AIBU to wonder why more Baby Boomer marriages haven't failed?

[ComposHat]

I was talking to my dad about divorce and they commented about the high rate of divorce amongst his age group.

I am actually surprised that it isn't higher given the 'typical' marriage pattern of baby-boomers. Very early marriages (my parents were engaged at 17 and married at 21 without having serious relationships with other people.)

They'd had no experience of living together or even being an independent adult - both moved straight from their parents homes to their marital home. Several of their friends 'had' to get married as the bride was pregnant (yet a surprising number of these marriages have lasted too)

Late teens seems absurdly young to pick your life partner, I couldn't pick a pair of socks to wear at that age. It seems that the 'typical' baby-boomer marriage was a bit of pot luck and keeping your fingers crossed for the best.

AIBU to be surprised that so many marriages made in these circumstances have turned out to be successful (or at the very least endured!)

I got married at 19 separated at 23

I never feel I failed we were madly in love thought our love would see us through anything, we went through deaths, his brothers murder, his suicide attempt, illness then general life got in the way it was when it was all ok we realised we wanted different things and while he wanted to work at it I did not maybe we could have been happy if I did but I felt trapped. I am sorry I hurt him but your feelings can change and when they do i often wonder is it always worth trying to work it out when I see many couples unhappy but fear letting and even when you know it is not working it still hurts and you still miss them

obviously I do not mean going off as soon as you feel it is not working and when you have children it is more complicated but having to work so hard for so long is that always worth it when it is possible to be happy on your own or with another person

Actually I think its easier to get married young. DH and I met aged 19 and married aged 22 - neither of us had previous relationships.

Its easier to change (ie to grow together) when you are young. Less expectations. No comparisons.

Both now 38 with 3DC - and very happy.

My parents divorced after nearly 40 years. It broke them in a lot of ways - mainly guilt - but they hated each other for the last 20 years.

My grandparents have just died - and hated each other pretty much forever. We all celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary but really they HATED each other. But staying married was supposedly 'enough'.

I've been divorced more than once.... I often feel guilty that I'm "selfish". But you change a lot over the years and I just don't want to live with someone who doesn't like me anymore.

If only myself 33 year old self could have told my 18 year old self some home-truths.

But my 18 year old self would have probably said 'uggggh what the fuck do you know? You're 33 that's fucking ancient' and then slammed the bedroom door shut and start sqeezing my spots.

My 18 year old self would have sneered at Mr Inferior's 16 year old self, that's for sure.

We met at 18 and married young. 25 years later we are together and sort of knocked the rough edges off each other.

I have friends late 30s and early 40s who would like to get married but find they they have had so much independence and freedom they can't bear to be always having to take someone else's feelings into account.

I am so very very glad that I am not of that generation. For all sorts of reasons.

hmm I had my own flat at 17 and had had to move out of home and was working full time. The only person I could have had a strop with at that age would have been the mirror and tbh I didn't have time, so yes people lives and circumstances are different, it has nothing to do with age

OP, I probably fit that category perfectly.

Married at 20, although husband was just 27, never lived together, and neither of us had serious relationships previously, if by that you mean sexual relationships. We had both had plenty of boyfriends and girlfriends though. My husband had lived independently, but I moved straight from parents home to our home as soon as we got back from honeymoon. What might shock you even more is that both of us were virgins when we got married. Yes, really!

We've been very happily married for almost 30 years now, so it's obviously not a bad way to do it.

It used to be that couples who lived together before marriage were more likely to divorce, but it now seems to be the same as people who don't live together. Having a trial run doesn't always show up every potential issue. How many times do we hear on this site that someone will change their behaviour after marriage? And not for the better.

Some people just "know"; I don't think age comes into it.

Like HollyBerryBush said.

I thought a lot of baby boomers were divorced.

They did not have unrealistic expectations of married life. That helps a lot.

I just found a stat that says divorce rate among baby boomers is 38%. Is that not considered high then?

It depends what you mean by unrealistic expectations, doesn't it?

Expecting daily life to be constant romance and excitement and always having that "in love" feeling is what I would class as "unrealistic expectations".

On the other hand, realising that you don't have to put up with abuse and mistreatment, nectar there's no other option, is very much a good thing.

Nectar should read "because". Autocorrect fail.

I met dh on a holiday abroad when I was 19, knew him for a total of two weeks before I realised the was The One, had a 10 years long distance relationship living in different countries, and have now been married for 20 years.

Had a pyschologist comment today on how unusual it is that our marriage is still strong despite the very heavy pressure put on it by dd's illness and mh problems. But then we had a lot of training in pressure from the very start. We were too poor to meet more than twice a year, at times even too poor for phone calls, there was no internet or emails in those days, so a lot of our relationship grew out of letters.

It seems I was mature enough at 19 to make a life changing decision. I knew perfectly well what the difficulties were, what the risks were and decided they were worth taking.

I just found a stat that says divorce rate among baby boomers is 38%. Is that not considered high then?

Yes it is, but given the circumstances a lot of these marriages were made in (very young, 1st bf/gf, straight from family home) I think the interesting statistic is that 62% haven't failed.

Depends how you define 'fail' though. ..

I've found 'the one' ooh, about five times .

The comment about emotional maturity in your teens isn't an offensive one. I look at my parents and see two people whose emotional maturity pretty much fossilised in their early 20s. They're a pair of divorced baby boomers, better off apart and knew it. I think of them though as emotionally stunted and it's not much to do with the divorce, just how they relate to people. More than once I've wondered if they'd have developed 'better' if they'd not settled down at 21/20.

I look at my parents and see two people whose emotional maturity pretty much fossilised in their early 20s. They're a pair of divorced baby boomers, better off apart and knew it. I think of them though as emotionally stunted and it's not much to do with the divorce, just how they relate to people. More than once I've wondered if they'd have developed 'better' if they'd not settled down at 21/20

I could say the same about my own parents (they are still together though) I don't think my Dad has ever really found out who he was or as an entity seperate from my mother.

RAAAAAAAAAAAA - babyboomers are people born between 1946 and 1964. That includes me. I knew no-one who married as a teenager. As women we were being encouraged to get careers. University was free - and there were grants - not loans. I certainly would never put up with a cheating or violent husband. This was not the beginning of the era of divorce, as a young child I had friends whose parents were divorced.
I do know several babyboomers who have very young children so watch out who you are slagging off at the school gate

Oh lord, I was born in 1963 . Well, I don't fit into that group. Not married yet in any case.

That's what I thought dothraki - hardly parent age, but young people, such as myself

it depends on your background surely, mine is working class and I know my mother in the 70s wasn't encouraged into a career. You could go into nursing (which she said all the favourites got picked for) and then it was catering or secretarial college. No other option. She knew of no-one who went to university

I really resent the emotional maturity connotations. My Mother cared for a chronically ill child who died in early adulthood and I myself, as a younger married woman have cared for a severely disabled child. Neither of lack emotional maturity thanks

I don't think it's easier if you get married young, or wait 'til you're older, or travel the world first, or marry the first man who crosses your path.

None of that stuff actually matters, or pre-determines your path, or increases your chances of success.

What matters and makes it (marriage) easier is marrying the right person. Nothing more more, nothing less. It sounds very simple, but it's not, of course.