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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to refuse a lift from a man on a first date?

52 replies

squishee · 16/04/2013 12:08

I've just some across a second bloke who wanted to insist and argue the point. His arguments: "I'm the respectable type" (he claims to be a composer) and "but we know each other" (we've exchanged e-mails and spoken on the phone).

AIB that U to have a zero tolerance policy?

And to pull my judgy pants on when a man wants to object rather than respect my wishes?

OP posts:
CrispyHedgeHog · 16/04/2013 12:12

You're absolutely right not to accept a lift.
I did. It didn't end well.

Original poster
squishee · 16/04/2013 12:14

Yikes CrispyHedgeHog.

OP posts:
Ogooglebar · 16/04/2013 12:16

YANBU squishee, I would be the same. But I have several friends who accept lifts and go back to the homes of men they've only just met for the first time in person. They reckon they can know or 'have a feel' for what kind of man he is just from texts and emails. Maybe they do but I wouldn't risk it.

FreudiansSlipper · 16/04/2013 12:17

as soon as a man does not respect you views/wishes you should move on

to some being a woman means you should accept gracefully any form of looking out for/after/help not doing so is being very ungrateful but a decent guy would know this is not the case and accept the reasons why

ElleMcFearsome · 16/04/2013 12:18

This: as soon as a man does not respect you views/wishes you should move on.

glossyflower · 16/04/2013 12:20

Sounds like an arse if he's trying to persuade you to doing something you don't want to do. What is wrong with him just to offer you taxi money to ensure you get home safely?!

IneedAsockamnesty · 16/04/2013 12:20

Yanbu.

YoniRaver · 16/04/2013 12:20

If he is not respecting your wishes and arguing the toss before your first date, then ditch.

jacks365 · 16/04/2013 12:22

Any one who would pressure me so much over a lift would find all communication stopped. Its a sign of manipulative behaviour and controlling and in my case would no longer be needed because i would cancel the date.

LovedayMerryweather · 16/04/2013 12:23

Massive red flag that he's being arsey about it.

maybe send him this link: kateharding.net/2009/10/08/guest-blogger-starling-schrodinger%E2%80%99s-rapist-or-a-guy%E2%80%99s-guide-to-approaching-strange-women-without-being-maced/

louisianablue2000 · 16/04/2013 12:24

As everyone says YANBU. Him arguing about it (especially in the terms he used) would set a red light flashing above his head to me.

ScumbagCollegeDropout · 16/04/2013 12:26

YANBU. If you didn't want to he shouldn't push it and respect you.

But...I have done it Blush. But all is good and I am alive and well and still with him. There was no arguments in my case though.

worldgonecrazy · 16/04/2013 12:27

YANBU if he is not respecting your wishes, which have a valid foundation.

There's also nothing wrong with accepting a lift or invite into the home either, though I would only do that if I fully intended to have sex with the man. Most people are normal, not murderers.

FreudiansSlipper · 16/04/2013 12:27

I still find it hard to be assertive with men in situations like this I get all apologetic as I do not want to come over be rude. it is stupid I know

wtf if I had a daughter I would not be bringing her up to be so grateful it is hard to change when family and society expects you to act a certain way

ScumbagCollegeDropout · 16/04/2013 12:28

*argument

Original poster
squishee · 16/04/2013 12:29

Great link LovedayMerryweather.

OP posts:
YohedYoshoulderYonisandYotoes · 16/04/2013 12:34

Yes, its important to make men know that you view every one as an abuser, rapist, kidnapper etc until proven otherwise. We just aren't going to have a safe society unless everyone is walking on eggshells waiting to be accused of some heinous crime.

On the other hand, saying no to a lift is fine.

Fakebook · 16/04/2013 12:36

If he's the "respectable" type, he'd respect your wishes and wouldn't need to argue his respectability. Hamburger.

Fakebook · 16/04/2013 12:37

Hamburger = yanbu

expatinscotland · 16/04/2013 12:40

I would completely cancel any date with this person, cease contact and block. GIANT red flags waving.

Original poster
squishee · 16/04/2013 12:43

Hamburger = autocorrect?

OP posts:
Original poster
squishee · 16/04/2013 12:44

Thank you for your responses.

OP posts:
Ogooglebar · 16/04/2013 12:45

I don't know if I'd go as far as ceasing all contact, based on what OP has said. He could have just been trying to reassure her that he's not a maniac. If he was being really argumentative about it then yes, maybe that's a red flag.

There's a big difference between not taking unnecessary risks with a person you've never met before and assuming he's a criminal until proven otherwise.

K8Middleton · 16/04/2013 12:50

Hmm. I think he has a point because rapist and serial killers when pressed would just blurt out their intentions wouldn't they? I mean it's not like they would go to great lengths to avoid detection is it?

Oh, hang on...

Ogooglebar · 16/04/2013 12:58

True K8 but I think if I was a man it would be a natural reaction to try to reassure my date that I wasn't crazy. Doesn't mean the OP should believe him, of course.

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