be there for people that actually need them and feel like DB & his partners attitudes are a bit shoddy.
Lovelygoldboots · 16/04/2013 18:02
I don't think you can compare your experience with your brothers. You don't even live in the same country. I don't really understand why you are so pissed off with them and I can see her point about child benefit tbh. But I am a scrounging sahm myself.
LynetteScavo · 16/04/2013 18:06
You have a lot of anger over a few pounds a week child benefit..which is the difference between the first child and the subsequent children.
The partner is out of order not wanting your DB to pay maintenance for his first two children. If he left her, and had 2 children with another woman, I presume she would expect some maintenance.
Are taxes in the country you live in comparable to the UK?
Sarah0378 · 16/04/2013 18:09
Why not Lovely? We all lived in the same country until a couple of years ago. DB & DH earn similar amounts, DBs partner and I are both sahm with 2 DC each that are very similar in age, rents are also very similar in both our areas. I'm not pissed of with them, I just don't understand them and their attitude.
IcingOnTheNappyCake · 16/04/2013 18:09
IMO i dont think you're being unfair, benefits are quite readily available over here, but they're to make it so you dont struggle to live day to day not to pay for you to have a new car and things, its a very controversial subject though, i know a lot of people that really dont agree with me and think if they have kids and they dont work their kids and them should get all the perks of a working family, but its always going to be a big debate over things like this x
teenagetantrums · 16/04/2013 18:11
she will still get CB rate for first child, as long as the other two dont live with them, thier mother will get thier child benifit. When my son lived with his dad for a while my daughter become the first child in the eyes of the CB so money for her went up a bit and my ex got first child for my son.
Sarah0378 · 16/04/2013 18:13
Yes they are (taxes) I think we actually pay slightly more. Please let me say again, I am not angry or pissed off with them, I just find their attitudes shoddy and a bit .
It is mostly DBs partners attitude to the first 2 children I find shocking, she knew he had 2 children already and had to pay for them so what did she expect.
jacks365 · 16/04/2013 18:14
Unless they also claim for dc 1&2 then their first born would count for higher rate cb, its per household not according to having children elsewhere. I would question whether she is claiming she's a single parent and its actually maintenance she's talking about. I do know if there is one claim for 2 children already in place anyone else would only get a lower rate so as not to affect the original claimant. The story sounds very fishy to me.
Sarah0378 · 16/04/2013 18:17
The first 2 DCs mother gets child benefit for them, and DPs partner gets child benefit for her 2, but DPs partner gets the rate for child2 & 3 not the first child rate, if that makes sense. DBs partner apparently went down the office to 'kick off' about them 'taking her money'.
Sarah0378 · 16/04/2013 18:21
You've actually made me wonder now. They are getting married next month and this money talk has only just happened. I wonder if they have been claiming as a single parent and now they are getting married they have to change it. Bloody hell, that's even shoddier.
wordfactory · 16/04/2013 18:21
I am always in shock at women who either don't mind or actively encourage their partner not to support DC from previous relationships!
What woman would want a partner who didn't take his responsibilities seriously? What woman would want a child with someone who didn't take his existing responsibilities seriously?
3MenAndMe · 16/04/2013 18:25
I am totally with you on this,as we lived abroad and returned to UK 10 years ago(job and kids related return).Same as you,we had to rely on our income only,but it was never an issue(there is modest Child Benefit type of money..:)).Even when we return here and I was SAHM for a while ,we still relied on DH income until somebody told us we are entitled to Child Benefit and Tax Credits (DC were 4&6).It was pretty shocking how generous these are,well maybe not Child Benefit.It helps, but I can see how peope are getting used to ''freebies''......
I'm glad I had the experience abroad as it helped me to be more self sufficient,I still don't understand why people brag about benefits and feel so entitled to them...
Sarah0378 · 16/04/2013 18:27
I think the kicking off at the office had to do with other benefits (maybe the tax credits) not just the child benefit so could have been any dwp or job center I guess.
Boney, make no mistake DB is just as unhappy about this as his partner.
Word, I agree.
skippedtheripeoldmango · 16/04/2013 18:28
What woman would want a partner who didn't take his responsibilities seriously? What woman would want a child with someone who didn't take his existing responsibilities seriously?
Sadly, there are plenty of women who are only too happy for their DPs child/children to be effectively financially erased from the landscape....not very forward thinking of them really.
Alwayscheerful · 16/04/2013 18:32
Generally the mother claims cb, as the children have different mothers and are in different households both the eldest children will get the higher rate, as other posters suggest I suspect it is the eldest child in each household.
I would be interested to know what happens with step children, if a mother and father were claiming for their own & step children respectively, would I be correct in assuming the household would only get paid one child the higher rate for the eldest child?
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