to refuse a lift from a man on a first date?

[squishee]

I've just some across a second bloke who wanted to insist and argue the point. His arguments: "I'm the respectable type" (he claims to be a composer) and "but we know each other" (we've exchanged e-mails and spoken on the phone).

AIB that U to have a zero tolerance policy?

And to pull my judgy pants on when a man wants to object rather than respect my wishes?

but he wanted to argue the point meaning he wanted her to change her mind and do as he wished

they were not debating politics it was about her and what she wanted, if someone will not accept you know what is right for yourself (and so early on) then that is a red flag. it does not mean he is a rapist or an abusive man but he is not a man that thinks you feelings are as valid as his own

A natural response to declining a lift would be: "Are you sure?" and then when the woman confirms she's sure, the man would drop it. Its not a natural response to try so hard to convince her like in the OP.

Yanbu. Like that article says if he won't take no in a non sexual setting, is he likely to accept no in other circumstances.

'I don't know if I'd go as far as ceasing all contact, based on what OP has said. He could have just been trying to reassure her that he's not a maniac. If he was being really argumentative about it then yes, maybe that's a red flag.'

She said NO to a lift. She has not met this man and he's already disrespecting her and gaslighting her and you'd still keep in touch? May not be a crim, but sure is a creep.

NO means NO. Those who haven't learned that are not worth being in contact with.

'A natural response to declining a lift would be: "Are you sure?" '

A natural response would be, 'Okay. What time shall we meet?'

yanbu OP

I agree with expat

Expat, I meant if the guy was checking she wasn't just saying it out of politeness.

It's hard to tell from the OP how argumentative he was about it, but I'd go with my instincts if I was her, and she clearly doesn't feel comfortable about the guy (or even believes him that he's a composer!)

I generally think that if a man has to reassure you that he's "respectable", it suggests that he is not behaving that way.

It's a lift home, not an organ donation. Don't see why the conversation has to proceed beyond "no thanks."

It's very, very sad that so many women have learned that their saying, NO is conditional. It's not to anyone who is actually 'respectable'.

'Would you like a lift?' 'No, thanks.' 'Okay, I'll see you there at 7 o'clock. Looking forward to it. Bye!'

If anyone goes out of their way to say they are/aren't something, it's usually BS!

Cynical but hey ho.

You said no, he didn't accept that.

"but you know each other" & he's "respectable".

Nice try on his part.

Move on...asap.

It's v unlikely he's a murderer, but you already know that.

But I'd flatly refuse the lift too, as it takes away your freedom on the night. If you want to leave early or whatever. It gives him too much power in that sense.

You are very reasonable.

I'd be concerned about any man who hadn't yet understood the difference between what he knows of himself and how others may perceive him, as it suggests self-absoprtion and lack of empathy.

A decent man will want to give you the opporunity to get to know him, at your own pace, if he's serious.

I think the other most likely reason for him trying to insist on offering a lift is that he's the kind of man who thinks men should do the driving and men should pay for the meal and ladies shouldn't be allowed to order drinks at a bar. Personally I'd avoid anyone who thought like that.

YANBU.

If you don't want a lift, for whatever reason, then I'd expect the man to respect that. They might ask "Are you sure?" if they think you're just being polite and don't want to be a bother, but going on and on about their respectability and how you know each other is just pushy and off-putting.

sensible. You wud be vulnerable

If anyone goes out of their way to say they are/aren't something, it's usually BS! Two words... Posh Spice.

YANBU, he is one to avoid.

mrsterrypratchet

Politely refusing a lift = reasonable

Insisting on the lift anyway = unreasonable

I would probably do the "Are you sure? It's no bother" routine if someone said no, in case they were just being polite by refusing, but if they still said no after that then I'd accept their answer!

I agree with everyone.

It's perfectly fine for you to set your safety boundaries, and if he says anything other than "yes, of course, I just thought I'd offer!"
then RED FLAG, RUN RUN

Great big red flag

I turned down his offer of a lift having to scrap politeness, and be very clear about my (personal safety) reasons. Which he tried to argue his way around. He was trying to stress that he's no psycho. But would a psycho not do the same?

It was quite uncomfortable having to explain that No actually, I don't trust you, and I can't make an exception just because you claim to be known to me via e-mail / decent. We've never met. End of. Which he did accept, once I'd spelled out the issues.

Ok that doesn't sound good squishee, he sounds like a controlling knobhead.

OK. I was wondering, what's wrong with a walk after dinner?