to think this is rude? Wedding invite/Gift related.

[DearJohnLoveSavannah]

I've been invited to a wedding in June, I used to be quite close to the bride (lived together for 2 years) however due to her moving away, busy lives etc we only get to chat now and again - mostly over email.

I got an invite to her wedding as an evening guest - which from the above of us not being as close anymore is totally fine. All day guests should be for family and close friends.

The part that annoys me is that included in my invitation was a gift list. I've had a look and the cheapest thing I could see was £60.

Is it cheeky to expect or hope that people who have only been invited to the evening reception to buy you something an all day guest would?

[angelos02]

I wouldn't expect an evening guest to buy a present at all.

[GobShizz]

Go. Don't go. Buy a present. Don't buy a fucking present, but STOP JUDGING YOUR FRIENDS, people! It's not the bridal party who look like arseholes when you do.

Arranging a wedding is one of the most stressful things you can do (empirically proven), along with arranging funerals, getting divorced, and moving house. If you wouldn't be this judgemental about those things, why be this judgemental about this?

It's not YOUR damn wedding.

[kickedatschool]

this was my argument at our wedding. a list of things desired, sent out only on request from guest and not until, including a range of things at different prices and not from a specific shop where a potato peeler, say, may cost £9. apparently his half of the family (pils/sil) were not happy at all... my half were relieved they could pop down to wilkos and get a couple of towels for less than a tenner. still got those towels. they are doing well nine years on!

the cheapest at £60 is unaffordable.

[DontmindifIdo]

Well, it could be there were cheaper things on the list but day invites got their invites first, have already logged on and bought all the more reasonably priced things... Check at the bottom, does the gift list give the chance to buy vouchers? I believe most do so that the B&G can use those to get any of the bits they would have most liked from the list but didn't get.

Remember, you are under no obligation to get them anything, you don't have to. If you would get them something, then get vouchers for that shop to the value of what you would like to spend.

[DearJohnLoveSavannah]

Well in the invite it pretty much said (I don't remember the exact words without looking because it was a poem)

That basically they would either like something from the list OR a generous donation towards their honeymoon.

Think I might just give them some Euros.

[Wishwehadgoneabroad]

I've been invited to two weddings recently as an 'evening only ' guest.

Both included gift lifts with their invites.

I also thought this was cheeky (incidently, I am on another thread at the minute, as getting married, and we don't even have a guest list! We would just love people to come and appreciate how much it costs just attending a wedding)

I bought a present for both. Not off the list, but I had a look at the list to get an idea of their taste. I also made sure that I bought something from somewhere where they could take it back (John Lewis, M&S in this case) if it wasn't to their taste.

Best bit. Neither bride has sent me a thank you card. Or said thank you. So actually, I rather wish I hadn't bothered!!!!

Given that I didn't get food/drinks as an evening guest, it really did cost me to attend their special day.

If you want to, get them a gift. But honestly, don't feel obliged. Don't let it affect your view of whether you want to attend or not though.

[GobShizz]

Neither bride has sent me a thank you card. Or said thank you. So actually, I rather wish I hadn't bothered!!!!

Oh, now, that IS crappy. Mind, it's taken me two months to send out my own thank you's. WIBU?

[Floggingmolly]

The gift list being distributed to the evening shift is beyond cheeky.
Wht are you actually invited to, in the evening? Basically a bar, where you can buy your own drinks, while listening to some shite 70's tribute band...
If you're not a close enough friend to merit being wined and dined at the reception, I wouldn't even go think a gift is needed.

[Floggingmolly]

Mother of Jesus!! . They asked for a generous donation!
Did they use the word generous or did they overstep the boundaries of good taste even further by actually specifying the amount????

[HorryIsUpduffed]

It takes bloody ages to do thank-yous.

It gets on my tits when people with a large budget buy several small things from the list, rather than one big thing. The whole point of small things on the list is so those on small budgets can spend small amounts. Argh.

I think picnic blankets are good wedding presents. My most memorable off-list gift.

[TheCatIsUpTheDuff]

Please don't go off-list. They've almost certainly got a house full of stuff and don't want any more stuff that they don't need or want. If they did need or want it they'd have put it on the list. Give them £20 worth of Euros if you want, or just a card and buy them a drink on the day.

[Angelico]

I actually like gift lists for whole day invitations, although I do feel free to ignore them. But for an evening do - no way. Like Horry's idea of picnic blanket :) And ditto Horry to idiots buying up all the small items - we deliberately had some small items for a fiver or tenner on our gift list and one of the wedding party got us a hundred quid's worth of small items instead of one larger item, leaving nothing under forty quid.

[TeeBee]

Write out card, attach cellotape, then stick it to any random present when you arrive. Problem sorted!

[Weegiemum]

We had a (personally made up not in a shop) list.

In our invites we had an information sheet - map to church, directions to venue, suggested accommodation (£20+ pppn in 1994), number to ring for info about gifts if you wanted (my dad held the list).

We got pretty much everything on our (quite short) list, plus lots of vouchers for places we like and some cash/cheques.

And from good friends, some amazing personal gifts. A lovely Latin American painting from a bunch of guests who had done a work team with dh in Bolivia. Small bookshelf with 5 of their fave books from a school friend I'd done CSYS (A-level) English with. A fondue set from people we'd visited for a fondue which we loved. A hand-made table warming-tray from dh's (ironsmith) grandfather. 2 amazing Chinese paintings a friend had bought for us in Chengdu while on an exchange visit).

The list you are facing is a cheek. Either give vouchers/cash or if you know them well, something you know will be appreciated!

[DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper]

Please don't go off-list.

See, I hate this attitude. And you never know if you're dealing with a bride who thinks like this. :(

Some of our friends have fabulous taste and I loved some of the pressies we got (again, didn't have a list). Likewise, DH and I have really gone out of our way for friends we're really close to and know well to get things we hope they will really love, and will use (even if just for special occasions) or display for years to come.

There's something so pedestrian and functional about some wedding lists and part of the joy of giving to someone you love and know well is really thinking about them, their personalities and what they love, and getting a gift to reflect that. Not all of us have hideous, Waterford crystal-esque taste.

'Please don't go off list' seems so grabby and ungrateful to me.

[DioneTheDiabolist]

YANBU. £60 is not a cheap present. It's quite cheeky. That's why I prefer it when they request money or vouchers (that way you can choose the amount). I would give a voucher for the shop indicated on the wedding list.

[HorryIsUpduffed]

BigglesDraper that's my feeling really.

Mind you, one relation bought us a rolling pin (among other requested kitchen utensils) because it wasn't on the list "and everyone needs one". We already had one...

Off list gifts have to be one-offs or very carefully planned - we had a particular mirror on the list, so a friend bought a matching photo frame from the same range; another friend bought us a breadmaker which we didn't know we needed (it has had soooo much use).

[Letitsnow9]

Is it that she hasn't put anything cheap on the list or have all the other people going to the wedding brought up all the cheaper options?

[GreenLeafTea]

Lots of lovely things for around the thousand pound mark. Just get them an ash tray ;)

[Floggingmolly]

I got some fabulous Waterford Crystal, DonDraper, (didn't have a list), it's not exactly useful, but it's definitely not hideous.
Just felt I had to make that point, I actually totally agree with the essence of your post

[DragonMamma]

I think £60 minimum is really cheeky for an evening guest. We had a small gift list and the cheapest thing was £10 and the most expensive was £100.

Funnily enough, I'm in a wedding gift dilemma myself - somebody who I lived with for 4 years and has been one of my best/closest friends came to my wedding last year. She shared a Travelodge for £19 with her fiance and another friend (so not extortionate and one of the reasons we chose our venue was that it was within walking distance - not expensive to attend as lots of free booze. Anyway, she gave us £20 as a gift in a card. Which is a lot less than I give for a day event, especially for a close friend.

Anyway, her wedding is coming up and I'm not sure whether to give her the same or give her what I would usually? Her wedding is costing a lot more to attend as is split over venues and everybody has to get taxis because of the way she has worked everything out.

[Floggingmolly]

Give her £20.

[Wishwehadgoneabroad]

gobshiz Yes! You are being unreasonable!!!

I had a baby and managed to get over 50 thank you cards out by the time the baby was 3 weeks old. I was exhausted, in pain and dealing with a newborn. BUT it's good manners to say thank you in a timely fashion.

You only got married! Your priority should be saying thank you to those people who had generously got you a gift imo.

I say I wish I hadn't bothered, because four months on, I still haven't had a thank you...

[Wishwehadgoneabroad]

OH. and imo it's crappy not to say thank you