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Original poster

...........to dread saying goodbye

64 replies

Marshy · 14/04/2013 20:37

Hi all, I am a frequent lurker and occasional poster on various threads, in search of some mumsnet wisdom and solace.

My dear dear mum, aged 85, is nearing the end of her life after a traumatic 8 months.

In summary, she moved to live near me and dh just prior to the birth of our ds 16 years ago (our 2nd dc, as we already had a dd) and has been in her warden controlled accommodation up until August of last year.
When she was first there, people used to mistake her for the warden as she was so fit and active. She has been very involved with the dc, now aged 17 (dd) and 15 (ds), who are devoted to her. She and I have had our ups and downs, but she has been a fabulous mum and nana, always 100% there for us in every way.

Since turning 80, her health has gradually deteriorated. She has been a resolute heavy smoker all her life, which has caused a few issues between us, as I am very anti-smoking, and I was concerned about the impact of her smoking on her and on the dc, but we found ways around this, although it has clearly impacted on her health which I have found hard to witness.

She has dementia, which has become more evident over time, but she was managing at home with a gradually increasing care package until August last year when she went 'off her legs' with a urine infection - one of many she had had over a period of months.

She was admitted to short-term nursing care to treat this as it had got a hold of her and has been in her current nursing home since the end of January, having been in 4 other care settings in the interim. During this time she sustained a hip fracture following a fall in a very poor quality residential care home.

As you can imagine, the last few months have been ghastly for us all. Her current care setting is good, but she has deteriorated rapidly since arriving there in January. She is now confined to bed and is barely able to swallow so is taking very little orally except for small frequent amounts of pain relief. The staff are preparing us for her imminent death.

DH and I both work full time in demanding jobs. Dd and ds are in A level and GCSE year respectively. We have very little support around us. I have one older sister who lives 3 hours drive away, who has had various health and other issues over the last few years, which she is still grappling with. There are times when I feel overwhelmed with all I have to manage.

I can't believe that I am going to have to say goodbye to the person who has always loved me and been there for me. I am a very responsible and grown up adult, but want to howl like a baby and run away from this.

How am I going to get through this and how can I support my dc?

OP posts:
TheSecondComing · 14/04/2013 23:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fluffymonster · 15/04/2013 00:40

Marshy So sorry you're going through this. It's so painful isn't it? I lost my mum after a long illness and despite the pain it was almost a relief that she was no longer having to go through the agonizing deterioration any more. I could start remembering her as the person she really was. The worst bit is probably now - knowing it's coming. It will get easier.

Still think of her lots - in that way her memory is very much alive. Be comforted that she lived a life where she was much loved, and will be missed when she's gone. It's all any of us can hope for.

Apileofballyhoo · 15/04/2013 00:59

Also sorry Marshy. I don't know if you believe in anything but...At my father's funeral a person whose DW had died quite young said to me "he will be able to do more for you now than he ever could before". It gave me comfort, I felt like my father was still going to be there, loving and supporting me as always. I hope you will also feel this.

Your mother sounds brilliant and it seems she raised a brilliant daughter who became another great mother. Pain and death and grieving are horrible and I don't know why we have to go through them. Try to take care of yourself in the days and weeks and months ahead. Allow yourself to grieve, to cry your heart out. You alone will know the loss you have suffered. So sorry. Sad

Secondsop · 15/04/2013 01:11

marshy so sorry that you are going through this. So many lovely things have been said on this thread but I wanted to echo what fluffymonster said, I.e. that a long life full of love is the very best that anyone can hope for. Understanding that we have to leave this life, and getting to grips with that, are essential parts of the human condition, but you will find a way. The very fact that you will mourn her shows that her spirit and what she brought to other people's lives will live on through them. I promise i'm not about to get all goddy but the book of common prayer says "in the midst of life we are in death", which is a reminder that even when we are at our most alive, our most vibrant, the trade off for each joyous day is that it's one day closer to when we all say goodbye. This sounds incredibly depressing but at the same time it is also telling us that the trade off for being one day closer to when we say goodbye is that we get one more joyous day. In this way life and death are intertwined.

Of course you will be heartbroken when you say goodbye to your dear mother. But you will cope, and life will go on.

Earthymama · 15/04/2013 01:22

So sorry you are going through this. My mother died a few years ago and then end was hard.

My mother hung on and hung on, I was drained and heart-broken.
A healer I consulted asked if I had talked to her about her death.

With the usual British dread of emotion I said I hadn't. So on my next visit to the hospital I sat and held her hand and told her I would be fine, my children would be fine, DP loves and cares for us, she had been a lovely mother and All would be well.

I arranged for her to receive communion the next day, Monday. On Tuesday she finally found some rest and though I miss her dreadfully I know she has peace.

You will know when the time is right, you will cope, you carry your mum in your heart.

Bright Blessing x

wundawoman · 15/04/2013 08:22

Thinking of you - such a difficult time. My Dad was in a similar situation and I did not always have a good relationship with him. However I can say the last 8 months of his life we became close even though he was ill. i just spent time with him, made sure he was as comfortable as possible (he was in a care home) and even put up with his disagreeable moments Confused. I had young children at the time so had to juggle that as well! However when he passed away I was able to let go knowing we had spent valuable time together and I was there at the end. Just being there was the most important thing....

ajandjjmum · 15/04/2013 08:42

I know how you're feeling. Sad

Original poster
Marshy · 15/04/2013 08:46

Thank you all for such lovely replies and for sharing your own stories. I was reading them when I woke in the early hours of this morning, and again just now. I will save this thread to look at again when I need some comfort and inspiration.

I'm on my own in the house just now, enjoying a moment of peace and quiet. DH has taken the DC to school, then we have both arranged the day off, to spend some time with mum and to see the doctor.

I've taken on board everything that has been said here, and particularly about being so fortunate as to have this time with mum, even though it is unbearably sad. I can't tell you how helpful it has been to read all of your responses. I have cried a lot, but it feels right.

I will come back to the thread from time to time and will update. Not knowing how long we have is very hard.

Thank you, and all good wishes to you all.
Marshy

OP posts:
ssd · 15/04/2013 09:35

was in your exact position, but with younger kids....mum died last year....am finding it very very hard...but felt just like you do, did appreciate the time I had with mum

am thinking of you op and sending you a hug x

NorksAreMessy · 15/04/2013 20:33

Just checking in to see how you are getting on today, marshy

Original poster
Marshy · 15/04/2013 20:40

Hi all,

Mum died today at 5.45pm. We were just preparing to go to see her, me, DH and DC, when the call came. It was very sudden in the end.

Me and DH had been to see her in the morning. We had a chat with the GP and had all our questions answered, then spent an hour with her, talking and holding her hand. She couldn't speak, but I know she was listening to me. I had thought about the advice I got here, and that helped me frame the words. I told her the kind of things that Earthymama put in her post. I told her that I would come back to see her later, although in the end I was only able to do that after she had died.

I do believe that she decided the time was right to let go and that it helped that I was able to tell her things in the morning. She was such a worrier about us so to tell her we would be ok, and what a fabulous mum and nana she was - I think it helped.

We went to see her as a foursome after she died. My teenagers were very upset, but are ok. The staff were great.

Feel a bit numb now. Perhaps that will help me get through the next few days. I have the rest of the week off work.

You have all been such a help. Thank you.

Marshy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Marshy · 15/04/2013 20:42

Norks - thank you. Didn't see your message before I posted. Am ok - as you'd expect really. Think I will wake in the early hours - have been doing that lately - not looking forward to it - the world looks grim at that hour and when it is still dark.

really appreciated your posts

OP posts:
beachyhead · 15/04/2013 20:48

Marshy, so sorry to hear your news and I am pleased you saw your dm this morning...hugs

NorksAreMessy · 15/04/2013 20:50

Oh, marshy I am so sorry :(

But please console yourself that if ever there was a good and kind and loving way for a daughter to care for her mother, you did it.

I am an insomniac, so come and talk at 3am, keep talking, we will help you through this.

apostropheuse · 15/04/2013 20:50

I'm so sorry to hear about your Mum Marshy. One thing you can rest assured in is that she is now without pain or worries. She is at peace.

Be kind to yourself. Allow your feelings to surface and don't expect too much of yourself. Accept any help you need. Ask for help if you need it.

Take care.

aldiwhore · 15/04/2013 20:59

Marshy I am so sorry to hear your mum passed away, you really do sound like a loving daughter and your mum's passing was better for it if that makes sense? You reassured her, loved her, held her hand, what else could you have possibly done? You did the important stuff.

Take every day as it comes. You won't wake up one day and be 'better', you may find it hard to find the tears when you think you should have them, and they may come uninvited at the most inconvenient times... never be ashamed of that or think there's anything wrong with you.

"But please console yourself that if ever there was a good and kind and loving way for a daughter to care for her mother, you did it." Mostly, this. x

ajandjjmum · 15/04/2013 21:44

Marshy
So sorry - but you wouldn't have wanted your Mum to linger and suffer unnecessarily.
How lovely that you were able to talk to her - and that you'd had the day off work so you could spend some extra time with her.
You were lucky to have such a lovely mum, and she was lucky to have such a lovely daughter.
Hope you have sufficient time to help your teenagers through this - don't forget to let school know so that they can take their loss in account.
Thinking of you. x

SueDoku · 15/04/2013 22:01

Marshy, I am so sorry for your loss. My Mum died 20 years ago and I miss her every day; but, like you, I had been surrounded by her love all my life, and I had been able to tell her how much she had meant to me -and the knowledge of our shared love has sustained me ever since. Your DC will benefit emotionally from seeing that it is possible to come through loss (my two were the same ages as yours when Mum died) and you will be able to support each other through this time.
You have so many MNers thinking of you - but much, much more important, you and your family can surround each other with love. Take care. x

Original poster
Marshy · 15/04/2013 22:10

thank you all. feeling so sad tonight but glad today was how it was, and being here helped that to be.

I will always be grateful to you all. I asked for wisdom and solace and there it was.........

OP posts:
dawnpreview · 15/04/2013 22:18

So very sorry for your loss, my thoughts are with you and your family x

Fluffymonster · 15/04/2013 22:45

Marshy

So sorry to hear your sad news. But so glad for you both, that you spent some time together this morning - and you held her hand, and talked to her.

I do believe that she decided the time was right to let go and that it helped that I was able to tell her things in the morning. She was such a worrier about us so to tell her we would be ok, and what a fabulous mum and nana she was - I think it helped.

Yes definitely - I can't think of a nicer way to leave one's life, than to know you did ok, the people you love will be alright, and knowing you're loved.

You made sure your Mum knew that, so she could go with peace in her heart. Come and talk if and when you feel like it - we are here.

wundawoman · 15/04/2013 23:02

Condolences to you and your family. Your mum is at peace now. You have done very well to get through today. Sending you hugs and support x

orderinformation · 16/04/2013 13:13

I am so sorry. Be prepared for grief in waves. You'll have a lot to do when she dies. It may actually hit you weeks or months later.

Have you prepared your dc for this? Speak to them beforehand about how she would want them to carry on with exams.

Think about planning a memorial service, maybe even one just for your family, in the summer post exams. Planting a tree etc. That way you can all focus on that too.

Take care of yourself. Remember if needed your Gp can also sign you off work for stress so you can get more than the five days.

TheSecondComing · 16/04/2013 20:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

minouminou · 16/04/2013 20:39

Some brilliant posts here, especially Norks and Earthy. I'm glad things happened this way for you and your mum - you got to say the things Earthy suggested, and I think that gave your mum license to leave, as it were.

Things might seem a bit weird for a while - putting the iron in the fridge, and the milk under the stairs, all that sort of thing - but this is normal.

Sorry for your loss, but you will eventually look back on yesterday and always be thankful that you got that last, special hour with your mum.