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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want a baby shower?

45 replies

josine32 · 15/04/2013 00:46

Hi there ladies,

You firstly think 'what's she on about?!' but let me explain. I am Dutch, and am 6 months preggers (also am getting hitched next weekend - woo hoo!!) and in Holland we have nothing like what people know as 'baby showers' in the UK. Spoke to my mother the other day about this and she literally refused to understand me wanting one before baby is here - tried to explain to her the concept of what it is but she said she could just see it as a waste of time. She also said she had literally no intention of helping with the finger buffet I am planning on making mainly for the English side of the family. To top it off she said there was no way in hell she would let me change my surname (we don't do this in Holland) They might be small things but they have really hurt me.

Am I being a stroppy knickers or is she?

Advice please ladies!

OP posts:

countrykitten · 15/04/2013 17:24

Baby showers and naff,tacky and American to boot so you would not be doing anything for the UK side of the family.

And 2rebecca I completely agree with you about the sexist aspects of these horrible things - why?

TheYoniOfYawn · 15/04/2013 17:34

I had a baby shower before each of my babies were born. It was a chance to get together with the experienced mothers in my circle, and be wished luck and given advice by people who had already been there (and to eat cake). A couple of people gave presents, but it really wasn't expected. I did ask each guest to give me a bead. I strung them together to make a necklace which I wore in labour, as a sort of symbol of everyone who was supporting me. Those necklaces are among my most treasured possessions.

HappyMummyOfOne · 15/04/2013 17:45

If its about female bonding, then why not just a girls night in or meal out. By calling it a baby shower it comes with the expectation of a gift and us tacky.

Then people have the dilema if having to get a cingrtulatios card and another gift when the baby actually arrives.

AuntieStella · 15/04/2013 17:49

It's not a strong English tradition. But if you do it, he important ting is that you must not host it as you are the honouree

Shower is short for "shower with gifts" (and it's obligatory to bring a gift) so it also looks terribly grabby if you do it for yourself.

If you just want to host a nice party for friends/family before the baby arrives, don't call it a shower.

SimplyRedHead · 15/04/2013 17:56

I had a baby shower last week and it was lovely. I organised it myself and it was a great opportunity for the girls to get together at my house and spend the evening coo-ing over baby grows and laughing at a baby name book.

I bought plain white baby grows and fabric pens and we all made baby grows for the baby, I made an anagram game of pregnancy symptoms and we played symptom bingo (this was very funny). We also talked about baby names, family traditions, shared birth stories etc.

It isn't everyone's cup of tea but those who came had a lovely time. If you don't like that kind of thing, don't go.

I worked full time right up until the very end of my pregnancy (baby shower Monday, birth on Sat!) so it was a lovey chance to sit down and actually enjoy being pregnant and talk about the baby with all my friends.

I had terrible PND with both my previous two which I associate with not taking the time to mark the end of 'working me' and the start of 'mummy me'. It was a really positive, bonding experience.

I got a few funny looks because it was my third pregnancy but I did it anyway so you should go for it if it will make you happy. Pregnancy is a special thing and it's pretty sad if you're not allowed to celebrate it.

If your mum isn't going to get into the spirit of it then do it without her.

I changed my name after the birth of my second child (4 years after the wedding) at a time that felt right for me.

Your body: your pregnancy: your party: your choice

Your name: your identity: your choice

YANBU

Have a lovely wedding and baby shower

SimplyRedHead · 15/04/2013 17:59

Ps - my baby 'shower' was called my 'hooray I'm having a baby party' and gifts were actively discouraged.

I've got everything I could possibly need but I don't think there's anything wrong with presents if anyone wants to!

TigerSwallowtail · 15/04/2013 18:32

I only know one person who has had a baby shower, but she loved it and was able to get together with all her friends and family before she had the madness of having a newborn keeping her busy. If you want one then go for it, ignore your mum, I'm sure she'll have fun on the day anyway.

I'm interested in the fact that it's not common to change your name. Does the man take your name instead, or do you both keep seperate names? What name do the children usually take, mother or fathers?

cheekyangel · 15/04/2013 19:13

A baby shower sounds like fun, so although I didn't have any for any of my 3 DCs born 96-99 I would certainly attend if invited. Congratulations on the baby and your wedding.

TheYoniOfYawn · 15/04/2013 19:30

I called mine a mother blessing because I am a big old hippy, but I suspect that would make many people want to vomit, so baby shower is a generally understood term.

I wad a lovely baby shower the other day which involved a bunch of good friend having afternoon tea in a smart hotel.

flowery · 15/04/2013 19:37

If you want to host a party host a party. Don't call it a baby shower because its naff an implies you expect presents.

You say your mother won't "let" you change your name? How does that work then? Surely it's none of her business and you can change your name to whatever you like whenever you like?

PeppaPigStinks · 15/04/2013 20:09

I had a baby shower. I didn't want one by my friend really wanted to organise it. So I agree on the count that I had NO presents.
I had a lovely time- it was the perfect excuse to get my friends together and have a laugh and good old chat!
They didn't get stuff for the baby but each paid a pound so I could get my nails done after DD was born.

I agree a baby shower doesn't have to be grabby or commercial.

I also think that nowadays women don't have the community support like in the past- perhaps the rise of the supportive 'baby shower' is the modern day way to gather a crowd of clucking hens?

Sprite21 · 15/04/2013 20:34

Since when did American become synonymous with naff, as so many of these posts seem to imply? The association is offensive, as is your use of the term 'Yankee' Edwards mum.
Baby showers aren't grabby, they are a chance to celebrate the impending arrival. And yes I had one, and no I'm not American.

weasle · 15/04/2013 21:10

What EuroShakleton said.

I am puzzled by women who change surname on marriage, unless they have a name they don't like!

Baby showers: personally I think the 'shower with gifts' aspect materialistic and I'm not at all keen. Perhaps we need a British tradition, 'come round for tea and cake and a chat as next week my arms might be full of baby' not so snappy though.

OP, perhaps your mother is struggling as you are doing things differently to how she imagined her little girl would get married/ have baby etc. And you are far away, does she have problems with that? Tell her you are grateful for her opinion but you want to do xxx, thank you.

noblegiraffe · 15/04/2013 22:53

I changed my name on marriage because I wanted myself and any future children and my husband all to have the same name. We're a family and the sharing of a surname shows that.

BackforGood · 16/04/2013 16:58

Same here - re name change - as NobleGiraffe.
Getting married was the start of the next stage of our lives, and dh and I felt that we wanted to have one family name. Not sure why that's puzzling - it's ben going on for centuries, hardly a newfangled idea.

IcingOnTheNappyCake · 16/04/2013 17:08

I'm having a baby shower and only my MIL thought it was 'grabby' and I asked everyone not to bring gifts as we already went out and got pretty much everything however, nearly everyone has said 'I never thought you expected a present, I want to get the baby something. The reason I want one is because it gives me something to plan, it's going to be great fun and a chance to see everyone one last time before LO is here! People that say they are grabby, well boo to you! They're meant to be great fun, go for it if you want one, if it helps, you could just say you want to have a summer party to celebrate the baby nearly being there?! Hope it all works out x

MrsWinklepicker · 16/04/2013 17:11

I went to the baby shower of a South African friend who lives in the UK, it is the only one I have been to. Her South African friends organised it for her (I believe they are more common over there) and it was fab, not remotely grabby, just a lovely afternoon with friends talking babies over tea, cakes and champagne (for those who could drink) and spoiling the mum to be!
I wish it were the norm over here, it's such a nice idea :-)

BrianCoxandTheTempleofDOOM · 16/04/2013 17:20

have a baby shower if you want one, I loved mine and it was not "grabby", it was my close friends and family (and P's family) with nice food and lots of excitement about the impending birth.

Mumsnet will tell you they are evil and use the term "Americanism" as a bad thing - it is up to you how to celebrate your baby though, if a baby shower is your thing then go for it.

Just don't invite your mum

WilsonFrickett · 16/04/2013 17:20

My old work department (stuffed full of women of child-bearing age) would host a 'baby shower' when someone went off on mat leave, just a dinner out or round at someone's house if they had a garden (or if it was summer). Work would always buy presents in this situation anyway, so we'd wrap up tiny things like bibs and baby wipes and some odder things (to the first time mum anyway) like nipple shields and bits of breast pumps.

No games or cupcakes though. Twas a lovely tradition, a lovely way to say 'see you in a bit' to colleagues, and not in the least grabby.

zeebaneighba · 16/04/2013 23:36

YANBU to want a baby shower - I'd have the shower, invite your mum but let her know she doesn't have to come if she has objections. I get really confused about all this 'grabby'/materialistic nonsense - what is so wrong with blessing people with gifts at momentous occasions? Or (gasp) actually looking forward to receiving some practical tokens of love and support? A baby is a huge change of life and it's lovely to mark it with friends and family. Gifts don't have to be expensive either - a friend of mine bundled up her leftover newborn nappies and made a 'cake' with them. Another friend promised 2 meals when the baby arrived. These were wonderful gifts and made all the difference in those early weeks. In return I absolutely love showers and being able to be part of a network of support that says, "hey, we're with you - you won't have to do this parenting thing by yourself". So I say ignore the naysayers, let people know gifts are an 'optional extra' and celebrate however you want to :-)

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