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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want a baby shower?

45 replies

josine32 · 15/04/2013 00:46

Hi there ladies,

You firstly think 'what's she on about?!' but let me explain. I am Dutch, and am 6 months preggers (also am getting hitched next weekend - woo hoo!!) and in Holland we have nothing like what people know as 'baby showers' in the UK. Spoke to my mother the other day about this and she literally refused to understand me wanting one before baby is here - tried to explain to her the concept of what it is but she said she could just see it as a waste of time. She also said she had literally no intention of helping with the finger buffet I am planning on making mainly for the English side of the family. To top it off she said there was no way in hell she would let me change my surname (we don't do this in Holland) They might be small things but they have really hurt me.

Am I being a stroppy knickers or is she?Blush

Advice please ladies!

OP posts:
noblegiraffe · 15/04/2013 00:49

We don't usually have them in the UK either, it is an American thing. I've never been to one and don't know anyone who has has one so you might want to rethink if you are simply doing it for the English side of the family.

MaBumble · 15/04/2013 00:50

I'm not a huge fan of baby showers, but if you want one have one! Same with changing your name. Your Mum is entitled to her own opinion, and can choose not to get involved, but you are a grown up and can make your own choices.

Congratulations on both impending wedding & baby :)

caroldecker · 15/04/2013 00:50

Baby showers are not UK things either, YABU

CoolaSchmoola · 15/04/2013 00:55

Agree baby showers are not a UK 'thing' and tbh I find them a bit naff and grabby.

I don't get the point of them other than to get people to buy you presents. Yup, grabby.

Original poster
josine32 · 15/04/2013 00:58

Thanks a lot ladies for replying! That is true though have read of women here who have done them. Mother seems to literally refuses to accept me wanting to be with her, my sister and others to talk about the baby. Actually went to my sister's wedding in Holland a couple months ago and I had my dress tucked in my knickers for a good half an hour. She didn't say a word.

OP posts:
IYoniWantToBeWithYou · 15/04/2013 00:59

YABU 'baby shower' is code for 'give me presents' they are just pointless and tacky imo.

Your Mother can't stop you changing your name if thats what you want to do though, what will she do? Ground you? Grin

Original poster
josine32 · 15/04/2013 00:59

(Not on purpose, of course)

OP posts:
Original poster
josine32 · 15/04/2013 01:01

Iyoniwanttobewithyou - She would like too but it's rather difficult at a distance!

OP posts:
overmydeadbody · 15/04/2013 01:02

I sense there is a bigger picture here, than just the baby shower and name.

Obviously you can host whatever party you want, for whatever reason, and change your name to whatever you want. Your mother is entitled to her opinion but you don't have to listen to it.

Baby showers are not UK things, they are American, although becoming more and more trendy here in the UK as well, like iwth a lot of American things...

IYoniWantToBeWithYou · 15/04/2013 01:03

Is she having a bit of difficulty accepting you are a grown up who can make your own choices without her input now?

Original poster
josine32 · 15/04/2013 01:10

Over my dead body - Yes think she would just like me to go back to Holland and get married there as my sister's done as she is rather old fashioned tbh

Iknowhatyouwant (sorry cant remember your exact name but don't want to delete this post to find out) - you're right!

I'm just worried she's going to be a stroppy mare at the wedding next Sat and try to do her upmost to spoil the day. Too pessimistic maybe but you can understand where I'm coming from!

OP posts:
LRDtheFeministDragon · 15/04/2013 01:24

I think you should go for it.

It is a nice thing to do and I believe that there is an actual correlation between good support during pregnancy/newborn stage and good outcomes with PND.

Your mum's attitude is a bit sad, but I hope you can enjoy a party whether or not she comes. If it's the 'shower' bit she objects to, can you tweak it a bit and stress that you are having a nice party to keep you happy through the last months, and you'd love her to join you?

If she is just stroppy about everything - FFS talk to her now. You will regret not having it out if she is stroppy at your wedding, let alone when your baby is here - that is much more important than a shower!

Take the time, sit her down, and tell her she is upsetting you and you are feeling worried. With luck she will see she's been getting a bit OTT.

Best of luck with it all.

BenjaminButton172 · 15/04/2013 07:25

For all the children there has been in my family and amongst friends (and there has been a lot) i have never attended a baby shower.

Apart from getting presents whats the point of them?

IDoTakeTwo · 15/04/2013 07:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thegreylady · 15/04/2013 07:39

Your mum can't tell you what to do. If you are getting married then most (though not all) women use their husband's surname for administrative convenience and to signify the new family unit that you become when you marry. As for the baby shower I have never been to one-they are not a UK thing but there is no reason why you can't have one if you want one. Your mum is just finding it hard to let go. Many congratulations on your wedding and your future baby Thanks

2rebecca · 15/04/2013 12:12

I've never been to a baby shower and many Scots buy very little for the baby prebirth as a superstition thing.
I'm not sure why you need your mother's permission to change your surname, I'd have thought as an adult even in Holland it's not up to her so don't understand the bit about her not "letting you" do this.
She sounds self obsessed, controlling and unpleasant which is sad. If you want to change your name or hold a finger buffet just do it, you may be best not inviting your mother if she may spoil the event. it sounds as though you need to lower your expectations of your mother.

EuroShaggleton · 15/04/2013 12:59

As others have said, baby showers are not a UK thing, they are a US thing. A small minority have them here, probably copying American TV shows, but it is not the norm. Most of my friends have babies and none of them have had one.

The name thing is your choice. I don't understand why anyone name changes in this day and age but if you want it. it's up to you.

LilyAmaryllis · 15/04/2013 13:09

I think, have the baby shower if you want it, but focus on the English side of the family. I'm assuming you are living in the UK so it would be a nice way to getting to know the English side of the family more, because they are going to be closer on-hand when the baby is born, if you need short-term quick support it would be good to be able to look to them.

The other thing is, I also assume this is your first child? Yes a baby shower might seem "grabby" BUT also people need to get all the baby kit together. Have you any friends or relatives who can give you 2nd-hand hand-me-downs? I was lucky to spend my first pregnancy being given almost everything 2nd-hand. But if this isn't the case then a baby shower might be useful for this?

MrsSpagBol · 15/04/2013 13:14

THANK YOU Ido

"I suspect what you want from a baby shower is some female support and bonding rather than gifts,"

FINALLY !!!!!!
someone who ACTUALLY understands what baby showers are about!

So tired about reading people's comments on MN saying they are "grabby" and "greedy" and so on.....that is TOTALLY not my experience of them and I have been to loads (totally the norm where I am from). It's all about a day to celebrate becoming a new mum, spoiling the mum to be and giving advice or help if requested, discussing any fears, hopes, aspirations, excitement, passing on anecdotes and general wisdom - all round girly fun.

So tired of all the "grabby" comments!

edwardsmum11 · 15/04/2013 13:48

Yabu, they are a yankee thing.

iZombie · 15/04/2013 14:19

Instead of having a baby shower, perhaps just have a ladies night in? No expectations from anyone then:)

GobShizz · 15/04/2013 14:19

Judging by some of the wedding list threads here, you're one of the worst people on earth for wanting a baby shower, how dare you!

But seriously, don't let your mum ruin your days - if you want to change your name do so (but don't feel obliged, many UK brides don't bother), and if you want to have a "baby shower" then do that too. And make sure you enjoy it!

fishcalledwonder · 15/04/2013 14:28

My baby shower was wonderful. Just my mum, sister, gran and 6 close friends in the garden with tea and cake. No balloons or games or piles of presents. A lovely way to relax before the baby arrives and share the excitement.

If your mum doesn't want to share that with you, arrange it with people who do.

2rebecca · 15/04/2013 17:00

Why is the excitement of being a parent something to be only shared with women though?
There are plenty of threads of women complaining about blokes not pulling their weight with child rearing yet here we are talking about a party that has to be women only because it's all about babies. it sounds like 1950s sexist nonsense to me.
If you want to discuss the excitement of impending parenthood why can't you discuss it with your husband and male sibs as well as female ones?
I've never been a "girlie" woman though and most of my friends are similar so I can't imagine us all sitting round discussing babies for hours on end, there's only so much you can say about prams and babygros.

BackforGood · 15/04/2013 17:06

My feeling is you celebrate the safe arrival of the baby, by popping round after the birth (with a gift, usually).
Of course there's no reason to not spend a couple of hours relaxing with friends or relatives at any stage in your life, but calling it a "Baby Shower" tends to indicate it is a grabby 'bring me a present' event.
Why not just say "Can we get together for lunch or afternoon tea or wahtever, as it's probably the last chance I'll get to relax without tending to the baby"