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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this is rude? Wedding invite/Gift related.

110 replies

DearJohnLoveSavannah · 15/04/2013 16:05

I've been invited to a wedding in June, I used to be quite close to the bride (lived together for 2 years) however due to her moving away, busy lives etc we only get to chat now and again - mostly over email.

I got an invite to her wedding as an evening guest - which from the above of us not being as close anymore is totally fine. All day guests should be for family and close friends.

The part that annoys me is that included in my invitation was a gift list. I've had a look and the cheapest thing I could see was £60.

Is it cheeky to expect or hope that people who have only been invited to the evening reception to buy you something an all day guest would?

OP posts:
SirChenjin · 16/04/2013 21:17

We only gave a gift list to those who asked for one - I don't think it's really 'on' to just stick one in the invitation. Plenty of people chose to buy their own gift rather than asking for a copy of our list, which was brilliant - we were just very grateful for anything we received.

I think £60 is far too much to expect people to spend, so I'd just do my own thing and give vouchers or something else in my price range.

WafflyVersatile · 16/04/2013 21:18

gift voucher for £20. It might have been sensible to say on the list 'or gift voucher contributions' and, for that matter '..or nothing at all. no gift necessary'.

echt · 16/04/2013 21:20

I think it's vulgar and bad manners to include a gift list in any invitation. If the invitee (is that a word?) asks what they might buy, then sending the list is OK.

twooter · 16/04/2013 21:20

Go traditional, and get them a toast rack. I bet they haven't got one.

TheCatIsUpTheDuff · 17/04/2013 09:24

What's grabby about preferring no present to one that won't be used? It's the opposite. It's grabby to say "I don't mind what you buy me, whether I like it, have room for it, can use it or not, I just expect a present."

MorrisZapp · 17/04/2013 09:31

One good tip for evening do's is to take your favourite tipple along in a gift bag, and hide it under your table. When the disco kicks in, nobody will notice you serving yourself your own drink.

A very nice lady was doing this at a do I was at last week! Hotel bar prices can be £££ so why not.

DontmindifIdo · 17/04/2013 10:04

dondraper - see, it would be rude of a couple to say "don't go off list" but for someone else giving you the advice, this is vv good advice! If a couple have done a list, then this is a list of things they want/need. If you get them something that's not on the list, then either you are risking getting them something they have already got, something they don't want or something they want/need that isn't quite right (so they need bedlinen, you've got one colour which they'll use but they'd prefer bedding to match their bedroom colour scheme etc). Or you accidentally get something that's on the list, but as you don't buy it from the list, it is still on there as avaiable to buy and they end up with two of the same thing.

Plus if you go off list you risk going into the nicknacks territory. I always find it odd that so many people think they should know how other people should decorate their house.

Jins · 17/04/2013 10:11

It's always list or vouchers for me. We didn't send a list out but we were asked for one. There were things ranging from £1.99 (and we'd have been more than happy with nothing) but we ended up with a hideous array of vases, photo frames and pink towels. It's such a waste of money.

GobShizz · 17/04/2013 10:33

"I had a baby and managed to get over 50 thank you cards out by the time the baby was 3 weeks old. I was exhausted, in pain and dealing with a newborn. BUT it's good manners to say thank you in a timely fashion.

You only got married! Your priority should be saying thank you to those people who had generously got you a gift imo. "

Did you know that tradition dictates that you actually have twelve months to get wedding cards out, as you are meant to include a photo of the day in wedding thank you cards? Pre-digital wedding photos used to take months to get back from a wedding photographer. You know, also, of course, that it takes a while to actually receive the presents from a wedding list provider, too?

The advent of digital photography means the photo side of things takes less time these days, but still. We had cards custom printed from one of the official photos, as we wanted them to be a proper memento of the day rather than a geenric "thank you" from a supermarket. If any of my guests consider me lazy for not getting custom cards out to them within eight weeks of "only" getting married, then fuck 'em, frankly.

mirai · 17/04/2013 14:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GobShizz · 17/04/2013 15:47

You're welcome Mirai! Congratulations on "only" getting married!

breatheslowly · 17/04/2013 18:24

We recently received a thank you before the wedding for our gift of vouchers - the list was so long that I wanted to let the B&G choose what from their incredibly long list they actually wanted as they would otherwise only get part sets of everything they wanted (20 place setting dinner service anyone?).

I thought it was a bit odd to write a thank you in advance. I thought the point of thank yous was also to thank people for attending and reminisce about the day and overwhelm the B&G in their first weeks of married life and start as you mean to go on with the bride nagging the groom to do his ones. So please could I have the MN collective judgement on this.

expatinscotland · 17/04/2013 18:29

I've had generic texts and emails as thank you's.

And also had nothing at all.

DeskPlanner · 17/04/2013 18:46

Dragon, give £20. Doesn't really matter what she gave you, but if her wedding is costing you loads, £20 is more than enough.

thermalsinapril · 17/04/2013 19:50

If any of my guests consider me lazy for not getting custom cards out to them within eight weeks of "only" getting married, then fuck 'em, frankly.

Hear, hear.

Also, guests shouldn't be surprised if they don't receive a thank you, if they haven't attached the gift label properly so it falls off, and the couple then have no idea who it's from!

sukysue · 17/04/2013 20:57

You got a poxy evening invite (that all and sundry go to) with a few bits of Iceland food for an apology of a buffet fter (usually)and they want a pressie for 60 quid...... they are taking the piss! I personally wouldn't go.

Wishwehadgoneabroad · 18/04/2013 17:33
Hmm

Well, we're not in the dark ages now! Photo cards can be made super quickly. My photography knows we will be using one for the thank you cards, and is getting us that one print within the week so that cards can be sent by 3 weeks after the wedding at the latest.

By only getting married...I mean..it's not like you're tired, in pain or otherwise have distractions! All the hard work was up to the wedding now. You really have no reason not to get thank you cards out imo.

To think you can just take all the time in the world, but still find time to cash people's cheques is rude. (that's the bit that always amuses me..people find it quite easy to get to the bank to cash £50 but can't get a simple thank you card out!)

MumOfTheMoos · 18/04/2013 17:34

The gift list is not unreasonable but the lack of lower value items is.

HorryIsUpduffed · 18/04/2013 17:39

In the first few weeks after your wedding you are supposed to be too busy on honeymoon and then having continuous glorious triumphant earth-shattering mind-blowing sex to have time for anything else.

The old rules come from when the DH went straight back to work and DW kept the house and had nothing better to do with her time than handwritten thank-you notes...

HerRoyalNotness · 18/04/2013 17:46

I think you should just buy what you can afford or how much you want to spend, regardless of whether you're invited to the whole event or just the day.

We once bought a very sweet couple a nespresso machine for their wedding. They threw it on the list thinking never in a million years would anyone buy it. At the time we could afford it, and thought that it would bring them much happiness as they don't have much. And it does! We'd even put off buying one ourselves due to cost!!

Wishwehadgoneabroad · 18/04/2013 17:46

Good manners shouldn't go out of fashion imo. Just saying! Grin

LippiPongstocking · 18/04/2013 17:50

Wishwehadgoneabroad "By only getting married...I mean..it's not like you're tired, in pain or otherwise have distractions!"

How on earth could you possibly know that? Are you psychic? Do all brides do fuck all after getting married? Is it the fifties? Do no brides have jobs? Do no brides get married when they're ill? Do no brides have babies of their own?

Well done you for giving birth and saying thank you so quickly. Hopefully one day people will realise your suffering and give you the Biscuit you so richly deserve

Moominsarehippos · 18/04/2013 17:54

You can bet that all the £60 items have long gone and you're left with the £150 avocado bowls of grapefruit spoons.

Blondeshavemorefun · 18/04/2013 18:38

i love lists as means the couple are getting something they want rather then 10 toasters

saying that £60 is a huge amount

as others have said maybe cheaper stuff went first

get vouchers for the store they have chosen or as you said euros for honeymoon, tho depends where they are going, may not use euros

ZenNudist · 18/04/2013 18:45

I included gift list with evening invites. But I didn't expect anything per se. At the time I didn't mumsnet so I had no idea it was 'cheeky' I just thought it standard and never thought anything of other people for doing it.

There's no obligation to get a gift for an evening do. Personally if I like someone I want to buy them a wedding gift. It will be remembered for years afterwards.

Mind you I do still remember certain people who didn't get us anything!!!!