AIBU to wonder why more Baby Boomer marriages haven't failed?

[ComposHat]

I was talking to my dad about divorce and they commented about the high rate of divorce amongst his age group.

I am actually surprised that it isn't higher given the 'typical' marriage pattern of baby-boomers. Very early marriages (my parents were engaged at 17 and married at 21 without having serious relationships with other people.)

They'd had no experience of living together or even being an independent adult - both moved straight from their parents homes to their marital home. Several of their friends 'had' to get married as the bride was pregnant (yet a surprising number of these marriages have lasted too)

Late teens seems absurdly young to pick your life partner, I couldn't pick a pair of socks to wear at that age. It seems that the 'typical' baby-boomer marriage was a bit of pot luck and keeping your fingers crossed for the best.

AIBU to be surprised that so many marriages made in these circumstances have turned out to be successful (or at the very least endured!)

My and DH's siblings have (10 in total) 5 divorces and marriages of 34, 31, 31, 28, 25, 22, 10 years and 2 are single and 1 deceased.

Have no idea what that proves.

Sorry, just to clarify, my last post wasn't having a go at you Compos - more at some of the rose-tinted spectacle wearers on the thread and those saying 'you just need to work harder at it'.

hmm I think i mentioned we had been through a lot. I wasn't suggesting people put up with abusive relationships. My Father emotionally, physically and financially abused my Mother (I suppose they are baby boomers) I wouldn't wish it on anyone and yes, my Mother put up with it for years and affair after affair after affair until he finally left, or she asked him to leave, and still he continued to financially abuse her

I also think it is pretty normal for someone who has married young and has been a young Mum to become defensive when people are patronising about it because believe me we get enough of it in real life!

One factor is the lack of financial independence of many women of un certain age.

They had no choice but to remain married, having no funds of their own.

My MiL stayed with her DH as there wasn't any other choice for her. 7 children in 11 years, working as a cleaner in a pub in south London, life was grime....

They were also the generation who had gone through the war and then afterwards they were supporting men who had gone through up to 6 years of fighting with very little support or counselling available.

p.s. so nice to read a MN thread with everyone posting their opinions and no flaming..:)

That generation got divorced in huge numbers in their 30s (my parents included) and are now getting divorced in pretty large numbers in their 60s, as the husbands retire and they decide they can't stand the sight of each other. They're the most divorced generation ever!

I think maybe most people had the same ideals that they wanted from their life and they knew the course that they would take and were expected to take. Men would work to pay for the homes and women would have children and stay at home with not many working with young children. Now people have the choice of children, travelling, working, charity etc and things can not be taken for granted if your partner decides to choose a different path than one expected from the outset. A member of my family decided to get married with both expecting not to have children as a decision and not to travel. Subsequently both parties changed their mind with one wanting to take on a travelling role for work meaning time away from the home and the other changed their mind and wanted children. They both felt that it was unfeasible to stay together as they both had changed what they wanted to do with their lives and this was not compatible with the other.

"When I see a very elderly couple walking down the road laughing and holding hands I think it is incredibly romantic; they must have been through so many traumas, sadnesses, financial worries and difficulties in their years together but there they are, many years on - still able to laugh and hold hands."

:o

For all you know they just met and are in the first flush!

I think another big difference is that women in previous generations weren't as isolated as mothers today. Most people stayed close to the town or neighbourhood where they (or their husbands) grew up and had mothers, sisters, cousins, childhood friends etc around for support. SAHMs would exchange babysitting and meet up to chat whilst their kids played together, and a whole group of women would rally round whenever someone had a baby or fell ill...

Men tended to go out more often with their friends and often lived pretty separate lives from their wives (WMCs, darts/cards leagues, race track, golf...) while women relied on other women for their social life.

Today's mothers are under much more pressure to do it all alone, as people move around more for work, university etc and smaller families mean not everyone has sisters or cousins!

But Dads are also under more pressure, as their wives become increasingly dependent on them for the support traditionally provided by other women!

Hardly surprising so many couples break under the strain...

i agree Athing

also agree with whoever said there was alot of romanticising (like the post about the elderly couple holding hands) on this thread.

and that crap about giving up at the first hurdle. sometimes the 'first' hurdle is enough to make you realise it can never work. also, how on earth would anyone outside of the marriage know that a couple had given up at the 'first' hurdle? how do you know it's not the 17th hurdle? people dont tend to advertise the build up to a break up.

My parents split up. Dad died before they got round to divorcing their relationship was unconventional and tempestuous to say the least. Now I have split from DS1's dad and am married to DS2's dad. I work with a young man aged 26 who married his DW when they were 18. They apparently knew that each other was "the one" and two DC are still very happy despite most of their friends still clubbing and playing the field. I guess it is hard to generalise. My grandma had been with my grandad almost 60 years when he died. Prior to that she lived with her parents. Aged 78 she was on her own at home for the first time and it really was hard for her. She ended up having a friend move in. They were both on their own and needed the mutual support.

One of the reasons is that we understood that 'the grass on the other side still has to be cut!' I met my husband at 18 and married at 21. Have had a career and been financially independent.

When I see a very elderly couple walking down the road laughing and holding hands I think it is incredibly romantic; they must have been through so many traumas, sadnesses, financial worries and difficulties in their years together but there they are, many years on - still able to laugh and hold hands.

I occasionally find myself thinking this.

But the baby-boomers aren't really old are they? They are in their mid 60s tops.

I suppose this is in part a reflection of my parents' own marriage. They aren't at each other's throat or anything and neither has done anything 'wrong.'

However I can see how both of them might have been happier - my mum in particular - with other people, but their life together isn't bad enough for either of them to leave, despite them being no financial obstacles to either of them leaving. If there hadn't been the social pressure to 'settle down' with their first serious boyfriend/girlfriend at what seems to me a really young age, I don't think they would have ended up with each other long-term. It would have probably have fizzled out and they'd have moved on.

In my circles, most people my age (mid 30s) have parents in their mid 60s and most of those were not married or not on their first marriage by the time I and my friends got married.

Mostly they stayed together while the children were children (my DH was one of very few of his classmates with divorced parents) but by the time the children are marrying at around 30ish most of them seem to have divorced parents and step parents involved in the (often awkward) wedding planning.

"baby boomers aren't really old are they"

No they aren't; my parents are both mid sixties.

I think they'd probably feel quite put out to be referred to as old!

I work with a young man aged 26 who married his DW when they were 18. They apparently knew that each other was "the one" and two DC are still very happy despite most of their friends still clubbing and playing the field

This is kind of my point, this is the exception now, rather than the rule. Whereas 40 years ago, social expectations dictated that you married young, these days the pressure exerted from friends or family would probably be to NOT to marry so young.

I think the "stay together" generation was definitely pre baby boomer.

My gran and grandpa (born pre first world war) were together until they died and it wasn't a particularly happy marriage. I remember my gran telling me that she wished she'd lived with my grandpa "like you girls do now" before marriage because then she wouldn't have done it...!

I remember my mother's day in the late 40s early 50s.
Washing was a megga affair - no washing machines- everything done by hand, and wringing them out with a mangle. Ironing was also a chore as no electric irons.
She made all our clothes, baked her own bread and all baking and cooking was home made. And most people had very little money and no car , TV or telephone.
In the 60s she had a spinner to replace her mangel, although her more well off neighbour did have a washing machine then and mum did have a Hoover. And she got a part-time job which she loved.

My parents, rest their souls were married for 58 years bless them. They never had a cross word and Dad was thinking of mum right up to her death, even though he was ill. He covered it up well and never told a soul and only lasted 6 months longer.
My dh said they we weird with no falling out as all couples must, sometimes. But they never did, they just lived for each other. 5 years on and I miss them so much.

I think a lot of it was expectations - the idea that a marriage was for life: and, conversely, the idea of a marriage 'failing'. There was a fair bit of stigma around divorce till quite recently.

I have to say I am extremely glad I finally got my act together to chuck the boyfriend I went out with from 19 to 24. The idea of a life with him (which he'd have been very happy with) makes my blood run cold

also I have had masses of enjoyable sex with different people over the years

I have to say I am extremely glad I finally got my act together to chuck the boyfriend I went out with from 19 to 24. The idea of a life with him (which he'd have been very happy with) makes my blood run cold grin that's a good point motherinferior

Almost a thread in itself, but god, to think of who you would have been with if you'd settled down at 18 or even early twenties shudder

I have changed. A lot.

Almost a thread in itself, but god, to think of who you would have been with if you'd settled down at 18 or even early twenties shudder

I shudder too.

I also think how I changed between 18 and 30 and even if I'd married someone whom I had plenty in common with at 18, by 30 it is possible that we'd have grown up in different ways.

At 18 I lacked the emotional intellegence to pick someone on criteria other than what band they liked and if they wore cord flares or not.

DH and I have been together since I was nearly 21 and married when I was 23. He's two years older.

We didn't feel as if we were 'settling down', although obviously we were, I suppose - we felt, for various reasons including my parents' intense disapproval of him and the fact that we were the first by far to get married among our friends, quite rebellious almost. We lived a studenty lifestyle for another few years and had our first child when I was 28.

Things are good. We've grown with each other. I think we're quite lucky to have had that from so young - lucky not in the sense that I think being married at 23 is desirable in and of itself, but just for things having fallen into place in the way they did.

Well I'm 48 this year.

My best mate at school married at 19. They are still together. Two children, two grandchildren. Just tapping on the door of 30 years married now. They've been together since they were 14. Both professional people in case you were wondering. Sickeningly happy sort of people!

Some people just "know"; I don't think age comes into it.

I'd suggest that if you aren't happy in yourself, you wont find happiness with another person. If you are the sort to up sticks when the going get tough - you'll be forever floating about, bemoaning you can't find "the one".